Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential.  In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children.  Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills.

Time Stamps

3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations.  

4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does

5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child

7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations

9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian -  Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent 

12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs

14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one

16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids 

17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on

18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal

19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes

20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much

22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive

24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance

25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples 

28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challenge

• Story of community service - giving back to others

31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles 

36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise

37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort

• 5,5,5, Skills -5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you feel

Resources:  

• ACCEPTS Skill in Dialectic Behavior Therapy
• IMPROVE Skill in Dialectic Behavior Therapy
• Self-Soothe Skill in Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Leslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s struggles

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by 

In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child.  This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions.

Time Stamps

4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges

5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children

8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parent

• Wait till the father steps in
• Feeling like your children push your buttons
• Giving children too many choices
• Mom doesn’t mean what she says 

12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids

14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game”

• Validate and move on rather than dismiss and move on

16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard

17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time”

18:25 Fair is not the same as equal

18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger 

21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretations

• My son is having strong emotions
• My son is getting to know his anger
• My son is feeling disappointment

24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity

25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them

28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective 

30:21 Working on developing mutual respect 

33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally

34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor

38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time 

41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authority

Leslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you say

Resources:  

Horton Hatches An Egg by Dr Seuss read aloud on video

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth".  On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away.  Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids.  

Time Stamps

3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world”

• Social Media is like gas on a fire of all the issues that were already there for teenagers/kids such as self worth, bullying, etc

5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel

8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going

11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?”

• “How does it make you feel during and after?”

13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology

14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use

15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving

19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list)

• Removing phones from bedrooms
• Using Technology is a trade between presence or looking at my phone. Its a choice
• Narrate that choice- take responsibility for the choice you make
• The bigger the screen the better (more social accountability and less isolation)

24:15 Two role play situations.   25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone.  34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone

28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play 

38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play

42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery

45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrolling

Leslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel”

Resources:

Max Stossel’s Organization Social Awakening Website with technology resources

Here is a list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel

Here is list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel

Max Stossel’s Website as a Poet and Performer

The Center For Human Technology with a link to the movie The Social Dilemma

Wait Until 8th Movement - resources and information

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, 

Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations.  And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids.  This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents.  

Time Stamps

2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated

6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded

9:15  When kids don’t like making mistakes?  How to use Cope Ahead Skill

10:35 Helping the parents feel more competent

• Removing the “shoulds” from the homework task 

12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential

15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating 

• Strategies that respectfully help the child whose brain says “I need to tell you every little detail of a story”

18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs

20:50 Definition of a synthesis

21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma

26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children

27:28 What to do during the big meltdowns

• Notice and Name the child’s state of mind - “You are in emotion mind”,
• Move the child from emotion mind to wise mind - make a list
  • Physical touch (X marks the spot)
  • Do you want a hug?
  • Do you want space?
  • Hand the child an ice pack
  • Put on classical music
  • Do something physical - lay on the floor, do some jumping jacks
  • You can be the distraction 
  • Draw a road with many choices for how to get somewhere
  • Co-regulate yourself

33:30 Stay connected and set your limit

34:05 Be a broken record - Let your child know that you are there

34:55 Learning takes place between the meltdowns - Model and teach skills 

35:50 An example of being irreverent - getting their attention by being genuine.  This is NOT sarcasm  

37:35 Parents need to support each other

Leslie-ism: Next time you or child feel anxious, try counting your steps

Resources:  

• Leslie’s Handout on Dialectic Images for Finding a Synthesis to a Dialectic Dilemma
• Is My Child A Monster? Dealing with Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Fehling - to review the TIPP skills and other mindfulness skills
• Cope Ahead DBT Skill Handout

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Homework is a time of frustration in many families.  And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework.   In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues.  Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur -  two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be.  Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder.

Time Stamps

3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little

4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements 

6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective

6:50 Family value of doing things together as a family

Children avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.  

• The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake

9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott

10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement

11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent

14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming

15:20 The pressure of parenting

16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts

17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different

18:40 The many uses of mindfulness 

23:03  What to do when your child refuses to do school work

• Give your child information about what happens to them
• Put it on paper so it is tangible and visual

26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well

27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves

28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework

31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD

32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and child

• Connection is the opposite of feeling shame

34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset

• “Can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”
• “That really threw you into emotion mind”
• Ahead of time, “are you prepared to make some mistakes” or “can you handle making a mistake today”

37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive

39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic

40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic

42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent.  Remember defiance is helping you understand your child

Leslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different! 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic.  They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur.  Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting.  This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief.  And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.  

Time Stamps

3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos

5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child

5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have

• Comparison to other children or other families
• Acknowledge the child you have

8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves

11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos

Description of the morning "chaos"

14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful

• Parents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation

17:10 Rewards -  how to make them work and why they stop working

• Change them often
• Intermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behavior
• Don’t work harder than your child
• Keep the small and specific

24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT  - focus on the brainstorming step

26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.

26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD: 

• balance boards and movement
• Fidget toys
• Drawing and doodling

28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day

29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it?

29:55 Two acceptance strategies:  compassion and taking a breath

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way.

Resources:  

A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children. 

Time Stamps

3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public

5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT Skills

• The four Modules of DBT
• These are life skills to help you deal with the hard parts of life

7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelm

• Start with mindfulness
• Definition of mindfulness
• Increasing one’s awareness of the Overwhelm

11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote:  “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead

12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT

13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system

• 13:25 Paced Breathing Skill
• 14:48 Tip your Temperature - mammalian Dive Reflex
• 16:48 Intense Exercise
• 17:47 Progressive Muscle Relaxation

19:46 Opposite Action Skill

24:50 Dealing with Overwhelm

• Using your TIPP Skills IS Opposite Action

25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to cope

• Co-regulation is when the parent calms themselves down

27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word

28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this)

Leslie-ism: Practice Naming Your Emotions

Resources:

Dr. Kiki Fehling’s Website

• Self-Directed DBT Skills: 3 Month DBT Workbook
• DBT Cards for Coping Skills
• Kiki Fehlings Tik Tok @dbtkiki
• Kiki Fehling Instagram.

TIPP Skills from DBT Therapy Handout

• Tip your Temperature Video
• Intense Exercise Video

Opposit Action Skills Video from DBT Therapy

Jon Kabat Zinn’s Website

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and 

Here’s the scenario:  Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis.  Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together.

Time Stamps

3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management

5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons

8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD

15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse

15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard.

17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language 

18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis

19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out.

20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad”

21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a child

• Discussing neurodivergence with affirmative language

25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives.

• Be who you are and take a giant step towards the other person
• You can still be positive and validate your child’s concerns

27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease 

30:41 Role Play example of validation when someone uses BUT instead of AND

32:50 When the environment (school, home) may or may not support the neurodivergent person

34:36 Description of neurodivergent differences in the family including ADHD and Autism

38:00 Description of Stimming Behaviors

40:10 Family meetings can create a positive circular loop in which understanding leads to connection, and connection leads to greater understanding.

• Family meeting can name the tension between neurodivergent types 
• Family meeting can engage the kids in the process of problem solving
• Understanding leads to empathy, consideration and tolerance

43:25 Description of misophonia and mindfulness skills to treat it

Leslie-ism: To reduce conflict start with communication and end up with connection

Resources: 

• Resources on Neurodivergence Neurodivergentinsights.com
• Dr, Liz Angoff”s website Explaining Brains - full of resources
• Dr. Liz Angoff’s website

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music<

Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents.  This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain.  Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful. 

Time Stamps

2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids 

3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or bad

• For the short term it works - kids are quiet
• Can you modulate the length of time that kids are on screens

4:10  What’s missing when your kids are on screens

• Learning to tolerate discomfort, differences and boredom
• Missing the opportunity for daydreaming
• 6:10  The creativity, the connection and the inventiveness of making up games

6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk 

7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy

10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling

11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes

13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally

14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service 

16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience

17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy

17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills)

18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am  I capable of tolerating this now?”

Leslie-ism:  Give your children the gift of daydreaming time

Resources:  

Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback Concept

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly.  This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect.  This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens.  We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies.  The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. 

Time Stamps

4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 

5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 

6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being

8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood

8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc

10:10 Getting a  phone, losing the phone and the consequences

12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters

14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience 

• Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on it
• Have open communication to discuss his relationship with the phone
• Use a cell phone contract

19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)

21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 

22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home

24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 

27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”

29:35 Talk about family meetings

30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid

32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments 

• “This is not working for me”
• Role play other versions
• Choose timing that might work better than in the moment

The two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herself

Leslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment. 

Resources:  

Cell Phone Contract

Handout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Video explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBT

Leslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soon

Handout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist Aid

Handout on Positive intention - coming soon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and