Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn’t become defensive or shut down. Today’s episode welcomes back Leslie’s daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult.  

Time Stamps:

• 3:18 Feedback is part of communication in all kinds of relationship
• 3:55 Defining Feedback as nonjudgmental information about their behavior that is intended to help someone grow
• 7:49 Why is feedback so important 
• 9:00 The person receiving feedback has complete power over HOW they receive it
• 9:07 What is RODBT? Radically Open Dialectic Behavior Therapy Fact Sheet
• 12:55 The faith of parenting means you believe that the child heard you
• 16:18 Why some kids have more difficulty getting feedback than others
• 19:05 In public some kids will receive feedback differently than when they are at home. It may be known as masking (click here for more information)
• 21:18 Notice and name their reaction
• 21:25 "Did i just say something was invalidating to you"
• 22:20 Watch out when the child gives feedback to you the parent
• 23:30 It’s the parent’s job to model receiving feedback for the child
• 24:33 Give kids time and space to learn to accept feedback
• 27:40 “Is this a good time to give you feedback?”
• 33:03 Use the metaphor of a buffet
• 37:49 Tips on receiving feedback
• 38:34 Recovering from invalidation
• 40:19 Not everything has to be processed, sometimes it’s healthier to let some things go

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Radically Open DBT Fact Sheet
• Leslie’s Video:  Stop Repeating Yourself
• Leslie’s Newsletter on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong Street

Leslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.

About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author.  Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365

Time Stamps

9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits

12:15 Building memories, building routines

13:50 Creating a literacy rich environment

• Developing a context for understanding the world around you
• Building routine establishes a sense of groundedness

15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public

19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children

22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read

25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy

30:43 “I notice….” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication

33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alike

• Using children’s books to teach therapeutic concepts. For example “Quick as a Cricket” teaches about our many parts and a dialectic perspective

36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life. 

Resources:

• To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website 
• Click here to get Deborah Farmer Kris’ fabulous books for emotional literacy
• Leslie List of Children's Book for Developing Emotional Literacy
• A Video made by Leslie about How to use Books as Conversation Starters
• Harvard University: The Center for the Developing Child’s Research on Resilience

Leslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-R

An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they’re doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways.

Time Stamps

• 7:34 What does “being on the same page” mean to you?
• 9:51 What does it mean when your child picks up that you are two different people, with two different personalities
• 12:42 For some people, harmony is necessary for the nervous system
• 15:56 Parents might be comfortable with conflict, and your child might need extra reassurance that you’re okay
• 18:43 It’s okay to give children a sense of control in the situation
• 22:03 Start having your child become aware of their level of discomfort - check in with them, and have them name it
• 22:40 An incredible lesson for a child: I’m uncomfortable, and I can handle it
• 25:50 In uncomfortable moments, prepare the family to brave the storm, and that it will pass
• Sometimes we need to table arguments to have them away from children, but it is beneficial for children to see their parents arguing; it can be damaging to only see harmony/”perfection”
• 30:46 Learning to “fight fair”
• 34:28 Repair is incredibly important for children to witness
• 34:40 Ideas of mutual respect and benefit of the doubt
• 40:40 Definition of radical acceptance
• 44:29 Idea that we can be different and still respect each other’s ways; you’re respecting your individual differences
• 45:49 What do tolerating differences look like?

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts available in both English and Spanish
• Rules on Fighting Fair provided by Therapist Aid

Leslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship ruptures

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sometimes there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. 

Time Stamps

• 0:36 Low frustration tolerance
• 3:03 Letting go of expectations is about accepting the moment in order to move forward. Remember: it’s supposed to be hard
• 11:54 “I need him to” is a dangerous thing to say
• 23:09 The tough job of being a parent
• 23:12 Bearing witness to your child’s discomfort or pain
• 23:19 The guilt of doing it good enough
• 23:47 The definition of guilt; we don’t need the extra burden of it
• 25:36 When to give in, when to ignore and when to set limits - these are confusing choices all parents face.
• 30:41 Assessing is important: there’s a cause for all behavior
• 33:13 Kids may need to be active to actually calm down their neurological system before bed: compression, getting wrapped up in a blanket, hugging a teddy bear, etc
• 39:25 Allow the misbehavior to communicate what’s going on
• 39:47 Take a guess at why your child misbehaved:  scared of nightmares, not wanting to end the day, feeling stimulated in his body and need to release tension of the day, wanting to be closer to mom.

Leslie-ism:  Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. 

Resources:

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Leslie's Video of Using the STOP Skill to Deal with a Low Frustration Tolerance

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. 

Time Stamps

4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.

8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes

12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns

12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness

16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”

17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus

19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard

20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity

21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from

22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.

26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown

31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO

32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child

37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. 

Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. 

Resources

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Well Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kids
• No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh
• A visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMB
• Article on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelings
• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on 

Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environment

About our guest Dayna Abraham:

Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. 

Time Stamps

• 6:08 Dayna Abraham’s abbreviated professional life story
• 10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment
• 12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm
• 14:07 How to recoup energy
• 15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples
• 21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.
• 24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood
• 28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child 
• 29:20 Kids don’t have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”
• 29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them
• 30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience
• 32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves
• 36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations
• 38:08 You’re exactly the parent your child needs

Leslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. 

Show Note LInks:

• Danya Abraham’s Website
  • Her podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.
  • Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids 
• Article by Child Mind Institute What is Neurodiversity
• Is My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent children
• Handout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent Brain
• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast

Is there an epidemic of overparenting? And if so, where does it come from?  Is it parenting from a place of fear, from a place of information overload, from the anxiety that is all around us, the drive to make our children perfect or is it from the frustration of trying to raise a child who doesn’t do what you want them to do?  In this third and final session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores these questions.  Pedro and Claudia want to be the best parents they can be to their 16 year old son LIam, but are overparenting and doing too much undermining their efforts? Leslie turns her attention to the “overparenting problem” that’s shaping the next generation, and leaving them with lasting consequences. Together Leslie, Pedro, and Claudia discuss how to pivot from being “nagging” parents, to “chill” ones, and how to do that while still instilling your child with your core values and healthy limits.

Time Stamps

3:10 The impact of “less is more” motto on the parent-child relationship (yes we are well aware of the reversal in the podcast where by Pedro and Leslie said “more is less”

5:15  Parenting is forgiving

8:43 Three ways to change your behavior as a parent

1. 9:29  Shift from “I can’t do this” to “I will feel so much better if I do this”
2. 9:46 Get some support from partner who give you reminders and help out with the change
3. 10:35 Permission-giving. Getting the okay from someone else, someone you trust

14:25/16:39 The benefits of being a bit more “CHILL”  

14:52 Finding the balance - the middle path of parenting (see the video in the show notes)

17:25 Overparenting as result of parenting from a place of fear

19:40 The myth of the parenting “deadline”

21:25 The metaphor of a plant growing and the space it needs (see video below)

24:04 Understanding who your child is to is in order to build a foundation for them

• Biological make up
• Social environment

29:43 Parents have the privilege of seeing every side of their child

30:29 We want to send the message that a child is a whole person, and that includes the good the bad and the ugly

35:16 What are you missing? What is your child’s perspective? Parents often skip this step

36:50 How would you validate your child (clue to finding their perspective)

39:07 Reframing from “my child is taking the easy way out” and “manipulating” to “he’s doing what works”

44:14 Have faith that your child will be able to solve their own problems as they grow as adults

44:39 We don’t want our children to be afraid of growing up - what can parents do about this?

Show Note Links:

• Leslie’s Video: Plants Need Space and So Do Kids 
• Leslie’s Video: Stop Repeating Yourself
• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Leslie’s Video: Walking the Middle Path to Balance the Dilemmas

Leslie-ism: Beware of Overparenting. Remember Less is More!

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits:

Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child. 

Time Stamps

• 4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique ways
  • Symptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parent
  • The hangover of the panic attack
  • The role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack
• 10:22 The difference between guilt and shame
• 12:23 Feelings come and feelings go 
• 13:13 Definition of panic attack.
• 15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:
  • “I am safe. I am capable.”
  • “Feelings come and feelings go”  “This too shall pass”
• 17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks 
• 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks 
• 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system 
• 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system: 
  • The divers reflex Skill
  • Intense exercise Skill
  • Paced breathing Skill
• 27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —
• 28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting
• 32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle
• 32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page
• 35:00 When having the last word works
• 36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word
• 38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”
• 39:30 Parents have to remember that you don’t have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word
• 40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions
• 40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fears

Show Note Links:

NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices

TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill

Leslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on Video

New York Times Article about Inside Out 2

Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true?  In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.

Time Stamps

4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child

5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that

7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid

8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems

14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses

16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture

16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens 

21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation

21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect

28:58  Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective.  Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure

29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)

31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common.  Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents.  This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice

32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation 

33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving

38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind

40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk

41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son

42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience

44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child

Resources:  

• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, 

“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.

Time Stamps

• 2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower
• 3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules
• 10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child’s need to do everything perfectly
• 10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable
• 17:56 The need for flexible thinking
• 26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness
• 29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followers

Show Note Links:

• Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST
• “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck

Leslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.