Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they’re doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways.

Time Stamps

• 7:34 What does “being on the same page” mean to you?
• 9:51 What does it mean when your child picks up that you are two different people, with two different personalities
• 12:42 For some people, harmony is necessary for the nervous system
• 15:56 Parents might be comfortable with conflict, and your child might need extra reassurance that you’re okay
• 18:43 It’s okay to give children a sense of control in the situation
• 22:03 Start having your child become aware of their level of discomfort - check in with them, and have them name it
• 22:40 An incredible lesson for a child: I’m uncomfortable, and I can handle it
• 25:50 In uncomfortable moments, prepare the family to brave the storm, and that it will pass
• Sometimes we need to table arguments to have them away from children, but it is beneficial for children to see their parents arguing; it can be damaging to only see harmony/”perfection”
• 30:46 Learning to “fight fair”
• 34:28 Repair is incredibly important for children to witness
• 34:40 Ideas of mutual respect and benefit of the doubt
• 40:40 Definition of radical acceptance
• 44:29 Idea that we can be different and still respect each other’s ways; you’re respecting your individual differences
• 45:49 What do tolerating differences look like?

Resources:  

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts available in both English and Spanish
• Rules on Fighting Fair provided by Therapist Aid

Leslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship ruptures

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sometimes there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. 

Time Stamps

• 0:36 Low frustration tolerance
• 3:03 Letting go of expectations is about accepting the moment in order to move forward. Remember: it’s supposed to be hard
• 11:54 “I need him to” is a dangerous thing to say
• 23:09 The tough job of being a parent
• 23:12 Bearing witness to your child’s discomfort or pain
• 23:19 The guilt of doing it good enough
• 23:47 The definition of guilt; we don’t need the extra burden of it
• 25:36 When to give in, when to ignore and when to set limits - these are confusing choices all parents face.
• 30:41 Assessing is important: there’s a cause for all behavior
• 33:13 Kids may need to be active to actually calm down their neurological system before bed: compression, getting wrapped up in a blanket, hugging a teddy bear, etc
• 39:25 Allow the misbehavior to communicate what’s going on
• 39:47 Take a guess at why your child misbehaved:  scared of nightmares, not wanting to end the day, feeling stimulated in his body and need to release tension of the day, wanting to be closer to mom.

Leslie-ism:  Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. 

Resources:

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Video of Three Ways to Deal with a Low Frustration Tolerance

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today’s episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary’s back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. 

Time Stamps

4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.

8:13 Assess your child’s behavior as they respond to changes

12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns

12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness

16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”

17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus

19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that’s so hard

20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No’s, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity

21:27 Don’t ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from

22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don’t do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.

26:57 Part of a parent’s job is to guide their child through the unknown

31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn’t want to hear a NO

32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go. Create anchors for the anxious child

37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. 

Leslie-ism: You can be an anchor for your child in the sea of change. 

Resources

• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast
• Well Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kids
• No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh
• A visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMB
• Article on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelings
• Leslie’s Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Three States of MInd

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on 

Having a roadmap to deal with your child’s Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today’s episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don’t grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environment

About our guest Dayna Abraham:

Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. 

Time Stamps

• 6:08 Dayna Abraham’s abbreviated professional life story
• 10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment
• 12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm
• 14:07 How to recoup energy
• 15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples
• 21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.
• 24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood
• 28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child 
• 29:20 Kids don’t have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”
• 29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them
• 30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience
• 32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves
• 36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations
• 38:08 You’re exactly the parent your child needs

Leslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. 

Show Note LInks:

• Danya Abraham’s Website
  • Her podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.
  • Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids 
• Article by Child Mind Institute What is Neurodiversity
• Is My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent children
• Handout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent Brain
• Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast

Is there an epidemic of overparenting? And if so, where does it come from?  Is it parenting from a place of fear, from a place of information overload, from the anxiety that is all around us, the drive to make our children perfect or is it from the frustration of trying to raise a child who doesn’t do what you want them to do?  In this third and final session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores these questions.  Pedro and Claudia want to be the best parents they can be to their 16 year old son LIam, but are overparenting and doing too much undermining their efforts? Leslie turns her attention to the “overparenting problem” that’s shaping the next generation, and leaving them with lasting consequences. Together Leslie, Pedro, and Claudia discuss how to pivot from being “nagging” parents, to “chill” ones, and how to do that while still instilling your child with your core values and healthy limits.

Time Stamps

3:10 The impact of “less is more” motto on the parent-child relationship (yes we are well aware of the reversal in the podcast where by Pedro and Leslie said “more is less”

5:15  Parenting is forgiving

8:43 Three ways to change your behavior as a parent

1. 9:29  Shift from “I can’t do this” to “I will feel so much better if I do this”
2. 9:46 Get some support from partner who give you reminders and help out with the change
3. 10:35 Permission-giving. Getting the okay from someone else, someone you trust

14:25/16:39 The benefits of being a bit more “CHILL”  

14:52 Finding the balance - the middle path of parenting (see the video in the show notes)

17:25 Overparenting as result of parenting from a place of fear

19:40 The myth of the parenting “deadline”

21:25 The metaphor of a plant growing and the space it needs (see video below)

24:04 Understanding who your child is to is in order to build a foundation for them

• Biological make up
• Social environment

29:43 Parents have the privilege of seeing every side of their child

30:29 We want to send the message that a child is a whole person, and that includes the good the bad and the ugly

35:16 What are you missing? What is your child’s perspective? Parents often skip this step

36:50 How would you validate your child (clue to finding their perspective)

39:07 Reframing from “my child is taking the easy way out” and “manipulating” to “he’s doing what works”

44:14 Have faith that your child will be able to solve their own problems as they grow as adults

44:39 We don’t want our children to be afraid of growing up - what can parents do about this?

Show Note Links:

• Leslie’s Video: Plants Need Space and So Do Kids 
• Leslie’s Video: Stop Repeating Yourself
• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Leslie’s Video: Walking the Middle Path to Balance the Dilemmas

Leslie-ism: Beware of Overparenting. Remember Less is More!

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits:

Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child. 

Time Stamps

• 4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique ways
  • Symptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parent
  • The hangover of the panic attack
  • The role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack
• 10:22 The difference between guilt and shame
• 12:23 Feelings come and feelings go 
• 13:13 Definition of panic attack.
• 15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:
  • “I am safe. I am capable.”
  • “Feelings come and feelings go”  “This too shall pass”
• 17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks 
• 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks 
• 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system 
• 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system: 
  • The divers reflex Skill
  • Intense exercise Skill
  • Paced breathing Skill
• 27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —
• 28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting
• 32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle
• 32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page
• 35:00 When having the last word works
• 36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word
• 38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”
• 39:30 Parents have to remember that you don’t have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word
• 40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions
• 40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fears

Show Note Links:

NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best Practices

TIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skill

Leslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on Video

New York Times Article about Inside Out 2

Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today’s session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true?  In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try.

Time Stamps

4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child

5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that

7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid

8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don’t want to burden other people with our problems

14:05 It’s more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses

16:00 Remember to see your child’s strengths in order to get a whole picture

16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens 

21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation

21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect

28:58  Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective.  Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure

29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what’s developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)

31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common.  Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents.  This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice

32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation 

33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving

38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind

40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk

41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son

42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience

44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your child

Resources:  

• Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBT
• Poem On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Leslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talk

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, 

“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it’s like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.

Time Stamps

• 2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower
• 3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules
• 10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child’s need to do everything perfectly
• 10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable
• 17:56 The need for flexible thinking
• 26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness
• 29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followers

Show Note Links:

• Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST
• “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck

Leslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

It’s no secret that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to be happy, and it can be difficult to see them upset or hurting. Leslie has been working through this with Hannah and Alex, parents of three year old Paxton, who’ve returned for their third and final session. Together they reinforce the changes they’ve already implemented with Paxton, like correcting habits and communicating clearly. Leslie also shows them how they’re setting Paxton up for success now when it comes to very adult things like handling disappointment and pain. Hannah and Alex have also begun communicating their emotions more clearly, adopting the “emotion mind” language with each other, which in turn helps model it for Paxton. 

Time Stamps

• 5:30 Using Logic with someone in Emotion Mind usually doesn’t work (at any age)
• 6:20 Address issues, validate feelings, and move on (without bringing it up over and over)
• 7:03 Extinction burst - why behaviors tend to get worse before they get better
• 8:33 Teach kids early that they can handle disappointment
• 10:54 How to reinforce manners without giving in every time a child asks for something “nicely”
• 15:30 Life can be hard when you are a rule follower
• 20:04 Short-term gratification can cause children to always want more, more, more
• 20:38 Practice delayed gratification 
• Even if you don’t get the short-term results you want keep exposing your child to new foods and new activities
• 24:25 Practice communicating with your partner about being in emotion-mind
• 31:01 To promote flexible thinking and Dialectic thinking use “and” instead of “but”
• 37:34 You can’t protect your child from the pains of life, and the greatest gift you can give them is the ability to know that they can handle that pain
• 39:03 Review an event in the past is for the purpose of learning, not for re-experiencing.  Ask something like  “what do you think would work for you next time?”

Show Note Links

Three States of Mind

Reacting vs Responding

Youtube channel videos on Behaviorism

• How to increase wanted behaviors 
• How to shape behaviors
• How to decrease unwanted behaviors

Leslie-ism: When your urge is to react, take a pause and then choose to respond. 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

There are many reasons why children feel uncomfortable. And when your child is uncomfortable you as the parent often feel uncomfortable. This week we’re back with Hannah and Alex for their second session, who have come to Leslie about their three year old son Paxton. These parents are vulnerable with Leslie when they speak about how hard it is for them to say no to Paxton when he wants something. They also admit that they regret some of the parenting choices they’ve made with Paxton, and fear that they are responsible for some of their son’s habits. Hindsight is hindsight. The focus of the session is about figuring out what to do now in the present time. But these parents are committed to growing and changing and Leslie is there for them every step of the way.

Time Stamps

• 3:24 Parents feel amazing when they do the hard work of taking technology out of the bedtime routine
• 7:40 Remember to reintroduce skills or foods or ideas at a later time
• 8:10 Commitment is necessary to  make change - and it provides the motivation
• 9:17 Creativity is great when it comes to food issues : how you serve it, when you serve it, what you serve, where you serve it
• 11:58 Dialectic perspective - honor and respect your partner’s perspective 
• 13:55 Giving in to the short term relief at the expense of long term gains. Especially when our children are struggling 
• 18:40 Parents can always look back and say, “I should have done it differently,” but parents shouldn’t shame themselves when they are doing the best they can with the skills they had at the time.
• 25:13 How should we as parents engage with our child’s big emotions; be careful to acknowledge without reinforcing it
• 26:43 When do we transition kids from distracting from big emotions to acknowledging big emotions
  • Teach your child that feelings are valid 
  • Distraction is one option (you can revisit the emotion later)
  • Validate the feelings, do nothing to fix it, and move on
• 29:40 Separate your feelings from you child’s emotions
• 33:57 When children have “comfort” habits like picking their parents’ fingernails
• 39:10 You can be emotionally connected with your child without being physically connected

Show Note Link

Leslie's Blog writing on The Dilemma of the Chinese Finger Trap


Leslie-ism: Take a moment to look at the ways you both physically and emotionally connect with your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.