When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly.  This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect.  This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens.  We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies.  The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. 

Time Stamps

4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 

5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 

6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being

8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood

8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc

10:10 Getting a  phone, losing the phone and the consequences

12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters

14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience 

• Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on it
• Have open communication to discuss his relationship with the phone
• Use a cell phone contract

19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)

21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 

22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home

24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 

27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”

29:35 Talk about family meetings

30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid

32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments 

• “This is not working for me”
• Role play other versions
• Choose timing that might work better than in the moment

The two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herself

Leslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment. 

Resources:  

Cell Phone Contract

Handout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Video explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBT

Leslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soon

Handout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist Aid

Handout on Positive intention - coming soon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household.   In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo.  They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise.  Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”.  And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.  

Time Stamps

7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry

12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia

19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present

20:17 Tension between parents:

• When parents feel unsupported
• When parents feel dismissed
• When parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy” 

24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood

24:50 How to tolerate the differences

• 25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change

27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)

28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins

29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment

31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy lives

• Build up the strengths and the emotional connection
• 35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a room
• Play a simple game between you and your partner 

35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship

38:45 Relationships are so hard.  

40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healing

• We pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up. 
• Children help us grow as a human being 
• We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships

44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”

45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you

47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 

48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks

50:59 Turning the family structure upside down

52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnection

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.

Resources:  

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids.  But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiences

Time Stamps

2:12 Definition of conflict

3:58  Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECE

1. Stop the action
2. State the problem
3. Generate solutions
4. Pick a solution and move forward

4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution 

1. Stop the action
2. State the problem
3. Use Empathy and perspective taking to get to the underlying concerns
4. Generate solutions 
5. Pick a solution and move forward

Conflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing

5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps

6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time

7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started.  It is not effective

Start with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this”

9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood 

10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary

10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking

12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective 

14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language

14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children - 

18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process

20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change

22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution?  When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict. 

23:40 The infamous “Sink Story” 

26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link)

27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it - 

Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathy

Resources:

Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts

Other conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education Foundation

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children,  8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session.

5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child

6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting

8:33 When you play games you follow the rules.  You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children

12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 

12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent

14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting   

• Start with “looks like there is a problem here”
• Giving children permission to continue to fight in another location using a paradoxical strategy

22:05 To help with a conflict -

• Validate each child’s perspective.  
• Show understanding
• “Tell me more”
• Listen to their perspective

26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years

28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence

31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of 

• strictness vs leniency 
• promoting independence vs fostering dependence

32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals

35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis 

• Walking the middle path between “What’s important to her and what’s important to you”

38:20  Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives.

40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course

Leslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the show

Resources:  

Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing.  In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up.  Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism.

Time Stamps

5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry

8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person

10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting”

11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills

11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate

• 13:28 Reinforce the behavior that you want more of
• 14:00 Nonverbally (Physically) support one child while talking to the other child

18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want

18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent

20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems

21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it 

21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety  

• Announce the change in your parenting behavior to your children

23:15 Explaining an extinction burst 

24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry

• ⅓ = Do nothing, let them work it out on their their
• ⅓ = We can help them with conflict resolution
• ⅓ = We can notice what is happening or ending it without discussing it

25:20  A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation

30:20  Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise. 

34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently

35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently

36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence

36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices

38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a 

43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative.

43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated.

44:23  CLIFF HANGER;  Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathy

Resources:  

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Leslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant 

Punishment by Rewards by Alfie Kohn

Leslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflicts

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube

In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma. 

Time Stamps

4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation

9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPT

• You are working to create corrective learning
• Trauma treatment is really tough, its like psychology Iron Man
• In vivo exposures - learning to do the things that are hard for you to do
• Imaginal exposures - where you talk about the trauma
• Processing - what can you learn from your exposures and how can you shift your perspective

14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame

14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions

16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child

17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior

18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t.  DON”T make assumptions about your child

19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning 

20:55 When shame is very visible in your child - 

• If a child hides their face or hides under covers
• They say “I’m bad”
• You can use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake?” 

21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions

22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions

22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school”  

25:25 The benefits of Observational learning

26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child

28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child

31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentness

Leslie-ism: When expressing disappointment to your child, a light touch is enough.

Resources:  

Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP)

E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinic

How to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter 

Trauma resources

• DBT-Prolonged Exposure Trauma Treatment
• Cognitive Processing Treatment (CPT) 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by

Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone.  This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.  

Time Stamps

3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted.

5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.  

7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task

10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations

11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior

12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments

15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do. 

17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve

17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data

20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior

Engage your child into the solution of the problem

24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her

26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior

• Do it without anger or shaming
• Lay out the plan in advance

30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse

32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to.

33:47 Whose problem is it?  Remember to work on your part of the problem

34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors  

Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it?

Resources:  

GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools
Leslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It?

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships.  That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice.

Time Stamps

1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively

• DEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective met
• GIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationship
• FAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect

4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail

• 4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where
• 5:35 E = Express your feelings 
• 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request
• 7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person
• 7:55 M = Maintain your focus 
• 8:28 A = Appear confident
• 8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want

6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind

9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill

11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill

14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation

15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective

16:52 When to use DEAR MAN 

19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again

Resources:  

Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice

DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU

DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started.  This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown.  We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.  

Time Stamps

3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem

8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking

11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skill

• Describe, Express, Ask for what you want, Reinforce it for the other person, Maintain focus, Appear confident, Negotiate when needed

16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN

23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation

24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves 

27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?”

32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values

32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action 

• Go opposite to the urge of the emotion 
• The urge associated with shame is to hide
• Go opposite to shame when it is not justified
• Go all the way

35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill

38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something 

43:58 Practice being vulnerable

Leslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.

Resources:  

Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.Tools

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child.  This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily.  We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills. 

Time Stamps

3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen

7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below)

8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below)

11:08  It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”.  Be honest

13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidation

• Trauma lives in your body (See Book Link below)
• 14:55 Definition of Trauma
• 21:55 Treatment options (See Handout below)

19:50  Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child

20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle

20:30 Every step makes a difference 

21:12  Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter

22:15  Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable

25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child

27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated.  Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?”

28:44 The parenting dialectic:  I am trying my best AND I still need to do more

30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic

31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation

34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm

32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior

40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition

41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples)

43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected.  

Leslie-ism:  Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patterns

Resources:  

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD

The Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

Dialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy.  The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Trauma Treatment Resources: 

• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Prolonged Exposure - DBT- PE
• Prolonged Exposure
• Cognitive Processing Therapy - CPT

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,