Keep Me Young

Welcome back and welcome home to Blake’s last minute Clearwater Home2 Suite by Hilton and Heather’s temporary LA home by a Facebook queer housing group. We’re doing great! 

These days, Heather and Blake are both staying young by (checks notes) giving themselves basic care by eating and listening to music and calling friends? Not original, but Maslow would be proud. Blake is aging hard for the poor overlooked TikTok influencers of University of Miami and staying young by deep diving into the lore of Birken bags. We agree that jousting and a pillory in the town square should both make their way back into society to shame people, but let them keep their jobs. Our heroes also discuss performative intelligence, the crucial distinctions between a cookout and a barbecue and between cheugy and cringe, the superiority of a southern Thanksgiving, Peter Pan (peanut butter and little lad), and the Time Square Olive Garden’s gluten-free choices.

The DMM theme song is on its way, despite a huge debate on how we would each conduct it. Our dear listeners are eating many croissants and asking about how to prioritize personal projects. May we suggest…making a podcast with your bestie?

Submit your Depression Meals and Q&A with Queer and Gay questions to [email protected] or @keepmeyoungpod.

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick 

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

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Something has changed within us, and we’re feeling, dare I say…giddy? Happy to be alive? Maybe it’s the crispy fall air, but in this week’s episode, Blake and Heather giggle their way through the public backlash of Tay Tay’s Life of a Showgirl (more like Life of a Toddler in a Tiara, amirite). And how, in the famous words of Mother God Chris Fleming: Taylor Swift is the “spokesperson for those who haven’t achieved orgasm.” 

Anywho, Heather’s staying young by rage baiting Swifties, Blake is living for the Young Republicans’ leaked group chat, no one understands 6 7, and we all feel 67 years old as a result, and The Hunting Wives is…good? Funny? Sexy? We’re not sure, but the wigs are VERY BAD. We also discuss the benefits of mewing, Blake’s mom’s favorite ladies on the “I’ve Had It” podcast, a surprising number of country music stars, THAT sex scene in Brokeback Mountain and how to avoid bottom allegations, Gen Alpha’s Dadaist humor, and the millennial flat tummy/low rise pants to foodie pipeline. 

Speaking of eating, we have a very special opera camp guest Depression Meal submission this week, Heather continues to test the limits of their colon and dignity, and Blake will NOT get groceries, but he WILL have it his way at BK. Multiple times a week. Submit your Depression Meals and Q&A with Queer and Gay questions to [email protected] or @keepmeyoungpod!

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick 

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the very special episode EVERYONE (no one) was CLAMORING for (literally no one asked)!!! This week Blake and Heather entertain you, dear listeners, with something a little different: a Pokemon Smash or Pass. Heather doesn’t know the rules or the Pokemon or really why this game exists at all, while Blake brings years of experience and insight. They both take the game way too seriously and genuinely consider what it could be like to smash/run away with/raise a family with cartoon characters. Everyone feels young AND old. And that’s life, baybee!

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick 

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Buckle up for a lengthy and academic discussion of the least important topics you can think of this week! As if that’s not the vibe every week! Blake and Heather are staying young with Ultimatum: Queer Love, Season 2 and Asmongold’s influence over the World of Warcraft community. Take one guess as to whose is whose!

Love Island, The Bachelor, Temptation Island, and Love is Blind are all rotting our brains in the most entertaining ways, Neopets chat rooms were the site of a LOT of age inappropriate content, the WoW South Park episode is a cinematic marvel, Boy Moms make us queasy, the King of Queens couple is a thirst trap specifically for Blake and Heather, and Friends maybe was only funny if you just watched white sitcoms?

The Depression Meals this week expose Blake’s OCD (again), Heather makes bad choices about their food sensitivities (again), and the two continue to workshop a DMM jingle harmony. Maybe we’ll nail it by episode 100! One of you beautiful people is only eating 8 Cheez-Its for a whole meal, and we absolutely can’t judge, but we do anyway. 

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick 

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, it’s been a week. And Blake and Heather are officially bi for each other. Bi-coastal, baby!! Viewers will get to see Blake’s NYC and TX bedroom backgrounds in this ep and listeners will not notice a difference at all!

Blake is staying young in the aftermath of the Ch*rlie K*rk/Tr*mp/Jimmy Kimmel/Disney will-they-won’t-they chess game. It really does go all the way to the top. And Heather is literally aging so much they’re watching boomer reality TV now. And LOVING IT. Will Pokémon save us from a civil war? Please???

We stave off The Dread by gabbing about Mormon Wives (again), Glee (again), America’s MAGA Sweethearts aka Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, Anna Delvey and those poor bunnies, and that time a bunch of celebrities cured COVID by singing Imagine in lots of different keys. 

We are not doctors and therefore cannot speak on the health risks of Blake’s hot tub depression meal. Please do not attempt. He is a trained professional. Heather tried to find god in a grocery store hot bar, but only found gas. Shoutout to Ravyn for the …inspirational? DMM submission. 

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick 

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

CW: eating disorders, barfing

Happy solstice, old! Like and subscribe for our foolproof, 5-step program to become a right wing grifter! Side effects may include botched plastic surgery and disintegration of all dignity.

This week, Blake is staying young with Schadenfreude following the Trump and Elon break up, but the politics of girlhood are both aging and impressing him. Heather felt very old and confused and homophobic visiting Fire Island and not finding a public bathroom, but absolutely loved discovering neurodivergent accessibility haircut TikTok. A weighted cape? Fashion AND function!

The two spend way too much time talking about barfing, when it’s a great option and when it isn’t, the implications of depicting barfing in a video, and Blake’s accidentally operatic barf sounds. Volume way down! Blake is grateful for YouTube stardom because he finally won the SEO against a priest with his same name. Heather misses stumbleupon.com, but it’s okay because they can (and do!) cry into the 2:28 min YouTube super cut of “It Justifies the Beans.” 

The Depression Meal Mondays jingle as a duet just might work, Taco Bell must have really high profit margins, Blake still loves cheese and bread, and Heather had a perfectly normal depression meal that got VERY WEIRD thanks to homestay hosts.

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick 

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the Labu Box! No scorpions here, just Blake being an edge lord and defending billionaires (again), Heather talking about their broken body and hot specialist doctors (again) and both hosts reliving their opera camp glory days like your dad talking about his favorite super bowl from 12 years ago.

This week, Tiny Chef is keeping Blake young and keeping all of us crying tender tears for a ball of wool. A newly discovered artifact is keeping Heather young and driving stick shift is literally causing their body to disintegrate. Blake is aged and everyone is rage baited by Labubus but the silver lining was finding out Glenn Close was in the 1992 cinematic masterpiece Hook, in the best pirate drag you’ve ever seen. Our hosts also do a deep dive of Human Shrek (Blake wishes), Little Gay Boy 45, Bronies, pro-natalist tech bio hackers, uber eats-ing fast food, and whether lying is worth it.

Depressiion meals this week featured frozen cookie dough, sardines, and Blake’s order of operations for eating Lunchables sandwiches. Neurodivergent or genius or both? You decide. Submit your own depression meal to [email protected] for a chance to hear it read (and judged) on air!

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Everybody UNCLENCH because we’re back to our regularly scheduled…schedule of Monday episode drops. Welcome back! We missed you! Did you miss us? Say it back! 😡🔪

This week some Jackbox merch is keeping Blake young somehow, Heather is escaping NYC to find the fountain of youth, and Blake dissects the politics of Nintendo Switch 2 and pizza delivery. They also discuss tamagotchi sex positions, Meredith Wilson’s The Music Man, pros and cons of engaging with idiots online, the ultimate way to genetically live forever aka having babies, and the Bobby Hill method of catcall defense. They also bravely debate Hot Button Issues. Listen without context and vote for who you’d cancel first! ;)

Depression Meal Monday has deep semantic implications and this week we collectively ask the universe: If no depressed, still depression meal? And. If meal sad, ergo I sad too? Stay turned for our, let’s say *minimalist* DMM listener submission!

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_


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Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of our choices to start a podcast without perfecting the technology first! See if you can hear how many hours Blake and Heather spent trying to remove the hum in Heather’s mic in this episode :)

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THIS JUST IN: Blake doesn’t care what pronouns you use, as long as you’re talking about him/her/them. Love wins.

This week Blake and Heather get into the usual what’s keeping us young and what’s aging them (spoiler: Blake has OPINIONS about lapel mics that aren’t on a lapel) plus botox, how many pills it takes to function in your 30s, the hotties of Ultimatum: Queer Love, Date Everything aka the only relationships Blake will ever go public about, Facebook Marketplace, the sweet relief of ADD medication, the biological requirements of being a YouTuber, and yes. What you all came here to see. Blake’s vitiligo genitalia, more commonly known as Cow D*ck. Heather saw it! Consensually!

Depression Meal Mondays are back and better than ever with listener submissions! Share your best/worst with us on ig: keepmeyoungpod or gmail: [email protected] and maybe we’ll shout out your cuisine choices you on air!

Our theme song “Old” is written and performed by the band pop kiss, fronted by Nicole and Sydney Patrick.

@popkisstheband

@niconeeek

@sydneypatrick_

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices