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[The Legend Returns]

Really Bad Mixtape (Might as well get it out of the way now)

Killst_rr (Instrumental)

Sleep Deprivation Sequence

You're not you when you're not you.

Hoe_math

Exactly what it sounds like.

[UnderWorld.]

R-R 1 -rarity.

[i Come Undone.]

AtPLAY Live Mix

[Autopilot.]

{A Star Is Born.}

For fear of fire;

Best not to wander off,

With no back track–

Might have forgotten the rest, but

It wasn't a poem,

or part of a song

At least, not yet

Fuck man. I really want to sample this.

Can't sample deadmau5; he's a bitch about paperwork.

You cant technically say that.

I mean, I technically didnd't.

Just let your fingers do the talking.

Ooh, look at that one.

What are you doing.

Some online shopping.

For what.

A man-thing.

You're better off letting your back end

Handle the conversation

Then again,

When in search of a venue

Anything with the proper connections

And stereo systems

Will do in the moment.

What do you want?

To get rid of my hiccups.

That's it:

*huccups* yu-p.

Wow, that's–

Have you ever thought about just–

I've thought about just about everything–that's how you got here.

I'm gonna go ahead and admit–there's too much going on in my head.

It's a lot.

I'm gonna need a nap.

GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME.

*sheath/ swoard*

Is that the sword of skrillex.

Yeus.

Give it to me.

*stabs in thigh*

Oooh.

Not the balls!

fair.

Around the world we go

Around we go again

Here we are

Oh no,

It's the same song

Over and over

I'd like you to love to today

(I'd love to forget for a moment I haven't)

I know before long, we get older and older

All wrong,

It's the same one,

Over and over.

Have you seen my butt plugs?

NO! GROSS.

It's alright. I'll just pick some up on the way.

AGGH.

Better yet, can you just put in the order on amazon

AmAZoN.

Yes.

(I'm so happy Amazon has anal plugs.)

Please stop now.

You're being a baby about this–just-

You know what. Nevermind. I'll do it myself.

Please do that.

Siri–

Oh my God.

Alexa–reorder from Amazon.

Come on focus.

…hmm…now what was I doing?

A B L E T O N

*spinning rainbow wheel of doom*

…seems like it was something.

Come on….FOCUS.

Hm.

When's the last time you had a marshmello.

Flashback:

[BONFIRE: Burning The Skrillex]

*Also making smores*

CUT BACK TO:

Like never, I'm vegan.

PASQUALE

WAKE. UP.

Holy shit. It's you again.

It's always me.

Last time you were like 26.

Well, now i'm this age.

Wait, how old are you.

Wouldn't you like to know.

There's a lot of things i'd like to know about you, Pasquale, that's not even near the top of the list.

Speaking of “top of the list”--

I do have a lot of things to do today.

Oh yeah, what's that?

I don't know. A bunch of crap.

Speaking of crap–

This is a lot of speaking.

Happy Birthday.

What is this.

It's Captain Crunch.

Yes it is. What is it doing in my lap.

That's your lunch.

I–no, it isn't.

It is.

No, i'm vegan.

Well, that's the “happy” part in “happy birthday”

No…

Yes, actually.

This is –

It is–

Vegan.

Damn.

Jinx. You owe me a Pererier.

Shut up.

Or a LaCroix. I'll taka a LaCroix.

You're so LA.

I guess that makes you Beverly Hills–

Or Pacific Palisades. Is that Annexed.

It is “LA”

What else is in this?

No animal product…

“Yellow 6”

It reads!

What happened to yellow 1-5?

A whole story.

Yes, but not a whole food. “Yellow 6?!”

That's the chemical complex you need to find yourself in the right dimension. Exactly.

What's wrong with this dimension?

What isn't?

I'm in it! You're in it!

Like I said.

What–

Just eat it.

Ugh–

happy trails.

*disappears*

Ugh. I gave that dude too much money.

Fuck, what was I doing again.

Deadmau5.

Uhm, no i was–

Deadmau5.

Deadmau5.

OOOOOH> YES.

I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU SLIMY MOTHERFUCKER.

Stop it.

YOU STOP IT. I KNOW IT'S YOU.

Who is it?

STOP IT.

Stop–doing that.

I know you're deadmau5.

I most certainly am not.

I know its you.

I have boobs.

How did you do this.

I did–n't.

That's right.

Fuck, what happened.

Nothin.

Now I gotta kill my stupid brother.

You have a brother?!

SKRILLEX. GET IN HERE.

Fuck, run.

I gotta go.
Go where.

Uhm. Somewhere else.

DILLON, THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE.

IT WAS NEVER FUNNY.

(It was funny to me.)

God does have a sense of humor.

AHAH–AHAHA–HAHAHA.

As it turns out, not the absolute best sense of humor.

Oh—he's okay! He's okay!

No, he's dead.

He's definitely dead.

But a sense of humor, nonetheless.

Fuck man. What did you do to Dillon Francis.

Nothing. I just got him drunk

On what?! Cyanide?

Okay, I don't even know what that is.

He's a corpse.

–but a pretty one.

C'mon. Be serious.

I can't.

Why not.

It's hilarious, kinda.

This isn't funny.

No, it's hilarious. He earned it.

He “earned” it?

Well, yes–

He is dead.

I mean, it's a long story; but he brought it upon himself, honestly.

“Honestly”

Please. PLease. Please.

No, I said.

PLEASE.

I SAID NO.

What's this story.

That's ten. I win.

Fuck.

DILLOn WAkE UP.

*smacks*

ahah.

I think it's working

I think he's waking up.

He's not waking up.

He must be. He's laughing.

He's not laughing

He said “haha'

*smacks*

haha .

See.

*smacks*

Mm. This shit smacks

HONEY SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKKSSSS.

Oh shit, is this the 90s.

HONEY SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKSSS.

*slams*

GIMMIE MY HONEY SMACKS.

That's it. There's no more.

AW, COME ON.

Sorry, that's all there is.

WHAT.

But yu can have captain crunch.

I DON'T WANT CAPTAIN CRUNCH. I WANT HONEY SMACKS.

I'm sorry, there are no more Honey Smacks. You can have Captain Crunch, or Shredded Wheat.

GRAMPA

Shredded Wheat is MY favorite.

Ugh.

Mm. Honey Smacks.

I HATE YOU.

Be nice to your brother.

Lol. Everything about Dillon's eyes makes him devastating.

Who plays tiny Dillon?

I don't know. There are like nine in the script.

It shouldn't be hard to cast. We'll go to utah.

Fucking. I hate Utah.

WELCOME TO UTAH.

Nice.

Alright, well, what other grounds are there to cover, here?

DILLOn FRANCIS

I am not doing this project.

Of course you are–it's in your contract.

What contract.

The one you signed.

Which–no–I didn't.

But you did.

SUNNI BLU

I got you a drink.

DILLON FRANCIS

That looks fruity.

SUNNI BLU

Try it.

DILLON FRANCIS

*sips*

DILLON FRANCIS CONT'D

What's in this.

Just– drink it.

SUNNI BLU

Don't look at me like that.

DILLOn FRANCIS

Like what.

SUNNI BLU

Do you need a mirror?

DILLON FRANCIS

I–

SUNNI BLU

Look down.

DILLON FRANCIS

*does*

SUNNI BLU

*flicking nose*

Made you look. haha .

DILLOn FRANCIS

Wow. [takes drink]

SUNNI BLU
That's the spirit. But literally there's a mirror between your feet, if you need one.

[there literally is]

SUNNI BLU CONT'D

The floor is made of mirrors

DILLOn FRANCIS

*suddenly inebriated*

Oh wow.

SUNNI BLU

The whole club turns into a disco ball.

DILLON FRANCIS

*suddenly very inebriated*

That's–convenient.

SUNNI BLU

It is.

SHIA

DON'T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS.

If my dreams were not just dreams, everyone in here would have a lawsuit against me.

A lot of us do.

Carry on, then.

SKRILLEX

BLAIGH.

Oh shit, its you again.

I swear to God, I thought I killed this nigga.

Are you sure it was him?

SKRILLEX

!!!!

No.

Alright, i've almost got it.

Almost got what.

This whole– thing.

Oh.

–and–it's gone.

Really, that quick.

I don't think you understand what's happening.

You're right, i don't understand what's happening at all.

Oh shit. I'm deadmau5.

Nice.

Fuck it, lets do some trolling.

Alright alright.

BUT FIRST, COFFEE.

Fuck dude, I don't think I should have anymore coffee.

Too late.

deadmau5.

ok .

Deadmau5.

Nice.

D–0

DOn'T D o THis, I'M WARNING YOU.

….

If you open that portal, there's no going back.

*opens portal*

Now you've done it.

*goes into portal*

Fuck.

*portal closes neatly*

*facepalm*

*entire series of cosmos collapse in the great distance–time begins to stretch and bend uncontrollably*

Come on, just let me lick the balls.

NO.

I'll give you a cookie.

well …

OH my GAWD.

What.

Come here, you have to see this.

What the fuck is that.

I don't know.

Should i pick it up?

No, don't touch it!

He picked it up.

Oh, gross.

What is this.

I don't know. I think it's fanfiction.

Who wrote it.

Idk. somefangirl.

Fangurl.

FaNGiRls.

Well, Hey, at least i'm not a groupie.

OH COME ON, JUST LET ME SUCK IT.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

PLEASE. i'LL GIVE YOU $40.

-well.

NOW, A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Since when does this show have commercials.

It doesn't.

I want to talk to Jimmy Fallon.

That's–not happening.

Why not.

JIMMY FALLON

BECAUSE I HAVE A CONTRACT WITH NBC.

There he is–

Nice.

JIMMY FALLON YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

I AM A FAMILY MAN, OKAY.

Is that like Family Guy? By Chance?!

SETH MCFARLENE

(with super long hair)

*crossing fingers*

I'm hoping so.

JIMMY FALLON

Not even close!

SETH MCFARLENE

*snaps*

Dammit.

Oh, I get it. It's like–The Cofffee run

Which “coffee run”

THE coffee run.

We'll have to admit, it's probably the most watched coffee run of all time.

Of all of them.

You know what? Fuck it, fire me. I'm doing this show.

What?! JImmy. Why on EARTH would you ever agree to something like this.

JIMMY FALLON THE COSMIC AVENGER

Because–it's my duty.

Yo.

You know that song that everybody knows?

You know the song because everybody knows this song.

It goes:

Lovin you–

is easy cause youre beautiful.

do - do- do - do- do- do- do…

Yeah. You know that song.

But you probably don't know who sings it.

I'll tell you who sings it.

That song is by an artist called Minnie Ripperton.

That's a mouthful.

Yeah, one hell of a name, huh.

Well, that's the lady who sings the song.

It's Minnie Riperton.

Now, let me tell you something else you probably don't know:

Something I probably wouldn't know if I wasn't a DJ

But i know this, because I'm a DJ

AND

MAYA RUDOLPH

WAUT A MINUTE.

What the fuck, Maya Rudoph, are you doing in my bathroom at 5 AM

It's 1:15 in the afternoon.

I'm a DJ. It's 5 AM.

That's making sense.

I know it is. What's not making sense. Is why you're in my bathroom drinking a milkshake.

It's a strawberry milkshake.

So it is.

*slurps milkshake*

*sitting on toilet*

*slurps*

What do you want.

You want to know what I want?

Apparently, a milkshake.

It's a strawberry milkshake.

OK.

OK.

OK so what.

Finish the script.

–What?

Fuck dude, how does this song sound good every time?

Congratulations, you've gone entirely insane.

beep-boop .

[DJ]

B00p beep.

[Music Producer]

Beep-beep.

0.c.

Do not fall dangerously in love;

Do not pass go

Do not collect $200

Or any of it

For any reason,

For any of it

For any of them

Just keep it pushin;

Just keep it private

Just hold it all in and

Do not let go

Do not fall in love

Do not pass go

Do not unload

Do not walk

Do not cross here

Do not

It smells like butter.

But you're vegan.

I know.

Do you think you're having a stroke.

God, I fucking hope so.

GOD

You WHAT.

I want to die.

GOD

I thought i heart you right.

You heard me right–a THOUSAND times. I want to die. Take me out of this life.

GOD
Not until you make dubstep.

WHAT.

GOD

You gotta make a grammy-winning dubstep album.

I what.

GOD

Or at least nominated.

No, I don't.

GOD

Beg your pardon.

I'm not begging.

GOD

What are you getting at, hon?

Look; Am I not one with the source?

GOD

Uhm–you are.

Alright, Then: everything is everything.

GOD

Yes.

And everyone is everyone.

GOD

This is true.

So i'm Skrillex.

GOD

Skrillex is Skrillex

So I Am.

GOD

…

And I already won a grammy.

GOD

…

Like a bunch of them, right.

GOD

Uh.

So technically–

GOD

YOu know what. I can't argue with that logic.

This isn't ableton.

No. This is Logic.

What the fuck. That's not Serato.

No, that's Rekordbox.

What the fuck is this.

These are CDJs.

There's no hot cues!

What the fuck is a “HOT CUE”

This is not food.

What the fucking sauce.

I'm warning you, Pasquale. Get off my lawn.

THIS IS MY HOUSE.

Your house it is not.

*House music starts blasting*

*lasers* sprinklers* dancers*

WHAT THE FUCK.

It's voice activated, I just–

How did you do this?!

What.

WHAT DID YOu DO. AND WHEN.

I don't know! I just took the delorean, like you said.

You were supposed to find Dillon Francis.

I did! The problem was, when I found the right one, he was dead!

What? He's dead?

Presumably!

What do you mean by that!?

It's a long story!

WELL, HOW LONG?

SUNNI BLU

About as long as my dick!

WHO IS THAT.

I told you it's a long story.

Well, let me in!

Sorry Pasquale. No Can do.

What. Why not.

Cause you're on a federal watch list.

What.

Yeah. Sorry.

Wait…

You should probably leave before the feds get here.

What?

Unless you want to stay and party on the lawn but–not recommended.

This is bizarre.

The police arrive, surrounding Pasquale on the yard–moving in to arrest him.

WAIT.

SUPACREE turns away from the window; inside, a room full of her aliases sit looking somewhat miserably;

SUPACREE!!!

[Pasquale is handcuffed and i dragged off of the lawn]

SUPACREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Careless, Acoustic–deadmau5

SUPACREE pours a bowl of captain crunch, taking one colossal bite and sits down in THE CONTROL ROOM at a large computer console; inhaling from a can of nitrous oxide.

I'm the worst DJ ever.

SUPACREE places the fames deadmau5 helmet atop her head and begins working at the computer promptly, clicking away; Now is deadmau5

I don't even know what key this song is in.

MEOWINGTONS, Alive and well purrs and stretches, then settles atop SUPACREE/deadmau5's lap.

This is insane.

I don't know what's happening.

END CREDITS. V. O.

Lovin' You, Minnie Ripperton Carless, deadmau5

idk how i'm gonna mix that.

Trust me. Anything can be mixed.

Anything.

[When it]

Turns out,

The bottom of your heart

Was the tip of the Ice Berg

And the whole ship has [s]unk[en],

[&] I[t]'s probably ice cold

At the bottom of the ocean;

I'll tell you where i'm from

Why,

I'll tell you anything for

About one dollar

Turns out,

I've already got one eye on you;

One eye'd sad heart

I should probably roll out my art on you

[I probably should not]

One man bought a kiss,

Another, a whole night from her–

One man bought a whole farm

The other, a Whole Foods Market

–and you can't even franchise those

Amazon's got a monopoly

We were playing for corners of earth,

All i got was some kandi,

Subscriptions to candidly,

Actually,

I really liked the tree trial

(I think i'll wait a week, sorry)

When it turns out

The world that you wanted

Was actually hours already

The dollar you got

Was also borrowed

And the money they wanted and got

Was just actually stolen from someone else

They bought all the food up

And sold it for profits

I promise this avocado

Once costs nothing at all

But you wanted that car for your daughter

She's got a mercedes and don't even drive it

My mom, on my honor

Of all the garages in Lost Lands,

I promise the owner of it was

The first to go last,

And the last to come home

Now he's on his own alter

And also the worshiper;

How do you go back?

Oh, you don't

Oh you don't

Oh, you don't wanna know that

But i was of course,

All of your rock bottoms

It's bottoms and tops, and

We don't let the top fall over,

We're counting up crumbs

And this muffin costs $24 dollars

Pour a whole bottle of coconut water out on the sidewalks

For the dead homies

Not dead in the general sense

But just in the head, the heart,

And the soul

The homeless are happier at McDonalds

Than asking at crossroads and crosswalks

For dollars I'd rather spend elsewhere

I'll avoid the power struggle at operations

for about 18 dollars and 56 sense

(Please, keep the pennies)

I'm feeling around in my 6th sense that there's

Something indecent, or decadent

Whichever it is

Cause i'm better of with the memory of it

Than actually dragging it in.

–I'm a cat again.

Ouch.

Shut up.

It HURTS.

Of course it hurts, you just had heart surgery without any anistetics.

YEah, but to be fair–that was a lot of acid.

Yes, but lucily for you–

–or, for him–

Lucily for us, there's no lethal amount of acid.

–Ouch–

–Shut up.

That we know of.

George Washington

John Adams

Thomas Jefferson

James Monroe

Nope, can't for the life of me remember the 5th

Oh shit, I was wrong

Turns out, my memory only can hold three.

That's a good number

I really wish you'd stop just–showing up like this.

I never leave.

Then go away.

I live here.

I know you'd like to think that, but–

Okay, I'm going to tell you something but I need you to remain calm.

What time is it?

I don't care

Are we gonna make a movie?

Depends; is it gonna make me money.

FINE.

I don't need anymore information about anything else: only these three.

Are you serious?

I wish I wasn't.

I need you to do this.

Look, Timmy–I'm not really into grantng wishes anymore. It always blows back on me.

A blowjob.

Uh huh.

That's why you're bothering me.

I–would rather you just pick up the call.

Take a message.

I like ‘em like this.

I like ‘em like that.

I like ‘em like this.

–and I like ‘em like that.

And I like ‘em like this.

–and I like ‘em like that.

Mmm like that.

Like that.

I like ‘em like this.

I like ‘em like that.

I like ‘em like this.

–and I like ‘em like that.

And I like ‘em like this.

–and I like ‘em like that.

Mmm like this

Like that.

Like —

_____

The urge to eat had suddenly left me

I wanted a burrito,

(But I want to eat red meat)

I've gotta stop thinking in sequences and parentheses

Complex lines, and writing in past tense so presently.

I probably should eat

(But probably shouldn't…)

I'm starting to bleed;

As if i'd been fasting

Perhaps, though I had been

But had so indulgently feasted

On calories enough to last me

Till after today

(or even till next week)

PAY ATTENTION.

Woah, to WHAT.

Holy shit, I knew this dude was a psychopath but.

This is real.

ARE YOU SEEING THIS.

I “see” it.

I should stop meditating in public.

You see this? I know everything about you.

Why?

I bought it on the internet.

What is it.

Metadata.

That's…flattering.

Yeah.

Wake up.

Why, where are we going?

Atlanta.

What's in Atlanta?

You see this?

Yes.

Do you know what it is?

Uh, it's a–

What is it?

It's a doll.

It's not a doll.

Oh, it's not.

Gimmie a dollar.

-_-

It's a poppit.

“Dr pimple popper”

Ew that's fucking gross.

I hate this.

Let me see.

Does s/he have backne?

Yes/No.

Great, i'll take it.

Fuckit.

Okay, I got to “whatever”.

You went too far.

What? I thought I was supposed to go past “fuckit”

Yeah, you go past fuckit,

I did that!

But if you get to “whatever”, you've gone too far.

You've gotta go back.

Back to WHAT. There was almost no space between “fuckit” and “whatever”

Oh trust me. There is.

So?

This is how he's been controlling you.

And?

And!?

Has it ever occurred to you that I want to be controlled?

What!

That it just takes the right person to get that kind of permission–

permission to what

Permission to ride.

…

Maybe I gave him the reigns.

What horse “gives” its rider the reigns.

Who said anything about a horse?!

Another Horse Mix.

Nice.

fuck .

FYCK.

I told you.

You know what…
Maybe that's my poppit.

What.

Maybe.

I'm so confused.

Oh, good–the reversal spell worked.

You did a reversal spell on me?

Only after I found out what spell you put on ME–FIRST.

Yeah, except I wasn't the first one to use that spell on you.

EXACTLY. COPY-CAT.

Moo.

Aww.

I'm a cat.

…

*face*

I mean “meow”

That's right. Cat.

…moo.

*face*

Lookie here boys:

What is it?

–I'm leaving.

Oh, you're gonna wanna hear this.

What.

I found the first “whites only” water fountain since 1962.

Okay, what do you want?

A deal.

Oh, I'll give you a deal.

Cash up front.

[He presents a one dollar bill]

Is this enough.

[beat]

Where are you going with this?

Nowhere, fast.

YO.

What now, dude.

SHE'S ONTO US.

I doubt that.

Look at this.

I highly doubt–

*gaaassp* Shenanigans!

You know what I like about you, Ariana?

Everything.

Hah.

Hm.

You know how to keep a secret.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Exactly.

*rolls eyes, flips hair.*

Well, here's another one for you.

–Another what?

This is how my darkness becomes your darkness.

I already have enough on my own.

I know.

You don't know. Only God knows.

MOM!

Don't ask me again.

This is heavy, Doc.

What is it?

The soup! It's too heavy.

Too much cream?

Way too much! I have a meeting!

Meeting with who?

The Hollywood People.

When?

Soon–what time is it?

I don't know.

Dammit! Why don't you have any clocks in your house?

I only just recently remembered what a clock was.

Oh!

Here.

[God produces a small pocket watch and presents it to him; it's nearly noon on EARTH; But the two are sharing a meal of course in the famed kitchen of the Creator in the TImeless VOID.]

Ah, Jesus Christ!

He's not here…

I'm gonna be late.

Now, now; You know I wouldn't let that happen–

[a smug look|

Hugs and Kisses.

[As they embrace, he disappears into a mist of light and stardust, fading away from the void and into the exterior world; he realizes God has slipped him the watch; he flips it open to reveal the time: it is now 11:44]

Amazing.

V.O.

Now you won't wait so long to visit.

[He places the wach in his pocket and walks into the studio]

MICHAEL J. FOX has been asked to reprise his role as MARTY MCFLY many times before; But never for a project like this.

____

Meanwhile,

What am I going to do with you?

[The Festival Project.™]

YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!

–I'm dead to everyone!

Don't do this.

You wanted to come to the other side.

No, I didn't.

We'll you're here anyway;

Might as well stay awhile.

With eyes like burning fire

And saddles for the riders

The horse begins to gallop

(or the horses, rather)

On the mark to beating drums

To move them forward faster

What the fuck is this.

idk. Kx5.

*-*

!_!

Here u go

Wat is this.

it's a dragon.

Oh, thats nice.

Ya.

Whats it do.

Idk. dragon things.

ok.

Don't put it in ur bathroom.

Why.

idrk.

Hm.

†

Hey.

Ugh–No, Kaskade, go away.

It's me, Ryan!

No, Get out!

I'm No† Ka–k (gags) –skade!

Gross!

It's just Ryan! I promise!

NO. GET OUT.

Lmfao.

Right.

This show is fantastic.

Who was that.

Fucking–Kaskade again!

Are you sure.

Ugh.

Looks like Ryan.

Kaskade is Kaskade.

{shrugs] Dudes a creep.

“Kaskade Ruins Lives”

Is this the same episode as before?

Eventually, yes.

Wasn't I doing something

Are you goona let this go?

Um.

Well I'm fucked.

Why, what happened.

Obsidian.

That should do

Unsobsidian.

Okay, i'm fucked,

Well, what's this?

An Oreo Cookie.

I mean, sitting next to it.

Oh, its a portal gun.

Raves are not just raves–

A party is not simply a “party”

–These big festivals

–they're diversions.

–DIstractions.

Distractions from what.

If you were supposed to know,

–you'd know.

it wouldn't be so important that you go.

Why is it?

These ancient rituals…

It's occult magic.

They've got it down to a science.

The government funds this.

The government funds everything.

WoooooooW.

It's not really a secret, if you can google it.

‘-complications.'

I'm lost somewhere, gone

HIppopatamus

feeling quite off in the galaxies,

galavanting

Gazing at Daisies

Aces and spades

Gone from Heaven to Hades for days

On the A–

Adjacent

Recently dismantling adjectives,

Lampshades and matching curtains

God it hurts, every day that I think about you;

But how can i be about you when

You don't even see me, do you

Signature consignments,

Wrong environments and irony is,

I wasn't invited–

–but invented it

WHY IS IT ALWAYS CHRISTMAS?!

BEcause, you're in a movie.

WHAT.

You're stuck in a Hollywood movie.

The Master Sorcerer

Of the Grand Illusion

You just want it so bad

You don't know what you're in for

Inquenchable Thirst for knowledge

Insatiable Sexual Appetite

Great, now I have to explain myself.

You don't have to.

What's this space for?

Oh, that's the red room.

[The Red Room]

Well, obviously, but–

But what?

What's it for?

I don't think anybody should read this.

HEY. Participation Only–

Oh!

No peeking!

You ever feel like you're doing too much?

Yeah, but not for money.

Look, we have them surrounded. Our best course of action is to–

deadmau5 .

What? No–

DEADMAU5.

Well, are you sure it was a mouse and not a rat?

It was a mouse. I know the difference.

Do you, though?

Look, I've lived in Mexico and New York City.

So.

In Queens.

Oh.

That's mathematically impossible.

I mean it's not–impossible.

No, it's not just impossible. It's mathematically impossible.

Has it ever occurred to you that the DJ World in entirety exists outside of the realm of math and science?

What is this.

Just–enjoy the rave.

No. What is this.

Look at the firewoooorkkks! Woo EDC…

NO. What is this right here.

BEFORE:

Hey, you still got that balloon?

Yeah.

Lemme see it.

Dude, what are you doing?

…I'mma go catch me a DJ.

THIS IS NUTS.

I can't feel my face.

What do you call this?

Collateral Damage.

Look, I'm going to have to take frequent trips to the bathroom.

ok .

And–uhh–

and.

Uhh–

Why did you call me over here.

Cause i can.

Look. this is not magic. This is not science. This is not “voodoo”

Voodoo is magic.

It's just music.

W H E R E D I D H E G O O O O O

I don't know.

Fuck dude, I fucked up.

Once again–

Of course you did.

What did you do this time?

I might have evaporated someone with my fat fucking bass.

Nice.

Way to go.

Yeah.

Wait.

…

Did you just say.

HE JUST

He deserted me.

SO WAIT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE ME HERE?

ALRIGHT, WHO THREW A ROCKSTAR IN MY TENT?

JEFF

Alright, lets go.

WHO DID THIS.

So what's this place.

Lets not let this conversation resurface.

This is a 21 Plus Event.

What about VIP

VIP is 25 Plus.

What about that place.

Sorry kids.

[NO ENTRY]

We gotta get in there.

So then they wanted an Encore.

Did you give them an encore?

NO, i was already at my hotel room.

Then how did you know that they wanted an encore?

WHICH IS IT, THE WYNN, OR THE ENCORE.

FUCK, I DON'T REMEMBER.

Please, who stays at the Encore for EDC?

Have you literally never been out with rich people?

No, I literally just got rich.

Oh, nice.

So, wait, like–

Here we go.

Dillon Francis has just always been rich?

Uh-huh.

And Skrillex has always been rich?

Yes. Definitely.

And deadmau5.

deadmau5 is Canadian.

OH MY GOD.

W E L C O M E

I'm going to need your absolute discretion about this.

Alright.

Sign this waiver.

…this is a…pretty heavy packet.

I'll wait.

I've never signed an NDA like that in my life.

Lil' biiiiiiiiiiiiiitzzzz

Can we just admit it's weird that we live in an era where “NDA” is household jargon.

And like, everyone knows what it means.

Everyone knows what an NDA is.

I appreciate the sentiments

Isn't it weird how it sets in automatically?

Autopilot, go.

Aww, i don't want to be Autopilot.

You're on autopilot.

I don't really have to think about it anymore,

I'll have to sleep on it

Wear a white t-shift,

Hear the applause of the audience,

Eat it

You wanna know what I think?

You want to know what I'm drinking?

You know what I need?

An Icee,

(cause I see you typing)
An awful Omnipotence

A God of Mirages

No more carbohydrates,

I gotta get all thin;

Forgot to acknowledge

Whether or not i'm turning this off soon

I are.

I…”are”

I are.

Infinite Reality.

OH. I. R.

IR! IR!

IRV

I ARE.

Suddenly,

I remember the taste of talcum powder

As If I were

Moving backwards

In time,

Like,

Why, God on earth would

My mom let me

try that,

But if i'm honest,

Fuck man, I hate deadmau5–

There's just too much in here.

Beep boop. I love deadmau5. It's so simple.

What is this, MATH?!

THIS IS AERODYNAMICS.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE AERO DYNAMICS

DId you mean what you said about that?

I meant everything I said.

Goddammit, fuck this, I was in the middle of a really complex poem

In realtime, listening to deadmau5

Having a partially out of body spiritual experience,

Entirely fucking sober

FACEPALM

BLŪ

8facepalming dramatically in frustration*

NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THIS.

beepboop.

YO.

Oh,

I forgot my open form poetry,

or my mom

How my mom once

allowed me to gnaw on talcum powder

But who can blame her

That was a hard one

It was a past life

And now ive

Got

Another

One

HOly shit what version of the cube is this.

1D.

What.

You'll get it.

Wait.

Have you ever stopped for a minute to think–

I can't stop for a minute, especially just to “think”

[Literally stops for a minute to think.]

No fucking way, uh-uh.

Come on, man.

No. I ain't time travelin' wit deadmau5.

Come on–

NO.

–that someone else has already figured all of this out and that's how any of it is possible in the first place.

Alright, i'm gonna need some mind-altering drugs for this.

What are you doing.

Voluntary Ego Death.

I–

Wait. Why would you.

Get out of my brain.

I am your brain.

Take care, now.

Holy shit, it seems like she's getting more evil.

That's because she's definitely more evil

ALRIGHT, I'M TIRED OF THIS:
WHERE IN THE FUCK IS SKRILLEX.

MEANWHILE

INT. IN THE FUCK. DAY.

*rings doorbell*

AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME.

I'm not joking, that's…literally the answer to your question.

Oh.

Fuck.

What dude.

We gotta go back. I left the keys in the pocket of the guy I shapeshifted into.

Are you serious?

It's fine, he can't have gone too far, dude.

What do you mean he “left the dimension”

He entered a portal.

He– wait, excuse me.

A portal.

A “portal”, dude?

Yeah; a portal.

What do you mean “a portal”

A portal, like— you know, like a portal gun, but not a portal gun, just a portal.

Uh huh.

Excuse us for a second.

What the fuck is this dude talking about?

I don't know, man.

Humans don't use portals!

I know man.

What the fuck!

Well, wait—how do we know that guy is human.

He looks human.

Yeah dude but, we look human.

Duh! Cause we shifted!

Yeah, but, how do we know he's not a shifter.

Because, dude, I know a shifter when I see one.

Yeah, but—you know, what if he's really good.

I highly doubt that.

Why?

Cause I'm the best.

No, I am.

Exactly, so we'd know if it was another shifter–cause we're the best shifters!

Well, let's at least try to see if he knows anything else about those guys. They were together right?

I hope not.

No, not like that—like

Okay, okay, whatever, let's just…

Wait, where'd he go?

Excuse me.

What up.

There was just another guy over here just now—

He was like—you know—normal looking guy

Tie die* shirt

Yeah.

Did you see him.

Yeah, I saw him.

Alright, cool, where'd he go?

He left.

What?!

That was fast!

Yeah, well…it happens.

Are you sure?

Yes.

*actually is shifter*

[as they walk away, the shifter shifts, and then vanishes into a random portal.]

Awww, dammit,

Now we're never gonna find this guy.

Never say never.

Whatever, we're dead.

We're always dead.

Yeah, but like in modern human slang terms

Oh, yeah, that.

Anyways, I gotta relieve this human's bladder. I fucking hate this species for this.

It is useless.

*enters portal potty*

[

Wait, whatever actually did happen to Dillon Francis?

That's great, I was just getting to that.

19 Pages. Nice.

…no, 12.

What.

[11:12]

Okay, I'm gonna kill him.

Oh, I banished him.

With my fists.

Nice. Tits.

Nice tits.

Thx.

Hey man.

Hey what.

Remember that smudge on the lens.

Yeah.

It just got bigger.

… did you try vinegar instead of Windex.

Yes.

–IT'S NOT A SMUDGE.

Did you try Windex with Vinegar.

–IT'S NOT A–

Shut up.

I'm. So. Hungry.

Look, do you want this, or not?

Do you feel like any of this is a coincidence?

Just quit, it. Dillon Francis.

WHERE IS IT?

I don't know.

Lets kick this up a notch.

ILLUMINATI

What do you want?

…

I want the full package.

ILLUMINATI

Okay, I'm gonna need specifics.

How do you even get a job as a courier for the illuminati?

[INDEED.COM | ILLUMINATI - COURIER- URGENTLY HIRING]

Hm.

It was a pretty specific list.

I don't even get the point of a barbeque if everyone is vegan

Well, The Mayor eats fish.

Oh please, where is THAT guy the Mayor of?

I don't know. We meet in the Matrix.

This is for you.

Oh.

Do you like it?

I–

It's not a brothel! It's Member's Only!

YOu BUY a Membership.

Yeah. And WOMEN.

HEy, MAN, YOU CAN BUY DUDES, TOO.

SHHH.
Oh no.

What.

What did you do?

I gave her my credit card.

The Heavy One?

Yes, and–

“AND”

–access to the black market.

Cool, I got it.

Oh, another auction.

Of course another auction.

What'd you buy this time?

A lifesize deadmau5 bobblehead.

What are you gonna do with that?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Ok, gross.

LIL BIIIIIIIITXXXX

I love a good deamau5 show. He really does have the best fans,

It's a comfortable, safe space.

Very inviting.

Everyone is happy.

What the fuck, dude, this place is a sausage fest.

Yeah, that's deadmau5 for ya.

Hey, I'm looking for this shithead.

Oh, that dude?

Yeah, have you seen him?

Fuck, I wish this never happened.

LIL BIIIIITz

If you don't know who deadmau6* is–

GET OUT.

Jk. but seriously this is easily the most devastating person i've ever seen.

Maybe just to me, but.

Are you sure that's the right guy?

Yeah, that's gotta be him.

Is he wearing glasses?

Ugh.

Oh wait.

Damn.

‘Fuck, it is my sapiosexuality, I think'

Even if it was perhaps an error, as I might have more than needed a new pair of glasses myself, just the thought of Joel in a pair of specables was suddenly and immediately the equivalent of Dillon Francis sitting down at a piano, or Sonny doing just about literally anything–and I realized, finally, that the most indecent things about myself were quite possibly only happening inside my own mind–

Okay, my body does really weird things to this dude's music.

Are you sure this is real?

No.

I love this.

Just shut up and do your job.

What a nightmare.

PLease HElP ME.

Hm. That can't be right.

What.

This translates to

H E L P M E

Oh, shit, I gotta go.

Shouldn't you be working right now?

I'm always working.

Shouldn't you be working right now?

I'm at work.

Well, that was nice and all, but–I gotta get out of here.

Where are you going?

To shoot myself.

Wow, that's one hell of a smile.

Just–take it.

I'm sorry, i can't accept this.

What is even happening in this series?

Like, a lot

WOULD YOU KIDS SETTLE DOWN.

*not settling down*

*lil biiiiiiiitz*

You know what I wonder?

I wonder this

I'm sober.

I'm just sober sally over here.

I didn't get sober.

I just am.

Cause i'd rather face the pain of this harsh reality with a bite

than to dull it out and then wake up in the morning

Or–just–whenever–

To wake up whenever and be like

“OH NO, THIS IS WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE”

And the shock of it is so horrible that I just have to repeat that cycle again.

‘OH NOOOOOO”

*gets faded*

“It's all goooooood”

No, it isn't.

But i choose to stay like that cause it's like a

It's not even a happy medium,

It's more like a

median-medium

But you know what?

It makes happier moments more happy

And shitter moments less shitty

Because i don't have this like drastic spacial

Augmented reality or like smoke screen of emotional apathy.

I get to feel things way more intensely.

I don't have to wonder, ever

“oh , did that just happen, cause I was messed up”

Or like

“would it have happened this way if I was sober”

At all.

I'm just level–

No false sense of

Pretty much anything.

But i do wonder, though–

Like, for people who weren't always sober, and then

GOT sober–

like , what's the breaking point

What's the tip?

I always have to sit back and wonder

“What did you DO?”

Cause you know it had to be something if suddenly

“I don't drink anymore”

I always wonder, and it's like–

no disrespect or anything thing but…

I really wanna hear that story.

lol .

I know you don't wanna tell it

(if you can)

But wanna hear it.

Cause from my point of view.

IT's probably hilarious.

I know. I'm a dick.

Holy shit. What is that.

Looks like pasquale went all out with the fireworks this year.

…is that a penis?

WELCOME HOME

It's a giant dick- in-the-sky!

GOD IS REAL!

JESUS

Look, so i've been having second thoughts about this whole thing.

What the fuck man. You gotta stop doing shit like this.

JESUS

I literally can't.

I know, but.

Okay, look. I'm not writing any of that.

You've gotta tell him.

NO, RYAN.

WELL, WHY NOT.

BECAUSE, RYAN.

WHY.

DEADMAU5 ISN'T REAL.

Damn, am I in here.

Nice.

Of course I am.

Well, how'd that happen.

This is like a sea of cellphones.

Perfect.

It was a red car;
I wasn't all there,

And if you want her,

You can have her

Fuck.

What.

I forgot the rest of the verse.

It's ok. We gotta move on.

No, I gotta go back.

For what.

For my fans.

Aw. What's this.

IT's a ceramic mug.

Wow, that's nice.

I made it

Wait. You made that?!

Yeah.

With your hands?!

Yeah.

Why would you do that?

For you.

What.

I made it for you?

Like, you thought of me first, then you made it?

Yeah.

WHY?

Cause i love you!

WOW.

Fans are awesome

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

*Sometimes.

*vomits*

…

*dies*

…

*godlessness*

[Devastating DJ Moments]

I don't get it dawg, all this shit is in your music particles?!

“Music particles”

UGH.

what .

That's it. Don't be smart around me.

Uh. I'm not smart?

No, that won't work; sarcasm is a sign of deeper intelligence.

“Sorry”

Stop saying that. This is America.

S–

Don't say it again. Apology not accepted.

Don't look at me like that.

Like what.

With your face.

*face*

Quick: Say something stupid and random.

…I like anime.

Oh good, that worked. Thanks.

Where are you going?

Idk somewhere else.

Really, that's it?

Yeah.

That's all you have to say/

That's literally it.

Are you seeing this.

Yes.

So what's the problem.

Oh no, she's stuck in a loop.

Throw the whole fan away.

[DELETE]

Did it work.

Did what work.

Oh, good. Cool.

Wait.

See ya later.

Did what work?

I wish i could just forget about this.

Everything?

Yeah.

Look, this is between me and God–okay?

GOD

Don't drag me into this.

You dragged ME into this!

GOD

Right. So i could get OUT; So don't drag me back in.

Fuck, I remember this. I must have done something important here.

Like what.

Look, I love you.

Great, now what do we do?

Bury the body, I guess.

*shrugs*

Wait, what happened?

Somebody dies.

OKay, me first.

Other Three:

Who wants to go next.

*still in shock*

Fuck man, told you this was a long ass story.

*Crying* I'm ruined.

What! You went broke?

No, i'm still a filthy rich millionaire.

I thought you were a billionaire.

I am I just *snifs* sometimes I forget that happened.

“Sometimes I forget I'm a billionaire”

I got to admit, man, I did it to myself.

I'm not mad, or anything, but now there's just–certain things I can't do

Oh, like what.

Not that song.

What, why not?

You said “anything but Skrillex” this is not Skrillex, this is deadmau5.

What's the difference?

Okay, that's like saying “What's the difference between deadmau5' and my music?”

No, it isn't.

How is that not different?

That's like comparing the music of Bach and Beethoven to the music of a tattooed hedgehog.

You think I look like a hedgehog.

No, it's just when I see you and a hedgehog I have all the same thoughts, turn this off.

NO, i like this song.

Seriously, Dillon Francis, turn it off.

I'm gonna turn it up instead.

I do not highly recommend doing that. Or at all. This ship has amazing subs.

Should I bass boost this song.

NO, PROBABLY NOT.

Oh, why not?

Dillon Francis, I'm warning you, stop.

OH HOW COME

BECAUSE

WHY? BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A HEDEHOG

NO, BECAUSE I ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AT THIS

*DROP*

[INSTANTLY FALLS ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL–ACTIVATES HYPERSPACE–

PLUMMETS SHIP INTO BLACK –

HOLE.

ohhhhh .

What a hoe.

Nice, that's a whole episode.

Well, here's a bonus scene or whatever.

Shazam, what is this.

SHAZAM

…i don't know.

What do you mean you don't know.

SHAZAM

*panicing*

IDONNO

WHAT DO YOU MEAN–

SHAZAM

IDON. NO.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Is this deadmau5.

I'm not sure.

Sounds like deadmau5.

It sure does.

This is pretty

Ooh. it sparkles.

yeah , it's deadmau5.

How does she KNOW.

I need a deadmau5 machine like right now.

I know where to find that.

Fuck dude, everything's gonna be half-ass until I push out this album.

You can't rush it.

Trust the process.

I can't focus.

Oh shit, wasn't this in the last episode?

Yeah. I'm still writing backwards.

God, what is that, like a pipe organ.

WHAT SYNTH IS THIS.

Doesn't matter, I just need one.

That's it. I know what I'm going to spend my Jimmy Fallons On.

And What's that?

V.O.

OOh. Are we Montaging–to deadmau5?

[MONTAGE: deadmau5]

Nice.

I love a good montage.

I love deadmau45*

AHH OH NO.

I love deadmau5.

I keep making typos and I keep forgetting to delete that parallel where.

fuckit.

That's the synth I've always wanted.

It's on sale for $999 At Sam Ash

But…you only have Five JImmy Fallons.

There are only five special edition in this Volume

The Jimmy Fallon 555's

I don't know how many volumes there are, but this is the Volume I started keeping track.

Fuck, man. I miss Equinox.

It's just Eucalyptus.

They also have an outdoor running track where you get the best ever view of midtown manhattan.

How do you know it's the best ever view of Midtown manhattan.

Because it's on a running track.

STOP WHISTLING IN MY WHOOP=WHOOPS.

The JImmy Fallon 555s are marked with the standard Jimmy Fallon in black ink

With a simple side marker of the number 555 in red

And also in red,

a telephone number on the back.

But–that synthesizer is One Thousand Jimmy Fallons.

Yeah. So I only need Nine Hundred Ninety Five More.

And of course, the Eye of Providence is highlighted.

Also Standard.

V.O.

I always highlight that.

Cause, you know…

“Illuminati”

These are fake.

No they're not!

They're counterfeit, sorry.

No they're not!

They're authentic!

Why the fuck does this matter so much?

You know. What is it with this dude.

If it was a snake, it would've bit ya.

It was a snake. And it did bite me.

He's so increasingly beautiful to me,

And I'm still in love with his friend,

or misrepresented masterpiece,

Progression of a monster,

or procession of a superstar, but

Something in the story sparks the thought of

All we are is consciousness, of course

Awkward in body, but of constellations

Cosmos, It's not just a corpse;

It's all got love in it,

Absurd, and sipping carbonated syrup, but

I'm just sitting in my stirrups,

Here comes galloping a horse,

Of course, it hurts to turn it off

For just a moment

And remember

That i'm just a homeless,

Stuck and sitting up at night

Writing recourse, hugging learning curves in ableton,

Curving curses, been reminded that I'm worthless

In a thousand words or less,

Or just another form of torture,

Nothing said, but all that's done

Another day another dollar,

But it's not

It's Jimmy Fallon.

I thought this was enter the multiverse.

Are you ready to go.

No.

A hand on my shoulder

So paifully socially awkward,

I grow stretchmarks, don't know what to call them

But scars,

But the uglier ones,

I've thought

Are invisible,

Somewhat–

To the naked eye

Or just anyone

Not tiger stripes

But one, an eye of horus

Carved above my right

And inside my lip,

(The bottom one)

A raised scar in the shape of a sythe

I probably died by the hands of a man named Starr

So it's hard to shrug it off,

And 555 is just a number

But it's not

It's another scar,

It's a punishment

For loving him.

What's on the back.

It's…a number.

What number?

A telephone number.

What.

Like a 1-800 Number

Call it.

I love deadmau5.

Something about a big, giant smiling robotic mouse that lights up and sparkles.

Why?

I don't know. I'm like 5.

I see deadmau5 i'm like

“WHEEEEEEE”

My hands go up in the air

“AHHHHHH! YAYYYYY”

I'm so stupid.

It's so stupid.

But you know what?

It makes me feel good.

I'm not gonna lie.

I love it.

And by the time I even figured out what deadmau5 was I was so late to the party that I had to make up for lost time.

I listened to deadmau5 doing EvErYThING.

Everything you could possibly imagine.

Well–Except one.

Wait, how long have you been cellibate?

Forever, probably.

Fuck, what happened in here?

I don't know.

Everything's broken.

My head

My heart.

Everything.

Get up, Dillon Francis.

Fuck, what happened.

You sent us through a black hole. And we crashed on a random ass planet.

Fuck, that sucks.

YOu suck, Dillon Francis.

Ugh.

Now get up. Everything's fucked up.

SUPERSTAR DJ

I'm a paradox.

I've got a box of skeletons in my closet i'm not ready to part with.

I had a heart attack;

I had a heart once,

But lately it goes in my pocket;

Or my right hand,

When I wake up

From a dream land,

From a long hug

From a nice man

In a t-shirt

KASKADE

This is God's PLAN.

RYAN, GET FUCKED.

800-799-7233

Did you call the number.

Yeah.

What is it.

[National Domestic Violence Hotline]

Woah.

That was a long bonus scene.

Well, Now here's a PSA.

AND A PSA?

YES. A PSA.

You know what the fucked up thing about all this is,

The Legend of Supacree is a true story.

All of it.

ALL OF IT?!

ALL OF IT!?

YES.

Even the part about–

YES.

Especially that part.

Woah.

Damn.

I think i'm gonna be sick.

Shut up, Dillon Francis.

No, but seriously–

This is the story of how I got my heart broken so bad.

YOU RUINED IT.

So, so bad–

I HATE YOU.

That i started singing about it.

NSA, totally *not spying*

…are you hearing this.

Yes.

ILLUMINATI

Check this out.

Another one down.

And how when you start making music–

What is this.

it's hoe math.

And that music actually comes from a really real place.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.

really real shit starts happening.

You–killed yourself.

well , to be fair–I lost everything first.

Congratulations.

Thx.

Here's a skrillex.

WHT.

Kbye.

Really, really, really.

What, the fuck Dillon Francis, crawled inside of you to live and made it'self at home?

Idon'tknow.

What is in this sauce?

Just–kill him.

What, i can't just.

Just kill him, while nobody is watching.

Please don't kill me.

Shut up, man. I'm having a thought process.

Okay, that's it. FUCK DILLON FRANCIS.

That's the spirit.

THAT IS THE SPIRIT. IT'S THE HOLY SPIRIT.

Who the fuck is this.

It's–Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ?!

JESUS CHRIST

i'M BACK, MOTHERFUCKER.

Wait, are you claiming that the second coming of the messiah is upon us?!

YES.

Well,Technically, it's the third.

And it's all because of Dillon Francis?!

I

Please stop this

HATE

Help

YOU.

Fuck, dude.

I know, huh.

What did he DO.

The third?!

How did we miss that?!

Uh, you didn't.

[HITLER, being HITLER]

(he was mad)

Okay, that's it.

You can't write any of this.

Uh, I can.

I just did.

Technically, I'm dead: this is just a voiceover

It's an 80's style PSA

You can't say Hitler was the messiah.

That's offensive.

Everything is offensive.

FUCK YOU DILLON.

I'msosorry

NOTYETYOU'RENOT.

Wait, whatever happened to Skrillex.

SKRILLEX is waiting outside of the alleged home of SUPACREE's “distant relatives”

Lol is he for real at her mom's house.

well , to be fair, he's like–looked everywhere else.

Ur right. That was a lot of dimensions.

So. like.

Fuck, i didn't even have that much coffee.

It just goes on forever.

[DILLON FRANCIS STILL HAS HOTSAUCE IN HIS PUDGY LITTLE EYES]

Good. Cause if I see the pupils, i'm wasting him.

You think you can do better than this.

Better than this?

Yes.

Yes.

Then do it.

Alright, is the PSA over?

No, not yet. I gotta say one more thing.

What is it?

Would you ever have done it,

Or would you ever be honest

If you had,

Handed her a lesson,

Or a stretch of the past

From the present moment,

My heart, and my mind

And my lover

I present you this honor

From now on

to nowhere

I no longer…

Want to be near you

Or to know you

Or to hear you

Or to fear you

No longer…

Want to feel you

Or to touch you

Or to have you

Or to hold you

Or to love you

No longer,

I no longer want you

Devastating,

A song stuck in my head for a whole world

I wonder how long it would take to go back there

A room full of actors,

A manager,

Never a backpack to wear

Just a handful of hats,

One director,

Eventually producer

Just now a showrunner

Look at how long that took.

I had to wonder what auroras in the north thought of someone like Sonny.

They showed me.

Now I can love you no longer

So much for getting acquainted

Funny what age equates to in ageless

An infinite wisdom,

I dismissed him,

Nor, would I believe that he ever would hit her, but

Some might belong in such a category

Though i carry the marks and the scars

Of what my once- husband did to me

–but no longer.

I haven't a heart in the world left

But a broken one, made of amethyst.

Fuck off, Dillon Francis.

A calculated attack on my psyche.

I like it a lot,

But i'm fonder of sodom.

WHAT. Are you saying you woul actually participate in an orgy!

Oh GOD no!

Oh, Good, cause–

But i'd host one.

WHAT.

The hedonists are a fun bunch.

Oh my God.

Though, Nowadays, of course, I haven't the slightest idea what to call them.

I saw the future.

Well, obviously, if you've headlined EDC you've seen the future.

I remember all of it.

That must be awful.

Why don't you remember it?

Because i don't want to.

Not at all.

I did once.

Then what happened?

I hated it so much, i forgot.

You forgot on purpose.

I had to.

Love, or Music.

…Music.

Love, or Fame.

Fame.

Okay, ouch.

Love, or Music?

…Love.

Okay. Love, or Fame.

Love.

Okay.

Love, or music?

… Isn't that the same thing?

Hm.

Love, or Fame?

….Why do you keep asking me the same question.

I beg your pardon?

Why beg?

I mean–

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Well, first you asked me,

If would rather have

Love or Music.

Love.

Music.

Yes.

In my mind, those are synonyms.

Neither can really exist without the other.

Okay, and Fame.

Love and Fame are also synonyms–

How so?

Ugh, I just made this difficult on myself.

It was always difficult.

It really wasn't.

{Enter The Multiverse}

[The Festival Project.™]

COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2023

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ©

-U.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS CHRISTMAS?!

BEcause, you're in a movie.

WHAT.

You're stuck in a Hollywood movie.

The Master Sorcerer

Of the Grand Illusion

You just want it so bad

You don't know what you're in for

Inquenchable Thirst for knowledge

Insatiable Sexual Appetite

Yo

My horizontal monster wants ya

Could revert to vert, but lets keep

Our options open

Covert,

__

My heart is broken

No window open

Who left the draft in

–motherfucker

My heart is broken

I need a lover

I need a lover

Some one to hug me

I need a hug, but

And–

I'm not fit to touch

The hem of your garment

The tip of your dick

or fit enough to be your girlfriend

I guess i'll just have to live with that

When I have an itch,

I scratch it myself

I made the assumption you can't,

And moved passed it

But something's been calling me out, from the past

Something's been calling me back to the magic

I can't get around that

Do you hate me?

I can see that

I'll just make my way back to the beginning

Though I'm envious

And i pity her,

The both of you really

There's nothing left between us except

Insanity//Infinity

Kendrick Style Flow

Don't key my car:

You'll be callin collect!

I got rearview mirrors in the back of my head

Don't get up right now, son–

Go back to bed

I got kids all over,

be pulling my leg!

Luke, I am your Father!

Oh My

Oh My God

On top of the Watchlist

You make money off dope;

I made it on craigslist

Still be sniffin that coke

But now i'm on A list

I'm the greatest

Ey Miss!

I missed too many calls

(Airplane Mode)

I just started my day

(Whole Workload)

I might need a buffet

(Like Whole Foods)

Sashe, Pas De Bourre

(That's a code word)

No dance floor?
Now you're done for

My forte

Four-to-the-floor

Hardcore

I drop bass on the encore

Front row won't go

But i'm already out the front door

You don't know

I just hopped inside the helicopter,

or chopper, chopped broccoli in my cup

That's supper;

Sleep/ Wake then

Surf's up

In the morning

When i got there

(Coastal show,

Shower,

Then another club

Encore

Front row lined up

I'm already at the front door

They want more

I'm too sore, for sure

Off subject,

I dropped in

Harder than Paulie

On my surfboard

(Another code word)

This is my world:

Another club,

Then I'm off for a monday

Or somethin'

Write another song

At the buffet

–Tales of a Superstar DJ

Amen.

Fuck! I didn't even get to watch desperate housewives!

Don't fuck with her! She's a trained assassin!

GET ON THE GROUND.

NO!

GET ON THE GROUND– OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!

SO?

IF I SHOOT YOU, YOU WILL DIE.

OK?

“OK”? YOU WILL DIE.

YEAH, AND?

Kind of frustrating hunting down somebody who already has a deathwish.

What do you do with someone who has no fear of death.

Give them life.

I'm telling you, we probably shouldn't be doing this.

*shrugs*

You split yourselves into two entirely separate individuals at once, just so you could see whose dick is longer?

Technically, three entirely separate individuals.

THIS ISN'T FAIR.

Do you ever think?

Sometimes, but it's usually pretty gross.

I mean about the implications of these things!

You are the implications of these things! I split my soul ONE time into 8 BILLION or so individuals, before this even had happened.

WOAH, WHAT HAPPENED.

I'm giving you planetary confinement.

What.

You–can stay here. On this planet.

No.

It's racist–and primitive.

No–

And you're black.

Please–

I'm leaving.

–don't–

–and i'm taking your portal gun with me.

YOU PUT A PORTAL ON MY FACE?!

Genius.

Incredible.

I didn't think it would be a big deal.

He has two!

Okay, time for work.

But i didn't even sl–

Coffee.

Ouh.

…

…

—

I don't think we should be doing this

TIA

We probably shouldn't.

TAMERA

We very much shouldn't.

What are you guys doing.

Nothing.

SHh.

Summoning the devil.

It's not the devil.

It might be.

Hush.

Is that a pentagram.

Technically it's a star, with a circle around it.

That's a pentagram.

It's not a pentagram!

Is that a ouiji board?

NO.

Yes.

Let me see.

Ugh!

I wanna help.

MEANWHILE.

MORGAN FREEMAN enters an empty train car:

Oh God, This.

Yes it is!

What!? Are you dead!

Entirely empty, that is–besides SUPACREE.

No, you are!

Great, so you're dead!

I'm–not dead.

Is Bob Saget with you?

I'm not DEAD.

What about Fraiser?

What?

Kelsey Grammer!

God rest his soul.

SEE!

I'm not dead–

[beat, an eerie shadowy silence in the dimly lit traincar]

I'm a Legend.

What.

I wrote that/

You wrote that.

What.

Ugh. Look. Morgan Freeman.

[Morgan Freeman]

I–am–like a paranoid schizophrenic, or something–

So, who isn't?!

It might be catatonic, I don't know–I got this whole dead-hand–thing–going on.

What is that?

I don't know. It might just be too much deadmau5.

I don't understand.

No, Morgan Freeman. I don't understand. Anything about this life. Or this world.

The fourth dimension.

I definitely don't know anything about that.

You're in it.

Whatever. Look.

[Morgan Freeman]

God, you have so many freckles.

[Morgan Freeman]

Look. I got problems.

We all do!

Nah, not like–Hollywood problems, I'm like, a real psycho and shit.

Sounds like Hollywood.

Everything sounds like Hollywood–because nothing is real anymore–everything is for the gram, the points don't matter–nothing actyally matters. At all.

Oh?

Oh.

The train comes to a sudden halt, the lights dim theatrically.

Not even this?

[pause]

He holds out a strange object; a golden necklace, which begins to change in appearance–morphing between a medallion, as seen throughout the seasons, and into other integral objects from throughout the series; a small golden pinata;

You know who gave it to me?

…Who?

Got ya.

He holds out a strange object; a golden necklace, which begins to change in appearance–morphing between a medallion, as seen throughout the seasons, and into other integral objects from throughout the series; a small golde pinata ;

Fuck dude, i'm too tired to write this.

But you kind of have to.

I mean i don't have to.

YOU HAVE TO.

I–WHAT?

YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

WHY.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE I DON'T EVEN EXIST;

Then don't exist…

I'M JUST A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IN YOUR SHOW.

Come on Drew, knock it off.

Wait, is this Drew Carey, or Barrymore.

Either or. That's why I didn't write the characters name.

Well, which is it?

It literally doesn't matter.

Yes it does.

Honestly?! It could be both! We just shoot it with both and keep whichever one we like better!

But how do we know which is actually “better?”

Just do it and mix it–cut it up together or something–I don't know! Cut takes! Cut Takes!

Ooh, did someone say CUPCAKES.

Don't mind if i DO.

Well, I do!

Why?! What's wrong?!

Yeah! What's the big deal!

I'm on a gluten free-thing

Oh yeah?

Keto. Or someshit. I don't know.

Oh.

Oh.

So you don't want these

No, I don't.

And you wouldn't mind if I–

Come on, man.

So Good.

Grow up.

Hey man, i'm pushin 40.

Well, I pushed 40–and it pushed back. Get your cupcakes out of my face.

You're no fun.

Hey! Aren't you that one guy from rick and morty.

Formerly.

Oh yeah! That's right! You were Rick AND Morty.

Hence the name.

Wow.

Phewf. I heard about that.

Yeah, me too.

Sounds real bad, how that turned out.

Such a shame.

Speaking of shame–

You're speaking, I'm snacking.

That's not that clever.

We'll work on it The point is, he's eating the cupcakes.

That's not–wait a minute–hold on.

What now?

How are we ever gonna get these three guys in a room together.

[Meanwhile, in another dimension–these three are tied up (read: bound and gagged) in a room together.

–Let alone to agree to this!?

SUPACREE removes the gag from the man's [JOSH PECK'S] mouth.

I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS.

That's what she said!

Hey! That's not fair! I was never caught up in a scandal!

The key word, I believe, is “never caught”

That's two words!

SHUTTHEFUCKUP. How many words is that?

I WANT MY LAWYER!!!!

For what? This isn't court. Wouldn't you want the police first?

WELL THEN, I WANT THE POLICE.

The Police are here.

Wait, they are?

Oh, thank God

Not so fast.

THE POLICE enter with full entourage.

Introducing: The Police–playing their number one greatest smash hit!

Groupies: Woooo!

STING

I hope you ladies bought the meet-and-greet package, if you know what I mean. *winks awkwardly* You know what I mean.

Oh my God.

Since you dudes love doing creepy dude shit, I brought some more notoriously creepy dudes to sing the literally creepiest song ever written about being a creepy dude.

That's not fair.

But it's funny.

THE POLICE Begin to play ‘I'll be Watching You”

–and they're gonna play it on loop until I get back with your other-dimensional selves so we can fix all this.

“WE”

“FIX ALL THIS”

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Nobody seems to know.

“--I'll be watching you–”

I was FRAMED.

CUT TO

a golden pocket watch, a wrist watch, a compass–it changes and morphs so quickly that it begins to seem to spin time itself into a whirlwind, until finally a portal opens up from within his hand–a portal which quickly devours him entirely, morphing him into

Fuck, what the fuck happened after that

Idk I got off the train I guess

This is really terribly written

INT. SAM ASH MANHATTAN. DAY.