Leaning Toward Wisdom

Why is it so hard to change your life?

Because it's hard to change your mind. 

This year I've devoted a lot of time reading and thinking about how we change our minds. Specifically about how we change our thinking to see things more clearly and accurately.

The quest began a few years ago, likely motivated by where I'm at in life. Four years ago I sat down to really figure out what I wanted to do professionally. I had stumbled into executive coaching, focused mostly on leadership. Namely, the skills required to become effective in serving others to be their best.

It was becoming the most rewarding work of my life, made possible only because I had spent my entire life operating in the real world. I had spent many years operating businesses and leading people. My leadership wasn't always perfect, or even ideal. But I was always devoted to being better.

I was also devoted to serving the people under my employ, obligated to do what might best help them perform at high levels. Sometimes I succeeded. Other times I failed. A few times miserably.

My intentions were always good. Through the years I had fully devoted myself to the study and practice of leadership. Now, as a mature and experienced businessman, I was pleased and proud to devote myself to helping others. Some were like me, mature and experienced. Others were emerging leaders, many just starting their own leadership journey.

Men. Women. Experienced. Inexperienced. All of us plagued with a common challenge - how to improve (change) our lives professionally. But I quickly discovered with every client engagement it was never limited to professional. Our lives don't happen as cleanly as we'd like to think. It's not like we can remove our personal life hat when we walk into the office. Or like we can remove our professional life hat when we walk into our homes.

It's hard to let go of the past.

How we see ourselves determines our present. And our future. That's why change is so hard. Because it means we let go of the past. Easier said than done.

The present, determined by our past, often determines our happiness. Call it contentment or satisfaction if you prefer. I do. Because happiness is just too temporary and largely fueled by our emotions. That's why I can be happy one moment, sad the next. It's why I can ride the same roller coaster you do, soaring to happiness, then spiraling down to sadness and despair.

Contentment and satisfaction are longer-term sensations. Within the context of those, I can ride that roller coaster, while still truthfully feeling contentment or satisfaction. Or while feeling discontentment and dissatisfaction.

How dissatisfied are you?

True confession: I'm often dissatisfied. With myself. With my accomplishments. While simultaneously being completely satisfied and contented. I can hold both at the same time because of one big element, gratitude. Thankfulness!

Only an ingrate could fully embrace complete dissatisfaction. Which may prove that we're often surrounded by ungrateful people who live miserably. How can a person be grateful and miserable at the same time?

This isn't about complaining. Fact is, it's the opposite of complaining. But first, let's consider how miserable, complaining people CAN be in love with their lives. Got anybody around you like that? I do.

People who embrace drama and attention because of the constant issues in their life that you just must know all about. Because they're going to tell you.

Center of the universe syndrome.

But it's not really a syndrome as much as it's a self-obsession I think. People so consumed with their own lives they can't even see the lives of anybody else.

Takers.

Yet people who thrive on it all. The complaining. The suffering.

I was reading this website about the various generations. The article is entitled, GENERATIONS X, Y, Z, AND THE OTHERS. I read it mostly so I could better understand the dates assigned to the various generations. I was prompted to dive more deeply into understanding the timelines because it determines the context.

Telling you that I was born in 1957 doesn't make me any better than my son who was born in 1980. It doesn't make me lesser or greater than my first grandchild born in 2007. Or my last one born in 2015. Each of us experiencing life in a different way.

When I hit my mid-fifties I had an epiphany. And you know I am just a man in search of an epiphany!

It was simply this. I've never been better! Perhaps never more undervalued either. This wasn't a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Or complaining. It was during a conversation with somebody 20 years younger than me who was lamenting his lot in life. He was complaining and fully embracing victim mode. I was trying to help him see things more clearly, and to understand that no matter what had happened to him - or what was currently happening to him - that he could do something positive with it.

According to the research firm that posted the article, I'm part of the Boomers II or Generation Jones. Here's what the article about us...

This first post-Watergate generation lost much of its trust in government and

optimistic views the Boomers I maintained. Economic struggles including the oil

embargo of 1979 reinforced a sense of “I’m out for me” and narcissism and

a focus on self-help and skepticism over media and institutions is

representative of attitudes of this cohort. While Boomers I had Vietnam, Boomers

II had AIDS as part of their rites of passage. The youngest members of the

Boomer II generation in fact did not have the benefits of the Boomer I class as

many of the best jobs, opportunities, housing etc. were taken by the larger and

earlier group. Both Gen X and Boomer II s suffer from this long shadow cast by

Boomers I.

It's not right or wrong. It just is the context of the timeline of our lives. The timeline of our generation.

I was 40 by 1997 when the Internet was commonplace and usage was becoming more widespread. That means I had zero public presence during the days when most people start their digital footprint. And boy am I thankful. :D

It also means that I had a solid 24 years of business experience before I ever wrote and published a "journal" entry. In 1997 we called them journals and what we did was called "journaling." Later, it would become blogging on blogs. And that first audio file I put up online in 1997 wasn't a podcast, but it was an audio journal. So it began.

I'm not romantic or sentimental about my timeline. It's just my reality. And I'm aware that it impacts my perspective.

When my career began there was no caller ID. Our home phone rang and we answered it. I used to sell Code-A-Phone machines (a brand name), those tape driven devices that would answer our phone while we were away so people could leave us a message. Fax machines didn't yet exist. Cable TV was just arriving. Big screen TV's hadn't yet been invented. TV's were mostly sold by Magnavox or RCA dealers. We listened to music on vinyl records. Our cars mostly had AM only radios. If we wanted any stereo sound in our cars, it was provided by installing an overmarket 8-track deck with stereo speakers.

In 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated. I was in Mrs. Arnold's first-grade class at Hayes Elementary School in Ada, Oklahoma. Our classroom was on the third floor (counting the basement) overlooking the front of the school where the flagpole was. We watched as the flag was lowered to half-staff. See if you can find me in the picture. #FindRandy

My first girlfriend was smart. It would begin a trend. Mostly being attracted to smart girls. Even in first grade, I could tell who was smart and who wasn't. I never felt smart except in one area - people. I always had a knack for spotting and knowing the smart people. But not the brainiacs. The smart people who were also like me, people smart. As I grew older I realized it was an endangered species. Our numbers appeared to be dwindling.

Nobody knows everything. That includes people who smash your hope with doubt. And people who fuel your excuses by feeling sorry for you. And everybody in between.

I'm jotting down a few notes for today's show while listening to Mark Knopfler's new record, Down The Road Wherever. I can highly recommend it. Fact is, I can highly recommend anything he puts out. I envy his talent.

I once aspired to be creative. Whether in music. Or cartooning. Or in writing. I always wanted to pursue such things, but I was too practical to let the thoughts loiter around too long. So I wound up in business. Selling things. Serving customers. Pursuing business growth rather than something more soothing or joyful to my soul.

Nobody knows everything. That includes me when I'm willing to smash my own hopes with doubt.

I set about as a young man to pursue wisdom. Others can judge whether I chased it with enough vigor to catch it. But I'm still running hard. These days, mostly breathless, but still pursuing.

The road isn't always clear. Much of the time it's densely fogged over, creating doubts that you're even between the lines - much less on the road to where you want to go. And if you're life is like mine, some days you're not really clear on where you want to go. You're just pleased to feel like you're still on the pavement, and not veering into the ditch.

Nobody knows everything. We're all working to figure it out. Give yourself and those around you a break, the license to be wrong.

"Tomorrow will be better." I grew up hearing folks say that a lot. Eventually, I found myself saying it quite a lot, too. Too much perhaps.

But it's at the heart of hope. And hope is at the heart of today's theme - nobody knows everything, including anybody or anything that would rob you of hope. I also know it's at the heart of discontentment, too. Hopefully in a good way though. A way where you realize you've not arrived. Full well knowing you never will arrive so you may as well enjoy the journey. And whatever scenery you pass. That is if you can look up from your phone long enough to look out the window of life's journey.

Nobody knows everything. Nobody sees everything. Nobody understands 100% of the context of your life and what you're chasing. News flash: you don't fully understand their story either. But we often think we do. 

Okay, let me pick up the pace. And insert some positive energy because I know you're thinking - "Man, what a downer today!" No, not at all. So brace yourself. Hold on. Make sure your seatbelt is tightly fastened. I'm going to make a really hard left turn but trust the suspension. It's gonna hold. And I know what I'm doing.

Life may not always turn out as we hope, but it can turn out as we need if we'll devote ourselves to wisdom. It's not a matter of what should have been, or what could have been, but what must be for us to grow, improve and transform into a better version of ourselves. Hopefully on the route to becoming the best version of ourselves.

Only hope remains...hope that indeed we can lean toward wisdom and make wise choices, decisions and behave in ways that will lead us the best life worth living. But it's not merely hope. It's practical. And real. If we make it so!

You make the difference. Or you make excuses.

I know you heard the show title today and had instant thoughts.

My life gets disrupted often. It's not fun in the moment. But it's profitable. Even minutes later.

Disruption is defined as "disturbance or problems that interrupt an event, activity, or process." In my case, the event, activity or process is my life!

Everybody wants traction. In a relationship. In a career. In business. In every endeavor, we want to get traction as quickly as we can. To stick with the metaphor, we don't want to spin our wheels. We want to get going and move forward. Preferably fast.

Traction is friction, but it's the kind of friction we want and need for progress.

There's another kind of friction that inhibits us. Stalls us. Sticks us. It's the friction that foils our success. There's all kind of friction. Much of it in our head, which can bring about physical friction. Both of them are very real.

Let's talk about it. Better yet, let's think soberly about it...then take some action to move forward.

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I heard somebody bragging about his leadership,

"I don't expect anything of anybody."

Well, that grabbed my attention. That illustration of a progress bar reaching 39 out of 100 displays our anticipation and expectation that we'll get to 100. No matter if we're charging our iPhones, or waiting for a software update to download, or for somebody in our life to do what they say they'll do.

Anticipation is part of expectations. But only part.

The fulfilling potential is another part of expectations. 100 in that progress bar represents full potential. When our phone battery is 99% charged, we wait a few minutes expecting our battery to reach full capacity. 100% fully charged.

Pick a goal.

Figure out a process.

Grind it out.

Keep going.

Don't quit.

Frequently I harken back to a story told by author Tom Rath in his book, Vital Friends. Find out more about him at his website, TomRath.org. I'm a big, big fan of his work.

Let's talk about expectations, disappointment, and our relationships.

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Let's go outside and enjoy the summer heat, shall we? A change of scenery is sometimes a good thing. Today's show was recorded on my deck, not inside The Yellow Studio.

Epiphany (defined): note - this is the 3rd definition and the one I refer to, as opposed to folks who use it in a religious sense

a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something

(2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking

(3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure

b : a revealing scene or moment

Sometime in 2015, I experienced one, professionally. But it definitely had very personal overtones. It impacted all facets of my professional desires. Over time I shoved all my professional chips into the middle of the table to enter a space previously foreign to me. Bold. Big. Scary. Very scary.

I want to encourage you, urge you to get in touch with who you are, and what you are. Then bet the proverbial farm on it. Fear can cripple the effort. Don't let it.

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Rosanne Barr got stupid. Again. And the people lost their minds over it. ABC canceled her TV show, which was drawing millions of viewers each week.

A Philly Starbucks called cops on two men. And people lost their minds. Yesterday Starbucks closed for company-wide training, losing $12 million.

The NFL and the national anthem continue to be in the news. And people are still losing their minds about it.

A video shows a cop being rough with a teenager. And people go ballistic.

A sportscaster doesn't pander to his college alma mater on the air. People go nuts and he's forced to move his family. To another town.

Just today, there's this. A story from The Telegraph about people who wear reading glasses.

Researchers at the University of Edinburgh analysed the genetic data of more than 44,480 people.

They found that, overall, those who were more intelligent were nearly 30 per cent more likely to have genes indicating they require reading glasses than those who scored poorly.

This is sure to cause riots among non-reading glass wearers who will likely feel bullied, assaulted, victimized by the researchers.

Chris Long, the Philadelphia Eagles player, posted a tweet a few days ago that got some hockey folks riled up.

I'm a serious hockey fan. I'm also a serious unfan of the NBA. But I'm also fond of Chris Long.

I wasn't offended. Suppose the guy hates hockey and loves basketball. And that affects me how? And I would want to care because...?

The Internet was filled with people who took offense to Long's tweet, not knowing one thing about what was really happening. Namely, that Chris Long was provoking people knowing full well that hockey players and the NHL is a tough game. It was a joke. And the joke was on the overly sensitive nimrods who reacted. You can read more about it all here. Or just do what many people do. Jump to a conclusion that suits you.

It just goes on. And on. And on. And on.

Right is right. Always.

Wrong is wrong. Always.

The problem is we've lost our way. We'd rather jump to conclusions with our knee-jerk reactions so we can harshly judge somebody. Empathy? Who's got time for it? We're too busy shouting ugly names at people. Calling people out.

Just about every network seems to have some late night funny person who drones on and on about the government, the White House, the President, or some celebrity who made a foolish move. The sheer number of these shows and the fact they remain on the air proves to me that somebody is watching. Networks are willing to pay these folks for doing what they do because it's profitable. Which means people tune in. I may be the odd man out because I don't find very many of them entertaining at all. For me, they're the canaries in the coal mine of our culture's lust for crushing people so we can feel better about ourselves.

When I was a kid playing football piling on was a penalty. Later it became known as a late hit. But we'd raze the guy who piled on. The person who wasn't in the play, but wanted to get in on it anyway. That's what all this behavior reminds me of. Folks who aren't involved, but want to be involved. I wonder how much of that is happening. How many people are barking and howling at the moon of foolishness from the behavior of others just so they can get in on the action? And for what reason? So they'll appear as more righteous? More morally upright?

If a harsh judgment of foolish or poor behavior was the only thing needed for wisdom, then we'd all be as wise as Solomon. Even Solomon veered away from God and in the end, he realized what was important. Reviling in his own bad choices, or the bad choices of others wasn't the conclusion he reached. You can read his conclusion in Ecclesiastes 12:13, 14.

“I’m one fat lip from the championship,

So don’t give up the fight,

And whatever it takes,

I’m going to make everything alright…”

– from “Whatever It Takes” by James Hunter

Back in February a new James Hunter Six record came out, "Whatever It Takes." The title track had a lyric in the fourth verse that immediately grabbed me. It's an old-school R&B sound. Magical.



Right away, under the old format of this show, I began crafting a draft for this show. Over the past months, I've come at this thing from more angles than a junior high math class protractor.

So many ideas were prompted by that first line - "I'm one fat lip from the championship." Adversity. Perseverance. Victory.

Adversity. Perseverance. Victory.

Those 3 continued to play on the endless loop in my head. And in that order. I focused on that first one because it's the only universal one - adversity. We all face it.

But we don't all exhibit perseverance. Which means we don't all experience victory.

Whatever it takes. It's a line we may have said often. Maybe we said it to ourselves, about ourselves. Or maybe we said it to somebody else. It's one of those great sounding lines we deploy when we're looking for inspiration. Of course, like so many wise sounding themes, if you dig too deeply you realize how untrue these kinds of things can be. Whatever it takes? Really? What if it means sacrificing your marriage? Your kids? Your convictions? Will you really do WHATEVER it takes? I hope not.

Victory does have a price tag. Part of the problem is it never tells you how much it'll cost. You have to find out for yourself.

Along the way, you may discover the cost is too high. And you may jettison the fight. Or...

You may figure out as the cost goes up, that you'll call or even double down. Or fold.

It's up to you. We each have the power and ability to decide if the price is too high. But that decision doesn't always appear so rational. Many of us pay prices that are too high given the reward. Others of us don't pay enough of a price because we may not see the truly high value of the payoff.

It's Free Form Friday here inside The Yellow Studio. I've been noodling this idea since I first heard that song. And that lyric.

Happy Friday!

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I admit it. Young adults are among my very favorite people. These two young ladies in this picture are among my favorite people. They know it, too. Because I've told them. And I continue to tell them. This was the final year of undergraduate studies for one of them (yeah, you guessed it --- the one in the cap and gown who graduated on Friday). This was the freshman year for the other one. Both of them attend the church where I serve. Sure, that makes them important to me, but that doesn't have anything to do with how likable they are to me.

It's graduation season. And I'm reminded of all the young adults who are somewhere on the journey toward creating the life they want. For some, like these two...that means higher education. For others, it means entering the workplace to figure out what they may want to do. For others, it may mean taking time to travel and venture out into the world to experience different countries and cultures.

Two words loom large for me (and have for the past 20 years or so): Legacy. Significance.

It was the genesis of this podcast. Nothing has changed. If anything, it's just intensified.

Passing it on has been a preoccupation. I don't feel any responsibility to tell anybody how to live necessarily. But I do feel confident to help show younger adults the pitfalls they may face. In the last few years, most of the focus has really been helping them navigate their own self-awareness. I find myself steadily offering insights on things they can do...things I wish somebody would have shared with me.

How We Got Here

Wherever you're at in life. Age-wise. Financially. Relationship-wise. Any other way you'd like to gauge it. Consider where you are right now. And when I ask how you got here I don't mean in all the little details. Mostly, I mean in the bigger issues. Important factors like influence. Viewpoints. Philosophies. Standards. How did you develop those? Who influenced the development of those?

Me? I got here because of people who had a big impact on me as a little boy. I got here because of some old men in my life. And a few old ladies, too. I got here because of parents. The short answer is, I got here because of the people who influenced me. The things they taught me. The warnings they gave me. The fear they instilled in me. It all mattered.

Something happens when you get old. Define old any way you'd like, but for me...old is when you've got more past than future. I know we can't know our exact lifespan, but we've got some expectation. Hopefully, a reasonable expectation. Do I have 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? I don't know. But I know how many decades are behind me and it's impossible that I'll have that many years ahead of me. So there. I'm old. And I'm good with it. ;)

What I'm not good with is neglecting to pass on what I've learned. It doesn't mean I'm telling these young ladies, or anybody else in my life, how to live. Or what to do. It means I'm sharing experiences and insights. They can do with them what they will. Kick them to the curb. Take them in and apply them. Be bored by them. Or be entertained by them. Or all of the above. I respect whatever they choose to do with them. And that's not hard because they give me the one thing that triggers me - TRUST.

Because our trust is mutual, we listen to each other. Because I'm old, but vividly remember being young - and because I'm completely empathetic to young people and their challenges. I don't hold them accountable to how life was when I was young. These two young ladies have never lived in a pre-Internet world. Or pre-cell phone world. Their viewpoint is very different and I understand that. They know I understand it.

Nor am I romantic about the past. While I'm grateful to have been born in a time where I could see all the changes that have happened,

Music. Movies. Books.

Songs. Stories.

We love them. Enjoy them. Remember them.

I'm not a fan of the musical, but there are 2 that I love - and have owned on DVD for years. Paint Your Wagon with Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum with Zero Mostel and Phil Silvers. Both are funny. Both make me smile. That makes them memorable for me.

Music is a much bigger player in my life. Lyrics and harmonies are the focal points for me. Songwriters have long exclaimed that most songs are about some sort of love. Often about lost love. Heartbreak and heartache. But these are audience consumables. We're watching a movie. Listening to a song. Reading a book. Reaching a big audience doesn't always rely on relatability, as evidenced by this past weekend with the release of the movie, Avengers: Infinity War. The film was produced for about $320 million and this past weekend - that's right WEEKEND - it grossed over $640 million. I've not seen it, but I know it's about superheroes. I don't know any superheroes so I know it's not relatable like that, but clearly millions of people love the fictional stories of superheroes.

We're being entertained. And it's fine. Better than fine really because I suppose it gives us the break from reality that helps us cope better with ours. All in moderation of course.

But then there are more personal stories shared by others that really impact us. Not like the temporary smiles provided by a movie like Support Your Local Gunfighter with James Garner (another favorite of mine). I even use it as my Twitter and Facebook header image because it makes me smile. I'm talking about something deeper. More impactful. Longer lasting. A real connection.

There's a guy I follow named Bryan Elliott. He produces a web series, Behind The Brand. I don't know Bryan personally, but I like him. He's earned my attention. Back in February, he posted a little segment of a longer interview he did with Seth Godin. It's about 9 minutes and it perfectly illustrates the title of today's episode. You need to watch it.



Bryan tells Seth that during their first interview back in 2009 Seth gave him the best advice. Seth didn't remember giving it to him, but it was pretty good stuff.

Bryan shared the story of his pain as an adopted boy. Grateful and thankful for the family who adopted him and loved him, Bryan grew up with the urge to find his real mother. He had questions and was desperate for answers. It's a very touching story best heard directly from Bryan. So go watch the video of him telling it. I promise you'll be moved. It just might make you a fan, even if you've never heard of him before.

Why?

Because you can't hear him, or watch him and avoid thinking, "He's real. I can relate."

I'm not adopted. I know my parents. I knew my grandparents. But back in February when I first watched the interview Bryan did with Seth, I was moved by his story. Yes, I was already following him, but the connection grew deeper for me. Bryan showed me something I hadn't seen before. He opened himself up and became vulnerable.

It's all this hard stuff - our pain, our suffering, our heartache - that forges strong connections. I say hard stuff because it's hard for people to share all that. We're prone to hide. To make sure we look good. And sound good. Proving to the world, and fooling ourselves, that we've got it all together. But we don't. Deep down we all know it, but there's just enough doubt to make us think, "I'm such a failure. Look at them!"

What we care about. That's the deal. Self-preservation. Putting on the front so others think well of us. It's inside most of us. Society has conditioned us. We've spent years looking at people who seem better, smarter, better looking, more talented,