Leaning Toward Wisdom

On April 21, 2018 former first lady Barbara Bush was laid to rest. She was 92, the wife of our 41st President and the mother of our 43rd. Two former Presidents, Barbara's son, George W. and Obama shook hands with the clear aim being the consolation at the death of a mom. The photo dispells the very title of today's show - the death of empathy. But not really.

Empathy, as a widespread, viral-like experience may not be dead, but she's on life-support. Greater Good Magazine, produced by the University of California at Berkley, defines empathy like this...

The term “empathy” is used to describe a wide range of experiences. Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.

Contemporary researchers often differentiate between two types of empathy: “Affective empathy” refers to the sensations and feelings we get in response to others’ emotions; this can include mirroring what that person is feeling, or just feeling stressed when we detect another’s fear or anxiety. “Cognitive empathy,” sometimes called “perspective taking,” refers to our ability to identify and understand other peoples’ emotions. Studies suggest that people with autism spectrum disorders have a hard time empathizing.

Empathy seems to have deep roots in our brains and bodies, and in our evolutionary history. Elementary forms of empathy have been observed in our primate relatives, in dogs, and even in rats. Empathy has been associated with two different pathways in the brain, and scientists have speculated that some aspects of empathy can be traced to mirror neurons, cells in the brain that fire when we observe someone else perform an action in much the same way that they would fire if we performed that action ourselves. Research has also uncovered evidence of a genetic basis to empathy, though studies suggest that people can enhance (or restrict) their natural empathic abilities.

Having empathy doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll want to help someone in need, though it’s often a vital first step toward compassionate action.

Psychology Today tells us 6 things about empathy that may help our conversation.

Empathy and sympathy aren't synonymous. According to them we feel sympathy for others when we identify with their situation. But that feeling - sympathy - doesn't necessarily connect us to that person or what they're feeling. Proven by the fact that we can be sympathetic to somebody's situation and have no idea about their feelings or thoughts. Sympathy rarely urges us to take action - except for writing checks to make donations. Sympathy, according to Psychology Today, doesn't build a connection. Empathy does. As they write, "Sympathy is feeling for someone; empathy involves feeling with them."

Empathy isn't intuition. Research has shown that it's both unconscious and it's also supported by what's going on in our brain. Neuroscience reveals that when we see others in pain it activates the parts of our brain that register pain. It appears that empathy is feeling, brain chemistry and physiology. Much of it stems from our ability, or lack of ability, to employ systematic thinking to read others.

Empathy engages specific neural circuitry in our brain. Our ability to mimic and mirror others is a capacity that takes place in specific areas of the brain.

Empathy is learned. The capacity for it is in us, but we learn it. All of us who have raised kids know that little kids have a difficult time regulating their emotions. Infants learn from the adults who surround them. Identifying with them helps kids learn to regulate their emotions. Being swept up in somebody else's emotions isn't empathy, by the way.

The capacity for empathy varies by individual.

His name was Rocky. Like all Westies (he was a White West Highland Terrier; commonly called Westies) he'd cock his head when he was puzzled. You may be puzzled, too. I often am. Which is why I'm always asking questions. And I'm great at it - asking questions, that is. By the way, I lost Rocky a few years ago and he gave me quite a lot. I gave him a lot, too. In a word, love!

Today's question is pretty stinking ancient, but it's not as ancient as another question that is asked more, "What do you have to give me?" Flip it and let's not think about ourselves from a "getting" perspective but from a "giving" perspective.

But let's start with keeping score. I'm competitive, but I'm not a scorekeeper. I'm am blessed. Grateful.

I'm a baby boomer, born in an old-school era. Where kids could ride in the back of a pickup truck through town. And not be pulled over by cops.

I'm an American. A country with tremendous opportunities and freedoms.

I'm blessed with a ton of empathy. I was emotionally intelligent before I even knew that was a thing.

I'm an INFJ. Highly intuitive. Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Feeling (F), Judgment (J) --- and it's a blessing. I own it. Long ago I learned I might as well because I'm unable to change it.

I'm candid. And that's a blessing, too.

I'm a speed freak. Okay, blessing and curse somewhat. No, much more a blessing.

Knowing who you are and how you have to roll isn't keeping score. But there's more.

You also have to know what you're afraid of. We all have a ton of fear! Life has absolutely been terrific at teaching me that fear is THE culprit that spoils success. It paralyzes people. It gives people an excuse. Tons of them. It stops us before we even get started. And it's almost always tied to somebody. Somebody close to us. Somebody we love. Somebody who may love us. Or may just say they do.

Fear causes us to hide. It feels safe, but it's deceptive. Dangerous. It lulls us into behavior that wrecks any opportunities we have to achieve, grow and reach a higher capacity for our lives. Fear is a nasty, ridiculously effective enemy.

Why then would we wrap it around our shoulders like a comforter on a bitterly cold night?

Because it feels good. Sorta like eating half a dozen glazed donuts. Or one of those 2000 plus calorie concrete ice cream shakes from Sonic.

Because it seems like we're convincing ourselves that we're protecting ourselves. Operative word is, "seems." Looks are sometimes deceiving.

What has this got to do with figuring out what we have to give? Everything.

Let's look at this from your perspective. You're no different than the rest of us. You want to be special. You want to feel like you're valuable. To somebody. In some way.

That can fuel narcissism, an unhealthy focus thinking you're all that and more --- where you're diluted thinking you're somehow more special than everybody else. So you live your life intent on showing us the movie that is your life feigning interest in others only so you can get more attention for yourself. It's all about you when you're narcissistic. Let's not likely you because you're not paying me, or anybody else much attention if you're really that self-centered. Unless you think there's something we can do to shine a brighter light on you. And my little light runs on two AA batteries so I'm no help at all. ;)

You're special. But you're no more special than me, or anybody else. Do you really think we all have value? That we all have the potential to bring value to the world, in some way? Come on, be honest! That's the problem with unfair, harsh judgment and prejudice. This has nothing to do with the actual value provided because clearly there are people who don't provide value.

Using Morse code, he blinked, "TORTURE."

Jeremiah Denton died on the morning of March 28, 2014. He was 89. You never heard of him? I'm sorry to admit it, but neither had I. Today I've been reading about him in the news.

During the Viet Nam war, Denton, a US Navy flyer, was shot down in July 1965 and captured by the North Vietnamese. For 7.5 years he suffered as a POW under horrible conditions, including the famed "Hanoi Hilton." In his book, When Hell Was In Session, he wrote...

In the early morning hours, I prayed that I could keep my sanity until they released me. I couldn't even give in to their demands, because there were none. It was pure revenge."

Denton suffered torture. During an interview in 1966 that his captors shot, he blinked the word T-O-R-T-U-R-E using morse code. The North Vietnamese were unaware, but the United States got the message loud and clear.

For 4 years he endured solitary confinement. As if being in a windowless, nasty, filthy cell wasn't enough.

When the war ended he was released in February 1973. I'm now interested in reading his book because I have no idea how he endured this experience. I realize there were many other POW's who made it out of Viet Nam alive. I also know there were countless who never made it home. In fact, for many years after the war ended, there was speculation that many POW's were still being held illegally by the North Vietnamese. We may never know for certain.

I was just getting my driver's license when Denton was released. I have vivid memories of the network news devoting almost all the newscast to the war. Walter Cronkite was far and away the most trusted news anchor in America during this time. Dan Rather and other notable journalists were in the field, providing us with daily reports.

And there were body counts. Those dreaded body counts. We were told how many Americans had died versus how many North Vietnamese had been killed. It was a gruesome, depressing time.

I was always fascinated by the Viet Nam war. I watched documentaries on it. Read books about it. It was the first unconventional war in that, the enemy didn't always wear an identifiable uniform. So much to take in, but that's not the point today. No, today the point is resilience. The point is determination. And hope. Survival.

How does a person under such duress press on day after day without losing hope? How did Jeremiah Denton and other POW's survive the beatings and torture for such a long time? Did they use psychological tricks the rest of us don't know? Were they endowed with some super-duper mental toughness that only a few of us possess?

For decades I've been fascinated by these things. It's a bit like the pain level difference in people. Some can withstand tremendous pain and not think it's that bad. Others can get a hangnail and whine as though they're on the brink of death. What gives?

Mr. Denton's story of survival brings to the forefront - just one more time - the power of enduring and grinding it out. Since I'm a business guy, one of my first thoughts when I read of his death, was how sometimes in our business pursuits we let the smallest obstacle foil our success. The minute we run into our first, "No!" we pack up our bags and quit, thinking that nobody is ever going to buy this.

Okay, we don't all do that because if we did nobody would succeed. Clearly, the successful among us aren't so easily defeated. But you know the successful are far fewer than those who fail. Does the 80/20 rule apply? Probably.

I could easily believe that only 20% of the people who set out to make a go of some business enterprise succeed...while 80% fail."

I'll go you one better. I'd venture to guess it's more like 90/10. Who knows? Who cares? Here's the deal - one man endures 7.5 years of torture in a North Vietnamese prison cam...

True confession. I wrote this in February 2016, but it was part of the previous iteration of LTW. It came up again recently in a conversation with a client who was struggling with inner critic stuff. I figured I'd resurrect it and share it hoping it'll serve YOU. Before we dive in I have to say that lately, I've been very focused on how we can become addicted to self-help, motivational mumbo-jumbo! I don't want to contribute to that because it provides millions of people excuses for doing nothing...stuck in the Land Of Wishing I Was Somebody Else. - Randy

Is the subject anticipation, or patience? Is it value or benefit? Yes, yes, yes and yes. It’s all that and more.

Over the weekend I wrote down a sentence on my whiteboard – the one that’s about 5 feet from where I’m sitting right now.

Avoid dread by being eager!

For a few weeks now I’ve been battling my inner critic. You’d think I’d have conquered him by now, huh? Well, not so much. The older you grow the more voices join you along the way. I learned to name my characters in my head. It helps to give them cartoonish names. I doubt I’ve plumbed the depths of my personality to uncover them all, but so far I’ve identified 10 of them. Did you ever see the Three Faces Of Eve? That movie came out the year I was born. Coincidence? Hum, maybe. Maybe not. One wonders. It’s about a woman diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Depending on who you choose to believe, some argue there is no such thing. No matter, today’s show isn’t about that, but it is about YOU and the things that go on inside your head.

I don’t have three faces. I have 10 characters, or little voices that offer me their unique perspectives. They’ve all got an agenda, too. An ax to grind. A bone to pick. I don’t always see it for what it is. Not in real time, that’s for sure.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating — true wisdom is the ability to make the right decision in real time. Controlling our thoughts in real time is part of it and I confess I don’t get that right nearly as often as I’d like. Too many times I listen to one of these characters in real time and I let them foil success. They rob me of so many things it’s anything other than funny.

I dove into the arduous work of getting my mind right by taking a close look at who these characters are and what they’re best at. I don’t mind sharing. As you read mine, think about your own. It’s time you introduced yourself to them and got to know them better – mostly for who they really are. These are my 10 without any editing to save face or look better in your sight:

Phillip The Prophet

He knows exactly how things are going to turn out – not well. What can go wrong, will go wrong. Phillip is standing by to say, “I told you so.”

Dillion The Disrespected

Dillion is depressed because nobody respects him, especially the people he mostly wants to respect him. Dillion ignores all signs of respect because they don’t match up to what he thinks are proper demonstrations of it – like lots of glowing praise and people constantly recognizing him. He assumes silences or casual praise mean something sinister and awful, not true respect.

Ian The Insecure

Ian doubts the capacity for anything to turn out well. He joins forces with Phillip The Prophet to regularly shy away from attempting things because he’s convinced he’s not worthy of them, even if they were to happen. Ian doesn’t feel worthy of success, but still he longs for it.

Larry The Loudmouth

Larry speaks when he shouldn’t. Instead of standing by listening and observing, Larry just can’t resist the urge to pipe up and insert himself. More often than not, Larry’s mouth gets him in trouble. He never learns that listening doesn’t require speaking.

Connor The Complacent

Connor is lax.

We're coming up on the 67th anniversary of the story that inspired the cult-hit movie, Idiocracy.

Cyril M. Kornbluth was a science fiction writer whose futuristic story, The Marching Morons, was published in Galaxy (a sci-fi magazine) in April 1951. 67 years ago.

The Marching Morons is a look at a future world consisting of five billion idiots and a few million geniuses. The pressure is on the few geniuses to keep things running.

Well, the morons are winning. In 2012 I registered the domain, SurroundedByNinnies.com. Go ahead. Click it.

Part of the Ninnie-ism Movement is crudeness and vulgarity. It has skyrocketed in popularity over the past 20 years.

Irreverence has always existed. So has sin. But many behaviors that were once done mostly in secret have come out into the broad daylight, not just visible, but parading. Showing off.

Popular culture is killing us!

Talent isn't as meaningful as it once was because narcissism now rules.

extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration

Celebrity. Fame. That's increasingly the aspiration.

HBO and Rolling Stone founder, Jan Wenner, produced a 2-part documentary on the history of that magazine. Mr. Wenner started the magazine in San Francisco in November 9, 1967 (when the first edition was published). He and his cohorts were aiming to cover the counter-culture. Some argue - and I happen to agree with much of what they observe - that the counter-culture has been shouted down, politically and socially bullied so that today society is no longer tolerates counter anything. Conformity is the key ingredient.

And we've seen conformity morph increasingly toward crudeness and vulgarity. In every area. From clothing, or lack thereof, to speech, to demeanor, to movement (think twerking), to entertainment (think Big Brother or the Bachelor), to music (think Curren$y and a host of others), to the fact that now we can no longer determine if our newborn child is a boy or a girl because we've got to wait to see what they identify as. We've lost our mind and our insanity is more popular than it's ever been.

It's a very big, broad and important topic. I'm not a trained sociologist or social anthropologist, but I'm a human. Last I checked. That qualifies me to observe what's going on around me. And to draw some conclusions. Mostly to see patterns and figure things out. I certainly don't profess the power to alter much, or influence much.

As usual, today's show as prompted by something. Namely, the increase in profanity in professional settings. Cussing has been around in the workplace as long as I've been in the workplace (since about age 15). My experience isn't empirical proof of anything. It's just my experience.

Blue collar work that I did as a kid involved far more vulgar talk than the work I did in retail. When you work in a store serving the public, it wasn't acceptable...even if behind the scenes language was gutter-like.

I started thinking back to my youth, that typical time when kids start "talking ugly." My parents didn't allow foul language. I didn't grow up around foul language. I wasn't even allowed to watch the TV series, The Twilight Zone until I was nearly an adult! Yes, I was protected and I know we use that verbiage as though it's a prudish or bad thing, but that's likely part of the problem. We're not protecting our children from much of anything today. Shame on us. It's a big loss for our kids. But I digress.

My house wasn't filled with crudeness or vulgarity. I know that's a big deal. But my friends didn't live in houses filled with it either. Even if their parents cussed, the cussing wasn't in the same league as today's vulgarity. Not that I support it, but the traditional "hell" and "damn" aren't quite in the same ...

It was January 2015 when I last did a virtual tour of The Yellow Studio (click here to see that). It's among the most consistent requests I get...to do another one. My problem is, not much, if anything has changed since 2015. Same gear. Same workflow. Same Yellow Studio. The same everything, really. Just an older guy behind the mic.

Join the Facebook group, P-L-E-A-S-E.

Gracias!

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The other day I stumbled onto this book on Amazon. "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One," by Dr. Joe Dispenza.

Do I really need to read a book on how to lose my mind? Well, maybe so.

It does look like an interesting read. I don't know Dr. Joe, but whoever helped him title the book deserves big kudos. I'll argue that the published price is worth it simply based on the brilliance of the title. The sub-title is the one that really grabs me though. I'm quite interested in losing my mind so I can create a new one. It's that in-between phase that terrifies me though. I’m fearful if I lose the mind I've got, I may not get a new one, or my old one back. It sounds like an exercise that could really go badly. Very quickly.

Here's what the Amazon summary says about the book.

You are not doomed by your genes and hardwired to be a certain way for the rest of your life. A new science is emerging that empowers all human beings to create the reality they choose. In Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, renowned author, speaker, researcher, and chiropractor Dr. Joe Dispenza combines the fields of quantum physics, neuroscience, brain chemistry, biology, and genetics to show you what is truly possible. Not only will you be given the necessary knowledge to change any aspect of yourself, you will be taught the step-by-step tools to apply what you learn in order to make measurable changes in any area of your life. Dr. Joe demystifies ancient understandings and bridges the gap between science and spirituality. Through his powerful workshops and lectures, thousands of people in 25 different countries have used these principles to change from the inside out. Once you break the habit of being yourself and truly change your mind, your life will never be the same!

Without having read the book I can't vouch for it, except to brag about the title. And it's the title that captivates me somewhat. I did go watch his TEDx talk from some years ago. You can go watch it here. One YouTube commenter posted this 2 years ago: "He sounds like 'Booger' from Revenge of the Nerds." :D He does!

The guy is clearly smart. Even if he does sound like Booger. And I went down the rabbit hole of watching a number of videos of him speaking. I must say I find him hard to follow, but as one reviewer of the book said, you have to muscle through chapters 1 and 2 to get to chapter 3 where the magic starts to happen. I'm planning to buy the Kindle version and dive into it. So you can likely expect some sort of follow-up after I've had time to read it, figure it out and apply it.

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Maybe not entirely, but somewhat? I suppose a large percentage of us have, at some point, wished we were more of something, less of something, or just something completely different.

Some people urge us to embrace ourselves, just the way we are. So I guess growth, improvement, and transformation are unimportant. It's more important for you to have self-awareness and accept yourself just the way you are.

Not.

Dr. Joe approaches the subject of changing your mind from a brain science viewpoint. Learning is forging new synaptic connections, says the doctor. Nerve cells that fire together, wire together. Remembering is maintaining and sustaining those connections. Neuro networks are communities of synaptic connections. You generate more electrical connections in your brain in one day than all the cell phones in the world combined.

Once you understand something intellectually, then you personalize it - you use it - you'll have a new experience. All of your senses are working together to process the information in your brain. Neurons are connecting and the brain releases a chemical that produces a feeling. That's how we remember our first kiss. Or some memorable experience.

There are many ideas conveyed in the song. Where you wanna go Who you wanna be How you gonna get there soon If it don’t come naturally And if it’s not now Then when’s the time There’s only so long you can pay no mind To the burn inside Solid questions we all wrestle with. […]

Why do you want what you want? Lots of people want more money, but they don’t necessarily have any specific thing they want to do with it. They just think having more of it will make them happy. Or maybe they do know what they want – or think they do. A nicer house. A new […]

Let me just say that some people shouldn’t be themselves because — well, they’re royal jerks. Or worse. Some of us need to do some heavy lifting before we embrace being ourselves. Growth, improvement, and transformation are ongoing processes, but for some of us — these need attention so we can become decent human beings […]