Life Check Yourself

Marni welcomes Matthew Coast, author and dating expert, to ponder what makes men tick, and how you can attract the right men without compromising on your value system. Matthew has worked with both men and women to guide them on their dating journey. With a podcast that reaches millions of listeners, Mathew helps women shift their mindset to attract a high-quality man and high-value relationship. In this episode, the pair talk about what it means to know your value, and how to convey that. How your partner reacts to you is an indicator of his character, and his character is a good sign as to how this relationship will grow (or not grow). So, what is it that resonates with men? And how can you assert your value? 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - It’s about your mindset

 - Be Direct

 - How to be valued by your partner

 - What drives him wild?

 - Don’t obsess over your checklist 

 - His character is a good indicator

Your Clothes Don’t Need to be Gucci, as Long as Your Mindset is [02:15]

It all begins with the mindset. It’s not about what’s happening on the outside, but about what’s happening on the inside. Matthew speaks of the law of belief transference, which essentially stipulates that the person with the strongest belief will most likely transfer it to the people around them. That is, if you want to be respected and valued by a man, then you need to truly respect and value yourself. 

The problem is if you don’t actually value yourself. So, what you want to think about is, ‘Do I value my own voice? Do I think what I have to say is important?

Once you shift your mindset to one that gives importance to how you value yourself, that feeling is mimicked in your external behavior. Being aware of how you value your time and your entire being, will push you to have the conversations that matter. Don’t shy away from confronting him if it’s about something that’s important to you. 

Ultimately how he reacts once you voice your grievances is indicative of his character. And his character is a good sign of whether or not this will blossom into the relationship you want. If he’s someone who cares, he’ll listen and accommodate your feelings. If not, then….

Break Out From the Crowd [07:47]

Chances are if you’re in the early stages of dating, he’s been on a few other dates and had a few painful experiences. Some dates honestly feel more like interviews than what they’re actually meant to be, a fun night out where you get to connect with another human being. 

Matthew explains that a lot of women come to him and they’re in a different emotional state. That is, one which is relatively extreme, where rather than go out on a date and enjoy it, they’ll interrogate their date to get an idea if this person matches their checklist. Going into something with a fun and exciting attitude with an intent to connect and see where it goes, is what will make you stand out from all his other dates. And that’s not to say that you shouldn’t be yourself but yourself is that fun, excited woman who is as happy to be on that date as he is. 

Be the person you want to attract. 

Voice Your Permission [11:20]

A lot of us struggle with the right way to approach a man, and whether or not we’re meant to give him straight-up permission rather than those little hints we’ve been throwing for the past month. Well, they’re as confused as we are. 

Women are really good at giving hints, and guys are really bad at receiving them. 

In the current climate, men aren’t always quite sure what line they’re allowed to cross and which ones they aren’t. It’s a mixture of confusion, frustration and fear in terms of what they can and can’t do. And it’s based on your permission. If you haven’t given it explicitly, sometimes things get lost in translation. That’s not to say that you need to make the first move, if you don’t want to. But extending an invitation and letting him then take the reins, clears up a lot of misconceptions and avoids time wasted. Being direct is empowering.

A lot of times, women will shut off when the person in front of them hasn’t gotten the hint. And what tends to happen as humans, according to Matthew, is that we jump to extremes because it’s easier to do so, rather than explore the middle. These extremes are where most of the problems happen, though.  

The magic is almost always in the middle. 

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Marni welcomes Bobbi Palmer in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they delve into the journey (read: trek) that is relationships, and love. The duo look at the little self-sabotaging traps we all find ourselves in and what we can learn from them. Bobbi is the founder of Date Like a Grownup. She’s a mentor and dating coach, who’s been helping women understand themselves and their dating patterns for the past 15 years. She was a first-time bride at 47 who found her happy-ever-after at an unconventional age. In this episode, Marni and Bobbi discuss how women create patterns that they keep returning to over and over again. These detrimental patterns then turn into the cycles that go on to define their relationship behavior and their general outlook on love. Bobbi encourages women to look inwards even when the fear of rejection and failure stares back at you.  

Takeaways from this episode:

 - How to break the cycle

 - It takes courage 

 - Visualize what you want, it’s out there

 - Tip the balance 

 - Why do you have trust issues?

 - Look inwards to break the patterns 

It’s Not You, It’s Your Pattern [03:50]

Bobbi explains that most of us create patterns, perhaps without even realizing it. As we continuously repeat them, even though they’re yielding negative results, we end up feeling hopeless and shift the blame onto ourselves when things don’t work out the way we envisioned them. This notion of “there’s something wrong with me” is the story we’ve told ourselves because we’ve been unable to break free of our patterns. And as we get older, we get stuck in the destructive cycle. You are the one creating these patterns, and they, in turn, are creating your results. 

Understanding them and looking inwards is the first step, and it takes fearlessness to be conscious of the thought process or behavior holding you back when it comes to dating. But it does start with you. 

Finding your partner as you go through life becomes more about courage rather than how many men there are in your age range, or whether or not you’re still in shape or what app you use.  

Are You Afraid of … (Fill in the Blank) [06:10] 

A lot of the time, we prefer not even trying rather than attempting and failing. It’s a trap that many of us fall into where we hold on to the mantra of all men suck, or I want to be single. Because if it’s a choice we’re making, rather than an imposition, it somehow makes it okay. 

This is a form of self-protection born of a fear of rejection, failure and perhaps repeating the same mistakes again. We’ve all been through an iteration of this. Bobbi elaborates on how we should look at it, where it’s almost like a balance between all the fear that’s holding us back set up against the vision we have of what a loving relationship looks like. And for a lot of us, we have trouble with the second part of the balance, because we’ve never been in such a relationship and envisioning it is difficult. 

There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s just some things you don’t yet know.

Once the balance tips more towards the other side, the dream of what a relationship looks like for you, that’s when it’s time to take action, bearing in mind that it’s not always going to be 100% in par with your vision. And that’s okay, too. 

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Marni welcomes world renowned author and life relationship coach, Bryan Reeves, in the Life Check Yourself studio, to discuss the dynamics in a relationship. The author of the recently released book, Choose Her Every Day (or Leave Her), Bryan delves into the semantics of how men perceive things versus how women perceive them. In this episode, the pair talk about what connection actually means, and how it is defined in relation to a person’s experiences throughout life. Men and women aren’t wired the same, but that doesn’t mean that men don’t desire intimacy just as much as women do, they just go about it differently. Marni and Bryan look into the misconceptions and stereotypes that have given men a bad rep; and how women have interacted with these preconceived notions ingrained in us by society. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Is he an F-boy or actually profoundly sensitive?

 - Men perceive connection differently than women

 - How to communicate your needs

 - A relationship of invitation vs a relationship of obligation

 - How to meet in the middle

 - He wants intimacy too

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From… [01:37]

There’s a far-reaching misconception, when it comes to dating, that men don’t want intimacy. Society has continually fed into that narrative that men don’t care about forming a connection with their partner, and that intimacy isn’t their thing. But is that actually the case?

Men and women are wired differently. But at the end of the day, we’re all human beings, and we all crave the same basic things. We just perceive it in different forms. Bryan explains that contrary to popular belief, men are actually profoundly sensitive. But due to years of programming instilling in them the notion that insecurities or feelings are a weakness, it’s become a habit they’ve taken into adulthood. 

We do come at things very differently. Men [do] want connection, too. That’s a fact. 

That’s not to say that some men aren’t F-boys. But every human being has insecurities; has a need to belong; and a need to be understood. Men are not exempt from wanting connection. They just have a different picture of what that looks like.

If the house isn’t on fire, you’re doing something right [05:17]

Bryan elaborates that a majority of men view connection in a larger spectrum. If everything is running smoothly, the bills are paid, and the house isn’t on fire, then all’s good, and you’re good. Whereas for a majority of women, connection means something entirely different. 

Quoting Terry Real, the successful podcast host breaks it down in laymen terms. He explains that for some, mainly men, connection is experienced shoulder to shoulder, which means that it’s you and your partner experiencing the world together side by side. Rather than, nose to nose, which is more internal. Whereas one gender views connection as doing activities together and facing the external together; the other views it as experiencing each other and connecting on a face to face, or soul to soul level. The latter being more intimate. But the way we translate intimacy is intertwined to how we’ve experienced it growing up, within our own lives. 

A lot of us grew up in homes where intimacy wasn’t practiced in that way. For a lot of people, that was even unsafe to be nose to nose, or face to face, because that meant I could get crushed. 

For many men, as long as everything is functional, then everything is good regardless of what’s actually going on in the relationship. 

However we practice intimacy, balance is a key component. While it is pivotal for a relationship to include both types of connection, space and knowing when to give it and when to receive it is important. That’s where balance comes into play. 

We get into relationships with the fantasy that ‘I’m going to get my needs met, and my desires met just as I want them to be.’  And even then, when we do get them met, there’s a part of us that has a visceral repulsion because actually that’s not balanced. It’s just me getting a fantasy of something that’s unsustainable. 

How to Make Him Understand You [ 09:52]

There’s a distinction that Bryan makes which is invitation versus obligation. If you’re coming from a relationship as invitation, then that might fare better for you. 

We’re adults, it’s human nature to want autonomy over our wants and our desires. No one wants to feel obligated. So, coming to your partner from a space that makes him feel obligated isn’t always the right way to take up your complaints. Whereas when it’s framed as an invitation, it’s indirectly telling your partner that this is where you’d like for them to meet you, and it’s up to them to choose. It restores their sense of freedom. 

I think a relationship done well is an endless invitation; it’s an endless series of invitation. 

To get to that balance and that level within a relationship takes years, and doesn’t happen overnight. But understanding the foundation of what connection means to each person is indispensable. 

A Relationship done well is a paradox. It is an obligation that I am freely choosing to step into. 

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Marni, Chris and Dr.Emily use reality tv show, Love is Blind, as a blueprint for the behaviors and habits that should have you running for the hills. The contestants’ actions and reactions echo much of the dos and don’ts that we fall into when dating IRL. The trio ponder the signs that could be used as a warning hazard when it comes to jumping into the dating pool. They take a deep dive into the interpersonal interactions that are part and parcel of the reality show and much of the time, our own lives. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Collect your own data before making a snap judgment

 - Forgiveness is important

 - No one’s agreeable round the clock

 - His transparency is a good sign

 - Does he avoid conflict at all costs?

 - Love takes work

Should You Listen to His Friends? [12:18]

When his friends tell you he’s flaky, should you believe them? Or maybe they’ve convinced you that he’s selfish, should that be a warning sign for you to run for the hills? 

It’s natural for your instinctive reaction to lean towards believing them. After all, they are his friends. And in some cases, they might be right. But context is everything. Your experience with him should count for something. Collecting data on the person from your own firsthand experience, in the grand scheme of things, should carry more weight than what someone says or doesn’t say about your partner. If what they’re saying rings true, then that to a certain extent, has been your experience with him. It also depends on what it is that’s being said.  

Marni brings up Matt and Coleen as an example of this. Matt’s character is somewhat aggressive, and he projects onto the person he’s dating. And his friends seem to corroborate that by adding that he has big emotions, which is not completely inaccurate in this particular case. 

Mark was also completely unforgiving towards Coleen in certain instances, in that he didn’t have the ability to hear her out before choosing to react. So, maybe his friends weren’t completely off-base. And that’s what Coleen’s experience with him brought to light. 

That being said, ultimately, regardless of whether or not you choose to believe his friends, trust what he’s showing you, and do your own digging before dismissing. 

Transparency is Key [20:30]

A common mistake couples make IRL is lack of transparency. A lot of times, people aren’t transparent with their emotions, or their feelings towards certain behaviors coming from their partner. With SK and Raven, he never addressed any of the issues he had within the relationship, even when some of her demands seemed outrageous. SK didn’t even make an effort to discuss them. 

And that’s not dissimilar to what happens on the dating scene. Chris adds that it’s borderline selfish. Because when your partner doesn’t speak up in an effort to avoid conflict at all cost; they end up hurting you anyway in most cases. For any relationship to work, you need to be honest with each other, even when your lack of transparency is in an effort to protect your partner. Trust that they can handle the truth, and that you can sort it out together, rather than going off and making decisions on your own, on both your behalf. And not being honest about them. 

You think you’re protecting somebody but you’re actually setting them up for a really devastating experience. That’s not kind; that’s not helping your partner; that’s not being supportive. 

Sometimes he’s not a jerk; he’s just oblivious [25:35]

Marni points to a scene on Love is Blind that is a perfect example of taking things out of context, where Cole’s words are misconstrued by Zanab, and he’s accused of commenting negatively on her weight. The scene leaves viewers wondering if Cole was in fact body-shaming Zanab. Upon getting the full picture, it’s apparent that Zanab was projecting her own insecurities onto him. Zanab’s insecurities run so deep that she almost sees the world through that lens.

She’s filtering the entire world in such a way that she’s only hearing what is kind of resounding with her own fears.  

That being said, Cole has also proven over and over again throughout the season that he's oblivious, not just in terms of Zanab’s relationship with food and her own body but in general. 

In this particular situation, Dr.Emily clarifies that she feels for both of them. On the one hand, Cole is completely unaware of how deep his partner’s issues run, and on the other hand, Zanab is so completely drowned by her own insecurities that she may not even realize she’s projecting. Both these behaviors can, and do happen with all of us. 

It’s important to note the difference between when we’re self-projecting and when the person has actually done something to offend us. And this confusion usually happens when we’re not self-aware. 

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Marni welcomes Sarah Baldwin, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and Trauma Coach in the Life Check Yourself studio, to inspect the system that controls all of our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Sarah was trained at the Polyvagal Institute, and has worked with different modalities including attachment and nervous system regulation. In this episode, the pair look at the driver, or rather the soldier behind our anxieties; our stress; our fear; our rage; as well as our feelings of joy, creativity, wonder, intimacy and peace. Sarah breaks down the role our nervous system plays in the wide spectrum of human emotion. It is a system that plays a pivotal role in the regulation of our sensations, our thoughts and our relationship with ourselves and the world. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - How to change your behavior 

 - What’s the autonomic nervous system got to do with it?

 - Shutting down is your body’s way of protecting you

 - Where does it all begin? 

 - Your past informs your present behavior

 - Why doesn’t your nervous system understand you?

It’s not You, it’s Your Autonomic Nervous System [03:00]

The foundation of everything that happens within us is a system that lives inside each one of us. It’s the autonomic nervous system. Whether we feel happy, sad, anxious, stressed or excited, it can all be traced back to the nervous system.  

It’s the system that is responsible for how we feel, the sensations in our body, our behaviors, our thoughts, and the way with which we perceive ourself and the world around us. Everything is decided upon by what’s happening in that system. 

But how does it work? Sarah explains that everybody has a database of information that has been acquired throughout the years. This storage unit has a collection of the good, the bad, the dangerous and the inter-generational experiences in your life. And our autonomic nervous system has a threat detector, that basically sifts through the data to analyze the level of danger in any situation unfolding in the present. It is doing this constantly and consistently. Whether you’re at the supermarket, at the beach, or at a friend’s house, your threat detector is looking at the receptacle of past information to gauge potential threat in any given situation. It’s your threat detector that decides, based on past experiences, whether you are safe, or in danger in the moment. If it decides you’re safe, then that’s what is termed as a state of regulation. 

Understanding your nervous system and how it works, is the first step in your healing journey. 

Your Nervous System is Stuck in the Past [ 06:22]

Where does chronic anxiety come from? Or stress? These states of panic manifest when your nervous system takes a deep dive into your past experiences to assess the current situation. When your threat detector finds the current event to be unsafe, the nervous system goes into protection mode, which results in three states. It is at that moment where we experience rage, panic, racing thoughts, anxiety and so on. 

The reason we become dysregulated when we’re actually in safety is because our system doesn’t know the past is over. 

From past traumas, Sarah adds, our system ends up experiencing a form of chronic anxiety even though we’re actually safe. That’s how you end up dysregulated. This extends to your relationships with the people around you, and how you attach yourself to them. Your nervous system dictates much of your interactions in a relationship. But it’s not enough to just acknowledge this information. After acknowledgment comes action. 

We’ve got this vehicle inside of us, we have to learn about the vehicle, and then we need to get in the driver’s seat. 

When our nervous system tells us we’re unsafe, we become dysregulated. Learning how to address our nervous system is the first step to learning how to self-regulate. 

Nervous systems read each other, so a calm nervous system calms another nervous system down. 

Your Nervous System is Not Out to Get you [18:27]

Our body is constantly trying to protect us. This extends to our nervous system. It’s not trying to cause us harm, it’s not dysfunctional and it’s not confused. 

If you find yourself dysregulated, or if you’ve got relationship dynamics that are problematic for you – which causes you to become dysregulated – your nervous system is basically saying ‘you’re not safe right now’, based on past informational data. 

Your nervous system is always working towards trying to avoid pain and suffering. When it has identified that a particular situation or trigger, as per its collection of past experiences, has caused you harm before, it signals danger. It’s constantly working towards identifying all the possibilities of how a past trauma might occur again and as such overwhelm or hurt you. That’s its job.  

That does not mean that you’re broken, nor does it mean that your system isn’t working right. It actually means the opposite. 

Make a Connection:

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Marni welcomes mindfulness and soulfulness coach, and podcast host of On This Walk, Luke Iorio, and they delve into what it takes to lead a purposeful life. The former CEO and president of the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) shares his own personal journey with finding his way back to himself, and as a result to leading a life of inner balance and connection. Having helped thousands of clients and listeners in their quest for meaning, Luke divulges the tools to help you reconnect with your true self. It’s about awareness, rather than blame; courage rather than shame; and owning your role within your own life. 

Takeaways from this episode:

- What are the questions you should be asking yourself?

- How you can live life on your own terms

- Change is fluid

- The universe is constantly conspiring to make you whole

- Awareness is the first step

- How to own your role in the situation

It’s Not About Making Lemonade Out of Those Lemons [08:47]

When you bear in mind that whatever rough spot you’re in, is either your transformation moment, or it’s preparing you for a transformation, your perspective starts to shift. And this isn’t about positivity for the sake of positivity. Luke shares the insights he’s gained from his own journey, and years of experience in the field by explaining that the universe is always conspiring to return you to wholeness through the experiences it hands you.  

It’s through these traumas, negative experiences and losses, that we begin to understand what is within us. That’s how you begin to decipher what the universe is trying to tell you.

These are hardships are what lead us to the questions that matter: what are the parts of you that you feel like you’ve disowned? what are the corners of you that you feel have shut-down? And that’s not to shift blame, but rather to acknowledge that there is a reason, you closed off certain areas of yourself; there’s a reason for everything you’ve done. The journey begins when you start finding out why. 

At any given moment, the experience I’m having is returning me to wholeness. 

Life isn’t trying to beat you down; it’s trying to lead you back to yourself. All you have to do is listen. And to do that takes faith and humility. 

We get fragmented through all these different little experiences, we leave little pieces of ourselves in our histories, in our traumas, in our hurts and pains. And life is always trying to return them to us.

Step Out of the Moment and Look at the Whole Picture [13:42]

You’re not broken; you’re whole. That’s something we often forget to remind ourselves of. But being aware of your role in any given situation isn’t about putting yourself down, it’s about understanding where that decision came from. 

When we look at a situation unfolding before us, we assume that it’s happening in the present, explains Luke. But, that’s actually not the case, it is the culmination of all the perceptions, beliefs, attitudes, patterns and conditioning that we’ve absorbed and built over the past decade or so. Ultimately the recurring conflicts that appear consistently as we interact with the world are a result of our histories. Exploring that is what informs our decisions. That’s where awareness comes into play. 

When we recognize our role in a certain situation, the whole picture begins to get a little clearer. 

What you’re doing is opening that window of taking responsibility where you can start taking responsibility and begin changing the way you’re relating to your participation in whatever is going on. 

Life Moves in Cycle [23:00]

It’s not news; life is in a state of perpetual change. And yet, we tend to forget the fluidity that is the very nature of life. Everything in life goes through cycles. Luke elaborates that the reason for discomfort and unhappiness is that very often we hold on to the things that are trying to be let go of. 

Change doesn’t work that way, it’s meant to be more fluid. It’s not meant to be controlled. 

Being aware of that means being able to ebb and flow rather than attempt to change the very nature of life. Because resisting ends up creating rigidity. Whereas leaning into it, and understanding that universal truth eventually leads to a deeper change within you. 

Make a Connection:

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 - Luke's Free Alignment Workbook

 - Visit Our Website

 - Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

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Marni, Chris and Dr.Emily, get into the sticky business that is money, especially when it comes to couples. They point out the issues that surface (or don’t for some) with the couples on reality TV show, Love is Blind, and ponder what we can learn from them. The situations that arise on the show mimic much of what goes on with us in our own personal lives, and we’re forced to take a hard look at our own values surrounding money. When is it the right time to start talking about it? Is a prenup a no-no? Is there a deeper meaning to be gleaned from asking for one? We all wonder about how to broach the topic once things start taking a turn for the serious, but it remains a sensitive subject where we’re required to tread carefully. 

Takeaways from this episode:

- When to set a financial plan with your partner

- Disagreeing isn’t the same thing as gaslighting 

- What’s the code of conduct when it comes to talking money?

- Leave Open-casting in 2022

- Instagram isn’t a good indicator of who a person is

- Financial infidelity is a thing

Does a Prenup Undermine the Commitment? [08:03]

On Love is Blind, Marni draws our attention to two couples, Nancy and Bartiste, and Brenon and Alexa. Now with the first couple, Nancy is older and more well-established. When discussing money, she speaks of sharing their assets, and Bartiste’s reaction is almost like that of the cartoon character whose eyes morph in dollar signs at the mention of money. A little worrying, but okay. 

With the second couple, Alexa mentions a prenup, and Brenon is open to the idea. But whether you relate more to the first couple (Bartiste’s reaction was a bit of a red flag, though) or the second couple, when it comes to relationships, a financial plan needs to be set in place. At the very least, you need to be in alignment where your values are concerned. 

It’s about looking at your non-negotiables and the core values you have surrounding money, and then discussing them with your partner. When it comes to prenups, there’s no right or wrong route to take. It depends on what you feel more comfortable with. And let’s break the taboo around prenups. 

Having a prenup isn’t saying that the marriage won’t work. It’s more about talking openly in terms of how you’d like the income and the assets to be split, in a way that makes everyone comfortable. Because that’s what’ll save you from arguments around finances in the future. 

Is He Cheating Financially? [13:26]

Hiding your wealth, or not being transparent in terms of your assets when in a relationship is financial infidelity. It’s a form of deceit where you’ve kept a secret in the form of a hidden account, or a credit card, let’s say. If you’re going to share your life with someone; you’re going to have to have these conversations regardless of how uncomfortable they are. And be transparent about them. 

You have to be courageous about it. 

Let’s face it, talking about money isn’t always pleasant but if this is the person you choose for yourself, then it’s probably a good idea to get insight on their relationship with money. How did they grow up around money? What were their beliefs in relation to that? How did their parents handle the finances? Because all of this comes back as the relationship progresses.

The you that’s afraid today is going to be different than the you in 10, 20, or 30 years.

Marni shares her own personal experience with forming a financial plan with her partner. And she elaborates that while they’d already set up a plan when they’d first started out, fast-forward to 30 years later, where they’ve built a whole life together, and it’s time to revisit that plan. Your initial plan doesn’t have to be set in stone. It changes as your relationship evolves, much like everything else. 

When Gender Roles Come into Play [20:35]

Gender roles are constantly morphing with women gaining more independence financially, and a prominent presence within the working force. So, inevitably that plays a role in the dynamics. How you navigate that, however, is between you and your partner. But it needs to be discussed. 

Marni points to Raven who almost seems to expect SK to pay for everything. Even though she hammers on about being an independent woman, she expects SK, who’ll be doing grad school in Berkley, to pay for both her apartment in Texas and his apartment in Berkley. She doesn’t want to move in with him, but at the same time, she seems to be saying that once they’re engaged, he’ll have to pay for everything for her. The host and guests agree that her behavior is extreme. You can’t really have your cake and eat it. Well, unless you’ve discussed it with your partner and he’s okay with it but it’s still a red flag. So…maybe don’t do that. 

In any case though, it is important to acknowledge that your financial plan will evolve as your relationship does. And there’s no one-size fits all because every couple, family, and relationship is different, but you get to choose what works for you, even if it means bringing in a professional to help you sort it out. 

These conversations evolve as dating progresses. So, we’re talking about communication, negotiation and compromise.

Make a Connection:

 - Visit Our Website

 - Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

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Marni and Chris take a look at the interactions between the contestants on reality show, Love is Blind, to decipher the ranking code men have for women. Should it be abolished? What even is it based on? And why do we allow men to rank us to begin with? As they navigate through the show’s hottest drama, the duo discusses whether there is such a thing as too much honesty; why men do the things they do; and how women should respond to certain behavior. They ponder whether women are indeed from Venus, and men from Mars. Spoiler alert: they are, respectively. 

Takeaways from this episode:

• Down with the ranking system
• How much honesty is too much honesty?
• How to optimize what you have 
• The medium is the message
• Should you give stock to his intentions?
• What’s the open-casting approach?

The Open-casting Approach Should be a Lifestyle, Not a Trend [01:52]

First things first. The title, open-casting should be abolished, but the approach itself stays. So, what is the open-casting approach? It’s what Life Check Yourself podcaster Marni, and her many guests, have been preaching for over a decade now. And apparently, it’s recently become a trend on the dating scene. 

The approach entails dating with an open mind, rather than only dating according to your type. In keeping an open mind, and an open heart, while sticking to your core values, you cast a wider net. By doing that, you won’t miss out on meeting incredible people that might otherwise fly under your radar, if you’re too rigid with your criteria. 

It shouldn’t be a trend for 2023, I think that’s how you should be living your life; to be open, curious and optimistic. 

Open-casting should be a way of life when it comes to falling in love. Because when you start adding too many filters in terms of what you want in a person, inevitably your dating pool shrinks. And you could be missing out on great opportunities, regardless of their final outcome. 

Is He Too Honest? [04:45]

Bartiste and Cole are two men that are super honest on the show. But sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. So, how do we know where the balance lies and where the line is? 

It’s all about intention. Chris explains that a lot of the time, men don’t intend the comment to come off offensively. And that’s why it’s important to look at the intention behind the comment your partner is making. He goes on to note that a lot of men by nature are competitive, so when they’re compared to someone else, or given a certain criticism, it actually motivates them to do better. In turn, that’s the tactic they’ll use when trying to nudge their partner in the right direction. However, with women, that approach doesn’t necessarily work. So, how do we meet in the middle? It’s more about how you say something as opposed to what you’re actually saying. And of course, whether you’re saying it to put the person down, or to lift them up. 

The unavoidable truth is men and women are different in a lot of ways, which is what makes our interactions together that more interesting. Even when it comes to compliments, women don’t go about it the same way men do. Women are good with the subtle things, adds Chris. Men? Not so much. 

We’re so incredibly direct and blunt. And it’s just tough for us to articulate and dance that intricate beautiful dance that women just seem inherently good at. 

Abolish the Ranking System; Let Them Eat Cake [14:28]

While we all rank the person in front of us to a certain extent, this specific ranking system is more detrimental than it is constructive or even accurate. 

When discussing Cole and Bartiste, Marni points out that the way they offered rankings for the different women on the show was simply offensive. Because once you’ve put it out there; it becomes difficult for your partner to unsee it. Obviously, there’ll always be someone more attractive, just like there’ll be someone less attractive. But in this particular discussion, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When dating, it should be more about the person you’re with being who they are; their ranking – if we must have one – should automatically be a 10. And it’s not just because they’re physically attractive. It’s so much more than that. 

Like obviously I know when a woman is drop dead gorgeous, yeah, she’s a 10. But I’m your 10. 

Chris adds that men, himself included, will sometimes date a woman not necessarily because they see her as a 10, but because they know their friends will see her as such. And they’ll want to show off that they can get that 10. But regardless, the way men rank is binary and superficial. When it comes down to it, the actual ranking should come from knowing the person and should include so much more than the physical. Conclusion? Dump the ranking system – and the ones still using it while you’re at it. 

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Marni welcomes Dave Neal in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss what some of us could be doing wrong when it comes to dating. Using the contestants on the Bachelor as a point of reference, they talk about the different types of men (and women), and how they come off versus who they really are. Dave is a podcaster dubbed by Marni as the “King of Bachelor Nation”, and a stand-up comedian. Marni and Dave ponder why the behavior of some of the contestants hits so close to home. Falling in love is tough business, and sometimes you need to put in the work and accept that maybe you’re letting your ego get in the way. In this episode, the duo talks about how to look past the superficial, and who to give a chance to and when. And more importantly, why no one is living up to the idea you’ve built for yourself of the right person. Because sometimes it really is you, and not him. 

• Even pretty people have insecurities
• How to keep your ego from getting in the way
• Who are the ones you should root for?
• Get to know the person, not his CV
• How he handles rejection is a good indicator of who he is
• Intimidating and bossy isn’t a good color on you

What’s Your Security Currency [03:30]

Think of the word security. What images does it drum up? Each one of us has a specific perception of what security looks like. For some, it might be the high-paying job; for others it might be compassion. We each define security through our own unique lens, and that’s why it looks different for different people. 

Dave explains that regardless of all the varying definitions of the concept of security, it all boils down to energy and power. He goes on to paint a picture of the woman with the high-paying job, who for her, finding someone more creative is what she yearns for. Dave emphasizes that while we don’t always know exactly what we can do to be more attractive to someone else; we can glean much of what we do wrong by observing the behavior of the contestants on the Bachelor. And one of them is accepting that we’re all attracted to different things. What security looks like for one person, looks completely disparate to someone else.    

What’s more is that women also sometimes forget that men have the same fears, doubts, and worries that we all do. 

Women are dating and they have this illusion that if the guy is out of their league or really good-looking, that he’s not going to have insecurities and be human. 

This is a trap a lot of us fall into, where we need to remind ourselves that we’re all human; we’ve all got insecurities; we all second-guess ourselves; and we all fall short sometimes. 

Fall in Love with Values, Not a Bank Account [10:16]

A lot of women want it all and don’t want to make a compromise. They’re hyper focused on the financials rather than the values the person in front of them holds. At the end of the day, you’re building a life with a person, not with a bank account. We’ve seen this scenario unfold over and over again, not just on the bachelor but IRL, where women won’t give the person the time of day unless they’ve made it. 

Dave uses the example of Kate and Logan from the Bachelor, where she’s somewhat shallow and only looking for financial security. Logan is a filmmaker and a musician; he’s a creative. And he knows how to hold his own in a conversation. And yet Kate doesn’t find him “successful” enough. It’s not only about dating someone who’s made it, sometimes it’s about going through the journey with him, and believing in the person standing in front of you.

That’s one of the biggest mistakes that women make where the list of what they want is so high, and it’s not about values or who someone really is. 

People are multifaceted, and while it’s important to fall in love with the person and not the potential, it’s equally vital to look past the superficial, and really get into what this person has to give and who they are. We can’t all be billionaire hedge-fund scions, and maybe that’s a good thing. 

The Good Ones Know How to Handle Rejection [17:08]

How he handles rejection is a good indicator of who he is. Danny notes that with the women (and the men on the show), they’re all very good-looking. And for the women, IRL they probably don’t get rejected that often. Going off that, he explains that how you handle rejection, as a man or a woman, shows a different side of you. 

When talking about men specifically, the podcaster emphasizes that the ones who handle rejection well are more likely than not, one of the good ones. They’ve been rejected before; it’s not the end of the world. And to a certain extent, rejection humbles them. It allows them to put their ego aside.

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Marni and Chris analyze the couples on reality TV show, Love is Blind, and dig into how and why their behaviors change once they’re out of the pods. They draw parallels between the contestants’ actions on the reality show, and our own interactions with our partners when we’re dating IRL. Marni and Chris ponder why our insecurities manifest when we’re dating, and how they, in turn, affect the person in front of us. Asking the questions that matter, and giving us the answers, of course, the duo delve into the intricacies of romancing and all that comes with. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Get crystal clear on what you need

 - Is honesty always the best policy? 

 - Why are second dates scarier than first dates?

 - His words need to match his actions

 - How to let him tear that wall down

 - When to accept his apology 

He’s Projecting His Baggage Unto You [04:20]

After a certain age, we’ve all got baggage. And in a lot of scenarios, we project that baggage onto the person in front of us. That being said, sometimes what he says is not about you at all, but about his own insecurities. This was clearly the case with Shake and Deepti. Shake was consistently projecting his own baggage on Deepti. And it’s not necessarily that he was a D-bag; he just had low self-worth. Marni points out the time that Shake tried to find out Deepti’s weight by subtly asking if she’d be able to get up on his shoulders at the concert. However, it wasn’t so much that he was worried about her weight or size, but rather about his own size. It became clear that Shake felt like he was small, and projected that onto his partner on the reality show. 

This is the case IRL: the people with the lowest self-esteem are, a lot of the times, the same ones who are constantly picking apart someone else. In that case, it’s not you, it really is him. 

Why is Dating so Scary? [07:45]

Once out of the pods, it almost seemed like a lot of the contestants wanted to go back to how things were in their pods. And that’s not so different from real life, where we’re constantly wondering why our partner can’t be more like how they were in the beginning, when it all first started.  

Chris draws a similarity between leaving the pod and going on a second date. Leaving the pod is kind of like getting past the first date and actually realizing that the person likes you. He explains that the reason second dates are scarier than first dates is because of the expectation we put on ourselves. On a first date, it doesn’t really matter what happens. But once you make it to that second one, the takeaway from the first date is that you and that person like each other; they’re going to start finding out who you really are. It’s time to get deeper; it’s time for you to show up and get to know one another. And that can be terrifying, because it’s at that point that you’re scratching the surface of who the person really is. 

It’s almost like they want to climb back in that womb, and have that pod, that safety. It’s a safer place.  

Let Him to Tear Down That Wall [09:28]

Most of us have a wall built up; one that we’ve carefully cemented over the years after having our hearts broken over and over. But, how do we know when it’s time to let our partner break it down? 

When Alexa eventually decided to lean into Brennon, it was after she’d repeatedly put her flaws and insecurities out there.  She was constantly searching for validation from him, and it almost seemed like she was pushing him away. Once she realized that Brennon was here to stay, she eventually started trusting him and opening up. It was only when Brennon proved to be patient, and showed his vulnerability, that she, in turn, did the same. He didn’t get discouraged and he didn’t run for the hills. His actions matched his words. And Alexa heard him and gave in. There is a caveat though, it’s that line that we need to carefully tread between being upfront about who we are versus constantly droning on about our insecurities and whether the person can handle us. Marni explains that pushing someone away too much, and consistently, might sometimes go too far and you end up missing out. 

There comes a moment where you have to lean in and you have to trust yourself enough to know that even if it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be okay. 

When dating, going in with an open heart and mind sometimes pays off. Being curious and optimistic is difficult but worth it. That doesn’t have to be the case with every single guy, but trust yourself enough to know the difference, and that you’ll get back up if it doesn’t work out. After all, isn’t part of the beauty of falling in love is the risk that comes with it?

Make a Connection:

 - Visit Our Website

- Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

 - Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!

 - Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates