Life Check Yourself

Marni welcomes Jay Fields, who is an educator, a coach and an author, in the Life Check Yourself studio, to talk about how you can have your own back and learn to process your feelings instead of taking unhealthy coping mechanisms from childhood into your adulthood. Jay also gives Linked learning courses on managing your emotions at work and practices for regulating your nervous system and reducing stress. In this episode, the duo discuss how it is we can regulate ourselves and hold our feelings in a healthy way that we can then communicate to those around us. And it starts from an internal standpoint.

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Give people the right read

 - How to train your body to have a different reaction

 - Don’t pretzel yourself

 - How to differentiate between awareness and transformation

 - What are the practices that help you regulate?

 - Take responsibility

Do You Have Your Own Back? [01:53]

Having your own back is essential, especially in a society that rather teaches us to be smart, and to do what needs to be done without confronting our own experiences. 

When you don’t have your own back, the experience is more external, almost like you’re looking to someone else to tell you how you should act or react. It’s when you experience situations in terms of what you think people expect of you, and adapt to that expectation. Rather than setting boundaries, you turn into a chameleon to please those around you, be it socially or at work. 

Having your own back is first knowing that you have an experience that you can track, and then knowing how to be an advocate for that; and soothe yourself in that, whatever it is you need in that moment. 

The embodiment of not having your own back looks like you’re leaning outside of yourself; you’re not holding your own energy but rather you’re more concerned with what’s going on externally. And what happens is that you’re not quite there. And people, whether or not they’re aware of it, can feel it. It’s about how we hold ourselves from an energy standpoint. 

A person that doesn’t have their own back tends to have a dysregulated nervous system, and that can manifest in several ways. For an immobilized or a down regulated system, the person is like a turtle in a shell, they’re withdrawing. 

Be Soft [ 11:05]

When you’re dysregulated, one of the things to look at is what are the practices that help you regulate? And this differs from one person to the other. But a step towards regulating is bringing yourself back down enough, so that you have access to your thinking brain. 

When a person is dysregulated, they’re in survival mode. And the key to fixing it is tracking what’s happening within your own body. Once you’ve managed to do that and be aware of it, then you can use that knowledge to craft what you might want to say in the way that you want to say it. 

It’s about understanding what you felt at any given moment, and acknowledging that feeling. It’s about how you can soothe it, which is different than actually regulating. Soothing is speaking truth to power. 

A lot of women tend to skip the soothing step and either try to get it from someone else, or decide to become super self-sufficient with an’I don’t need anyone, I can take care of myself’ attitude. 

You’ve regulated, you’ve soothed then it’s the do I need to advocate in some way?

When it comes to advocating for it, being mindful of exactly what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it will go a long way in helping you communicate it to the person in front of you. 

We want some softness in this. And the softness is, I can be there for myself and I know how to then speak from that to the person. 

Acknowledge Those Big Feelings [18:10]

A lot of us when faced with an uncomfortable or a difficult feeling tend to go down two routes; either how can I fix this? Or what can I do to distract myself from this? 

These are templates that were ingrained in us from childhood through one of our caregivers. And it wasn’t done with ill-intent. It’s the scenario when a child goes to their caregiver with a problem, and the immediate reaction is how can they fix this for them? Or what can they do to make them feel better?

Whereas when the first response to your feelings is acknowledgment, and the space to talk about how a particular situation made you feel, you learn to be able to understand that feeling and take a different approach with you into adulthood, rather than jumping into action. 

You get met in the feeling first, you take a bit and then you realize you’re not weird for having this feeling, and it’s not uncommon. 

Make a Connection:

 - Jay Fields’ Website

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Marni welcomes Sherianna Boyle, best-selling author of Emotional Detox and founder of Emotional Detox Cleansing, to Life Check Yourself to delve into the process of manifestation and what it actually means. Sherianna’s book the Four Gifts of Anxiety was also endorsed by the National Association of Mental Health, and she’s helped thousands of people on their journey to process and detox their emotions. In this episode, the pair look at what it actually means to manifest, and how our energies work in synergy towards that. Human beings are actually in a state of manifestation 24/7, and when it comes to the process, two things are required: energy and action. But what does action in that framework mean? And how do we define it?

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Your emotions are important

 - Manifesting as energy and action

 - How to hold your emotions

 - We’re always manifesting

 - Don’t attach yourself to outcome

 - We’re conditioned to action

We’re in Constant State of Change [04:18]

Energy is consciousness; it’s inner movement. When your energy is in motion, you feel more relaxed. And when your energy is in action, things are moving internally, from a vibrational standpoint. 

Growing up, society teaches us that we need to control our emotions. Whether it’s at work, at home, or within the context of social interaction, we’re taught that we almost need to suppress our emotions and get on with the day. If you’re having a bad day, it doesn’t matter; there’s no time to process because you need to pick up the kids from school or you have a deadline at work, and so on and so forth. 

What happens then is that you don’t allow your emotions to go into the processing stage, and you end up suppressing whatever you’re feeling and sweeping it under the rug. However, when you allow your emotions to be in flow, you’re giving them permission to exist. These emotions then give you information about your life, because that’s when naturally, your intuition quicks in and acts as a guide. When both your energy is in flow and your intuition is in flow, that’s your energy in action. 

There is no such thing as being stuck; energy is always in motion; it’s always reshaping and reforming itself. 

Human beings are always in a state of change. As human beings, when we don’t see things moving on the outside, in terms of action, we assume nothing is happening. But that’s not true. There is constantly something happening beneath the surface. It's just that it hasn’t made its way to the physical plane yet. 

A lot happens when we allow our energy to move; when we allow our emotions to be processed. Intuition starts kicking in. A lot is at work underneath the scene because manifesting takes place on another plane, so we’re on another level of consciousness, it just hasn’t trickled down to the physical yet. 

Let’s Manifest [ 14:08]

Everything that’s happening outside of you is actually happening inside of you. It’s like a mirror. One of the laws Sherianna discusses is the law of correspondence which is that the external is mimicked within the internal. 

If you’re going through a busy period in your life, internally you might feel less settled, you might have some chaotic energy. The author goes on to explain that energy is in action when we begin to work on the inside. And the laws that she delves into in her books cover how you can learn to understand these energies and process those emotions. 

The thing about manifesting is that these laws all work together. 

You can transform any emotion, whether its frustration or anger, into a sense of calm, peace, and grounded-ness. It’s the law of transmutation. It’s in understanding the role of energy and learning through certain practices how to process these emotions that you reach that space. And part of the journey is understanding the energy of faith, which is having faith and trusting the process. 

Now we’re talking frequency and vibration, so what I’m feeling around this whole thing is that as you download trust, have faith. You have to trust your intuition, you follow it. And it’s not always comfortable to follow your intuition. 

Reconnecting with the Source Energy [21:30]

A big part of manifesting requires faith. It also requires, as per the law of detachment, to not attach ourselves to outcomes – a mistake a lot of us make. 

A lot of times, we put ourselves on a timeline with a deadline for our healing, or our growth. But there is no timeline, healing and growth looks different for different people. The law of polarity teaches that we can experience the opposite of something else. So, the opposite of having a timeline is space, it’s having freedom. And when you’re in alignment with the spiritual law of polarity, you’re going to find that you’ve loosened your grip a bit on those timelines. 

It’s important to acknowledge and remind ourselves that it’s all based on source energy. It’s about going back to that source energy which some people call God, others call the creator or the universe. When we’re feeling like something’s not working or like we keep checking to see when it’ll happen, it’s because we’re separated from the source energy. 

Because when we’re with the source, we’re in oneness and it just is. There is no this or that, no us or them. It’s just we’re all one. 

Make a Connection:

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Marni and Chris look at the relationships, from beginning to end, that define reality series, Love is Blind, in an effort to glean the take-aways that can be applied within our own dating lives. As the series comes close to its end, the duo discusses episodes 43 to 50 where we see more drama unraveling with relationships coming to an end, and new ones blossoming, while others persist still. Navigating through the early stages of a relationship isn’t easy. What should you do when he all of a sudden loses interest? Do you confront him? Do you speak to your friends when you’ve already gotten the answer you need? A big part of dating is taking cues and being able to pick up on the actions of your partner, and what they mean for you. Understanding how to react to this person, your own insecurities, and theirs is part and parcel of the dating world. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Don’t wait around for him to decide

 - How to be rejection-proof?

 - Don’t Give Him All the Power

 - The roots create the fruit

 - Relationships are season

 - Don’t overcompensate 

Act Like it, Don’t Say it [01:35]

Using the example of Cassie and Claudia, Marni explains that telling a man you’re not an option is different than acting it. Claudia waited around for Cassie to make his decision then confronted him, which pushed him even further away and right into Rosie’s arms. She made the decision easy for him. Now, that’s not to say that we shouldn’t confront someone who's hurt us but there’s a way to do it. And that’s not to say that the outcome would’ve been different for Cassie and Claudia, but she would’ve saved herself a lot of pain had she done it differently. 

If someone has shown you, through their actions, that they’re not interested or they’re interested in someone else, don’t wait around for them to make it clearer. What happened with Claudia is that she started to overcompensate and lean in too much. 

If you’re going to get the same result anyway, hold your head up high, and actually act like you’re not a second option. Don’t just say it, act it. 

We’ve all been in similar situations where we’ve dated or been with someone who can’t make up their mind. And the way forward isn’t necessarily to avoid talking to them about it, but it’s about confronting them with the notion that you’re not going to stick around, and that you don’t need them. 

What we mean by leaning in is that you’re able to be vulnerable but like a red wood tree where you’re grounded, confident, and your worthiness isn’t based on anyone else’s behavior or judgment. So, you have this resilience. 

Trees can lean; they can sway but they never topple over. Regardless of the outcome, Claudia could have saved herself the extra heartache and the time had she removed herself from the situation earlier. And that’s a trap a lot of women fall into, where they don’t always know when it’s time to leave. And even when they do, they stay a little longer out of hope or the idea they’ve built of that person. 

Consensus Building; Just Don’t [10:53]

It’s something we’re all guilty of, where we’ll speak to our partner then go speak to all of our friends, our social circles, our friend’s boyfriends and so on. We turn to so many people for advice, and end up confused by all the different answers. It becomes a medley of what we want to do; what we know what we should do; and what so and so thinks we should do.  

An example of this is when Rosie speaks to Cassie about how he’s being with her, to which he gives an answer that seems to appease her. She then goes on to talk to her social circle and is given an opinion that may or may not work for her. 

When you’re consensus building, take stalk of who you’re asking. 

Different people have different opinions, it’s normal. Rosie got her opinion from Ron, who’s M.O in the beginning was to not communicate, whereas she seems like someone who’s communicative. With that being said, if you’re someone who has the courage to be direct and have the conversation then do it, and see what your partner says. And then from that, see how he behaves as things progress. Rather than going to so many different people to ask their opinion. 

Consensus building is probably one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. If you see yourself doing it, just notice that you’re doing it to soothe your hypervigilant amygdala that is scared and triggered. 

Does Your PDA Style Say Something? [22:05]

Everyone has a different way of showing affection. For some, a kiss in public is great; for others it’s uncomfortable. It’s important to get these questions out of the way early on in the relationship so that you know your partner’s style. 

When discussing Ron and Lana, Marni points out that they don’t partake in a lot of PDA. But does your partner not being into public displays of affection actually mean something about the relationship? Christ points out that women are usually the ones who define the relationship vibe. When it comes to Ron and Lana, that’s just the pace they’re going at and who they are. But they might actually be the ones to make it do the end even if they kiss like pensioners. 

Either way, know what your partner’s PDA style is and that it doesn’t necessarily speak to how much they care about you on a deeper level. Some people are comfortable with PDA and others aren’t! That’s just how it is.  

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Marni welcomes Crystal Ware, podcast host and former fortune 500 corporate leader who left it all behind to pursue her dreams, at the Life Check Yourself studio. The pair looks at what it means to actually pursue your goals, and the barriers that stop us from being that version of ourselves. Crystal delves into the process that puts us on the path of achieving our vision, whatever it may be. A step towards getting there is asking the hard questions, learning to let go of that fear, and getting clear on where it is that we want to be. They discuss the journey with its ups and downs, and how the failures and rejections actually shape the destination. It’s not about having that golden streak, or getting it right from the first go, but rather about shifting our self-belief and putting in the work. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Courage comes before commitment 

 - Keep showing up 

 - It starts with one decision

 - How to deal with the illusion of time

 - Work on your self-belief

 - How to recognize your value

Ask The Big Questions [01:45]

Crystal, who had a shining career in corporate, speaks from experience when she narrates her journey towards pursuing her dream. In today’s world, we’re distracted by everything that sparkles and shines; we’ve all ended up chasing the comfortable set-up thinking that’s what we’re meant to be doing. And it works for some but not everyone. When you feel stunted, stuck, and it almost feels like you were meant for more, or for something else; it’s time to ask the hard questions. 

For Crystal, the seed was born during the pandemic. While she was happy with her life in general, there were aspects of her professional life that stopped being fulfilling – a situation that a lot of us can relate to where confinement forced us inwards, and pushed us to introspect on our lives. 

And that’s what it was, a chance to look inwards. But where and how do you start? It’s by taking the time to ask the big questions, looking into what you actually want and what you want your life to look like. What are the things you need to be investing in more, be it in terms of energy or time, to get to that dream?

It’s easy to forget how profoundly that time [the pandemic] impacted all of us. 

Sit and reflect on what you want out of life; figure out what is the legacy you want to leave behind. It’s not necessarily going to be an easy shift but it is worth it. It requires work. And once you’ve taken a step back and looked at how you can progress towards that goal you eventually want to reach, then you can take actionable steps. It’s not about right now, it’s not even about tomorrow, it’s about where you want to be in 10 years. 

So, break away from the stereotypes that you’ve had of yourself in order to become the person you want to be and are destined to be. 

It wasn’t just about saying, ‘okay I know I want to go somewhere different but [looking at] where that was headed. And that helped a lot in defining my vision for my life, my goals and how I was actually going to go about achieving them. 

The Three C’s [ 11:15]

Get clarity, get confident and find the courage. You get clarity by being clear on what it actually is that you want to do. You build the confidence to take action. And then you find the courage to do it. It’s a process; it’s not magic. 

Where is the internal shift to say that I don’t need to keep recreating from the patterns of that lack of belief in myself? That is the thing to say, that’s the defining moment. 

What stands in the way of clarity is fear. It’s a fear we’ve either had built in from our childhood, our past experience or our view of ourselves. It’s being able to break free from the shackles of our past patterns that’ll eventually lead us to take the first step towards that goal. Being unable to vocalize or envision that dream sometimes stems from a fear of saying out loud. 

Crystal talks about the iceberg impact, and she uses the example of social media where we only see the surface of what’s going on, not what went into getting to that stage. There’s hard work behind success, there’s belief in one’s self, there’s also sleepless nights figuring out what you want, moments of doubts where you’re not sure you’ve made the right decision. But all these moments, good and bad, are part of the journey. 

The journey is as important, if not more, than the actual getting there.

90% of people make it look easy because they’ve worked hard at it, but it’s a process. At the end of the day, letting go of that fear, getting clear on what you want, and vocalizing is part of the journey. Whether or not it sounds possible to someone else doesn’t matter. If that’s what you want, then own it, put in the work and go for it. And say it out loud. 

Find Your Cheerleader [18:21]

A support system is important regardless of who it is. Sometimes, you’ll find it within your inner circle, and sometimes you won’t. But that being said, even those closest to you, be it your partner, your sibling, or your family, are not setting out to hold you back. They care for you, and perhaps don’t understand what you’re doing, and what may be perceived as negativity on their part is more about looking out for you. It’s about having a fear of getting your feelings hurt; or being devastated by rejection or failure. But failure and rejection are part of the process. It doesn’t mean everyone is going to understand that. So, find the person who does, and keep them close. It matters. 

Understand that growth is coming from the things that don’t work, and having to confront that. 

You are able to achieve what you want, but it’s a question of having someone to remind you in the moments where you forget. It could be a friend or a coach, but that support system is one of the things that’ll help you get to where you need to be. 

It’s grounding for me to know that I can truly be who I am, in all forms and shapes, and there’s not going to be judgment there. 

Make a Connection:

Crystal’s Website

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Marni and Chris take a deep dive into the interpersonal relationships that define the reality series, Love is Blind, to unveil what is sometimes said (or unsaid) through your partner’s actions. A person will tell you exactly who they are or what they want by how they behave with you. As the series nears its end, and the couples are the pivotal point of whether they’ll make it or break it, the duo ponder what we can learn from our reality series’ cohorts. They look at the nifty tips that we can take into our own dating lives by studying the lows and the highs, the ups and downs, and all the drama that unfolds between the couples. Part of navigating the dating world is being able to read the person in front of you and to pick up on what they’re telling you either through their actions (or lack thereof). 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - He’s a good communicator

 - Don’t dive in head first 

 - The first cut is the deepest 

 - How to be secure in your attachment style 

 - Is he consistent in how he shows up? 

 - Don’t be an option

I Met The Most Amazing Guy Syndrome [05:15]

We’ve all fallen into this trap at some point or other. We meet a guy; we’re taken with him; he seems to be everything we’d ever dreamed of; we’re all in emotionally before ever being all in, in reality. We’ve decided this person is our knight in shining armor, our prince charming. And that’s when we begin to write off everyone else, and miss out on opportunities in exchange for the idea of the person that we’ve built in our heads. We envision our whole future with them, and as a result, we end up closing ourselves to other potentially better-suited partners. 

There’s only one way you can fall when you push a guy up to this magical, mythical prince charming [pedestal]. No way is he living up to that fairytale. 

Putting someone on a pedestal and expecting them to live up to it is unfair for both you and the person. It ends with disappointment, because it’s an ideal and not the reality of the situation. It’s these unrealistic expectations of who this person could be rather than who they are. 

When comparing the couples on Love Island, Marni points out that Shaq and Tanya get together from the get-go, and a whole lot of drama ensues. Whereas Ron and Lana take their time to actually get to know each other. Granted, Ron was more vocal about still wanting to date other people while Lana wasn’t too thrilled about it. Ultimately though, they chose each other, not by looking through that rose-tinted lens of who a person could be but rather the knowledge of who the person actually is. 

Know When to Leave [08:20]

Cassie and Claudia are an example of not knowing when to leave. Claudia keeps getting her feelings hurt by Cassie in that he’s wishy-washy when it comes to choosing her. And she still ends up taking him back. 

That doesn’t necessarily mean that Cassie is the bad guy; it just means that he’s shown her who he is, what he wants, and how he operates. Chris points out that Claudia lacks confidence and that it’s in these particular situations that her insecurities seem to surface, which is understandable. It’s a situation we’re all prone to be in. 

When a partner isn’t giving you what you want, leave. If he’s treating you like an option, rather than telling him you won’t be treated as such, show him that you won’t. 

At the end of the day, no one should be a second option. 

Don’t Get Involved in the Drama, Period [17:29]

It’s tempting to want to come to your partner’s rescue, especially when it’s a friend that’s hurt them. But should you actually get involved when it’s something that’s been told to you in confidence? 

When you’re dating someone, you want to see how they show up consistently over time, and when you start to introduce someone you’re dating to your friends, then you can start to see how they interact with your friends, and your family. 

Marni and Chris discuss the example of Will and his partner, Jessie. Will tells her in confidence that one of his friends has hurt him. What she then does is confront the friend. That tactic backfires when Will calls her out for not keeping what he told her between them. 

Sometimes, the person you’re with just wants to vent; they just need a shoulder to cry on; or someone to listen to them. Your partner confiding in you about drama between his friends or family isn’t necessarily an opening for you to take action and come to their defense. Because sometimes it ends up doing more damage than good. Case in point: Will and Jessie. 

Chris clarifies that perhaps there are certain things that should remain unsaid especially considering the context where everyone is in a close space, and maybe a few drinks are involved. What ends up happening is that in the heat of the moment, your partner may react in a certain way that aggravates the situation. 

At the end of the day, Jessie had a natural reaction but she probably shouldn’t have acted on it. Just stay out of your man’s drama. 

Make a Connection:

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Marni and Chris put the relationships of the contestants on reality series, Love Island, under the microscope to see how their interpersonal dynamics mimic dating IRL. Diving into questions like how to recognize a real connection, and what dating etiquette dictates, the duo ponders the meaning of love in the 21st century. Much of the way in which the contestants behave towards each other on the series is an imitation of our own actions when we’re falling for someone, or trying to suss them out. It’s about knowing when and how to let go; and whether or not the person in front of you is actually interested. Defining the context of your relationship seems relatively easy in theory, but when feelings are involved, things inevitably get a little messy. And nowhere is that more apparent than on Love Island. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - How to earn back trust

 - Have appropriate expectations 

 - Beware of the self-fulling prophecy

 - Should you forgive him?

 - Don’t shut down

 - Have the exclusivity conversation

But I Thought We Had a Connection… [02:56]

Dating is, for the most part, all about figuring out what you want and how the person in front of you is responding to those wants. Is it reciprocated? And if it is, what actually is it? A lot of us fall into the trap where we feel a connection with someone, and then realize the other person is out there dating while we’ve decided to give them all of our attention. At that point, we start second-guessing whether the connection was real. 

But at the end of the day, having the conversations that matter are what will guide you in the right direction. When you’ve not discussed being exclusive, or if it’s early on in the relationship, that’s when the lines sometimes get blurry. That’s not to say that the person in front of you is a bad person or doesn’t care. And that’s also not to say that you should invalidate your own feelings. What’s important is looking at the intention behind that person’s action; it’s figuring out why you felt hurt by a particular behavior, and get clear on what that means for you. Because it’s then that you’re able to understand the context and the nature of that relationship, and what boundaries should or shouldn’t be set. 

Instead of the rules of the game, I like to say the context of the world that dating is. It’s a culture in and of itself. 

Dating can be messy, and it has its own set of etiquette that’s different from relationship etiquette. While Cassie and Claudia had a connection on the series, they went into Casa Amor with the understanding that they would see what happens. Meanwhile Cassie flirted and kissed someone else. But does that mean their connection wasn’t real? 

While some women might feel uncomfortable going on different dates with other people when they’ve felt a connection with a person; it doesn’t necessarily mean that if the person doesn’t follow suit, that they don’t care. What’s more is that it’s important to go on dates with different people, because it’s a learning curve. It’s a chance for you to find out what it is you want (or don’t want) in your own relationship. And it is possible to have several connections with several people. But the goal is that you’re searching for the best kind. And when you limit yourself, you end up missing out on understanding what you actually need and what works best for you. 

It’s about taking the time to see those through, and figuring out which is the best connection for your actual relational needs: your intimacy, your emotions, your mind. Because not all men are going to meet all those requirements. And that’s why we have non-negotiables. 

Every Little Thing That We Do, Should be Between Me and You [12:40]

Dating according to what other people expect from you is not only exhausting for you but for your partner as well. A lot of the time, we somehow become more concerned with what the people around us think of our relationship, and how being with that certain person will reflect on us, rather than how we feel about the relationship itself. It’s that energy where you’re more interested in what your parents, your friends and your general environment think of your relationship. 

Chris emphasizes that men, for the most part, already find dating confusing, without having to bring outsiders into the mix as well. It inevitably complicates things.

We can’t solve one side of the rubik’s cube, don’t be a million-sided rubik’s cube. 

And this happens in the dating world, where you’re not just dating your partner but a whole other set of people who indirectly dictate how you’ll act and react within the confines of the relationship. You could end up missing out on something potentially great if you don’t learn to tune out all the white noise.

In The Doghouse [20:46] 

A lot of people are guilty of this behavior where they’ll get hurt and just shut down. And rather than talking to their partner, they’ll end up withholding and stone-walling the person in front of them 

It’s an easy pattern to fall into. It’s almost like they’re punishing the person for their behavior, and then waiting for them to come back with a grand gesture that proves how much they actually want them. Rather than just confronting the person.

It’s so easy. It’s important to acknowledge that’s the safe place, we go down-under, we dive out so that we’re protected, and it’s silent, it kind of clears out the noise, and it’s a temporary respite from that scariness. 

Most of the time it’s because you need clarity on the relationship. It’s more important though to be honest with yourself, and dissect what you felt when XYZ happened and why you felt it. And communicate it to the person involved. 

Will was a great example of the knight in shining armor who realized he’d hurt his partner, and wanted to make it right. On the other hand, his partner did verbalize her feelings without necessarily adding blame. However, you choose to communicate your feelings in that situation though, it’s important to resolve the issue before diving back in. 

To just feel the chemistry or that pull with someone without dealing with the core issue is why we end up getting in these ruts over and over again. 

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Marni welcomes Whitney Goodman, the psychotherapist behind the widely popular Instagram account Sit With Whit, to look into why toxic positivity should be dismantled and what methods should be put into place instead. Having just released her debut book, Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, Whitney breaks down the psychology behind toxic positivity and society’s need to constantly be happy. The duo discusses how learning to speak to yourself or someone going through a challenging situation is one of the first steps to pulling apart this constant need to be in a good place. In allowing ourselves to feel what we feel, even when it’s negative, we begin to live authentically. A life well-lived is not one without suffering or pain, contrary to popular belief. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - What are empathy blockers?

 - Validation is key

 - Why do we always feel the need to look on the bright side?

 - Happiness isn’t a destination 

 - How to eliminate toxic positivity

 - Throw out the positive platitudes

Learn to Sit With the Discomfort [02:26]

Our go-to when we’re feeling down or when someone we love is hurting is to immediately try and fix the situation by convincing ourselves or them to look on the bright side. It’s something that’s done, almost as a reflex both internally and within our relationships. And it can be toxic.  

It’s this notion of wanting to get back to that happy place, rather than actually feel what we’re feeling. And it’s that foundational belief that drives us to immediately force ourselves to look at the positives or minimize whatever it is that’s bothering us. Enter toxic positivity.

I think that’s what drives most of the toxic positivity. It’s that ‘I want to be helpful; I want to help the other person feel better, and I want to get out of this uncomfortable space.’ We have to learn to sit with discomfort. 

Whitney iterates that for the most part, a person going through something just wants their partner, or their friend to be with them in their experience, and let them know that they’re not going anywhere. Letting the person in front of you know that you’ve got their back, and that they don’t have to go through it alone is ultimately what matters. But as a society, we need to learn to be okay with not being okay sometimes. It’s understanding that life is about living meaningfully, which comes with feelings of sadness or angst at certain points. It’s not about being happy 24/7. 

The Road to Toxic Positivity is Paved With Good Intentions [ 09:49]

While most of us revert to (toxic) positivity with good intentions, the damages are palpable. Repeating these positive platitudes that we’ve all grown accustomed to hearing and giving is not necessarily what a person going through a rough time is looking for. It’s important rather to validate the difficulty of the situation, and try to understand how that person feels. Asking how they want you to show up for them goes a long way, and that’s bearing in mind that sometimes they won’t necessarily have the answer themselves. And that’s okay, too. 

These positive statements that we’re constantly saying on loop, are not necessarily negative in and of themselves, but it’s in relation to the context and the timing in which they’re being said. Because hearing “it’ll turn out okay”, or “everything happens for a reason” when you’re going through a bout of depression, or struggling with feelings of grief, won’t make a difference when it comes to the weight you currently feel like you’re carrying on your shoulders. 

How to Show up [18:50]

When your partner or someone you love is going through a challenge, they sometimes can’t verbalize their needs at that particular moment, simply because they don’t know what they want or what would alleviate the situation. It’s something we’ve all felt at one point or another. Asking too many questions can be aggravating when you don’t even have the answer to one. So, how do you show up for them in the way you’re supposed to?

In these instances, Whitney explains that it’s important to regulate yourself and your reaction. Rather than think, ‘I’ve done this exactly the way I’m supposed to, why isn’t it working?”, remind yourself that it isn’t about you. The person in front of you is the one feeling dysregulated. 

Take a step back and understand that people are allowed to feel their feelings, and in whichever way suits them. And that applies to you, too. It’s this concept of allowing the person to be where they are in that moment. And reminding yourself that it’s got nothing to do with you. 

You taking care of you when someone is not feeling great is just as important as you not trying to silver-line it or make them feel better. Control the things you can control. 

This is especially the case in relationships, when one partner comes home and has just had a bad day, and their spouse immediately goes into “fix it” mode, then gets upset when they don’t manage to actually fix it. Sometimes, your partner is just having a bad day because they are. And we’re all allowed to have moments when we’re in a bad mood, or just not feeling the day. That’s life. 

Make a Connection:

Whitney’s Good Enough Program: https://sitwithwhit.substack.com/

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Marni and Chris examine the dynamics in the relationships that make up the reality series, Love Island, to get a grasp on the faux-pas when it comes to dating. Dissecting the little tricks that we all do when out in the dating world, the duo ponders questions of love, betrayal, conflict and loyalty. Much of the way in which the contestants behave on the series is mimicked in our own behavior IRL. The insecurities that rear their heads just as soon as we’ve started to get comfortable with someone or the constant worry of whether or not we should trust him, are some of the questions that keep us all up at night when falling in love. How the contestants on Love Island interact with each other is a treasure trove of lessons as to the dos and don’ts in our own dating lives. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Be aloof, but not too aloof

 - How to hit that spot between sexy and sweet 

 - Don’t compare him to your ex

 - How does he handle an issue?

 - How to deal with conflict

 - Vulnerability is never easy

Does Making Him Jealous Actually Work? [01:50]

We’ve all been there at one point or other; hurt and ready for retaliation. The go-to move for a lot of women is to make him jealous. But does that tactic actually work? Perhaps sometimes but for all the wrong reasons. It is a strategy of manipulation, jealousy and insecurity. 

When discussing the jealousy tactic, Marni brings up Cassie, whom Lana uses to make Ron jealous. But to what end? The thing is with that particular tactic, other than the obvious unethicality of using someone else as a means to an end, is that the issues that made you break-up in the first place aren’t resolved. Making him jealous won’t make him treat you better the second time around.  

However, answering the questions that made you resort to that strategy in the first place might: Why aren’t you together? Why didn’t he treat you right from the beginning? Do you really want to be with someone who only appreciates you when you’re with someone else? 

Don’t Bring Your Girls Into It [11:00]

Dragging your girlfriends or a friend into a conflict that you have with your partner is never a good idea. Not only will it seem like you’re ganging up on him but it’s also quite hurtful. 

Referring to the example of Tanya and Shaq, where Tanya calls in her friend as she confronts him, Chris clarifies that that type of behavior, albeit prone to happen, is not acceptable. What happens in this scenario is that Shaq then goes on to tell Tanya never to put him in this type of situation again. Tanya in turn takes this as a sign of Shaq restricting the way she chooses to communicate. But was Shaq actually in the wrong? 

There really is never a reason to criticize or correct your mate in front of a third party. It’s more effective to pull him aside. 

Rather than put him on blast, it makes more sense to confront him privately and not corner him. It’s just in bad taste and won’t resolve the issue. While Shaq in this situation did a good job of setting the tone, it could’ve been articulated better. He wasn’t precise about the part that actually hurt him, which was Tanya calling him out in front of other people. And it’s a common mistake, we all get into situations where we’re unable to express ourselves in the exact manner we’d like to. 

Russian Roulette But Make it Vulnerability [16:45]

Being vulnerable is scary; it’s hard; and it’s stressful. You’re required to put your insecurities out there and hope that the person in front of you is able to hold them, or at the very least, not run for the hills. And actually, crossing that line where we end up putting ourselves out there, while liberating, can sometimes make us act out of character. 

Marni mentions Will and Jessie’s relationship in that it was going smoothly, but then once they made it to Casa Amor, it seemed like Will was leaning towards exploring his options. These were two people who shared their vulnerabilities with each other. And yet…

We get into a relationship and we’re afraid of getting hurt. We’re afraid of overextending. We’re sharing our vulnerability. 

We’re all imperfect human beings carrying a load of insecurities and fears. And the more we let someone in, the easier it is to panic. Questions like have they deleted their dating apps? Do I love them more than they love me? start infiltrating our psyche. 

I always want people to look at the energy he’s sort of bringing and meet their energy. 

Whether he’s the serious type or not, believe his actions, believe his energy. And once you’ve figured that out, check in with yourself and from there decide what you should do. 

I think that if someone likes you more than you like them, you want to check in with yourself and really figure out what’s either in the way or what you need to do to get on the same page. 

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Marni welcomes Dr. Shawn Haywood, founder and owner of Reimagine Love, in the Life Check Yourself studio, to discuss how to reignite the spark, and adopt a conflict-free relationship. Dr. Shawn, who’s worked in the field for over 23 years, delves into the tools and tips for learning to reverse-engineer your relationship and get back to that happy place. In this episode, the duo talks about what it takes to make a relationship work and how we, sometimes, self-sabotage by constantly repeating the same patterns on an individual level. This behavior inevitably seeps into our romantic life. By setting up certain systems with your partner, to undo what years of unconscious habit-building have brought on, couples can find that fight-free space together. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - How to break bad habits 

 - Create your own unique system

 - Start a problem list 

 - How to reconnect when you’re disconnecting 

 - Let go of blame 

 - Don’t manage conflict, outgrow it 

Lay Down Your Emotional Weapons [03:32]

It’s not about managing the conflict; it’s about outgrowing it both on an individual level and as a couple. Outgrowing it doesn’t mean ignoring it, or overwriting it, or even putting it in your hidden little black box. It requires you to actually identify and grow out of it. By putting your weapons, in this case emotional weapons, aside, you begin to grow within the relationship. 

Dr.Shawn clarifies that 80% of the work she does with couples begins with the person themselves. Identifying your emotional weapons, and what triggers them, and then putting them down, opens up room for you to not only to communicate better, but to pick up other skills you otherwise wouldn’t have. 

Sharing a personal anecdote, the doctor talks about an incident when her partner had done the dishes but hadn’t cleaned out the sink. Instead of thanking him for the dishes, she shamed him, and the fight went on to spiral into an argument about other issues. In this scenario, her emotional weapon was shame – one we’ve all been guilty of doling out at one point or another. Learning to put that down meant that she grew to become more appreciative and grateful for the things that were actually there. In outgrowing the conflict, you’re also growing on an internal level. 

These things are patterns, and if we don’t repair them or revise how we hold these conflicts, we’ll just keep repeating them. And it’s repetition that causes the problems. 

With relationships, it’s just as important to look inwards as it is to look outwards. Identifying and getting out of your own patterns allows you to shift your outlook. Every fight has blame, and letting go of that blame is a good starting point. Take accountability and realize it’s not about blame but rather about resolution. 

Stop Trying Harder [ 11:01]

Yup, this isn’t a typo. Stop.Trying.Harder. Practice makes perfect is a sentence that has been repeated to us over and over again. We were constantly told that in order to achieve something, we need to keep trying harder, and harder, and harder. 

But does that always work? And does practice actually make perfect? Or rather does it allow us to make certain traits or mistakes more permanent? 

The concept of practice makes permanent, as per Dr.Shawn, stems from the belief that repeating the same thing over and over again, even when it’s a mistake, makes it stick; makes it permanent. It’s almost like we’ve mastered that mistake or that character trait. And that’s part of the reason, we find it so hard to break out of habits. 

From a neurological perspective, anger elicits the release of a number of chemicals, like dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline. Our bodies then crave that release constantly. Unless we learn how to manage these chemicals and unwire them from these negative emotions or behaviors, we start forming a pattern in chase of that “feeling.” 

Our brain is designed for sameness, because [staying the same] uses the least amount of energy.

Women in society, especially perfectionists and high-achieving women, have been socialized into believing that the solution is to constantly try harder at the same thing. However, that tactic is in some cases counterproductive and holds us back. Being intentional in the habits we want to keep requires intentionality and repetition; it requires setting up systems that help us achieve that goal whether that’s to add permanence to a certain trait or decrease permanence to another one. 

[With a system], we have something that we can count on so that our body, mind and spirit can get out of this trap, this pattern that we stay in. 

Catching More Flies With Honey, Not Vinegar [18:27]

Sometimes it’s the medium not the message. That’s to say the way with which you present an idea or concept goes a long way. When setting up systems as a couple, it’s important for both involved to be on the same wavelength in terms of the effort being put in. When one person is intentionally growing, while the other isn’t doing the work, the process starts stagnating and even veering towards a trouble zone. But who can you convince your partner?

Men respond to logic. If what’s being told to them makes sense, and is framed as more of an invitation rather than a demand, they’re more likely to be on board. 

There has to be an opportunity that is more about an invitation to join the party, whatever the party is. Doing it in a way that’s inviting and loving is all about radical self-responsibility. 

Radical self-responsibility is the notion of taking accountability in how you choose to experience your life, and that extends to how you choose to approach your partner as well. 

Make a Connection:

Shawn’s Website

Shawn’s Living For Love book

Find Shawn on IG: @DrShawnHaywood

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Marni and Chris look at the relationships and friendships that define the reality series, Love is Blind, to better understand our own behavior on the dating scene.  The contestants on the series are archetypes of dating that we are prone to meet when out in the world on our quest to find love. What are the tell-tale signs of the man who’ll break your heart? Is the mysterious type so attractive? And how can you pick up on the warning signs before walking into yet another train wreck? The duo ponders over the do’s and don’ts of coupling up, and what the traits we should be looking out for by taking a deep-dive into the contestants most obnoxious and most loveable characteristics. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - He’s not straightforward

 - How to tell if he’s an F-boy 

 - Does he act the same with everyone else?

 - Don’t dismiss the goofball

 - What are Boomerang boys?

 - How to tell if he’s actually a good listener 

Are You Actually Seen or Is He Just That Good? [06:50]

We’ve all been duped by an F-boy. We know the type: when you’re with him, it almost seems like you’re the only one he has eyes for; his attention is undivided; and he knows just what to say and how to look at you. Enter Love is Blind contestant, Tom. 

Tom says all the right things (on a superficial level) and looks at you in a way that makes your heart melt. He has a knack for making all the women on the series feel valued, at first glance. But is he actually giving anything of himself?

Chris argues that Tom never actually reveals anything of himself, going so far as to say that he’s actually the opposite of what the women perceive him to be. He’s the archetype of the man who knows how to make you feel seen and heard, without ever actually seeing or hearing you. What he’s said to you is most likely what he’s saying to other women in his life. 

He says so little, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a great listener. And, if he talks so little, it doesn’t mean that he’s the strong silent type. It could mean that he’s giving so little because he’s afraid to be seen. Because if you find out who he really is, you won’t like him. 

Tom keeps reeling you in without ever really giving you anything of substance. Sound familiar? Then you’ve probably been with a Tom. When he makes you feel like you’re his favorite and yet it seems like everyone else around is his favorite, too, it’s time to cut him loose. Or don’t, that’s up to you. The point is, it’s an archetype we’ve run into over and over again on our dating adventures, and maybe it’s time to switch it up, and go for the nice guy. 

He wants to be the most popular boy in the room. 

What Kind of A Friend Is He? [20:55]

From the get-go, Will comes off as a goofball on the series, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But at first encounter, the goofy type tends to be a turn-off, or written off. However, as the series progresses, it turns out that the goofy types are sometimes also the stand-up guys. But how can you tell? 

Hint: look at how he treats his friends. 

Marni points out that Will is not only a good friend to the women on the show, but to his guy friends as well. He’s not someone who plays games. He’s loyal, upfront and available. Looking at someone’s behavior with the people in their environment is a good indicator of their character. Chances are if he treats the people around him with respect and value, he’ll extend that same behavior to you. 

Not only do the bros like him, but all the people do. And it’s not because he’s supplicating, but he’s there for people, and he’s genuine, and he’s honest. 

The contestants on the show may not all want to date Will, but they trust him and they open up to him because he’s genuine and honest. So, keep your eyes peeled for the ones who treat people well even if they don’t have all the traits that make them the “It” boys. But traits like honesty, and loyalty are the ones that get you to the finish line when it really counts. 

The One Who Keep His Options Open [26:25]

What are the boomerang boys? Well, they’re the ones who have one foot in the door and one out. They’re unclear. Instead of walking away, they come back, snog you some more, and then head back out again, as put by Marni, and coined by Chris. 

When discussing the concept, Marni points out that while some women may put their foot down, a vast majority will give that type of man space in the hopes that he will make up his mind. But what makes these men so irresistible? 

That archetype is best exemplified in Kai and Ron. Ron, who is blind in one eye, seems to emanate confidence and ease wherever he goes. Taking something that may seem like an imperfection, he almost turns it into a strength and he does so, charismatically. It’s something in the way that he carries himself. However, that doesn’t change that, that perceived comfortability could actually be a form of cockiness where he expects that he’ll always have options. And in turn, he’s unbothered with making up his mind over who to choose.

Marni adds that he’s someone who doesn’t divulge his feelings or open up, even though he likes Lana. He’ll tell her that he’s making her a priority or speak about the spark they have between them, but hasn’t come out and said how he actually feels about her. 

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