Guest: Tendai Mulaudzi, Recovering addict
Showing up for yourself during recovery is one of the most courageous acts you can undertake. August, recognised as Overdose Awareness Month, reminds us that each step toward healing is a testament to resilience and hope. Overcoming overdose is not just about survival; it's about reclaiming your life, turning a new leaf, and embracing the possibility of a brighter future.
Every morning you wake up and choose to stay committed to your recovery is a victory. It’s about forgiving yourself for past struggles and celebrating your strength today. Recovery is a journey of small, meaningful moments, attending support groups, practicing self-care, and surrounding yourself with positivity.
As we honour Overdose Awareness Month, let’s remember that no one is alone. Turning a new leaf means rewriting your story, finding new purpose, rediscovering passions, and building a foundation of hope and self-love. Your willingness to show up for yourself is the first step toward a future where you thrive, not just survive. Celebrate your courage, honour your progress, and keep moving forward—your new chapter is worth every effort.
TENDAI’S STORY
When I first started using this platform, it was purely for personal reasons and to show off all my highlights in my life, although I was a 20-something who always felt a bit different, I felt like something was missing. In 2019, I was shipped off to long-term rehab and remained there for three years (in the end becoming a counsellor myself). I decided to start afresh and archive all my content and I’ve built up a little bit of a following, often receiving messages that my content inspires in its authenticity.
But of late, I haven’t been as authentic. I’ve been really, really struggling with my mental health and recovery and although I’ve given little glimpses into my reality, shame gaslights me into hiding elements of myself. But a couple weeks ago, I had a seizure from either withdrawal/overdose/poisoning (let’s not forget that alcohol is a hell of a drug and one that causes the most deaths). Again, I thought I might die. In some ways, I didn’t mind that. I mean, I was so tired. I often find my addiction, which I didn’t choose and almost always picks those who have unresolved childhood trauma, is so unfair. Why me? Why? But another part of me didn’t want to be like some of our greatest who suffered tragic drug-related deaths, on their own because that’s what addiction does: it isolates. Heath, Amy, Whitney, Mac, Matthew — to name a few. I was okay with dying, but definitely not in this way.
So I was put into treatment to detox for two weeks and I’ve come out feeling hopeful again. I am fully myself (which I realised yesterday when I knew that once again, I’m witty as ever and genuinely compassionate and kind again, also I did a ridiculous thing which is so me). I want to live. I want to love. I want to live in a different place. I want to keep giving of myself and helping others in whatever way I can. Unfortunately, I can’t do that if I’m dead.
Addiction is fucking hard. It is painful. It has pushed away a lot of the friends I grew up with who actually just don’t get it. Addiction steals me away from the people I love. It makes me feel like I’m worthless. It takes away my ability to choose. When I’m in addiction, there comes a time when I’m using and I fucking don’t have a choice anymore. Drugs own me and my soul when I use them. It’s hard to understand as a non-addict but I know that all addicts resonate.
Recovery, at times, is harder. Staying clean is the easy part. Facing myself is the difficult part. If we are working a programme, we deal with all our demons and have to, at all times, practice rigorous honesty. Imagine that you literally had to rat yourself out for every thought you had and mistake you made. It comes down to the little details. I cannot lie if I’m in recovery, it will lead me back to addiction. I know this, but because I’m generally a very secretive (in a private sense), it’s difficult for me.
I also hate people seeing me at my lowest. I’m scared people will leave, after all — they’ve left before at my most vulnerable. When I say I’m a perfectionist, and I’ve said it before, I say it in a way that means my perfectionism destroys aspects of my life as it means that I often feel I have to be the most upbeat, loving and charismatic person to others. I am naturally these things, but I do have my days.
A friend told me that I can “come as I am” when I cancelled because I was struggling. I’m going to do more of that. I plan on once again using this platform for honesty and hope. I’m going to give myself a fucking break. I’m going to show up, whether I’m messy, clean or whatever in between.
To the late Matthew Perry in his book Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing, ““Love and courage, man—the two most important things. I don’t move forward with fear anymore—I move forward with curiosity. I have an incredible support group around me, and they save me every day, because I have known hell. Hell has definable features, and I want no part of it. But I have the courage to face it, at least.”