Like a Mother

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My friend Russ Thornton, the founder of Wealthcare for Women, a

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Are you part of the new Facebook group, Millionaire Single Moms? No income requirement, though

I've been a Rebecca Traister fan for a long time, ever since I

The book is a gritty piece of reporting that took Traister five

Reading this book came at an important time in my own life, as I

We also discuss:

I get messages all the time from married moms who want to be in my moms' groups. 

I get that you feel alone, that you don't fit into a happy, 'traditional' family. But you're not allowed. Sorry.

I feel for you. I do.

Anecdotally, I don’t know so many really happy marriages, and scholars have found the same. Per Rebecca Traister’s very excellent bestselling All The Single Ladies:

Psychologist Ty Tashiro suggested in a 2014 book that only three in ten married people enjoy happy and healthy marriages, and that being in an unhappy partnership can increase your chances of getting sick by about 35 percent. Another researcher, John Gottman, has found that being in an unhappy union could shorten your life by four years.

A recently published Stanford study found that women initiate divorce 69 percent of the time.

In other words: Married mom desperate to hang with single moms: You are not alone in your marital misery. You’re good! Normal! 

Meanwhile, single motherhood is losing its stigma, so much so that all these married moms go around flaunting faux singlehood! The “traditional” nuclear family with married parents and kids now constitutes the statistical minority of American households, with single-mom led homes constituting the majority of the remaining portion. Further, and somewhat astonishing, the MAJORITY millennial moms are unmarried.

Really excited about this episode! Media mogul, political pundit, single mom and Forbes' 'Most Powerful Woman,' Arianna Huffington joins me on this awesome episode to talk about her New York Times bestselling book, The Sleep Revolution: Transform Your Life, One Night At A Time.

After the show, Arianna emailed to say our conversation "felt like talking to an old friend" — and I agree. In this Like a Mother episode, the Huffington Post co-founder and editor-in-chief and I dish about:

In this episode I address a reader's question:

 I'm going to introduce the guy I'm seeing to my kids. Do I need to tell my ex? Even if it's not serious?

Great question! Have a listen for my answer! Bottom lines:

I also give you specific scripts for sharing your dating status with your kids' dad, and tools for owning your truth, even if your ex calls you a filthy whore to your face (my story, maybe not your own). 

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Are you part of the new Facebook group, Millionaire Single Moms? No income requirement, though BIG GOALS and a POSITIVE MINDSET required! Join now! 

Wow, this interview was so, so amazing.  Regena Thomashauser, aka Mama Gena, is truly a renegade pioneer of feminism and female sexuality (is that redundant?). Through her in-person workshops called Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, and books by the same name, including (to-be-released in September) Pussy: A Reclamation, Thomashauser offers a fascinating history on the power of female sensuality and sexuality, biology lessons on female anatomy and the possibilities (and fruits of) hours-long orgasms, and advice on how women today can reclaim and master the power of their own sensualities.

In this awesome interview, Mama Gena shares with me:

Thomashauser is author of Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World (2002), Mama Gena’s Owner’s & Operator’s Guide To Men (2003) and Mama Gena’s Marriage Manual (2004).

just 22 percent of dads who do not live in the same house as their kids are actively involved. 

That is bad.

It is bad for the kids, of course, because they miss out on a close relationship with their father.

It is bad for the moms, who do not enjoy the emotional, logistical or time-off afforded by a co-parent. This, too, hurts kids, who then are more likely to have an exhausted and stressed-out mom who is worried about the effects of an absentee dad on her children.

Absentee fatherhood is bad for the dads, too. Whatever the circumstances are, they miss out on parenting, close relationships with their children, and the pride of knowing they are upholding their parental responsibilities.

The more men do not step up and father their children, the worst it makes it for all men and fathers. This becomes the norm, a horrible norm, and men are not given the benefit of doubt in family court, in society or on the playground.

Further, the fewer active dads around, the fewer active dads our children see — and as a society we stand to have this trend perpetuated forever and ever.

Bottom line: Absentee fathers are bad for everyone, including society itself.

If you read the comments in ‘The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids,’ you will hear all kinds of stories — heart-breaking stories from guys claiming their devotion to their children, but forced alienation by unjust courts and vindictive mothers. There are also stories from moms who claim it is for the best the dad is not around, because of abuse, addiction or roller-coaster inconsistency. Incarceration is another common reason fathers are not active in their kids’ lives.

Of course, every case is different, there are plenty of grey areas, and it is true that sometimes parents are best not involved with their kids.

But this is what I will tell you, and you, woman, know to be true:

If some crazy person or circumstance stood between me seeing my kids often, I would fight like mighty hell to change that.

I would fight because I want to be an intimate part of their lives.

I would fight because that is my moral obligation as a mother.

I would fight because I would need my children to see me fight for them. Because I would worry that my not fighting would be even more painful for them than not being involved every day or every week.

I would fight because fighting for my relationship with my kids would be fighting for all parents’ relationship with their children — and against a messed-up court system, or insane and malicious parents who try to keep the other parent away must not be allowed to persist.

And so when you meet a man — a nice and hot and successful or funny and thoughtful and sexy man — and he says he has kids, and you find out he doesn’t see them so much, and he tells you all these reasons why, what do you do?

Do you excuse him? Blame the system/judge/bitch ex/his job/society for his absence?

Do you tell yourself, ‘He will be different with any kids we have together — because I will change him.’

Do you think, ‘It is just a fun fling. His personal life is his business.’

If you care about those kids he doesn’t see — care as a person, a woman, as a mother (aspiring or actual), a member of society, here is what you do:

You will not see him.

You will not respond to his texts.

You will not fuck him.

You will know that if is a bad dad to his current kids, he will be a bad dad to future kids.

You will say: “It makes me uncomfortable that you don’t see your kids.”

Or: “Frankly, I don’t like the fact your kids are not your priority.”

You will not listen to his excuses.

You will just shut that down.

And you will encourage your girlfriends to do the same. And your cousin and sister and colleagues, too.

Before long, you and me and all of the women of the world will be like Lysistrata and her fellow women, changing the world with our pussies.

And that is good.

Wendy Paris, journalist and mom, joins me to talk about the revolution afoot: There are in fact good divorces, and she can tell you how to have one.

In her new and wonderful book, Splitopia, Paris explains the elements of a good divorce, how to achieve them, and the beauty of normalizing the end of a marriage.

In this episode she shares:

Have a listen - she's delightful, wise and offers the roadmap for ushering this inevitable life event into the 21st century and beyond.

A few weeks ago my friend and podcast producer Chad Dougatz of Hangar Studios announced that he was going to interview me for my show. What?!

Here you go!

What is family?

Of course, you can define family any way you like -- as the seismic shift created by gay marriage, a now-minority percentage that 'traditional' nuclear families constitute in this country, and the booming numbers of unmarried mothers. 

Tanya Van Court has lived her whole life outside of the 'traditional' nuclear family -- starting when her then-39-year-old black single mom of five married a white, single 25-year-old colleague, who then assumed fatherhood of the whole brood, including Tanya. In this episode Tanya recounts her mother's death when the girl was 6, her aunt's adoption of Tanya and her five siblings, the racial stirrings of Oakland, Calif. at the time, and her own, revolutionary, "happy divorce" she enjoys with her kids' dad today. 

Oh! There's more! This former marketing ex at ESPN, Nickelodeon and Discovery, and now CEO and founder of the amazing saving app for kids, iSow, shares her about the latest chapter of her new family story: Van Court, who lives in Brooklyn where she co-parents her two young kids, has a partner who lives in New Jersey and co-parents his daughter.

Want more? THEY HAVE A NEWBORN BABY TOGETHER! 

Tanya is beyond delightful, raw and vulnerable in sharing her remarkable journey of understanding and living the definition of life, family, mothering, partnership and love on your own terms. 

Are you like me and hate all kinds of kid crap in your house? Cringe around your kids' birthdays and the holidays? Download iSow, which allows kids to set savings goals, and share them with generous loved ones who can help contribute to paying for camp, buying a special toy, musical instrument, or investing. Teaches the kids personal finance, good saving and budgeting habits, and the real value of money. Yay!