Living Dead in Austin

The Volturi finally arrive to destroy the Cullens because they think Renesmee is a baby vampire. They do a lot of talking and then discover that Renesmee is, despite being a baby and a vampire, not a baby vampire. They turn around and go home. End of series.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Alice, the one who can see the future, flees the upcoming confrontation in terror. She leaves a fun activity plan for Bella that leads her to a sketchy lawyer to get a new identity. Also a rogues gallery of anti-Volturi and pro-Cullen vampires arrives to observe or help, and one by one have to get over how weird Renesmee is.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Things are going swimmingly for Bella, her husband Edward, their psychic infant Renesmee, and Renesmee's assigned life partner Jacob. They start planning another vacation, but Alice envisions that the Volturi are coming to kill them all because of the psychic baby so they must prepare for war.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Let's revisit Bella's supernaturally traumatic birthing, and see just how painful it can get. We also get to see her rebirth (redeath?) as a vampire, which is also amazingly painful. Luckily she's a good girl and doesn't let anybody know. The baby is growing up rapidly and is already magically betrothed to Jacob. I hope it works out for those crazy kids.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Edward is a very traditional guy, so he insists on the old-fashioned practice of gnawing the child out of the mother's uterus. After which, Jacob plays a game of Kiss/Marry/Kill with the newborn baby, and he doesn't choose Kill.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Jacob heads to the Cullens to murder them all. He fails so completely at killing them that he ends up protecting them from his own former packmates. Meanwhile Bella is having one of those pregnancy cravings, but for human blood.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

On Bella and Edward's fabulous honeymoon, they do what couples traditionally do on honeymoon: bump it exactly one time and become instantly pregnant with a magic baby. Since it's the kind of baby that eats their mom physically (rather than just hormonally), they must immediately return to Forks to summon the baby drama crew.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella and Edward quickly get married. They go on their honeymoon, which is amazing... except for one thing: Edward really doesn't want to touch Bella. This seems like the opposite of the sort of thing that usually happens on honeymoons.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

This movie is better! Better than the other movies, better than the book. The vampires finally start doing some vampire stuff. Except for Riley, the middle-management vampire. Sucks to be him.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella, Edward, and Jacob wrap up their frozen tent three-way (which turned out to be more of a no-way). Then, to battle! The Cullens and the Quileutes join battle with the baby vampire army, and destroy them handily. Victoria does try to sneak attack Bella but she ends up on the vam-pyre with the rest of them. Then (after a quick check in with Pain Jane) they focus on the next challenge: the wedding.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.