Living Dead in Austin

Bella gets engaged to Edward. She's pretty unhappy about it, but that doesn't seem to matter to Edward. Then they're off to the wilderness as bait for the attacking baby-vampires. Bella immediately begins to freeze in the cold, but she, Edward, and Jacob crowd into a tent and form a cuddle puddle to survive. Edward and Jacob take the opportunity to have a man-to-man (corpse-to-wolf?) talk.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella graduates from high school. She's impatient to get to the next phase of her life: death. But there is still a lot of living to suffer through. Jacob and his pack agree to team up with the Cullens to fight the newdead vampires and they all have a great time wrestling in the woods to prepare.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella hangs out with Jacob and the Quileutes and learns some of their ancient (but plot-relevant) history. Then she hangs out with Jasper and learns his ancient (but plot-relevant) history. Based on Jasper's experience, the Cullens figure out that somebody is raising an army of vampires in Seattle, probably intended to attack the vampires of Forks. That's not good, but it's no reason to cancel the graduation party that Bella doesn't want to have.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella learns the rules of werwolvery from Jacob. The rules range from odd (they don't age) to repulsive (sometimes they form a unbreakable romantic bond with a toddler). Edward is even more controlling than usual, but after a serious talk with Bella he agrees to let Jacob make some of her decisions for her also.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bellas life returns to normal. Unfortunately for her, normal is not very good. I don't know who needs to hear this, but if your hundred-year-old vampire boyfriend is trying to isolate you from your oft-shirtless werewolf bestie and using the promise of eternal life to push you into marriage, do not marry that man.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

We watched New Moon: The Movie! I guess I didn't realize, when reading the novel, just how many jorts were present. It's hard to ignore the jorts when they're on the big screen. Also, there's a bunch of drama about Edward and Bella and Jacob (and his jorts).

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella goes to Italy to meet some cool vampires. None of them say "Ciao, Bella." They live in a combination sewer/office building/watchtower, and they collect special vampires like Edward. They don't get him this time, but they can wait.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella's second-favorite vampire returns, and she needs Bella's help. They must hurry to Italy to prevent Edward from exposing himself to tourists.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella discovers Jacob's furry secret. Then she throws herself off a cliff. Those things aren't connected, Bella just thought that would be a fun thing to do.

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Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.

Bella puts her best moves on Jacob. That means she nearly dies and he has to save her life. After that he starts avoiding her, and she comes to the only reasonable conclusion: he has joined a cult.

Find our other podcasts at armadillo.club!

Music: CHASIN' IT by Jason Shaw, licensed under CC-BY 3.0.