Love Your Story: Stories and discussions about personal growth, mindset and living with intention

Marriage and divorce are both common experiences. According to the American Psychological Association, in Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. This is healthy and desirable both mentally and physically when the relationship is healthy. But 40-50% of marriages in the US end in divorce with the rates being even higher for subsequent marriages.

But let’s be clear…none of us got married with the intention of getting divorced. Suffice it to say, we can all say, “I never thought I’d be here.”

I see this comment a lot on online dating profiles in the online dating realm. Other comments I see often include “just trying to make it through,” “I love my family more than anything.” “my kids are my whole world,” and “I like to laugh, have fun, and I’m looking for someone with a sense of humor.”

The first two quotes establish the rocky and difficult nature of the path divorce shoves us onto; a path we didn’t plan for, a path full of pain, and loss of life expectations, a path of destruction. The third and fourth quotes emphatically state loyalties and responsibility as we cling to the loves of our lives, our children, trying o keep them steady on the path adult decisions have forced upon them and keep our own hearts from hemorrhaging any further with loss of time, connection with blood of our blood and bone of our bone; our babies.  And the last quote speaks to a need to rebuild, to find hope, to laugh again and to laugh with someone.  This podcast episode will look more deeply at these three areas.

Sometimes divorce is selfishness, messy betrayals, and a path through hell. Some divorces are more amicable, but it is still the destruction of a partnership that at one time held hope and dreams. Sometimes divorce is because we are too lazy to get unselfish and grow, but sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength.

For any of you who know my story – you know that my divorces are the basis for the entire Love Your Story podcast. My story is told in 3 video segments on the Love Your Story website, but in a nutshell, my feelings of failure and the shame that accompanied that did not create a story I loved or was at peace with. I had to reframe my story of failure by focusing on the things I learned and the things those lessons prepared me for. I focused on my growth and the fact that I did the best I could at the time and so did the others involved. My new focus was on acceptance, and allowing, and moving forward with faith and hope in better things.

Today I have a panel of five adults who have gone through a divorce. Three men and two women. I will be the mediator of the panel and will ask the questions. Each one of these people has had very different experiences, but today we are here to hear what they learned and what they would do over again and what they wouldn’t.  Let me introduce the panel members:

So let’s jump in with the questions. I’ll ask each 3 of the participants to answer each question: (Tune into the audio program to hear their answers)

The American Psychological Association has a few tips on marriage and divorce, and as we end this episode I’ll share their ideas:

Thanks to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts” for these stats and suggestions.

With that I will say adieu. Thanks for being here for open discussions about life and how to create your best life story on purpose. Share this episode with someone you know who might need it or enjoy it. Share the love, people. Remember loveyourstorypodcast.com for access to all the 120+ episodes and to the tools and online courses for reframing old stories that are holding you back or jumping into the 21 LIFE Connection Challenges for actively creating more connection, self-care, and possibility in your life moving forward.  See you next week.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “in the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”

In other words: Happiness is an inside job and we are VERY POWERFUL beings. Today we are going to talk about what it means to live intentionally and fearless and I’m going to tell you about a new tool to help you jump into that feet first.

I was on a podcast interview with Emily and Erik Orton from New York last week. They are the authors of the book Seven at Sea. He is a screenwriter and one of his productions flopped – stayed open for only 5 weeks, and he had to take a temporary job in a high rise. His job gave him a view out the window of the Hudson River and he used to watch the sailboats sailing by. He started dreaming about what it would look like to learn to sail; to live life on your own terms. He wasn’t from the class of people who usually sail. His wife, Emily who stayed at home with their 5 kids, had a fear of deep water, but one step at a time they considered What Could Go Right instead of What Might Go Wrong. Soon enough they had learned how to sail, taught their children, and they found themselves living on a sailboat for a year as they traveled 5000 miles from New York to the Carribean and back. This was all done despite having very limited funds, their youngest daughter was down syndrome, and none of them had any background in sailing.

I loved this interview because when I asked them what their big takeaway from this incredible life adventure was, Emily answered that she found 3 types of confidence:  1. She learned to trust herself because she did what she set out to do. 2. Competence: She learned new skills on this adventure so she had an increased sense of Competence – how to rig, how to find food in completely unknown places, a hundred new things she learned how to do.  3. She gained a sense of comfort with uncertainty.  They learned after weeks and months of sailing to new islands, not knowing their way around, not knowing where food would be on each island, not having a crystal ball about weather, or having all the answers…..they learned to trust that things would emerge and they would find their way.

Erik said – “We will not know all the answers when we begin, and that’s okay. Now we know we will figure them out.”

This last one was my favorite because it was the learned skill and choice or FAITH OVER FEAR.

I saw an ad in an Oprah magazine many years ago, it said, “Every woman has a story. It’s not how you tell it, it’s how you live it.”

The Love Your Story platform has 3 parts: 1. The Past: Most of us have stories from our past that hold us back. Those stories hold shame, or a deep sense of victimhood, or unworthiness, or regret. Until we learn to reframe these we stay stuck in places that we can’t progress past. I work with clients to help them reframe their stories. 2. The Present: When I did my original presentation to this group last year I talked about this aspect of story – the stories that we are telling ourselves right now and the importance of recognizing the negative ones that eat away at our confidence, worthiness and engagement with the world. These are critical to recognize and manage. 3. The Future – this is my focus for today’s discussion – taking action – living intentional and fearless to create the story line you want to tell, the story line you want to live. This requires intention and courage.

We do lots of this – fighting against the fear and self doubt. What’s one thing you’re doing to live intentional? To live fearless?

We are not pawns of life. We are the creators of our stories and by living intentional and fearless every day we can write a story that brings us fierce joy, pride in our risings, and treasure troves beyond what we may realize we are capable of. We can do this because the universe has our back, and when you are standing up and stepping into the arena, running toward the fear and watching it disappear…well, that’s when the magic happens. That’s when you stand in your power, create possibility, and shine.

Henry David Thoreau said, “When you achieve your dreams, it’s not so much what you get, as what you become while achieving it.”

The best stories are not about characters who are binge watching Netflix. They aren’t even about people who have found a comfortable place to sort of not rock the boat – even though most of the time that is what we humans are searching for – that sweet, comfortable spot– no, the best storylines, the best movies, the best books are those when the character wants something bad enough that they are willing to overcome the obstacles in front of them to get it. Those stories show growth and the characters change as they stretch and often face things they don’t want to face. But to do this we often need what Emily was talking about – that sense of comfort with uncertainty. The knowing that we won’t know how to do everything and we won’t know how the story will end, but we will still take action and move forward. We will act in faith.

Let me share some examples with you:

In episode 83 Wendy Garret was in a scooter accident where one of her legs was paralyzed, when I asked her, toward the end of the interview if she would undo the accident if she could, she said no because without the paralysis of her leg she wouldn’t have been able to qualify for the seven largest world marathons. Her tragedy had become a ticket to experiences she was so pleased that she could have. She intentionally choose to amplify her story with action. She created an interesting story and turned tragedy into triumph.

I share this because when we know that we even in through life’s dark experiences we can choose to see light, there is increased faith rather than fear.

In episode 23 with Marvin Castler who decided to live his life on his own terms. He chooses to live in a storage shed and drive a prius to save money so he can hike all summer – living out on the trails – the Pacific Crest Trail, the Appalachian Trail, the Continental Divide trail and many others. During the winter he teaches 3rd grade and travels to University of Arizona Wildcat games as the SuperFan – painted face, blue beard and all . He’s got a story – a story written from his own personal desires to hike, be in touch with nature, play big as a Super Fan. He acts and creates his own personal lifestyle – a story all his own, and it IS interesting.

In episode 115 Sara Dean took her struggle with infertility and created the Shameless Mom Academy podcast. She was finally able to get pregnant with her son, but no other fertilization efforts brought her anymore children, so she channeled her love and the extra time she felt she had because of raising only 1 child, into a podcast to support and inspire other moms around the world.

These three examples show people intentionally writing a life story on their own terms. Turning what first felt like tragedy into something beautiful and fulfilling, or in Marvin’s case, just intentionally building a unique storyline all his own.

Now – I want to qualify the word FEARLESS – I don’t mean that we don’t feel fear when we face something new, something we don’t know how to do, something that pushes our buttons regarding the fear of rejection, or the fear of failure, or the fear of public humiliation, or the fear of loss, or the fear of wasting time or money – we definitely feel the fear – but by FEARLESS I mean we work out that muscle and we FEAR LESS. Each time we face a fear and see our own growth and experiences in tough places we increase our faith in ourselves, in the Universal way of things, in God, and decrease our fear.  That makes us incredibly powerful!

What about if we feel like what we want doesn’t look like everyone else’s story?

One of the most beautiful and exciting things about us humans is how individual we all are. In the scriptures, God tells us that we are to give the beggar what he wants not what we think he deserves or needs. I’ve always found this interesting. I bring this up because to me it illustrates that God cares about us individually, and he cares what WE want. The crazy type of life we each want to live is totally legit. There’s not just one way to do it. We often get ourselves caught up in all the shoulds and musts that are imposed by a cultural expectation, but once we are bold enough to see past those – past the “one way of doing things,” –to deviate, our own true style and heart can break out. This is beautiful and exciting because it’s something different and unique for everyone. And there is so much satisfaction in that type of life creation.

The story we WANT to write matters. It matters to us and it matters to God, and frankly, I think it matters to the whole world because we all benefit when we each follow our bliss and the talents and gifts we were sent to create with. Don’t rip yourself off, don’t rip the world off. Live your unique life story.

So, back to the question – what does it mean to live intentionally. I think it means to live on purpose. Not to be acted upon, but to be the instigator of the story only you can write.

Here’s a couple questions I’d like you to think about: Hit pause after each question and think about it.

Well….the good news is that you are in charge of your choices every day. With every choice to act or not act you write the next paragraph in your life story. So you are totally the one with all the power.

Ralph Marston said, “From this moment on, you don’t have to let anyone else’s opinion have any influence on the way you live your life. From this moment on, you can make every choice based on your highest, most treasured values. From this moment on, you can let go of all worries about what you might or might not happen. From this moment on, you can drop all your resentment and anguish about what’s already in the past. From this moment on, your life can be as good as you choose to make it. From this moment on, you can persistently stick with your commitment to living the best life you can imagine. Today your wisdom is greater than it’s ever been. Today, you have more experience than at any other point in your life so far. So today, and from now on, you’re able to make the most of all that. From this moment on, you can expect the best, and live up to those expectations. From this moment on, the possibilities are beautiful and amazing. Let this be the day you choose to live at a higher level than ever before.”

Let me tell you part of my personal story –My Love Your Story research started because I did NOT love my story. I had been married and divorced three times. I felt shame and disbelief about my story. And I had also acquired a lot of pain, distrust of men, cynicism. I didn’t wallow in the victim spaces, but I was emotionally roughed up and I could NOT see my way around it after tears. One day one of my friends from work walked into my office and said I just returned from this emotional intelligence training. You need to go.

I trusted her and so I went. I went because I knew I was stuck and I knew that despite all I had tried I couldn’t get myself unstuck. I had no idea what lay ahead. I had no idea that I would spend the better part of the next year flying back and forth between Utah and Ohio attending one level after another and working my way through coaches and programs and eventually becoming a coach myself in the program.

One day while I was going through one of my coaching sessions, my coach handed us an assignment with the confidence of someone who couldn’t be challenged, but beneath her challenge excitement bubbled. She knew she was sending us out to gain an insight, but she also knew that we would all push back and opt for a trek to Starbucks if given even the slightest option between setting up a free-hugs stand and retreating to a safe and comfortable place. We weren’t given the slightest option.

The assignment was to take 30 minutes and create a sign announcing free hugs – translation: head to the dollar store for poster board and markers, then we’d have another fifteen minutes to set up shop and choose our spot, after which we’d have an hour to offer hugs to the general passers-by.  My teammates and I looked at each other with trepidation, but we knew there was no way out, so we pulled up our big-people panties and went to work. At least if this flopped we’d flop together and have a story to tell. This uncomfortable assignment joined the ranks of many uncomfortable, but ultimately life-changing projects that my life coaches insisted upon during my emotional intelligence training.

When I became a coach and started helping others who were as fresh and uncomfortable as I had once been I got to see and experience the transformation from the other side of the experience, and regardless of the side you were on, the experiences were powerful. They created discomfort, connection, communication, love, and possibility. One thing was certain. I wouldn’t have done these things on my own. I wouldn’t have even thought of many of them and I would have figured myself too busy to bother with others. But, if you’re not getting what you want from your life – if your story needs some tweaking, then you have to do things differently.

The third tier of the Love Your Story platform is one of taking action to create your life on purpose. Last year I created something many of you have heard about – the 21-Day Challenge for creating connection/possibility/self-care in our lives.

The precursor to this book started as the 21-Day Challenge. It was designed to provide a buffet of life hacks that the Love Your Story podcast audience and followers would try out during a three week period after which they could choose the life-hacks that individually meant the most to them and helped them create more connection, self-care, and possibility in their lives. It was an on-line course.

We created on-line groups that embarked on the challenge together and then supported one another on the Love Your Story podcast Facebook page.  As the groups worked and I talked with participants, I found that some things needed improvement. Some people didn’t like

*accessing their challenges on-line each morning.

*Some wanted to keep their notes

*Some felt guilt for getting behind and not doing a new challenge each day, which created a sense of failure rather than the intended improvements in their life stories.

*Some wanted to give it as a gift – but I wasn’t sure how to do that online.

So…I held a focus group. I got feedback from the participants and ideas for some powerful changes were made. Namely – it shouldn’t be a 21-day challenge, it would be more beneficial to have the 21 challenges available for people to do at their own pace. So the name changed. No longer was it the 21-Day Challenge, but it became the 21 L.I.F.E. Connection Challenges that it is today.

The next upgrade was to put it in a book form. Creating a book solved multiple problems, namely people could keep a record of their notes at the end of each challenge, they could return to each challenge at will, and they could do the challenges at their own pace.

So today, you are seeing the tried and tested product for creating better connection, possibility, and self-care in your own life, in your own powerful way, and in a way that is challenging, fun and interesting all at the same time.

This is my tool – for this third and extremely important tier of creating our lives on purpose. We all know the things we should be doing. It’s not that the ideas are unheard of. You probably already do some of them. But the book is a fun and organized way that involves exercises that I have watched work with hundreds of people. It’s a taster’s table of life-hacks and sometimes it’s just really nice to have a format to follow – something to prompt that action you want to take to create better things in your life. A platform to follow and inspire you.

For your copy and start to creating more connection, more possibility and more self-care in your story, you can get a copy of the book on the website – www.loveyourstorypodcast.com. These give you 21 challenges to take action on and you’ll be surprised how sometimes it is the small and simple things that start a whole new storyline. If you want to start living more intentionally, this book is a great place to start.

Wanderlust. Boredom. Frustration. Whatever the reason, we have all had days where we wished we could just pack our bags and take off. But for a myriad of reason – spouse, kids, jobs, responsibility – we do not.

Last year we followed the Kjars, a family who sold their home and loaded their kids in a motor home and headed out to visit 50 states in 52 weeks. They left their daily lives – the grind and created an unusual storyline. Today I am speaking with another family, this one from New York City, who took their 5 children, cast off convention, and loaded up a sailboat for a year at sea with just their family. Erik and Emily Orton recently published their book – Seven at Sea.

The book takes us along for the ride of challenges, joys and concrete issues like finances, schooling, learning how to sail….but most important, and the thing I like best is that it reminds us that our lives are what we make them. We write our story plot lines and we have far more freedom in our creative writing than most of us allow ourselves. Today I want to talk to the Orton’s about their adventures, but also about how one finds the guts to think outside the box and write crazy plot lines with oodles of meaning and excitement.

Erik Orton worked a temp job night shift in a cubicle in Manhattan to help provide for his wife and their five children, the youngest with Down Syndrome. Erik watched the sailboats on the Hudson River during his breaks and dared to dream that life could be more than just surviving. Despite having no sailing experience, his wife Emily’s phobia of deep water and already being financially stretched, the family of seven turned their excuses into reasons and their fears into motivation as they set off on a voyage that ultimately took them 5000 miles from New York to the Caribbean and back.

Tune into the podcast for my amazing interview with this brave and dynamic couple.

To follow Eric and Emily or to buy Seven at Sea:

www.sevenatsea.com

I feel like the meaning of today’s podcast is about customizing our own lives. Your challenge for this week is to consider what excuses you’ve let get in your way of writing some really great scenes into your life story. What are those excuses and what creative way could you get around them if you REALLY wanted to? Consider it…..

Thanks for joining us today on the Love Your Story podcast. Share this episode, or another favorite episode with a friend – share the love people. Share the love and live big, bold and on purpose. You got this!

Don’t forget loveyourstorypodcast.com for t-shirts, the 21-Life Connection Challenges book, to sign up for coaching and all the past episodes of the podcast.

Have a great week.

What does it mean to deviate?

When I think of the word deviate I think of getting off course. Does deviate have a negative connotation to you? In the book Deviate, the Science of Seeing Differently, by Beau Lotto, he discusses the idea of looking at things differently in order to get different results. The word deviate is more about choosing what not to look at, in order to create a new experience.

Today I am introducing you to a guest who is dear to my heart. Rebecca Cookston is a personal friend of mine whom I met while walking along my street one day. She had moved in four or five doors down with her new husband – husband number four, in a small cottage where she would create a worm farm and home school her children. She’s a salt-of-the-earth wisdom worker and I’ve spent many an hour discussing ideas with her over the years. Her experience with her now, 5 husbands, was always interesting to me for a number of reasons, first, I loved that someone I respected had even more marriages under their belt than I did – and she was younger than me, and I also admired the way she took it in stride. She didn’t ever seem to be embarrassed, she lived and learned and accepted the experiences as part of her journey. After a few years, I was helping her pack up a trailer so she could safely return back home to her parents as she exited marriage number four. Just like her previous relationships, this one too was fraught with emotional and verbal abuse and physical intimidation. I took a couple of her house plants to “babysit” until she had her own space again, and she moved on to create something totally different. She is now a  4-time divorcee, a woman of the earth who had at several points, had to learn how to survive on food stamps and do the single mother hustle. Through her life experiences, Rebecca has learned to shift her focus to not look at certain things and this allows her to create a whole new range of possibilities which didn’t exist before. By doing this her life has greatly deviated onto a new and wonderful path.

Tune into the podcast for the actual interview with Rebecca Cookston.

Rebecca does not hang out in the social media space, so no links for her here.

Since my conversation with Rebecca, the idea of deviating has been on my mind in a more proactive way. When something comes up in my life and I start thinking – geez, it should look like this – I’m stopping, and I find myself saying, “why does it have to look like that? What if instead, it looked like this?”

For example,  as I have studied under the big podcast and online coaching players in the industry my idea of success has been formed by their results – big money, big following, big impact.

What is MY idea of success though? As I’ve pondered and sought inspiration around this I have had a number of things come clear – first, success is in the individual impactful and influence on THE ONE. When we focus on the real help we can give just ONE person, then we have real influence. It’s not a puppy mill, it’s not a fast-tracking of clients to get numbers, it’s about real lives one at a time. By redefining what success is to me and choosing where I look and where I don’t look – I’m looking at the one and taking it one at a time with my clients instead of looking at comparison stats.  My actions and peace deviate by allowing for a different definition of success. I’ve also had the clarity that I can not know the ripples and impact of my work because it reaches well beyond monitoring. This helps me deviate my definition of success also.

This life-hack tool of writing our own stories creates a real sense of creativity and freedom. Freedom from the “norm,” and the “expected,”  with a move toward possibility and creative license within your own life. If we can think outside the box and create a new way of arranging perceptions in our lives so that we find more joy, peace and fulfillment, well, I think it’s time we consider a little deviation.

Thanks for tuning in to another Love Your Story discussion on life tools for building your best life story moving forward. If you would be interested in sponsoring the Love Your Story podcast we are looking for sponsors to help keep these great episodes, stories and story tool discussions coming out every Wednesday.

Also – use the website www.loveyourstorypodcast.com to buy your t-shirts, enroll in classes to help you love your story, and to listen to all the back episodes. See you next week.

I’ve been looking for some really good music for the podcast. Well, I found a singer/songwriter that I’m going to share with you today. Get ready for some inspirational music – full songs!

Katie Lee is a Special Ed. Preschool Teacher and Singer/Songwriter. She is originally from Arizona but has been in Utah for 10 years. She enjoys performing in whatever capacity she can. She often plays local acoustic shows, weddings, retreats and just held her first religious musical fireside, but I think she ought to be much bigger. This girl is TALENTED.  She is a lover of people and bringing light and joy into others lives, so she’s sharing her music with you today. She loves a good adventure and can make simple things fun.

Today she is going to share three of her original pieces of music with us. It’s a special inspirational musical treat today!

Tune in for my discussion with Katie Lee and for her wonderful music.

Songs:

“Here” – played in the into at [2:00] minutes

“God is Aware” – played at [9:00]

“Trust Grace” – played at [19:00]

God is Aware struck a note with me because so many of the stories we share on this podcast are about the spaces when we are fighting the dragons in our stories and we want to feel God has our back. We don’t want to feel alone. We want miracles. God is aware of every prayer and every bended knee – when you can’t see, don’t give into doubt.

Trust Grace is a song that helps us look into Katie’s own story of overcoming her trials with trichotillomania.

To find her music or to follow her go to:

Free download @noisetrade.com/katielee  (Noise Trade)

Instagram: @ktleeitsme

Facebook: Katie Lee Music

YouTube: www.youtube.com/katieleemusic

Do we ever know our way forward, completely? I seldom do. I’m always walking one step further into the darkness hoping it’s the right direction. When we are trying new things and taking risks – living into possibility, this is the landscape.

Martha Beck said, “Every leap into light starts as a leap in the dark.” That has been my experience. Stay tuned for a few words on living with faith – in yourself, in the force that guides you, in your possibility and mission. It changes the story completely.

Stories are our lives in language. Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. I’m Lori Lee, and I’m excited for our future together of telling stories, evaluating our own stories, and lifting ourselves and others to greater places because of our control over our stories. This podcast is about empowerment and giving you, the listener, ideas to work with in making your stories work for you. Power serves you best when you know how to use it

Remember Hansel and Gretel? They didn’t know where they were headed, but they knew if they left a trail of bread crumbs they could solve their own problem. Yes, I realize that’s an interesting example since the birds end up eating their best-laid plans, but in the end, isn’t that usually how it goes? Life makes you move forward instead of letting you follow the trail back. And quite often it is in an unexpected way– walking into a dark forest, throwing out our best solutions as we move forward, like bread crumbs, and then things shift, the story gets more intense and doesn’t look like we expected. Here’s to the faith that in the end we’ll all push our personal witches into the oven and return home a hero, but let me point out a couple things – Hansel and Gretel had to walk into the woods to have their experience, even though it was traumatic, and of course they first had their desperate search for the trail that had vanished – we can relate to that when things change in our lives. In the end, they had to grasp hands and adapt or die, to put it bluntly. They had to move forward or stay stuck. They had to believe enough to drop the bread crumbs and move into the dark.

Let’s kick off this fun discussion with the most basic understanding that fear and faith are opposites.

If you believe the universe or God has your back and if you believe in yourself, the fear decreases. The more faith you have, the less fear dominates your thoughts and actions. This is important to understand because when you notice a high fear factor regarding something you’re trying to do you can stop for a moment and take stock of your faith around the given situation. You can decide where you stand and what needs to be adjusted.

I’ve noticed something about myself lately. I’ve noticed that whenever I take on something that I have not done before, that I constantly shove that thing to the bottom of my list of things to do. I’ll share some specific examples. Recently my podcast editor took a full-time position elsewhere which required me to find a new podcast editor. One of the things my old podcast editor did for me was to design the cover photos for each episode. Well, that’s not usually something podcast editors do apparently, and my new editor did not include that in his services, so I needed to figure out how to use photoshop so I could design my own cover photos. Something new I don’t know how to do. Because I wasn’t sure which was the best program (could I use a cheaper program) and then I didn’t know how to use the program, I kept pushing it down the list of things to do because it was a step into the dark that I didn’t know how to take. I see this pattern repeated often for me.

Example #2 – While I have 3 published books, all 3 have been published by publishers. They ask me to write the book. I write the book. Their editors edit, they design the layout, they distribute, they sell. They send me royalty checks. Well, I am working this year to put out the 21 LIFE Connection Challenges in book form. I’m excited about what this will mean and the great access it will give everyone to the challenges and creating their best life stories, but I’ve never gone through the self-publishing process before. I’m not sure how to design the layout of a book. I’m not sure about distribution. Because of this my work on this project is constantly relegated to the end of my list. I’ve done nothing in over 6 weeks.

So, I started noticing this pattern. When I don’t know my way forward I stall. Once I recognized the pattern I decided to change it. I could see my own fear and hesitation around stepping into the darkness, but I could also see that all that was required was to step into the darkness.

I started taking active steps to find people who could shed a light on what I didn’t know. This mindset shift of recognition and then action is the way I’m going to create action and douse fear.

Sometimes when we are facing a fear vs. faith situation it requires releasing old thought systems and surrender to new ways of being that are defined by an absolute belief in yourself and your ability to create, as well as in God, the universe, or the power that guides your life. Faith is a belief in things beyond what you can control, beyond what you can see or prove, beyond what you know – or in my case, beyond what I know how to do. But it’s that belief that is the precursor to creation and the shield against fear—the belief in what I’m creating. The belief in God’s support of my efforts. The belief in my ability to learn and do.

There is always choice. Choice for fear or choice for faith.

Let me share a story that impressed me about a man who chose faith year after year regarding who he was meant to be and what he was meant to do.

James Owens is a graphic artist, a cartoonist, a novelist. In his book Drawing out the Dragons he shares specific stories about his personal life, the choices that one at a time contributed to his massive success in the realms in which he flourishes. At 16 he was the youngest professional publisher ever to be an exhibitor at the San Diego Comic-Con.  He was dedicated and persistent to his vision. Always believing despite the difficulty of succeeding at his chosen profession and art. The rest of his life, each decision to compromise or hold strong, was always based on the faith that he was meant to be a comic book artist. When he had no money to buy food and his home was being foreclosed on because his endeavors weren’t paying off, he still believed in himself, in his destiny, and at each turn he went to work, harder and harder until he had the meetings with the people he needed in order to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish. And did he do it, despite the dark days of unknowing?  He most certainly did. What struck me about his story was his seeming unwavering faith and dedication to his dream. Let me share a small part of his story:

James had embarked on his dream of starting a comic book company. He was the creator and illustrator of his comics and so his hands were vital. Two issues into his series a woman takes a left turn in front of him and he is in an auto accident that smashes his right hand.  At the hospital, the doctors examined his hand and said there was too much damage to do surgery, which would just increase scar tissue, so the best they could do was to put the bones back in place and then engage in therapy for a year. They told him he would have 30-40% of the use of his hand if he worked hard.  He says, “For the second time that year I had a big decision to make. I had to decide how much I really wanted to do what I was doing because according to the doctors my career as an artist was all but over. For my part, I believed something different. I believed that if you really want to do something, no one can stop you, but if you really don’t want to do something, no one can help you. As he sat there with his hand in a brace from his fingertips to his elbow, he announced he was going to rehabilitate his hand, heal completely and then pick up where he’d left off with issue three of StarChild. He said everyone in the world decided I was wrong. The doctors, friends, family and a few curious patients all gathered around him and applauded his optimism and attitude, but they insisted he needed to be realistic. He proved them all wrong.

His book is called: Drawing out the Dragons–A beginner’s guide to making choices that matter. I think choosing faith is a choice that matters because it’s the choice that determines whether you move forward and the kind of power you have behind you. I’m not just talking about faith in a career path here. His story is just an example of keeping a vision and determination with anything in your life. Maybe it’s choosing faith over fear as you battle with depression, an eating disorder or an addiction. Maybe it’s faith over fear that God has your back. Maybe it’s faith over fear that you can be a good parent. Maybe it’s faith over fear that you can support your family. It’s different for all of us.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

And, Martha Beck, the internationally renowned life coach, one of my favorites,  said, “Anyone who embraces the mender’s way of life must proceed through continual, infinite, breathtaking leaps of faith. Each time you face an unknown future with creativity rather than grasping at known quantities, you leap. Each time you dare to believe your art can sustain you financially, you leap. Each time you trust your tribe of menders, you leap. Each time you embrace a love that lays you bare in body, heart, or soul, you leap. And whenever you begin to disbelieve in yourself, your destiny, your ability to heal some part of the world, you must leap instead into the branches of magic.”

In the book Rise of Superman by Steve Kotler, he tackles the relationship between imagination and physical possibility. He quotes psychologist Michael Gervais, “you have to understand that the brain tells stories. When most hear about an impossible feat – the sub-four-minute mile; the MegaRamp 1080 – our first reaction is: ‘Not real, no way, not possible.’ But we have a strong need to make meaning out of experience and this new reality forces us to change our story. We move to, ‘That’s crazy, far out, unreal.’ Pretty soon, we accept this new reality and shift our paradigm further and this engages the imagination. We start imagining the impossible as possible. What does impossible feel like, sound like, look like? And then we start to be able to see ourselves doing the impossible –that’s the secret. There is an extremely tight link between our visual system and our physiology: once we can actually see ourselves doing the impossible, our chances of pulling it off increase significantly.”

Proven, over and over, that once a threshold is passed by someone, others, now realizing it’s possible, push past that threshold with increased speed and frequency, it’s impossible to deny the power of belief in the ability to accomplish a thing. Someone just has to believe enough to push past the limitation, and suddenly the rest of the world can follow.

George Lucas said, “You simply have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.” This ode to persistence is based on faith. We don’t keep walking into the dark forest unless we believe we have a shot at surviving. This is hope, this is faith, this is persistent action that creates results.

Our lives are less about what is going on around us, and more about what is going on inside us. We create the meaning that events have to us. Do we create that meaning around faith or around fear? That’s an important question because the answer will determine very different outcomes.

Fear isn’t going anywhere.  It’s maybe the most common negative human emotion we all share. But there is good news. Courage can become a habit. The way to combat fear is to make a mindset shift. This shift doesn’t mean that fear disappears, it means that your faith in yourself, your ability, your support, your god, outlives the fear that tries to shut you down. It means you believe, and so you do, and your hope and your faith becomes action and then things really start cookin’.

For me, this shift happened when I was surrounded by coaches telling me not to rip the world off. I was surprised how much fear popped up every day when I started creating this podcast. There were fears I didn’t even know I had. It became a daily reckoning – each day I would end up finding a new fear and I’d have to push past it. We’ve talked about being in the arena and getting dirty – being the hero – this is the mental space where you are fighting your dragons. This is the space where you step onto the dark forest path overhung with vines and spooky noises, but you step onto the path anyway. This is the part of the story where you enter the lair of the antagonist to steal back the jewel of your own ability. This is the high stakes space of beating out the shadows of your own mind.

Remember what Emerson said, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.”

I want to leave this topic with one final thought – what do you think about the idea of the faith we show in others gives them additional power and the faith that other’s show in us buoys and supports us in our forward movement. This seems perhaps obvious – we all like to be supported, but I wonder if there isn’t a real power behind this – faith is a power, but I think it’s also a power that can be shared. A combined faith may create an exponential power behind it. So maybe, just maybe, we can start thinking about lending our own faith and support to others as they embark on their challenges, large and small, and help push one another up the next mountain.

Thanks for listening in today. I hope you’ve found even just one take-away that will propel you forward with faith along your own path – faith is the power to overcome fear. The power behind forward movement. Believe in you, in your story, in a Universe that has your back.

Quick plug for the website – loveyourstorypodcast.com – it’s got all the 120+ episodes that you can listen to and share. It’s got on-line courses – the 21 LIFE Connection Challenges for creating possibility and connection in your life and the 5-Steps to reframing old stories that hold you back. You can also buy your Love Your Story t-shirts there.

Thanks for being a part of the audience. Keep up the great work and this week your challenge is to push past just one fear. Just one fear!

See you next week.

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. Today I’m talking with Emma Houston.

I met her as I sat in the audience at a women’s empowerment weekend seminar. I loved her message, her spunk, her authentic energy and I wanted her to share with you the same things she shared with us in the audience that day.

She is a thriver, a supporter, a victor, a mentor and a cheerleader for people going through life’s challenges. She’s a spunky little black woman, an active member of the Calvary Baptist Church, and the owner and CEO of Brighter Day Productions.

Emma Houston Hails from Texas originally. In 2016 she was appointed as Diversity and Inclusion Director by mayor Ben McAdams for the Salt Lake County’s Office of Diversity Affairs, so she is obviously now in Utah.

She is the former chairwoman of the Governor’s Office of Ethnic Affairs and former secretary for the YWCA Board and UAA Board. She is a cancer survivor and serves on the Huntsman Cancer Foundation Community Advisory Committee. She is also the chair for the Martin Luther King Commission.  She is passionate about sharing her skills and connections and working with communities. She has survived the storms of life with style and grace and seeks to cheer on those in the battle.

Tune into the audio program for my interview with Emma.

For more information on Emma:

 www.facebook.com/emma.e.houston  

http://www.linkedin.com/pub/emma-e-houston/16/55b/723 

I’ve been wondering, what you, the listeners, think about the line-up of interviews I’ve been hosting. Sometimes it feels like I interview  people who have had a lot of struggle, and while the interviews are all about illustrating through our stories how to get past our struggles, I don’t want there to be a feeling of “Oh My Gosh, what depressing story are we going to get today?” I want to tell stories that create hope and faith. I think I do.

The people on the podcast are the ones thriving despite their challenges. They are icons of getting in the arena and standing back up.  My interview with Emma was all about her great attitude, spirit, and sense of humor – all important in living out those life stories – tough and otherwise. But,  I’d love your feedback. I’d love to know which episodes you’re really connecting with and which ones you like or don’t like. You can reach me at [email protected], or leave comments below each episode on the website www.loveyourstorypodcast.com, or hop on our FB page – Love Your Story podcast. Love to get your feedback. Thanks for tuning in. I couldn’t do this without the audience and I hope with all my heart that you are finding value. I know I am. These people are amazing!

Hans Selye said, “It is not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” You, yes you, the one listening to the podcast – do you have stress in your life? Do you think of that stress as being good or bad?

In today’s episode we’re going to talk about the S word! Yup – Stress. Who can’t use a few empowering tips and stories about this constant state of the 21st century? Stay tuned for insights from a lot of great minds on this topic.

Stories are our lives in language. Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. I’m Lori Lee, and I’m excited for our future together of telling stories, evaluating our own stories, and lifting ourselves and others to greater places because of our control over our stories. This podcast is about empowerment and giving you, the listener, ideas to work with in making your stories work for you. Power serves you best when you know how to use it.

What if stress isn’t what you’ve always thought it was? I’m going to start today’s discussion with some scientific research and then we’re going to hear from folks like the Dalai Lama and Marcus Aurelius, and when we’re done, you just might see things a little differently.

So, starting with a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist, where she makes her confession – that the idea she’s been teaching about stress and seeing it as the enemy has been all wrong.  Listen to this research study she did and then let’s talk about this new way of seeing things:

https://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend#t-43174  ([1:16] – [6:30])

So…if we view our body’s response to stress and fabulous programming that’s helping you rise to the challenge, how does it change your aversion to stress?

Dalai Lama said, “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we obtain peace within ourselves.”

What if part of that peace is a shift of a story. The shift of the story that stress is bad, that life is overwhelming, that I can’t possibly handle this intensity of living, to the story that your body’s response to stress is healthy, helpful, and manageable? Well first off, if you change the story and you tell yourself this new truth, your body believes you and your responses internally change. That inner peace with a clearer understanding becomes a stepping stone for a more peaceful outer world. We can create a new understanding and story about the physical effects of stress.

Now, another great thinker, Marcus Aurelius shares wisdom about the psychological power we have regarding what we allow to cause us stress. He  said, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

Let me repeat that: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

Gosh that does two things – First, it means you and I have to take responsibility for our mental state, but second, that means we suddenly have control. Yay!

Let me state the obvious in a few examples – if you have a set of internal stories about how thin and lifeless your hair is, well, regardless of if that’s true, that in and of itself does not cause pain, it’s the fact that you find it unacceptable that causes you the pain. If you have a belief that reading a book is painful – it’s not that reading a book is actually painful, it’s that you chose to see it as painful. If you have issues around money and your car breaks down and you have to pull out the credit card for a new fuel line – this experience is only painful if your mindset creates pain around it.

I hear over and over – “well, we can’t help what we feel,” and I understand that idea very well. When I deeply feel irritated or disappointed and it’s a natural response to something, I don’t want to take responsibility for that. Sometimes it feels very justified, but the truth is that for our own peace of mind there are things that we can start to shift to help us let go of our own estimates of pain. Last week I was irritated that a certain friend chose to spend time elsewhere, other than with me. So, I stopped and acknowledged the disappointment, but then moved on to the idea that I can build a story around this as a rejection, or I can create thoughts about how nice it was for this person to spend time with their family. Which one is going to support me best? Which one will support my relationship? Which one will create stress and unhappiness and which one will create peace? The truth bomb here is that we control our stress levels with our stories.

So, we’re not just about talk – we’re about action. So here’s a little how-to on the Cognitive Restructuring front: a 3 step process

1.Identify the thoughts that are causing you stress and anxiety, depression or self-doubt.

If you have a belief that you are unlovable, or dirty or a bad mom, or that everyone else knows the key to happiness and you’re the only one missing the key. I’m not good enough. I’m not skinny enough.  My ADHD means I can’t do this.  – Identify the thought/s.

2.  The exercise of noticing when you feel that way will become a habit. After you notice, follow the thought back to see where it stems from.

For example, you notice that you are stressed that your sister and her husband are coming for dinner. You don’t want to feel stressed, you know it’s not that big of a deal, so you start following the thought bread crumbs back…I’m feeling stressed because I still have to pick up celery for the soup. I know I can do it on the way home from work, but there are 5 or 6 steps to get dinner ready and what if I don’t have time to set an Etsy appropriate table? Why do I care about this? I care because my sister is always sharp, on the ball, I’ve always felt like she was judging how frumpy my life looked in comparison. Why do I think she thinks this? I don’t know, but she must. Who wouldn’t? So, this stress is about the created worry that my sister will judge me? What if she does? What if I just made a good meal, broke bread with family in love and worried less about appearances? How would the love I bring change my feelings and any potential judgment?

3. Once you find the original source of the stress and challenge that thought, you begin to release old stories and emotionally negative beliefs, and this can change your feelings. There is an intimate link between what we think and what we feel. Cognitive restructuring allows you to change the way you feel by changing what you think. It’s a process of replacing damaging thoughts and beliefs with more accurate and beneficial beliefs. You target the thoughts causing you the anxiety, depression and pressure and stress.

So…let’s recap – #1 – the new research on stress is that it only causes physical harm when you believe that it causes physical harm. So you can change your physical response to stressful situations by claiming the new things we know about appreciating the bodies systems for helping you to prepare for your highest performance level.

#2 Again, is in the mind – the only external things that cause you to stress are the ones that you internally have stories around the nature of the thing or event. So again, you can recognize and adjust your own irritation, stress, crazy levels by considering the internal stories you have around them.

Albert Schweitzer said, “The greatest discovery of any generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering the attitudes of their minds.”

And, last but not least – your challenge this week is to use the cognitive restructuring steps on just one thought that’s causing you stress or discomfort this week. Just try it out.

I love this final quote because it’s an ode to our beautiful complexity as human beings and our creative, messy space of figuring out how to live well and create our best life stories: It’s by Audre Lorde. She said,

“I am my best work—a series of road maps, reports, recipes, doodles, and prayers from the front lines.”

Have a great week people. Thanks for being here. Please access the loveyourstorypodcast.com website and take advantage of the online courses for reframing your stories that are holding you back, or getting started on the 21-LIFE Connection challenges for creating your best life purpose with these 21-Life Hacks.

See you next week people! Live your best life story.

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast where we share stories so we can learn and growth with each other, and where we talk about story tools – life hacks—for living your best life story on purpose.

Today I’m talking with Laurann Turner, author of Every Single Day.

Laurann was raised on a small farm in Northern Utah.  She has an MBA and worked in the Healthcare Industry for 12 years in various positions including her latest job as Vice President of Operations. While working and building her exterior successes, she realized on the inside she wasn’t happy. – I think we’ve all been at a place where we can relate to that —  Having a desire to have inner peace & happiness she walked away from her esteemed career and six-figure income and then decided to start listening to her higher power and embark on a  16-month journey to reconnect with inner self and to become who she is truly meant to be.

She sold her beloved house in order to disconnect with old ties and in her book Every Single Day she describes the steps, processes and experienced she used to find happiness Every Single Day. Many claim she is a beacon of joy & inspiration – I second that. Laurann is a courageous individual and an avid navigator of life’s trials.  She loves encouraging, mentoring and supporting those who want to work on becoming their best, most authentic selves.  She works as a professional Realtor, Master Cookie Decorator, Author, and Occasional Clothing Model, but today she’s going to share her story and shine a light on the path of transformation.

Tune in to the audio program for my discussion with Laurann.

Every Single Day we create the next page in our story. Every single day we choose how to live and what thoughts to let dominate our minds. Every Single Day we create or destroy, we hide or we throw the doors open and live boldly. Every Single Day we have choice. What does your day look and feel like? What changes might you need to make to enjoy the journey Every Single Day?

Thanks for tuning in to today’s story. Don’t forget you can go to the website, www.loveyourstorypodcast.com to get access to all the past episodes, to buy t-shirts, to sign up for the 21 LIFE Connection Challenges or to start the 5 Steps to Reframing a Past Story course. I hope you’ll use the tools and share the podcast with people you think would find value in it. See you next week.

For more information on Laurann Turner or to find her book:

everysingledaycorporation.com

Intagram: @laurannturner

Katie Houston is a thirty-something high school choir teacher who is passionate about education, writing, musicals, and human interaction.  She studied music education at BYU and the University of Utah and dreams of someday writing a book.  Her hobbies include singing with the Tabernacle Choir on Temple Square, crafting homemade cards, trying to look like she knows what she’s doing at Orange Theory Fitness, and watching crime TV.

In todays interview we follow Katie’s challenge to date 35 men in 3 months. This is how it got started:

She woke up early in the morning a couple days before her 35th birthday and spontaneously set a crazy goal: She was going on 35 dates in 3 months using social media to help connect her with new people. She launched her experiment by asking friends and family on Facebook and Instagram to set her up and she stayed active on dating apps. She also appeared on a Facebook live show called, “Friday Night Love” and discussed her experiment.

Her goal was about the journey and not the end result. She didn’t expect to fall in love, but welcomed it if it happened. She kept a journal of each date on her blog, “A Teacher’s Diary.” She called it 35 Chances, because she viewed each date as a new chance to learn something about dating. She chose to focus her writing on positive lessons learned rather than a dating critique. She learned a lot about herself, both good and bad, and met some very cool people.

Did she fall in love? You’ll have to listen to find out!

Tune into the audio program as we follow her challenge.

To follow Katie or to get in touch with her: