Love Your Story: Stories and discussions about personal growth, mindset and living with intention

Welcome to the LYS Podcast! Every person I interview on this show has a story. They share those stories with us - the wins, the losses, the heartbreak and the learning. Man! There are some great stories on this podcast. 

As I’ve spoken with people  - in general - about their stories, often people say, “I don’t have a story. I just have a regular old life. Nothing to hear here.” 

My guest today is Amanda Edgar. After a life in academia she decided  to leave the university and founded Page and Podium Press, a publishing company that helps people share their stories and create world-changing books. Tune in as I talk with Amanda about finding and sharing your stories.

Bio:

Amanda Edgar is an award winning author, ghostwriter, book coach and founder of Page and Podium Press. She is the co-author of the forthcoming Summer of 2020: George Floyd and the Resurgence of the Black Lives Matter Movement. She has been invited to speak at organizations such as FedEx and the US Department of State where she shares philosophy on issues of identity, and socially conscious storytelling.

Tune into the audio program to hear us talk about questions like:

1. Tell me your story - the juicy bits - and how did you come to be a story expert
2. What if someone wants to write their memoir - why should they? how do they start?
3. How do we use our personal stories to empower others?
4. I’m told that you like to talk about the science of story telling and how we can make our stories land every time. Tell me about that.
5. Let’s talk about vulnerability - some of the most powerful stories are those that we are the most afraid to share…how vulnerable is too vulnerable? Where is that line?
6. When you help someone write a book about themselves how do you generally organize it - is it stories by theme, or chronologically, what does that look like?
7. I know you primarily work with leaders who want to share and publish their stories to support their teams and career, but what advice do you have for regular folks who are considering writing their personal stories?
8. How can someone find you if they want to work with you?

How to contact Amanda:

www.pageandpodium.com/checklist

www.pageandpodium.com

WRAP UP:

I’ve been working on my father’s life history. He’s still alive so I can ask him lots of questions, which is huge, but it’s no small task trying to put a life down on the page. I’ve also seen life history companies that send out a question to their clients and their clients write about it and then they compile the stories into a history, one story at a time. I’ve found as I’ve studied story that we use stories - the function of stories is varied - we use them to show that we are part of a group - like someone telling a story about how they rode a certain mountain bike trail to illustrate their prowess in biking. We use stories to warn - telling a story of narrowly escaping a tight situation in a dark park is a warning for others not to walk in dark parks alone. We share stories to teach, for example sharing a personal story about how you learned a lesson - what did you learn from your divorce, let’s say.  I could go on. But as you consider your stories - sharing them and organizing them, recording them or publishing them, let me assure you that YOU do have a story. Your story is not any more regular than anyone else - we all have a heroes journey.

We’ll see you in two weeks for our Quick Chat episode. Please share this episode with someone who is thinking about writing or sharing their story and hope on LoveYourStoryPodcast.com to leave me a voicemail about topics you’d like to hear about.

See you in two weeks.

Welcome to the Love Your Story Podcast. Today we are starting off the new Quick Chat series - this is the first one. Let me know what you think of it. It's one inspirational idea in 15 minutes or less.

I’ve always loved thrift shopping. I think it started because I’ve carefully budgeting has been important to me and I love a bargain. I have no serious problem with sharing clothes that have been warn by someone else - just wash them first. I’ve found wonderful treasures, unexpected booty, every summer at yard sales. Every year I find the woman who is retiring all her craft supplies and I buy everything from ribbon, to tiny brads, to unopened packages of name-brand card stock, to perfectly cellophane wrapped embellishments that would be a perfect addition to my card making supplies - my art is making hand-made cards. I take the discarded supplies and make beautiful hand-made cards that I send all over the country, sell, or trade. I dare say that half the holiday accouterment for my home has also been purchased from women who set up tables in their yards to find new homes for the things they were tired of and make a buck doing it. This type of sharing, of recycling, feels fun and woven with hope that you’ll find the perfect treasures for pennies on the dollar. In this way we use and reuse - enjoy an item while it is with us and then set it free to continue it’s life in a fresh new space with someone else who will love the novelty of seeing it anew.  

The discarded finding new life through new eyes.

My first dog was an black, curly, eight pound miniature poodle. My ex-husband’s sister had somehow ended up with brother and a sister puppies, and the little miss had been pushed around by her brother, who was slightly larger, as well as the four little boys in that family that thrived on teasing and rough housing. Molly-dog wasn’t doing well.  On a weekend when MY boys were with their dad I got the phone call.

“Can we bring home a dog?  It’s really nice and little and I promise we’ll take care of it. Just for a few days?”

I told them absolutely not. I wasn’t going to deal with puppy puddles and shedding in my house. Never. They continued their plight: “She doesn’t shed, she’s been potty trained, she comes with her own kennel, dog dish, and she’s had all her shots.” 

“Please mom! Just for a couple days while Tina and Doug are in town?” 

I allowed with the agreement that she’d stay in the garage at nights and that she could only stay for two days.  That darling, bullied little dog never left, and never spent one night in the garage. From the day she entered the front door, until she died years later, she rarely, if ever left my side. She was always afraid of other dogs, and people. But, I was her person. And what an honor that was. 

The something beautiful that came from this bullied puppy, failing to thrive in her current home, was a love of my life. We made a beautiful life together, and as is often the case with dogs, we think we are giving them a home, but they become the home for our hearts. Something very beautiful came from the broken.

My own life isn’t so different from these spaces of working with the broken and discarded to create something better, even infinitely more precious. After three marriages and three divorces, broken is a word I understand. Broken heart. Broken home. Broken dreams. These are words we hear all the time but each one of them is loaded with heavy burdens and crippling, dark days. I think it’s fair to say we all know the word ‘broken,’ for life  is always full of unexpected challenges, and everyone will have dark-nights of the soul. But here’s what I found…. years later and with focus and effort I built something better on the ashes of those relationships. I built a woman who knows she can get through hard things. I built a heart that I know survives. I built a home of safety and love for my children and myself. I built a life with stories shifted to consider the things I’d learned rather than one that was stuck in “he did me wrong” victimhood. On the ashes of a life torn down over and over I kept rebuilding. 

That’s not to say that I haven’t had to take down and rebuild to get it right, or that making it beautiful isn’t an on-going process, it is. But that’s the way of it.

When I walked with my best friend Molly-dog and she sprang through the green grasses of the park while I looked up at the beautiful mountains that surround my home and watched the seasons change, day after day, month after month, we built something beautiful.

When I comb through a thrift shop or a yard sale finding those things I can use to make my home beautiful or that I can transform into handmade cards that share love, I take the thing someone else discards and create something beautiful -with a little effort, a little vision, and some heart.

Making something beautiful from the broken discarded stuff of life is what we do. It’s a bit of alchemy. It’s the power of love, vision, and hope.

Thanks for listening today to my Quick Chat thoughts. What beauty are you creating from the broken and discarded stuff of life? Think about it.

We’ll see you in two weeks for the next episode of the Love Your Story podcast. Join me for another great interview - another great story. 

Find all the episodes on www.loveyourstorypodcast.com

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. Today’s show takes us into the story of the death of a 9-year-old boy after a ski accident at Big Sky in Montana. The tragedy, as you would expect, brought his parent’s to their knees, on a path none of us want to walk. But Nick Shaw - today’s guest -  sought meaning as the life-line to hold to as he moved forward, and part of his healing process involved putting it down in writing, sharing the lessons he learned from his son. Stay tuned as he shares his story and as we discuss his book: My Teacher, My Son: Lessons on Life, Loss and Love.

Nick Shaw, William’s father,  an accomplished executive coach, and the author of My Teacher, My Son, joins us today to share his story and the things he’s learned along the way.

Nick, welcome to the show.

I wanted to read a quick review of your book:

Kelly McGonigal, PhD, Research Psychologist at Stanford University writes:

“It seems impossible that a book about unimaginable grief could offer so much hope, yet that is the gift of My Teach, My Son. With breath taking honesty, Nick Shaw shows how love, joy and continued connection co-exist with loss, change and challenge. The courage of Nick’s self-reflection empowers each of us to find a way forward. A truly heart empowering read.”

Very high praise.

Tune into the audio program to hear answers to the following discussion questions:

• I know your story - I finished your book last week - but of course none of the listeners know who you are yet, so can we please start with your story? Tell us about your family and about that day.
• In dealing with this devastating loss, you chose to look for lessons. What have been the greatest lessons you have learned?
• In your book you say:

“I took a six-month leave of absence from work to be

with Susie and Kai and to try to make sense of everything. This pause gave

me the time and space to reflect and ask, “Is this the way I want to go on

living my life?” While the answer is important, I found that taking the time

to ask the question is more important.”   TELL ME ABOUT THIS. I LOVE THE QUESTION.

• As your healing progresses and a year later you and Susan have your third son, you say, In another section of the book,

“ I had to be able to hold both my despair and my happiness at the same time. I had to accept that I could be happy and sad at the same time. I could revel in the delight of holding mynewborn son and at the same time be devastated by the loss of my oldest son. I could delight in sharing new and exciting experiences with Kai and at the same time be shattered by the fact that I will never be able to share those same experiences with William. I had to stop letting one feeling diminish the other; I made room for both feelings to coexist.

I feel like this is a healthy mindset that allows room for the complexity of the emotional journey. Talk to us about this idea...

• When we are going through something traumatic, how do we not let the emotion and trauma just take over? How do we maintain our ability to choose mindset?

To connect with Nick or get a copy of his book:

www.meetnickshaw.com

LinkedIn: Nick Shaw

https://www.amazon.com/My-Teacher-Son-Lessons-Life/dp/B0CH7F5MGW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1DV39OWBU5NVO&keywords=My+teacher+my+son&qid=1701198329&sprefix=my+teacher+my+s%2Caps%2C332&sr=8-1

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your experience with us.

One of the most human things we do is share our stories that we can learn from one another’s experiences. Today, Nick has shared the story of his journey of navigating tragedy and grief, that when we face our own dark nights of the soul we will know how others have walked theirs.

Please share this episode with anyone that you know who would benefit from hearing this story around the technological campfire.

We’ll see you in two weeks, for the Love Your Story Quick Chat - one inspirational idea in 15 minutes or under. 

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast!

As 2023 comes to a close it’s time for the annual  “Best Of” episode - This is where we look back at which episodes of the Love Your Story podcast were the favorites of the listeners. Which ones did you guys like best?

Tune in for the Top 5 Episodes, a clip from each, and if you’ve missed one of these favs - go back and listen to get all the goods. Coming right up…. the years top 5 favorites…

Welcome to the top 5 Love Your Story Podcast episodes of 2023. Let’s start with #5.

#5 falls to one of our latest episodes. It’s called “Voices of Healing” it’s episode #252. It’s a compilation episode where I pulled in clips from lots of past interviews so we heard from Todd Sylvester, Amanda Grow, Dianne Butterfield, Trevor Lay….and others about their healing journeys. I think this episode was so powerful because we learn from one another, and when we pull in real life healing stories from so many different people, with different experiences, as well as professionals, well…there’s a lot to learn and something for everyone. We all have things to heal from, so we all want to understand this path better. Here’s a clip….

Tune in to hear the clip...

If you want to hear all the stories from this favorite, go back to episode 252, this one launched on Aug. 23 of this year, and take a listen to the whole show.

Ok. Here we are at #4 - the number 4 favorite episode of 2023 was episode 239: my interview with Chris Hawker. This episode was titled: Tools to Magnify our Worthiness. I loved my chat with Chris because he is a man that has been in the leadership of Next Level Trainings - which was where I did a great deal of my work in moving my life forward - learning to reframe my stories. Chris came on the podcast and was honest and vulnerable about his own struggle with feelings of unworthiness. We talked about how these stories of unworthiness happen, how he navigated his, and then we get to hear some of his wonderful suggestion for reframing those erroneous and destructive feelings. I think this one is a favorite because working through any feelings of unworthiness is an important part of really becoming YOU. Here’s a clip:

Tune in to hear the clip...

to hear the rest of his story about his road to truly embracing his real self worth… - again, it’s episode 239 and it aired on February 22 of this year.

Now on to #3 top fav for 2023. It’s none other than What Kindness Can Do with Peter Mutabazi in episode 242.

Peter Mutabazi grew up in Uganda. In this episode we hear his whole story - the  brave escape from an abusive father at 10 years old, his subsequent life as a child living on the streets struggling daily to stay alive, and the fortuitous meeting of a man who would change Peter’s life, and in so doing change the lives his siblings, their children, and all the children Peter now helps as a foster parent. This was part 1 of a two part series that was just incredible. One of my favorite interviews because he story is shocking, incredible, and how often do you get to speak with someone who was there to see the Tutsi and Hutu massacre in Rwanda - he talks about that in the second episode in this series, What Hate Can Do. The whole thing was incredible. Here is the beginning of his story.

Tune in to hear the clip...

Again, to listen to the whole episode and the next episode -it’s a 2 part series, for his whole incredible story. He’s amazing.

Now for the #2 favorite of the year….. Episode 244 - Tips on Connecting with Your Man. My interview with Laura Doyle.  I found it super interesting that the listeners were wanting tips on connecting in relationships. I guess I should have guessed it - that IS an important part of our lives - so fun that this was a favorite.

Laura Doyle is a New York Times Bestselling Author and the star of Empowered Wives on Amazon Prime, and hosts The Empowered Wives Podcast. On her home page it says, “I show women the proven way to fix their relationships without their man’s conscious effort–even if it seems completely hopeless.”  Well - in our interview I was actually really surprised at the tips she shared. Definitely not things I would have guessed. Here’s a clip.

Tune in to hear the clip...

to hear how this tip worked, and to hear her other tips, go to episode 244 and get the whole enchilada.

Now #1!!!! Drum Roll! 

The very favorite episode for the year is one of our latest ones - episode 255: Developing Healthy Thinking Patterns.  This is part of the Emotional Resilience series I did here in October and November. I’m excited that people are thinking and talking about this topic, because healthy thinking patterns make ALL the difference in our experience with life. It’s the crux of Love Your Story - The stories you create in your mind are your Reality. Learning to nurture healthy thinking patterns will help you bounce back when things get tough. We want the emotional resilience and we want that power in creating our lives every day.

Tune in to hear the clip...

If you want to listen to that entire episode, again, it’s episode 255. It’s a powerful discussion on specific healthy thinking patterns.

A big thank you to all the listeners of the Love Your Story podcast. We have embarked on our 8th year this year and I’m grateful for every one of you. I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to reach out. You can leave voice messages or send notes on the website - www.loveyourstorypodcast.com.

 I hope you had a wonderful 2023 and that in 2024 you will find yourself enjoying the interviews and stories we’ll share in the new year. A quick announcement: for 2024 I am introducing a new format - I’ve been loving podcasts that I can tune into for a quick bit of learning. So I’m going to provide the same for you guys. This next year I’m going to switch up between our regular interviews and stories and what I’m calling Love Your Story Quick Chat - one inspirational idea in 15 minutes or less. We do two episodes a month. The first will be our regular format - 30-40 minute interview sharing life stories about triumph and tragedy - usually both in the same stories - and of course what was learned and how they navigated those spaces, and then the second episode for the month will be a Quick Chat where, in under 15 minutes, we’re going to discuss one idea, a healthy thinking pattern, a hopeful concept. Sometimes I’ll have a co-host, sometimes I’ll just dial into why this idea feels important, but it will be a quick bit of inspiration for your day. I hope you’ll love it.

See you in two weeks in 2024.

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. It’s December and we are winding down 2023 with two of the best episodes of the year. In a couple week’s we’ll have the Best of 2023 episode, which looks at download numbers for all the episodes throughout the year to find out what the favorites have been - I always love that episode. It gives me lots of great info. but it also gives the listeners a quick peak at 5 excellent episodes with a small quip from each, so if you missed any of them you can go back and listen……..AND our final interview of the year is today with Cortney McDermott.

I’ll tell you why I think this is going to be one of the best episodes of the year. On Love Your Story we are all about living into our best lives. We are all about intention and responsibility. We are all about gaining a greater understanding of universal laws and how they work so we can work with more faith, allowance, and intention to create what we want, well…I’ve been in this place lately where I’ve been trying to figure out how quantum physics works with the power of our own minds, how to manifest in bigger ways, how to get rid of mental corrals and think beyond what I’m used to….and then guess what shows up? This woman - Corney McDermott and her book “Give Yourself Permission.”

I admit, as I read the book I really dreaded trying to write up my notes for the interview because there are tooooooo many things I want to talk about. Soooo much I’d love to get Cortney’s perspetive on…so it’s going to be a value packed show.

Cortney McDermott is an award-winning author, she is a TedX speaker, and a mind-body expert who helps the world’s leading organizations and creatives to disrupt old patterns of behavior, grow healthy businesses and apply the physiology and psychology needed for success.  She has been featured in Inc. Women’s Health, Success, The Huffington Post, FOX news and lot of other mainstream business and life style media. She was an executive at Vanity Fair Corporation….and I could go on, but I just want to talk with her,  So….

Cortney…. Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast.

First, who are you? What’s your story….let me get more specific…..in your introduction you say that years ago you started having experiences you couldn’t explain, like losing a lot of weight overnight..and another time you were transported out of the constraints of time and space.

Whaaattt?  1. Who are you and why did these things happen, and what were they like?

Listen to the audio program to hear Cortney's story and some in depth conversation on how we can connect with a greater flow of life by relaxing, listening, following inspiration, and doing with joy.

We talk about intrinsic motivation vs. hard pushing and I talk with her about my lack of understanding about how we can make things happen by relaxing. What does it look like when you are a type A personality and the best flow of life lies in relaxing, surrendering?

How to reach Cortney:

CortneyMcDermott.com

Book: Give Yourself Permission

Tune in next week for our season closing episode - The Best of 2023 - and see what all the listener favorites were. See you in two weeks.

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. We are closing in on winter, and I always like to pull in a guest with some wintery story - a professional skier or a mountaineer - during these chilly months. We’ll today’s guest fills that bill nicely. 

Get ready to be inspired by my guest Jenn Drummond. She is a mountaineer who has conquered the world’s seven second summits and recently became a world record holder. But her journey goes far beyond mountaineering. As you’ll see, her story, of being in a horrific car accident that brought her inches from death,  is a testament to resilience, motivation and the exhilaration of achievement. Her book, QuitProof: the 7 Necessities for Becoming Resilient, will be released in January.

Jenn, Welcome to the LYS podcast. 

Let’s start with your story.

Join the audio conversation to hear about her summiting the 7 second tallest summits in the world. How to be resilient and how to intentionally build our life. Come listen as she shares her story of a car accident that shifted her world.

How to get a hold of Jenn:

Website: https://jenndrummond.com

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenn-drummond/

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/drummond_jenn

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thejenndrummond/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@jenndrummond

Resilience has been a strong theme this year. It’s been on my mind because I’ve been watching people struggle, a lot of the upcoming generation struggle with mental health, in particular, and the ability to be resilient, or to at least work on strengthening our resilience bit by bit, has become crucial to survival, to healthy living, to thriving, to making it through….Jenn’s book is timely.

Whether you are in a place that is requiring your resilience strength at the moment, or you are in a spot where things aren’t so heavy, taking little steps to strengthen your resilience skills is important. Healthy living patterns, strengthening our emotional and mental bounce-back, these are done with intention and repetition. Work those muscles. 

We just finished with a set of 5 emotional resilience episodes to support your growth and strength-finding journey, use those as well. Little by little we work those muscles, we come to know that we can over come. We are strong. We can stand on the summits of our challenges.

Have a great week. Live with intention. I’ll see you in two weeks for our next fabulous episode.

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast. 

This is the last of the 5-Part Series on Creating Emotional Resilience.

This series was created from a class I took, you’ve heard about it in all the other episodes - in it  we practiced different skills like healthy thinking patterns, managing stress, overcoming anger….all the good stuff. Take from it what resonates with you, that you may navigate your life with a bit more resilience. One step at a time. These are muscles we are trying to develop. Emotional resilience muscles.

Today’s episode is about one of our strongest emotions. Anger.

It’s a real emotion that we don’t want to deny, but that we need to learn to navigate and choose thoughts and actions that create more peace in us rather than feed the anger beast. Stay tuned.

As I am writing this episode we just completed the April 2023 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As I sat and listened to the prophets and leaders I was surprised at how many talks were about not being contentious. Even the prophet himself focused his primary message on the topic of being peacemakers. 

In 3 Nephi 11:29-30 the Savior taught the Nephites: “There shall be no disputations among you…for verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another behold this is NOT my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”

Anger is something we all feel. It’s an emotion that rears it’s head when underneath we really feel resentful, disappointed, ashamed, hopeless, guilty, our expectations are unmet, we are embarrassed, frustrated, anxious, threatened, rejected, hurt, offended, heartbroken…there are a lot of underlying emotions and situations that trigger anger. 

Emotional resilience means that we are able to more effectively understand our emotions and manage them. This is a life-time of work, but a very important part of our work. This is part of living with awareness and moving toward higher ways of being.

Let’s consider a couple ideas.

1. Anger comes from lots of various emotions, as I’ve just mentioned.  Understanding that can help us get to the bottom of an angry situation so we can deescalate it and understand ourselves better. What I mean by this is that when you feel yourself getting angry, stop and consider what’s causing the anger. Are your feelings hurt? Are you disappointed? Are you embarrassed? Once we understand what has us so upset we can navigate the situation better - sometimes even just understanding that can help you better communicate with the person you are angry with. For instance, let’s say you’ve asked your husband to do something numerous times and he doesn’t get around to doing it. You can spiral in the “Why doesn’t he listen to me? Why can’t he help? Why can’t he see the wisdom in doing it this way?” etc. etc. or you can identify that perhaps you’re feeling disrespected, resentful, unappreciated, hurt. With this knowledge you can then open a conversation, “When  I ask you to help rake the leaves up over and over and it doesn’t get done, I feel unheard, disrespected, hurt.” This approach shares a vulnerable insight into your feelings that focuses on you and doesn’t focus on making accusations toward him At the very least this opens space for communication. People talking things out and striving to understand another’s position on something is a tool to choosing peace and peacemaking over anger and contention.

2. Understanding that anger escalates and how to manage anger, or cool down can be a life-saving tool. Things that make anger escalate: making accusation often gets people’s blood a pumping; continuing to argue once you’re angry; yelling or screaming keeps things escalating; dwelling on the hurt and planning revenge will escalate a situation; and of course, any kind of violence will escalate a situation. 

On the flip side of the coin, what are ways to de-escalate an angry situation - One of the most powerful is to give the other the benefit of the doubt. One of my friends created a story in her mind that I was stabbing her in the back. She created an entire false story and then destroyed the relationship because she didn’t bring her fears to me or give me the benefit of the doubt. I can’t help but be so sad that she didn’t give me that benefit of the doubt because it would have changed everything. She had completely misinterpreted all kinds of things.

Sometimes postponing a response until you have time to think through your thoughts and say the right thing/ say what you really mean. Sometimes just getting out and burning it out of your system with some exercise. I used to hop on my bike and ride3 15 miles when my kids were young and I needed a break.

Meditation, prayer, relaxation, calming music, humor - you can’t really laugh and be angry at the same time, so this can definitely cool your blood. 

Find a way that works for you to navigate your emotions, and help your family members find a way that works for them. What a great healthy, resilient strength to know how to navigate tough emotions.

3. Anger is a choice. Let’s play with some examples. Lynn G. Robbins, in the May 1998 Ensign said, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step to eliminating it from our lives.” We will feel anger, that’s not bad, it’s just part of being here, but we can chose our response to that anger. We can feed it or we can chose something else - a management technique, a cooling down period, a different approach - like we just discussed.

Let’s do a few story problems?

1. You are driving home from work and you’re tired and traffic is heavy. You’re late for an appointment and another driver almost causes an accident and then flips you off. Automatically you think “What? How dare he think that was my fault? What a total jerk.” Your underlying emotions at that point are fatigue, unjust accusation, stress. What are your options for managing this anger? You don’t want to keep the anger and take it home with you. You don’t want to give it any more space and time in your heart. Take a deep breath, maybe turn on calming music. Remind yourself - I can either make this better or I can make this worse. If I escalate things there could be an accident, I will end up taking home all the anger, things could turn violent. Will I stoke the fire or let it go?   I’ve shared this story before, but it applies here: I walked up to the door of my Transendental Meditation seminar and the door was locked so another student and I were standing outside and started to talk. I’d had a rough week because one of my real estate client was having a tough life space and had been taking out her feelings on me with false accusation and bullying. I wanted to stay professional but I also needed to maintain boundaries in the way I let people treat me and it was causing me a bunch of stress. So I started sharing my frustrations with this other student. He was further along in the study of meditation than I was and he’d been around the world studying different styles. When I had completed my tale of whoa, he tossed his pen across the space between us and I instinctively reached out to grab it. He said, “You didn’t have to catch that you know.” “What do you mean?” I said. He responded, “People can throw anything they want at you and you don’t have to catch it. If you don’t catch it it falls to the ground. It’s like a fire. If you don’t add fuel to it it will eventually go out.” I’ve never forgotten that simple teaching moment.
2. You told your son to do his chores before he left to hang out with his friends. He ignored you and just went and did his own thing. The feelings might be “Why doesn’t he listen to me? I’m so tired of asking him to do things and having him ignore me. etc.” As you consider your own feelings you may feel disrespected, disappointment, hurt that after all you do for him he can’t contribute just a little. What is a response that can cool the anger and thus you can deal with it in a more productive way when he gets home?  Creating an intentional plan such as sharing with him why it’s important to you that he do his chores - to help the house look nice and create a clean environment, because he’s an important part of the whole and he needs to contribute. You can also create consequences when you have a cool head rather than when you’re mad. “If you choose to go play with friends again before you clean your room, then you will be choosing to skip a day of playing with friends, or you will lose a certain privilege, or you will lose $5 of allowance if I have to clean it for you. Once you’ve been clear with the consequences, he can make his choice and the consequence happens without anger. An important lesson in choice/agency and consequence.

We can choose to respond to anger. In the Emotional Resilence workbook Elder Robbins tells a story about an athletically talented young man who lost his temper when he made  a bad move on the basketball court and missed an easy shot. He became angry, stomped and whined. The coach told him that if he did that again he wouldn’t be allowed to play. The young man made sure to control his temper throughout the rest of his high school basketball career. He learned that anger and acting out IS a choice and it can be controlled when we want to. 

In  an earlier episode of the LYS podcast, episode 158 -A Healthy Relationship to Fear: Interview Kristen Ulmer, a thought leader on fear and anxiety who draws from her tenure as the most fearless woman extreme skier in the world for 12 years, from intently studying Zen for 16 years, and from facilitating tens of thousands of clients on flow and peak performance,

She talks about her perspective on handling difficult emotions. While she is specifically addressing fear, the topic is really any difficult emotion. Here’s what she shared.

Tune into the show to hear this clip.

It was interesting to me that Katherine Reynolds, our therapist who spoke to us in these episodes and Kristen mentioned the same thing, about trying less to control with force our difficult emotions, and instead being aware and learning to navigate them. There must be some truth here.

This is the final episode in the 5-part series. Hopefully you’ve found some big take-aways, but all you really need is one. Share these episodes - with the people you love and let’s all work and support one another in improving our emotional resilience. I don’t think life is getting easier, we will just get stronger as we work the emotional resilience muscles.

Keep up the great work. 

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast.

Have you ever been in a tight spot where a strong family relationship or a great friendship provided you a space for staying sane or healing? Let me rattle off a few that come to mind quickly for me:

Once I was talking with my therapist during my marriage to an emotionally abusive man. I was explaining how I had left and gone to my parents for a weekend. I remember her response because she praised me for intuitively going to a mentally safe space when things got hard for me. Going to a space where there were supporting relationships

I’ve noticed a comparison to the times that was single and had to deal with a hard day, a deep frustration with a real estate client, or a betrayal from a friend, vs. being married to a really good man whom I can vent with and go to for a place to talk and and shoulder to lean it. It’s a big difference.

I love that I have healthy relationships with my siblings. We laugh together and often play together, and at the very base of those relationships is the feeling that I have a strong base. I have roots. I’m not alone. Knowing that strengthens me.

As we develop loving relationships with others, our physical, emotional and spiritual health is strengthened. Family and friends provide love, support, daily sounding boards, socialization, people we learn from and teach, people we laugh with. We need each other.  The adversary wants to isolate us from others. He wants to deprive us of the blessings that come from healthy relationships. 

This episode is Part 4 of a 5-part series on Emotional Resilience. This started from an emotional resilience course I took with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I wanted to share some of my biggest take-aways from the 188 page 10 week course. I hope these episodes - this series, will support you in your own quest for choosing emotional resilience skills.  Today’s episode is entitled: Stronger together: building resilience through healthy relationships. Stay tuned and let’s talk about this simple but super important foundation for emotional resilience.

People were not made to rock things solo. We are social creatures. We all understand this because we are drawn to relationship. We want to find love. We seek after community and friendship. Babies who are not held and loved wither away and die. During Covid when we were kept from one another we saw serious mental issues surface across the board. I know for me, when I was single and my kids would leave for the weekend with their dad, I would sometimes be alone for an entire weekend, by the time Sunday got there I could feel the crazy of being alone. It’s also why solitary confinement is considered the ultimate punishment in the penal system. We need each other. Today’s emotional resilience episode is all about the reminder of the importance of building healthy relationships. Perhaps this simple concept is the basis, the most basic of creating healthy living.

Today’s show will go over 8 main points of creating healthy relationships. Things you probably intuitively know, but it’s always good to get a reminder. We’ll throw in a few recommendations and skills as well.

#1

Creating relationships means BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS. This means you must take initiative and invest in the relationship. What does initiative look like? Inviting someone to meet for lunch or to come over for dinner, or to ride bikes or meet for an evening out. Reaching out to talk, go on a walk, share ideas. I

Investing in a person looks like remembering special days for them, checking on them, sharing life experiences, talking, playing. Basically creating space for them in your life and initiating relationship.

There is a book a read 25 years ago probably, that I’ve never forgotten, it’s called Investment of a Lifetime: A personal guide to investing in your life.  This book took an entirely different look at things. The premise was looking at time as a commodity. “You can put money aside and save it but you cannot put time aside for future use You either invest time or you spend it. It taught me to look at my time as an investment. This investment attitude actually changed a lot of things for me - because mindset is everything. When I started looking at the time I was spending with friends, or siblings and later with my children as an investment, it made it mean something different than just being places and spending time. Let me share an example from the book:

READ STORY FROM BOOK ON PAGE 11

#2. 

Become genuinely interested in people. Learn what other people love and enjoy. Support things that are important to them. We don’t have to have everything in common, but real friendship supports and cares about things that are important to your friend, family member, spouse.

My real friends care about my podcast and show interest because they know it’s important to me. We all are caught up in our own worlds, but when we truly care about and support others we know what is important to them and care about their success.

My husband has decided to become a pilot. He cares about this new endeavor so I listen, support, and help him make time for something that is important to him.

You have a child who participates in a sport or extra curricular activity. You go to the games, or concerts, you watch and cheer.

This goes back to #1 about being willing to invest in your relationships, but it is this type of caring and support that builds relationship. If you have a relationship you want to make stronger, try this.

#3. 

Be a good listener: As a journalist I am naturally inquisitive. I always ask a lot of questions when I meet someone because I’m genuinely interested in their answers. I find this makes me a great conversationalist, because people can always talk about themselves. It’s a topic they now and understand, not to mention, most people deeply want to be seen, heard, and appreciated. Part of this skill, that we can all work on a little, is not interrupting.

The first time I really saw this in action was back in my early 20’s. I was over at my boyfriend’s house talking with his parents and I noticed that when someone was talking they would let the person finish completely before they would put in their two cents. It was weird. I noticed they did it with each other, even when they didn’t agree with each other, and whenever I would speak they’d let me completely finish my thought before giving theirs. It was peaceful. It was different. It was noticeable. 

Bryant H McGill said, “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”

Kathryn Reynolds has been our resident therapist on this Emotional Resilience Series and one of the skills she recommends is called Empathic Listening. Here is how she explained it. 

Insert Katheryn Reynolds interview: 37:34-40:05

Good relationships are based on respect. Besides, when you really listen to what another person is trying to communicate to you, you can discover some very interesting things.

#4. 

Make others feel important: Do it sincerely. We all love to feel important. And, everyone is important. When we respect each other, listen to each other, support each other and take time for each other we are communicating that that person is important to us. 

One of my primary love languages is Time. When people are willing to invest their time with me playing, working, talking…I feel important to them.

The book, The Five Love Languages, very popular. If you haven’t heard of it, look it up. It basically breaks down the 5 primary different ways that people feel loved. So you can spend time with someone, but if their love language is service, you might be speaking Greek to a Frenchman. The idea is to determine what your beloveds love languages are so you can speak your love in a way that they can hear.

This is a great tool - figuring out the love languages of the people you care about.

But the greater point of point #4 is that when we feel important to someone we can build deeper relationship very naturally. MAKE YOUR PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT TO YOU!

We build real relationships one person at a time. Relationships take time. In fact, we don’t have time in our lives for relationships with everyone. There are levels. Think of it like a layered cake, the bottom layer may be all the acquaintences, the next layer the people you consider friends, the next layer the really close friends you want to invest your time with, and the top layer may be your partner, your children, the people who get the most of your time and attention. It’s okay, and I’d say important, to determine which relationships are the ones you want to invest in most heavily and strengthen and build those.

Have you heard the saying, “You are the accumulative of the 5 people you hang around with the most.”  Choosing who you build relationship with is important to your life story.  Choosing friends wisely - those who emulate the type of life you want to live. Live at a higher vibrational level and spend time with people who live in that space.

#5  

Let’s talk about being the type of person who is understanding and non-judgmental. 

Being understanding and non-judgmental makes us happier. This isn’t just something we do for others, this is something we do for us also. 

Everyone naturally makes judgements about situations and about people they interact with on a regular basis. And, to make things worse, when we feel hurt or angry, or envious we throw judgements around even more liberally. 

But if you find yourself doing that in your relationships you will also notice that the judgement is really taxing on the relationship. Choose to allow.

#6

This one is one of the challenges in the 21 Challenges in my book Living Intentional and Fearless Everyday. It is Giving the benefit of the doubt. 

Henry B Eyring, in the Ensign in 2018 said, “When you meet someone, treat them a if they were in serous trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”

Allow for Grace in the lives of others - give grace.

#7 

Conflict resolution is an important part of being emotionally intuitive and in being able to maintain relationships because people will always have differences of opinion. Conflict can happen because we have different values, different perceptions, different motivations, different ideas. In the April 2023 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the entire theme seemed to be focused on being peace makers. Seeking to find solutions to conflict. This must start on an individual basis in individual relationships.

Communicating becomes crucial in relationships. When there is conflict, communication is the way to resolve that conflict. How do you do that successfully? One primary tool that is often suggested and was suggested in this emotional resilience class was  using “I” messages.  When you use I messages you are identifying your feelings rather than blaming another. 

For example: How do you feel if someone says: “You never listen to anyone and your not listening to me.” Now let’s switch and use and I statement: “I feel hurt when I don’t think I am understood or respected when I’m sharing my ideas. Keeping eye contact and letting me finish my ideas helps me feel like you care.”

or

“You are so inconsiderate and thoughtless.” vs “I feel unimportant when you miss dinner without calling.”

So, as you strive to communicate better in your relationships, consider the You statements vs. the I statements. I’d also like to refer you back to Episode 231 - Clearing Conversations. This episode goes into detail on how to approach someone when you need to clear something up in a relationship. 

#8.

Let’s just get back to plain old love. Charity.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in the Ensign in May of 2016 said, “Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle, and with it, even families with great challenges succeed.” 

You’ve heard the saying, “Whatever the issue the answer is love.” When you are in a bind, dealing with any type of relationship, take stock and see how you can move out of judgement, out of fear, and into a space of love.

Let’s close this with a rundown of what we’ve discussed for creating and strengthening our personal relationships - a crucial aspect of living a happy and emotionally resilient life: 

1. Invest time into your relationships

2. Become genuinely interested in people

3. Become a good listener

4. Make people feel important

5. Be understanding and non-judgemental

6. Give the benefit of the doubt

7. Learn Conflict Resolution

8. Charity - Approach relationships with charity, grace, understanding, and not judgment.

Exercise: Let’s think about someone with whom you can build a stronger relationship. Choose someone in your mind. Ok, now identify 3 things you can do to strengthen that relationship. For example - I am choosing my husband. The three things I wrote down that I wanted to work on where 1. Listen better without interruption  2. Don’t criticize 3. when we have differing opinions I will say, “You may consider…” instead of “You should do X,Y or Z”

Because our relationships can be one of our biggest, most significant resources for emotional resilience and survival, I encourage you to nurture them carefully and with love. Because this is part of the beauty of creating a meaningful life - the relationships we invest in are the highlight of our lives.

Welcome to Part 3 in our 5-part Emotional Resilience Series of 2023.  I hope you’ve listened to Part 1 & 2. If not, here’s a little background: I joined an emotional resilience group a few years back. There was a physical therapist, a composer, a nurse, a home economics teacher and me, a Realtor. We did not know each other before hand, and we were doing this course on-line because it was during Covid. This group was put together by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in an effort to support people in learning emotional resilience.

The class focused on learning and practicing spiritual and practical skills to better care for the body, mind, emotions and relationships, and everyone took different things from the sessions, because we’re all at different places on the path with what we needed.

This was a 188 page 10 week course that I’ve pulled from and I hope these will support you in your own quest for choosing emotional resilience skills you can work on to better support your emotional work. 

TODAY I HAVE included some clips from a mental health discussion I had with  KATHERINE REYNOLDS, A Marriage and family therapist who has shown up in all our episodes so far; and parts of a discussion I had with Brigham Haines, host of the Consider Everything podcast, a podcast about mental health….Take from this episode what resonates with you, that you may navigate your life with a bit more resilience. One step at a time.

This episode - Part 3 -  is all about Managing Stress and Anxiety for Emotional Resilience. Stay tuned for stories and insights from professionals.

Let’s put a few things out on the table. The first is a reasonable look at stress. Stress is a buzz word in our culture. We’re going so fast, we’re stressed out. Some see it as a badge of honor, an indicator that they are movin’ and shakin. But for some it’s gone off the charts and shifted into a debilitating anxiety.

Let’s dissect this a bit. Stress, in an of itself, is a normal part of life. It is how the brain and the body respond to any demand - a problem to be solved at work, an important decision you need to make - the right amount of stress helps you focus reach goals, protect yourself. Stress - in the right doses, can be an important part of functioning well. 

When does it get to be too much? Well, when stress becomes uncontrolled worry, or perfectionism, or a predominant fear that thIngs won’t go well, that you won’t be good enough to solve that problem at work, it can cause anxiety. Anxiety, or a feeling of excessive worry or nervousness can cause serious barriers for us. It doesn’t fade when the situation is taken care of. It builds. 

I asked Kathryn Reynolds about her thoughts on stress and anxiety and she gave some definitions and ideas. Here are her thoughts:

Tune in to hear Kathryn's thoughts.

So, comparison can be stressor. 

Let’s look at perfectionism, because this thought error is a big contributor to anxiety as well, and ties into comparison. Perfectionsim is the belief that if we are not perfect in everything, we are a failure and not good enough. Perfectionism is not a sign that you do things well, it is an inner belief that if you don’t do things perfectly that you are unacceptable. Obviously, since no one does things perfectly, this is a terrible waste of time. 

Tune into the podcast to hear what Brigham Haines has to say on this subject.

Kathryn confesses to being a recovering perfectionist and she has some great insights on how it isolates us through false connection. Here’s our conversation:

The podcast has all the clips from our visiting experts.

Let me share four principles for increasing self-compassion and decreasing perfectionism. 1. You must first become aware of perfectionism in your thoughts. Notice when it’s holding you back from doing, contributing, interacting, because you feel like what you’re offering isn’t perfect. 2. Challenge those thoughts, that feeling, the need to hold back because of your fear. Challenge it! Take yourself to the mat with the brutal truth that nothing anyone puts out there is ever going to be perfect and we don’t want to stay out of the game just because we are afraid. 3. Accept that mistakes are a part of life, but like Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly, we have to get into the arena, we have to dare greatly in order to live a life that isn’t small. We have to allow for vulnerability. Then 4. Accept and love yourself and all your imperfections. It’s okay. We are all a mixed bag of weaknesses and strengths. Join the club proudly. 

Those who struggle with stress and anxiety each have their own story, their own triggers. Sometimes it helps to hear other’s stories…. Here is Brigham’s story of how his anxiety surfaced and some suggestions on how he looks at it and manages it and what he thinks causes anxiety and depression. See if you agree:

Tune into the show to hear Brigham.

Here’s some suggestions for dealing with stress and anxiety from Kathryn Reynolds:

Tune into the show to hear them.

Let me mention a few things that you can use to help you. There are a lot here, so just listen and see which ones will fit best with you:

Talk with God - know that he understands exactly who you are - all the good, all the bad, all the struggle. Imagine him sitting close, listening to you, and offering support. As you talk with him does anything come to mind that feels supportive? What advice can you feel?

Ponder. When you feel stressed and anxious, go to a place of rest and pondering, sit quietly and reflect on times you’ve felt blessed and supported. I like to use the Psalm, “Be still and know that I am God.”

Consider your expectations. Without a doubt our emotions hop on a roller coaster when expectations are not met. When life doesn’t turn out as we expected we feel disappointed, angry, panicked. These feelings raise your blood pressure and can cause deep anxiety and stress. Learning to manage your expectations - to allow for the flow of life and unexpected twists and turns, will help you navigate these spaces better. “All things shall give you experience…” even when they were unexpected. 

Be aware of when you are stressed. Check in with yourself and notice if you’re not sleeping well, if you get angry easily, if you have low energy, if you feel depressed. If you’re noticing these indicators, find a go-to that works for you to relax. Maybe it’s time to slow, breathe, take some time to meditate, take some time for gratitude, take some me-time, grab a nap, reach out for a chat with a friend. Be good to you and know what works to manage your stress. You can also check the stories your telling yourself about your life. Are you creating unneeded stress by harboring stressful thoughts about how busy you are, how you are not enough, etc.

Mosiah 4:27 “See that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.”

Stress can often be relieved and managed by being active. We have physical bodies that are tied to our minds - the human soul. When we work out we get endorphins that affect our moods. Use these. Walk, run, bike, lift weights. Be physical.

Stay connected with people - family and friends, those who love and support us, can often be the smartest move.  I remember being in a therapy session once and talking with my therapist about how I was feeling down so I went over to my parents house to stay for awhile. She congratulated me on intuitively knowing where to go for safety and support. Sometimes we need a change of scenery, sometimes we need to talk something out, sometimes we just need a hug and to know we aren’t alone. Go to your people. In episode 4 of this series we will be talking specifically about how to create and nurture healthy relationships because they are so important to human mental health and happiness.

Sometimes we just need to take things one step at a time. Ask yourself, “What is the most important thing I can do right now?” Maybe it’s super simple, but when we feel overwhelmed, taking things one step at a time is brilliant. I feel like to I do this pretty regularly. I may have 10 hopping things on my calendar, but I will look at what is my next one and I’ll prepare for that. The other podast interviews can wait their turn, packing for my trip can wait until I get this dinner party over with, I don’t need to worry about that lesson I need to teach until after I take care of my client meeting today. Just look at what is right in front of you. One thing at a time.

2 Nephi 9:51   “Do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy.” My interpretation of this is don’t spend your resources, whether they are money or time or effort on things that don’t really matter. What really matters to you? Decide and then see what you can let go out of your life that doesn’t support those most important things - lower the stress level, take out the good for the best.

Last, I’ll just mention practicing mindfulness. when we can pull ourselves in from all the crazy stories we have going on in our mind, stories laced in fear, and responsibilities that we are feeling crushed by. Step away and just get present. Stop and really just be present in the moment, things will look completely different. Is there really anything to be fearful of in this moment? What can I see, hear, smell, feel on my skin? What is actually going on around me right now. Get out of your head and get into your body. I have to constantly remind myself to do this, but if you can get this tool down, you’ll have a completely different life experience, because being present is powerful. You must be present to win. 

In my discussion with Brigham Haines he had some ideas about how the things we get involved in effects our psyche, and the environment we are in can cause it as well. Here’s the points he brought up:

Tune into the show to hear his points.

For many anxiety is no joke - no small thing -  a diagnosed anxiety disorder. It’s not just feeling intense stress it’s a full mental attack. I know someone who had to pull their car over during an anxiety attack. They were shaking and drooling and even passed out. A friend had to come find them and help them out of the space. Healthy tools that help us get present, help us release fear of the future, help us shift into simple vs. overwhelming, these are key, but  I am not qualified to speak to severe anxiety attacks that may need medication or a doctor’s help. The tools we’ve talked about today are powerful, seek to understand and implement them, even just one of them that seems doable for you, and if you need more professional help - seek that.

Brigham Haines and I talked about this idea of seeking solutions:

Tune into the show to hear Brigham.

I also wanted to know what he suggested as far as loved ones who support those who struggle with anxiety and depression. Here is what worked for him:

Tune in to hear Brigham.

It’s my hope that you’ve received even just one small thing that you can use moving forward.

Natalie Goldberg, one of my fav. writers said, “Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important.”

Which I think goes hand-in-hand with these words from Virginia Woolf, “No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.”

When the idea of living big is crippling, step down into the basics - just being you. You are worthy of being here, worthy of having this life experience, and it’s just fine to take it slow and intentionally create whatever it needs to be for you. Living with intention doesn’t just mean everything is on super powered up, it simply means intentionally choosing what works for you. What brings you satisfaction, joy, and connection. You have permission to go at whatever speed that looks like for you.

Join us in 2 weeks for Part 4: “Stronger together - Building resilience through healthy relationships.

Please share this episode with anyone you know who is working to manage stress and anxiety. You never know what will land with them, Share the love.

Marcus Aurelius said, “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength.” Today’s episode is #2 in a 5-part series of creating emotional resilience.

Today’s episode is titled: "Empowering Your Mind: Developing Healthy Thinking Patterns for Emotional Resilience”

A couple years ago I joined an emotional resilience group a few years back. The class focused on learning and practicing spiritual and practical skills to better care for the body, mind, emotions and relationships. Pretty important stuff. I want to share some of my take-aways and I’ll bring some experts in to comment as well.

As I mentioned, this is the second in a 5-part series on emotional resilience. I hope these episodes will support you in your own quest for choosing emotional resilience skills - because these are skills we all need . Stay tuned for this important step in emotional resilience - developing healthy thinking patterns. I want you to find one ah-ha today that will serve you.

My first marriage was in 1995, my second was 2007 and my third was in 2011. All three ended in divorce. When I finally came to love and accept my own personal story and the disappointment I felt, the failure I felt, the embarrassment I felt, the progress was all about learning to reframe the negative aspects of my story that I was focusing on. IT WAS ALL ABOUT INTERPRETATION AND MINDSET. It wasn’t until I learned how to step out of victim mode and focus on what I had gained from my experiences, like understanding what it felt like to feel unloved, to be cheated on, to be abandoned, to be emotionally abused; I gained empathy for women in abusive situations, I gained empathy for being a single mom, for lonely people, for times of brokenness, for needing forgiveness; for the struggle to forgive. I gained strength as I survived, and kept trying. Instead of my perceived stack of failures - the overall crap in the relationships and the ultimate dissolution of the marriages, I could find peace in my own messy journey by focusing on the things I’d learned and understood now that I did not before. It IS ALL ABOUT WHERE WE PUT THE FOCUS - IN OTHER WORDS - MINDSET. 

My point is, our thoughts are everything. They create our reality. They make all the difference in how we see ourselves and how we interpret our world. How we talk about ourselves and how we think about things impacts how we feel because thoughts influence emotions. 

I’ve brought Kathryn Reynolds back for this episode. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist. We met her in Part 1. She practices solution-focused therapy and is passionate about helping women with anxiety or depression regain their sense of identity, expression, and purpose. Here is a clip of our conversation on Healthy Thinking Patterns:

Tune into the podcast to listen to Dr. Reynolds.

In Proverbs 23:7 it says, “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he…”

I know that none of these ideas are new - but they are vitally important to understand and to work on. I’d like each of you listening to take stock of your own thoughts about your own life right now. What stories are you creating? Are they negative? Are they positive? The ones that are negative - how can you hop over the fence and reframe them?

Let’s peak into an example:

I was speaking to a friend the other day and she shared a story with me that I thought really captured the clear concept of how the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves really define us. So it’s important to look at what we are thinking.

Hear Jackie on the podcast...

As we discuss healthy thinking patterns we need to first accept this important piece of the puzzle, that knowing how much power our thoughts have over our emotions and how much power our emotions have over our actions and how our actions will then build our character and determine who we become….well, both the Savior and adversary seek to influence our thoughts because of this obvious domino effect.

Doctrine and Covenants says, “Look unto me in every thought, with faith, without doubt or fear.” God calls us to keep our thoughts on him because of this cause and effect of this universal law.

So…lets talk about actual healthy thinking patterns, and identify unhealthy thinking patterns so we can become aware of them and check in with ourselves about which ones may be our favorites. 

What is an inaccurate thinking pattern?

Well, there are so many things that we could list here, but I don’t want to overwhelm. So let’s talk about 4. 

Inaccurate thinking patterns often look like 1. focusing on the negative, 2. seeing something as all or nothing, 3. jumping to conclusions, and 4. magnification.

Let’s take these one at a time:

First - Focusing on the negative can create distorted thoughts that cause us to feel badly about ourselves and about others, about life in general because we’re stuck in our hurt and complaint. When we focus on a negative detail, or on only what went wrong, that thing becomes bigger in our life and in our mind. It’s what we always talk about here - what you focus on expands. We don’t want the negative to expand, so be aware of this thinking error and shift out of it when it happens. 

Example:

“Everything went wrong today…one mess after another.” Despite hard days, it is unlikely that your day had no positive moments - no smiles, no progress on a project, no positive interactions with a loved one or friend, nothing????

“This struggle my son/daughter is having is horrendous.” As a parent, it is horrible to watch a child suffer. Can I find in his struggle something positive to focus on? Is he learning something? Am I learning something? Is there opportunity to build relationship here? 

Second - inaccurate/harmful thinking pattern: Seeing something as all or nothing.

Things are very seldom all or nothing. I remember a therapist calling us out during a marriage therapy session on this. “You always do….” “He/She never does…” The therapist would stop us and make us dig deeper to realize that no, the person did not ALWAYS do the thing being claimed. He did not always come home late and I did not always nag. You do not “always do the wrong thing.” And, everything does not “always” go badly for you.

Something is seldom all good or all bad. Look for phrases where you are saying “always” and “never.”

Let’s do this little exercise in challenging this thinking error. So, Let’s say you catch your child lying to you. This happens and you get to evaluate and choose. You can choose “My child always lies to me,” or you can create the more accurate thought that he or she is often honest. You can foster the thought that this lie shows a real lack of integrity in the child and he’ll never learn to be trust worthy, or you can choose to believe he is full of potential and this can be a teaching opportunity. 

So challenge the Always and Never statements as they show up in your life. This creates a much more accurate perspective of things, and keeps us from despair. I’ve also learned if you praise the time sthe person does the right thing, you will see more of it.

The third thinking error is: Jumping to Conclusions.

I love this one because I specifically remember when this one clicked in my head as a young adult. When we jump to conclusions we interpret others thoughts, often assuming negative outcomes. For instance, someone I expected to be friendly with me is being dismissive. They must be angry with me. This is jumping to a conclusion - the healthiest internal response when you catch yourself doing this is to stop and to mentally remind yourself that you have no idea, really, why they seem dismissive. You have the opportunity to communicate with them rather than creating a story in your head about what’s going on in their head. Perhaps they have a family member that is in poor health and they are worried about it. Perhaps they had a rough day at work. Perhaps they are puzzling out something they are working on. The bigger picture is that it’s not always about you. Thoughts like: “I bet everyone is laughing at me.” “Everyone probably thinks I’m a big baby.” “He must be seeing someone else.” These are assumptions. Challenge them.

Let me share an example from this week. I got to my yoga class a little bit late and there were not very many places to put my mat down. I snuck onto the back row, chose the spot with the largest space and room for others to shift, and then asked the woman next to me if she could move her mat over a little bit? She did but I started creating a story in my mind that she was irritated with me. Instead of breathing and letting my mind move with my body, I was breathing and building a story about how this stuffy woman next to me was put out because someone had dared to ask her to move. Once I realized I was doing it, I acknowledged the story to myself and discontinued it. Problem solved. 

Brene Brown tells a story in Daring Greatly about she and her husband going out for an early morning swim in a lake on a family vacation at a cabin in the mountains. They both used to swim competitively and so this fun morning swim was right up their alley. Brene was feeling a little insecure in her Speedo, since it had ben 20 years and 2 kids since she’d worn it, and as they swam she felt so wonderful and close to her husband. As she tried telling him how bonding this felt to her he responded flippantly and kept swimming. In her mind she jumped to the conclusion that he must not think she still rocked the Speedo, or that he was wondering where his wife of 25 years ago went. She was caught up in her head about her own insecurities. As he continued to dismiss her she decided that rather than going into the usual mode of hurt and silent treatment that she would address it straight on. She said, “What is going on here? The story I’m creating is that you don’t think I look very good in my Speedo or that you’re wondering where your young, fit wife of 25 years ago went.” He had no idea what she was talking about. It turned out that he’d had a bad dream the night before that his children had drown and as they were swimming he was just trying to deal with a panic attack by counting strokes. He hadn’t even really heard her try to connect with him. 

We NEVER now what is going on in another’s mind. I could share a hundred examples of jumping to conclusions because it happens everyday. But let me be clear. Jumping to conclusions is the quintessential example of creating stories with no facts, only assumptions. This is what Kathryn and I were talking about earlier in the episode. This can bedevastatingly destructive to us and our relationships. When you can learn to check yourself - be aware when you do it and manage it, you relieve yourself of tremendous emotional stress and strain. Let me repeat that - When you can learn to check yourself - be aware when you do it and manage it, you relieve yourself of tremendous emotional stress and strain. So, notice, remind yourself it’s a story you are creating, check in with the person about what’s really going on. 9 times out of 10 the story we’ve concocted are not on point.

The Fourth thinking error is Magnification

Magnification is basically comparison. We magnify what others are good at and compare our own weaknesses. “I barely cook dinner for my family, and when I do it’s nothing like Ms. X cooks.” “He drives a better car than me, he’s so successful and I’m just a loser.” “She always looks so put together and I can’t stand to wear anything but jeans and a t-shirt.”

We’ve had numerous episodes on the podcast about how what you focus on expands. Episode 59, 186, 208, 223, and I know it comes up in even more conversations. You can see how dangerous this thinking error is because it allows us to create negative judgmental stories about ourselves that are not based on apples to apples. We all have different talents and abilities. We all have different places where we shine - and this is actually very important for a healthy community. We can’t all be good at the same thing or the tapestry of life does not have the color it needs to be beautiful. Comparison creates crushing self stories and it’s such a meaningless endeavor. Sometimes I catch myself comparing my work to the big uber successful influencers and I feel very small, and sometimes like a failure. So I remind myself of the rule of magnification - don’t. lol and I practice.

These inaccurate thinking patterns are used by the adversary to keep us small, to keep us in conflict with ourselves and others. These are the tools darkness excels at. 

The beauty of becoming aware of them is that line upon line we learn the weapons that keep us small, and one story at a time we practice taking control of our own thought patterns. But practice is THE key. This takes awareness, time and patience. But most good, worthwhile things do. It’s part of that growth we talked about in the first episode from last week. So don’t gt discouraged. Start with awareness.

While thinking errors bind us and limit our happiness and ability to grow, challenging those thinking errors and replacing them with more accurate thoughts will free us, create confidence, and we’ll have healthier relationship with ourselves and with other people. 

Thank you for being here today. Join me in two weeks for Part-3 of the series - From Chaos to Calm - managing stress and anxiety. 

A big shout out to by BP Writer from United States for leaving us a very kind review:

Fabulous Podcast! Fantastic content, great guests, gems galore!

Came across the Love Your Story podcast and am loving it! Especially the episode with Samantha Hawkins. This conversation was just so amazing! The candid discussion about standing up for what you believe in had so many great takeaways! Can’t wait to listen to more episodes! Thank you!

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