Lunchtime in Rome

First time listeners can subscribe on your favorite podcast app, or watch us LIVE or later at YouTube. Visit us at lunchtimeinrome.com, while there you can take our relational needs questionnaire. Make sure to follow us on all social media and it would be great if you give us a five star review. Jay, what specifically is this podcast about?  

Being alone is the worst. Good times aren’t as good and bad times are worse when you are all alone. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That is how you keep people from being alone and what this podcast is all about.  We demonstrate that in the first 15 minutes of the podcast and talk about it for the rest.

So while it may not be 12:15 in Rome, we’re treating it like it is Lunchtime in Rome. 

Joe stuck on a swing

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Tonight’s Topic

Turtle

* It's almost always better back then. Mostly because we tend to remember only the good. People who don't think it was better back then typically don't have the luxury of ignoring the bad parts of their personal yesteryear.

Rici McWhinney Oswalt

* Definitely better when I was a kid, mainly because I was a kid.

Sally Feeney Herr

* I liked summer when my kids were young, and then when I watched my grands. Activities such as swimming, going to the different parks, the kids playing in the sandbox, picnics. With E&A we were rarely in the house. I liked it when I had the kids, we had fun. BACK IN THE DAY..as a kid we (our neighbors) were always outside. Playing baseball in our neighbors yard, riding bikes, exploring in the woods behind our houses, in the winter sled riding, snow ball fights, building igloos. Now so many kids & adults are glued to the devices.

Meryl

* I liked it back when we all did things outside. Always had friends to do things with and had fun. Don't remember such intense weather - heat and humidity. Even our kids spent the majority of the summer outside with friends. NO SCREENS! And of course, going to the Highlands pool with the kids was awesome and it's no longer there.

Mary Lynn Pleczkowski

* As long as it was warm weather or a good thunderstorm, it was good – then or now!

Crystal Lynn (HS teacher)

* It was better back then. We used to run and play all over the neighborhood. Now kids are confined to their yards and making play dates.

Dan Leppold

* I can remember staring at the ceiling trying to fall asleep without an air conditioner at night, . . . and just sweating lol.

* I can also remember hanging out with the neighborhood youth, outside, on a hot summers night, no one recording what we talked about, no photographs taken. We lived in the moment and I recall it being nice.

* I can remember Wildwood New Jersey boardwalk being safe.

* I can remember when tattoos were rare & always had deep meaning like a veteran or armed forces.

* I can remember hanging out at someone's car listening to what the DJ was playing on the car radio. And then calling the DJ (on a landline) asking them to play some Van Halen.

* I think summer during the 1970's was better than today.

* St. Barts Fair, with the poker, Big Chuck, fireworks, cute chicks everywhere.

* I can remember being without any sort of curfew or accountability. Today parents track their kids' phones, terrible.

* I remember drinking watered down tang and thinking how life can't get any better.

* The ice cream man with the tunes playing from that yellow VW bug.

* The skydivers during the St. Barts Fair.

* Riding my bike WAY farther away from my home that anyone thought I could.

* I guess it's sort of hard to compare though because we change.

* If we were all still 7 years old we could better gather meaningful data on Summer 2024 to that of 1977.

* Simpler is normally better, so I do think I'm lucky to have grown up in Penn Hills in the 70's.

* But I enjoy being able to look at a weather radar signature on my phone today and being able to better plan my summer day.

* I have money now . . . so summer is better today than when I had no money to buy treats from the ice cream man. But I enjoy those treats more now because I could not enjoy them back in the day . . .

* I think the true answer involves calculus, so I am out. I don't do that s*** anymore.

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 248 is entitled “Emotional Reasoning”.  Emotions are a good thing right?  It is important to focus on them isn’t it?  How can they be used in a destructive manner?  THAT’S what we’re talking about  at The Table this evening!

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Emotional Reasoning Outline

* Simple Description - Feelings are interpreted as facts

* Description

* Feelings are the result of emotional needs being met or not met

* Feelings are confused with facts. 

* Feelings are also confused with thoughts.

* A person may say “I just don’t feel that you care,” which means that since I don’t feel your care, it does not matter what you say, you don’t care.

* The ER ascribe motivation to the reason for the unmet need

* Background

* Person may have suffered deep emotional trauma in childhood, such as physical or sexual abuse.

* May have frequently felt afraid but didn’t receive any help dealing with their fears.

* May have seen emotional reasoning modeled.

* May have experienced broken promises, prompting, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

* Truth

* Even though I “feel it,” it may not be true.

* Feelings are feelings, no more and no less. They are not facts.

* When I say “I feel that...”, I’m really expressing a thought and I may be expressing feelings such as hurt, fear, or anger. If so, I need to identify what the real emotional needs are and then vulnerably express them.

* Rather than dealing with the hurt, I am making an absolute statement instead.

* Effect Upon a Relationship

* Accusations can fly about based not on any evidence, but only a feeling,

* Such a relationship will be dominated by fear and mistrust.

* The other person will be left frustrated and often shut down.

* Overcoming Emotional Reasoning

* Accept the truth that feelings have their place but they can’t take the place of truth.

* Notice incidents when emotional reasoning has been allowed to take over.

* Allow your partner to talk about this with you.

* Take wrong thoughts captive and think about the true responses.

* Example: your partner is late getting home.

* Your reaction: “I just know he/she is with someone else.”

* Consequences of the reaction: accusing, attacking, angry, and resentful

* Renewed response: “There is probably a good reason for their delay. ”With more truthful thinking, the response to your partner upon their arrival can be, “I get very concerned when you arrive later than expected.”

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 247 is entitled “Minimizing”.  Is someone in your life always insisting that EVERYTHING is just not a big deal…even when it’s a really big deal?  Are they someone who rarely shows emotion except to be frustrated with YOUR emotion?  Are you that person?  We’ll be talking about minimizing at The Table this evening!

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Minimizing Outline

* Simple Description - Significant events are never dealt with

* Description

* Most, if not all, important events are denied or discounted. 

* The person tends not to feel or express emotions, so he/she tends to expect or demand the same from others.

* Even during life’s major events, little emotion is shown.

* The person denies that anything is wrong or that anything troubles him/her.

* Reasons to celebrate are downplayed and mourning is avoided

* Minimizers are often are impatient with others who show emotions.

* Minimizers rely A LOT on Facts, Logic, and Reason

* Background

* The tendency to minimize often comes from homes where personal needs were neglected or overlooked.

* Many were “trained” or encouraged to deny their own needs, which promoted losing touch with their own feelings.

* To cope with pain, minimizers “shut down” and act as if nothing was wrong.

* They may have become self-reliant or self-sufficient.

* May have seen this pattern modeled by others important to them.

* Truth

* Some of life’s events are major happenings worth a significant emotional and/or behavioral response.

* Jesus came to give abundant life - John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 

* Pain needs to be mourned and comforted.

* Effect Upon a Relationship

* Minimizers tend to verbalize few emotions and expect the same from others around them, often leaving spouses lonely, frustrated, and feeling hurt—particularly during tragic events when little or no feeling is demonstrated.

* They deny that anything troubles them, and when pressed to communicate they give facts, opinion, or logical explanations rather than vulnerably sharing their needs and feelings.

* Overcoming Minimizing

* Comfort for the pain of unmet needs may be needed before you are able to recognize that it’s unhealthy to not show emotion when painful feelings have been experienced.

* Any productive comfort in the present time  is essential for the hopes of comfort of past hurts

* It is also important to rejoice in present time before hoping to comfort

* Reassurance that showing emotions is not the same as losing control may need to be given by a partner.

* The minimizer should work to verbalize feelings and trust them, along with trusting their partner to comfort them

* Example: 

Replace:  “This happens to everyone; I’ll get over it.’

With: ““As I feel my pain, grieve the hurt, and receive comfort from God and others, I’ll get over it.”

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. In this podcast episode, titled "Mike Pietragallo," the guys welcome Mike, who has led a life dedicated to his country, family, and the CrossFit community. The discussion begins with a humorous tangent about amusement park rides and motion sickness, drawing parallels between the thrill of rides and Mike's experiences in flight school, highlighting his struggle with motion sickness during air combat maneuvers.

Mike shares stories from his military career, describing his journey from a student pilot to a bombardier navigator on A6 Intruders, an all-weather medium attack aircraft. He provides a vivid account of the challenges and intricacies of air combat training and his experiences during the Gulf War. Mike also recounts his early life, growing up in Pittsburgh, and his path to becoming an officer in the Navy, influenced by his family's military background.

The conversation shifts to Mike's personal life and his passion for CrossFit, where he is a founding member of one of the earliest CrossFit gyms. He reflects on the importance of inclusivity within the CrossFit community and how it naturally became a welcoming space for everyone, including members of the LGBTQ community. Mike expresses his discomfort with being praised for inclusivity, believing it should be the norm.

A significant portion of the discussion is devoted to Mike's reflections on relational needs, particularly his need for security, respect, and belonging. He shares insights into his personal experiences with these needs, including a poignant moment when he informed his father about his decision to join the Navy instead of pursuing law school, which initially caused tension but ultimately led to his father's pride and support.

Throughout the episode, Mike's stories are interwoven with themes of dedication, respect, and the complexities of personal and professional life. The guys engage with Mike's anecdotes, drawing lessons from his experiences and appreciating his contributions to both his community and the podcast.

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 245 is entitled “Behind the Book”.  Jay has mentioned that he has written a book.  What went into that?  How did it come about?  What’s it about?  Where does it stand now?  How can you be a part of it?   We’re talking about all of that tonight at The Table.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 244 is entitled “Magnifying”.  Are you someone that always has the worst thing happen to you?  Are you in a relationship with someone who tends to make things much worse (in your, and maybe everyone’s opinion) than they really are?  We’re talking about what to do about that tonight at The Table.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Making mountains out of molehills

* Description

* Exaggerates events until everything seems like a catastrophe. 

* May be volatile with anger, unmerciful with self-condemnation, or overwhelmed with fear or self pity.

* May be viewed as self-absorbed, preoccupied with one’s own crises, whiny and overly reactive.

* Background

* Often raised in an environment in which little things were blown out of proportion.

* Simple mistakes lead to a character attack;

* Discipline may have been excessive and out of proportion to the offense.

* Possibly a parent was preoccupied with need for belonging, security, or acceptance (manifested by fear, rejection, loneliness)  which contributed to their seeing catastrophes in every situation.

* Possible indicators of Magnifying - Frequent use of extreme words and phrases such as never, always, devastated, worst, ruined, terrible, horrible, awful, beyond repair, too late, all, nothing.

* Truth

* Molehills are not mountains. Not everything is a major event.

* A 50-cent event needs a 50-cent reaction.

* People sometimes treat us badly, but not always.

* We do some things wrong, but not everything.

* It is usually too soon to give up.

* Effect Upon a Relationship

* It is hard to live in an atmosphere where every little event is made to feel like a catastrophe.

* When difficult events do arise, there is little ability to cope.

* Emotional energy is sapped by trying to exist with “big” events all the time.

* Overcoming Magnifying

* Be alert for the trigger words always, every, no one, never, awful, worst, terrible, horrible.

* Analyze what causes this sort of response and then take your thoughts captive, replace them with more rational truthful thinking.

* Example: 

Example: you break a coffee mug.

Your reaction: “That’s it, my whole day is ruined!”

Consequences of that reaction: negative attitude that results in a bad day full of anger, depression, self blame.

Renewed Response: “These things happen. It’s just a mug that can easily be replaced. Let’s clean it up.”

* Scripture verses to “hold captive”

* Ephesians 4:2 With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love. - it is loving to not assume the worst about one’s intentions

* Ecc 7:9 9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools

* Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 243 is entitled “Dealbreakers”.  What is it about someone that is simply a deal breaker?  You know, if they do X or Y you just cannot be friends with them? What are those things?  We’re talking about those at The Table this evening.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 242 is entitled “Destructive Patterns - Generalization”.  Are you in a relationship with Eeyore?  Do you hear things like “This always happens to me?”  If so, they may have fallen into the destructive pattern of generalization. We’re talking about that tonight!  

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Generalizing

* Simple Descriptions - Past events become predictors of the future

* Description

* Believes that past events will always predict the future, generalizing from past to future.

* Whatever has happened before will unavoidably happen again.

* Nothing will, or even can, change including the person.

* They carry around loads of anxiety, doubt, and fear.

* They hold onto past hurts, failures, and rejections and see them as evidence for their gloomy attitude toward the future;

* Often lacks initiative and is usually pessimistic.

* Background

* Often “trained” in this thinking pattern in home environment as it was modeled by one or both parents. 

* May have been given the label needy, pest, clumsy, simple, etc.

* Truth

* Just because something has happened in the past does not mean it will happen again, in the same way, in the future

* Like Personalization, what happens to us may very well have nothing to do with us

* Biblical truth would include

* Jer 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

* John 10: 10 I have come that you may have life and life to the fullest.

* Effect Upon a Relationship - the generalizer  very often feels like an anchor.  The relationship can easily become codependent.  It could also become rife with conflict as the non-generalizer’s needs are not being met and the generalizer will clearly take the blame.

* Overcoming Generalizing

* Begin by taking notice of incidents when generalizing has taken place. It may even be helpful to write them down. 

* Try to keep note of how often this happens more than when it happens

* List the number of other possible reasons why the event took place other than your involvement/the pattern

* Replace the negative statement with one that gives you control over the situation

* Example: 

* Example 1: you eat something not allowed on a new diet.

Your reaction: “I’ll never lose weight.”

Consequences of the reaction: you stop trying, become self condemning, may eat even more unhealthily.

Renewed response: Replace “I’ll never lose weight,” with: “I am in control of my eating and I choose whether to eat or not.” With more truthful thinking the response to one day of failure on a new diet will

be, “I’ll begin again now.”

* Example 2: you don’t get a promotion

Your reaction: I always get looked over

Consequence of the reaction: you sink further behind at work, you resent your

boss and become a (more) bitter person to work with

Renewed response: I could have worked harder.  I could have gotten out of my 

head more often.  I may have just not been the best person for the promotion

but  I’ll do everything I can to get it next time.

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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 241 is entitled “Destructive Patterns - Personalization”.  Have you ever said to someone, “It’s not always about you!”?  Are there people in your life that you have to tiptoe around so that they don’t crumble?  We’ll be talking about how to work with that type of destructive pattern this week.  

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Personalizing

* Simple Descriptions

* Taking external events as personal rejections and attacks

* “My fault” thought pattern

* Description

* Overestimates the extent that an event is related to him/her. 

* Tends to be moody and easily hurt by seeming rejections.

* Often insecure and self-condemned. May blame self for everything.

* Others may view them as fragile, overly sensitive, childish, self-centered, and even hysterical.

* Background -Often were rejected or neglected in childhood or came from a highly critical home environment where he/she was often wrongly blamed for whatever was happening.

* Truth

* We are not the target or cause of everything that happens to us.

* Usually what occurs is not aimed at us, or is more a statement about the other person than about us.

* Biblical truth would include

* Rom 12: 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

* Phil 2: 3-4  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

* 1 Peter 5: 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

* Effect Upon a Relationship - When we take everything personally, we run the risk of overreacting to our spouse and causing unnecessary tensions in marriage..

* Overcoming Personalizing

* Begin by taking notice of incidents when personalizing has taken place. It may even be helpful to write them down. You may have strong feelings of anger, upset, hurt.

* Ask your partner to help you identify the “lies.”

* Practice replacing them (taking thoughts captive) with more rational truthful thinking (think on those things that are true).

* Example: 

Example: a friend phones to cancel coming for coffee because she needs to visit her mother in the hospital.

Your reaction: she probably didn’t want to come for coffee anyway.

Consequences of that reaction: you feel rejected, hurt, annoyed and you neglect to show concern for you friend’s

mother. You may even go on to think she probably doesn’t like me anyway. “In fact, no one really likes me.”

Renewed response: this reaction could be replaced by: “I feel disappointed that our cup of coffee together can’t

take place but my friend must go to her mother. I’ll look forward to our being able to rearrange for another day. I

wonder how I can support my friend while her mother is ill.”

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