Make Your Damn Bed

I stopped doing these things to create healthier relationships with others (and myself):

Expecting people to read my mind. Instead, I started naming my needs and being clear about my boundaries.

Pretending to be strong and okay when I'm not. Instead, I started being honest and vulnerable about my feelings.

Being silent about the things that have hurt me. Instead, I started speaking up and having hard conversations with those around me.

Dishonoring my boundaries to "keep the peace." Instead, I started advocating for myself.

Punishing myself for not healing fast enough. Instead, I started giving myself grace and being patient with my process.

Carrying emotional baggage that didn't belong to me. Instead, I started putting things down that I no longer wanted to carry.

Overextending myself to make everyone happy. Instead, I started saying no, I can't, or I don't want to do that.

Trying to get people to change, heal, and grow. Instead, I started meeting them where they were and accepting them for who they were.

Staying in relationships that have expired. Instead, I decided to part ways with love and compassion.

Refusing to let go because I was too scared of what could come next. Instead, I started releasing the things I knew were no longer healthy for my growth.

Avoiding conflict and hoping things would "just get better." Instead, I started facing conflict head-on, even if it felt uncomfortable.

Excusing unhealthy behavior because "I love them." Instead, I learned that I can love people and choose not to engage.

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If you’re struggling to know whether or not you’re falling victim to the sunken cost fallacy in your current relationships, there are some reflective questions you can ask to check in and ensure you’re not settling. 

Do you feel like you need to stay in your relationships?

Or do you feel like you want to stay in your relationships?

Do you resent the amount of time or energy you’ve put in? Or do you focus more on the amount you’ve grown and changed together through that energy?

If you find yourself focusing more on the things you’ve lost in your relationships (which are things you can never recover) rather than the things you have gained? (which is growth you can never lose) than you may be staying out of obligation rather than desire - which is a surefire way to build resentment and toxicity in your relationships, if you haven’t already. 

Realize that past investment is exactly that. Your time and your energy and your efforts cannot be recovered - no matter what happens next.

Ask yourself, if you were starting over today, would you choose this person again? I do that regularly when I clean out my closet and decide what clothing gets to stay - as well as with my relationships and friendships to really ensure that I am continuously choosing people who are best for me and where I would like to go. 

Then imagine what the future will likely look like if things remain as they are right now, with your person. What do you feel about that? Would anything NEED to change on your end or on their end to make a happy union more likely?

Think about a time when you have left a relationship in the past. Is that a relationship you wish you had back? Probably not. Making the decision to leave is often the hardest part. But cutting your losses now will be easier than cutting even higher and broader losses in the future. 

(WEBSITE) says: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-could-be-keeping-you-in-bad-situations/

“If you find yourself fixating on ‘getting your money’s worth’ out of unenjoyable experiences or lose sight of your future goals, one helpful strategy is to consider what you’d advise a friend or family member to do in a similar situation. Flexible thinking and self-compassion are invaluable. They can also help us realize that the only way to ‘win’ an unwinnable game is to stop playing it.” - 

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People seem to think because they have invested months or years of time into a person that they shouldn’t give up on the potential for them to change, when their current reality is miserable and undeniably better if they cut ties. 

I have heard countless friends justify staying too long bad relationships with “but we’ve been together for so long” or “I’ve put so many years into this,” or and “we’ve worked so hard at it,” or “We just have so much history” 

The key to not falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy is by being real with yourself about the reality of your current state and remember that ALL sunken costs cannot be recovered. Forget the past instead of dwelling on what used to be or how hard you worked, instead get real about the current costs and current benefits - and if the current costs aren’t outweighing the current benefits or looking like they’re going to realistically change in the foreseeable future, you gotta cut your losses. 

Remember as humans, we have a tendency to fear losses more than we expect gains - so we must keep that in mind when we find ourselves clinging to things that we’re far better off without. 

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staying aligned with that favorite version of you, in every situation, no matter how stressed, how hungry, how angry, how frustrated, how down, how unheard you feel, is the highest form of alignment and self-mastery in my honest opinion. If you can still make choices that make your favorite version of you feel the most proud, no matter how crappy and off kilter you feel? It’s not easy - it may not even be doable for all of us - but damn it’s a beautiful thing to strive for. 

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If you do find it to be a struggle to know what the next best choice is for your current self - channel that version of you that feels the most badass before you make a decision? If you need to create a more confident alter-ego, great! Whatever you need to do to ensure you’re making the choices that make you feel the most empowered on a regular basis. 

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Don’t be afraid to go after anything you want even if you’re a lil scared its not the perfect fit because who the hell cares if its a temporary gig, at the very least you’ve got a dope party story and best case scenario you get to combine all your skills into the ideal life for yourself. 

Open yourself up to new experiences, be brave, face the what if I hate it’s with so what if I hate it - at least I frickin’ tried. 

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In the book, Stumbling on Happiness, Dan Gilbert says: "Most of us do have the expectation that our lives are improving and will get better and better, but often we’re not ready to do anything to actually achieve that next level. So, we spend our days hoping for better, our evenings dreaming of better, but our time doing nothing to make anything better - which means - things probably aren’t actually improving for us. We’re just hoping and dreaming, which is fine, but if those hopes and dreams started to spill into your genuine world of expectations in any way, it can be a painful reality check to realize your fantasies are simply fantasies. 

Those feelings of peace, luxury, decadence, freedom, love, connection, or whatever else I am seeking through the lil imagination beach getaway of my mind, that’s what I want to create more of. I want more of the feelings, not the environments I am convinced will create those feelings. 

When I realized that that’s the perk. The escapism into my head, is the perk I am looking for, and not the dream home, because the dream home downs exist. There is no such thing as the villa I created because life isn’t a fantasy.

So stay optimistic AND realistic. Ask yourself what you are really seeking through your hopes and fantasies and see if you can manifest more of that, now. In your current space. 

Let your optimism drive you towards discovering more of it, in your life rather than allowing it to remind you of where you may be lacking it.

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Save the work until you get to the work. 

So often, we get caught up in our heads about potential problems and our workloads that we basically double the work on our plate by basically having to go through it twice. 

Have you ever been driving to work and pre-writing emails, or pre-planning meetings, or predicting problems? 

How many times have you left a job and started planning for the next day? Or worse - deciding what you can finish when you get home? 

Some jobs don’t allow you to leave the work at work - but I still encourage you to schedule in adequate time to take c are of yourself so you don’t burn out. 

In the show abbott elementary - which I cant get enough of and think everyone should watch immediately it’s so funny and heartfelt - but in case you haven’t seen it I will butcher a beautiful moment in my retelling of an episode where the main character was trying to do everything in her power to “save the school” on her own and she kinda screws everything up in a comedy of errors and another teacher offers a beautiful monologue explaining that the more experienced teachers aren’t stepping into the line of fire because they don’t care but because they don’t want to burn out. We care so much we refuse to burn out. If we burn out who’s here for the kids?

And that’s something I had to learn the hard way as a teacher. I had to learn that in order to make the difference i was so desperate to make - I had to preserve my own wellbeing first. I had to create healthy boundaries or id work myself to the bone and never be able to recover. 

If you take it like a staircase instead of a projectile, you’re less likely to fall straight back down to the earth.

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When being propositioned for anything, practice saying oh that sounds great can I get back to you in ____ insert appropriate time frame here. 

I typically tell people I will put it in your calendar and check back in closer to the date. Then immediately I will set a second calendar event for a week or a day or so prior to the event reminding me to check in about it. 

That way I can have time to flesh my schedule out and decide with adequate reflection if it’s something I actually do want to attend or I just felt obligated to in the heat of the moment.  

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Today's (and tomorrow's) episode references: https://time.com/4116259/google-search-2/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2019/11/02/expert-tips-for-google-search/4113013002/

Duck Duck Go: Private searching browser.

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