Make Your Damn Bed

If you want to participate in discourse get educated if you’d like to have opinions. Ideally you are only listening to multiple Reputable sources from different organizations and areas and are as unbiased and unsponsored as possible. 

then - if you have the capacity to do something to help in any way - which I have to be honest, I don’t know that writing our alderman is really gonna work on this one so if you have suggestions, I’m all ears and down to do what I can to fight the good fight - but once you’ve researched, educated, and done what you can to be of support, you gotta set it down. 

That shit is heavy and will weigh you down in ways you don’t even know if you aren’t careful. If you are safe, currently, and have the privilege to set it down, please do so. 

 Get to know when you’re starting to burn out. Recognize signs of obsession, fatigue, burnout, fear, anxiety, and take breaks. Schedule and stick to times you will and wont research and discuss this shit, etc. and so on. Whatever you need to prevent burnout so you can be the most well rounded, protected and accounted for version of yourself is always gonna outweigh being the the most profoundly educated or motivated. 

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I believe, in general, if bad news or even just the idea of news genuinely incapacitates you from life and you cant deal with learning or knowing or watching or doing anything that makes you feel heavy, fuck it. You are under no obligation to learn or know or watch or cater to anything heavy for a while. 

Nobody is checking you to ask what you know or what you don’t know about current events. Don’t feel guilty if you need to sit this one out. Maybe check in with the real world once in a while because if you want to function and also sustain boundaries in our society it’s always helpful to be informed, but if you really do need to sit a couple weeks of news cycles, do that shit. If you never need to look at the news again, great. Boycott it. People survive in this world all the time without knowing a damn thing about a damn thing and we are none the wiser. Do whats best for you. 

That said, if you are more on the cusp of this concept and, like a lot of people, see the value and maybe even like to know what’s happening in the world but still struggle with how and how much and when and where and all that shit, this is for you. And if you are like the person above that really does believe learning about the current conditions of the social and environmental climate is genuinely not worth your time, I encourage you to listen anyway because I may have snuck in a few nuggets of wisdom for you, too. 

Lemme start by saying, there are a lot of valid reasons to want to avoid the outside world. Maybe You’re like me and you are a very sensitive sally and when everything sucks and hurts out there, it also sucks and hurts in here. 

If this is you, too. I’m telling you, I get it. That said - we really gotta learn boundaries so we can feel safe when life happens and not feel like wee have to hide all the time. 

Because we really gotta know the bullshit so we can better understand the bullshit if we want to have any chance of figuring out how to how prevent, stay out, and help others out of the bullshit if we do have ANY window of control, which most tragedies don’t allow for but regardless, knowing the basics of whats going on is typically something that makes me feel slightly more in control. So, whatever your thing is - find your motivation to learn about shit way we can continue to feel in the loop but not bound by it. 

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Be raw when you can because it shows others they can be raw too and it also shows the world it’s okay to need shit, to not be perfect, to have blemishes, and make mistakes. Life is nuanced - what you compare yourself to should be too! Don’t get stuck in echo chambers of single minded, neutral looking, straight sized bodies. Diversify, branch out of your comfort zone, and be more objective with the content you’re digesting and letting into your baseline of comparison. 

Whatever your passion is, keep doing it. Don’t waste time chasing after success or comparing yourself to others. Every flower blooms at a different pace. Excel at doing what your passion is and only focus on perfecting it. Eventually people will see what you are great at doing and if you are truly great success will come chasing after you. - Suzy Kassem. 

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Had a great revelation during the recording session of the relative comparative baseline series and wanted to share it with y'all!

I am spending a lot of time findin' the right balance that works best for my style and preferences and most optimized results. With trial and error, I find more and more things that I find surprising to admit they genuinely bring me joy.

Who would've thought bringing a broom to the workspace could make a girl so excited to work?

Back to the finale of the series for relative baseline comparison, tomorrow!

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And every new human I meet and every new story I learn only encourages me more to show up fully in my own life. I like knowing the wide world has lots of options and there is not any expectation for me to be the best or worst of anything. I will fall somewhere in between and where I land is ultimately up to me and fate. 

If I follow the kardashians I am far more likely to end up on amazon buying waist trainers and brow Gel than when I follow financial literacy influencers who send me spiraling towards investment articles and financial planning appointments.

and I am not saying your social media and social group has to be all education and elevation and optimization. I am simply encouraging you to diversify the shit out of your baseline. Plus, the more realistic you set your baseline - the more realistic your own expectations for your own life get and the better and you feel in the process of obtaining the one that works best for you.

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if people who are raw and “UGLY” or messy or open or authentic online, and that is off-putting to you - check in on why - is the reason valid or is the hesitation because you’re so used to seeing perfectionism and unrealistic expectations in your feed?

I know people very personally who share very misleading versions of their lives online which genuinely makes me jealous even though I see them and know the reality behind it doesn’t actually make me feel that way. It almost doest matter that we know its fake. It’s like the cousin with the box analogy I used yesterday - If I didn’t know the flashy toy existed I wouldn’t care but damn my box looks like shit all of a sudden even though this box has been my favorite box in all the land for a very long time. 

We all have our shiny toy/box metaphor. It may be bodies that don’t look like yours - which for me - following fitness influencers and half naked confident humans with atypical bodies has changed my take on what is genuinely beautiful and I have always been a very inclusive lover but damn sexiness changes when you see it in various forms. Plus it’s helped me know the power my curves hold - which is an episode for. Different day.

But maybe following fitness influencers that are both similar and different than you can show you bodies like yours and smaller and larger than yours can do hard things and so can yours if you start small but show up consistently. 

Also - this is no shame to anyone who enjoys filters or photoshop - it’s just saying - as soon as we recognize how inauthentic the things we’re comparing our lives to are - the better we are at setting our own standards and expectations for ourselves in a way that promotes long term happiness and sustainable success. 

If social media isn’t motivating you - change your feed to be more motivating. And I know I’ve said this a million times - but this time I’ve backed it with science and substantial reasoning so ha! 

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A good place to start when it comes to expanding your baseline of comparison and relativity - is social media. And I recommend starting to realign that by looking around you - does everyone at the grocery store in your area look like the people that come up in your timeline feed? Or is your feed filled with one type of body or person? One type of content? If it’s all puppies or recipes - great. But if the influencers, friends, bots or whatever that make you feel like shit or feel like you need to buy more shit - you need to reset the baseline and reevaluate your relationships. Diversify diversify diversify. The more broad our spectrum is for comparing ourselves, the more likely we are too find a comfortable place in the middle of it.

If I only follow bikini models - next time I see my body in a bikini - my brain will filter through the last few reference points for what this is “supposed to look like” and if it can only find bodies that don’t resemble mine - I may not feel as comfortable as I would if I was following people of all body types rocking all different types of swimwear and proving to my brain that they not only look amazing and confident but they also encouraged me to wanna look that good and confident in my own version of this metaphor. 

I like to think of social media as a tool and a resource that can inspire, educate, and motivate you. Of course, you can use it as entertainment, but even then - that’s a tool that can empower without damage. 

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Day III of series. Please go back to day one if you're new here!

If you chronically feel not good enough - your baseline of comparison is probably too fucking high and unrealistic. Reevaluate and recalibrate that shit. 

The grass is always greener and our brains are designed to get bored of repetition so novelty is more important than getting ‘the best of the best’. 

Basically, we need to remember that comparison can be great for leading us towards our deepest wants and desires. Of course, it can also be a trap - we can often find ourselves fighting to experience shit that our friends experienced just because we saw it existed and that looked cool enough to distract us from our own goals but in reality - you will only reach true inherent success and happiness if YOU choose what creates that for you. And only you can know that. 

So change your baseline of relativity to reflect what you actually want and where you are to create a more realistic and reasonable comparison window that makes you feel inspired instead of lesser than - and you’re likely to stay the course that actually brings you TRUE real lasting happiness without distracting you with other baselines that aren’t even relevant to your actual pursuit of personal success or joy.

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This extra special extended episode features the incredibly brilliant Dr. Darcy (you can find her and take the quick lil trust quiz at www.thetrustquiz.com) and we chat about common relationship drama, inheriting generational trauma, and why we act out around our mama*.

*I did this for the rhyme, we cover why we get meaner to the people we are closest to, but you get it.

I hope you enjoy this episode as I did making it happen for y'all!

Hope the rest of your day is half as magic as you.

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Success as a whole is relative - which means it’s kinda bullshit. 

They did a study on people wanting to own nice cars based on the proximity to lotto winners who won or immediately purchased nice cars and the chances of you investing in a new car multiplied by 50% ish if you were in the neighborhood and 80% if you were the next door neighbor. 

If your social media feed is filled with mean, fake bodied, rich influencers who manufacture every post to look casual - you will absolutely think that your real, genuine, authentic casual life is pale by comparison. But if you follow people who are being vulnerable and honest - posting photos without edits and makeup and posing and curating and filters and stylizing and whatever - you’re more likely to see that other people’s houses aren’t always tidy or they also have bags under their eyes or their hair also does that weird thing like yours - and you’re less likely to feel lack in your comparisons. 

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