In November last year I went to a Family Constellations workshop. If you haven't been, it's a healing modality which involves mapping out your family dynamics using other people in the group. When it was my turn, I was shown how I'd been neglecting my inner masculine in favor of my wildly creative, idealistic "PHWOAR" feminine. I'd been so wrapped up in dreaming a new world into being, I forgot I needed a bridge to bring it to life in the world.
Unsurprisingly, I had a few physical symptoms - a pterygium on my left eye and an overgrowth of candida - that pointed to an over-active feminine. I was also outsourcing a sense of support, as you'll hear in this episode, by dating more and more men, even though I knew (deep down) a new intimate relationship isn't actually what I wanted or needed. Men were stepping in to play this role temporarily, but they weren't a match for my vision or real standards.
When I tuned into my inner masculine (poor guy) He had this to say... I’m here to love you, unconditionally. Lean on This, the as the Source of your Love. Fill up with Me, first. Then you’ll go into the world, overflowing.
The masculine is the embodiment of all the things I know and love about the men in my life; their wisdom, strength and ability to push through and hold strong, regardless of the circumstances.
When they're working together (my masculine and feminine), I can live and create with security, and a solid foundation. All parts of me are on the same team. I can just sparkle and shine, because I Am always there, appreciating me.
It's hard to rely on something that feels unstable and shaky. As you'll hear, I've had to train myself to make going within my default and train this part of myself to come through.
When I was a part of a Christian church, I remember connecting with Jesus (an archetypal representation of the Divine masculine) and then feeling so mad at myself when things didn't work out. Did I not pray hard enough? Did I get distracted and miss a clue? Am I not really hearing the voice of God? Ironically, I have a little more Grace with this part of myself now as it comes back online, recognizing - as much as it Knows All - it's on a learning journey. (#paradox)
I also had to break a spell from a New Age teaching along the way that said allowing and training this part of myself meant I'd repel masculine men, because... polarity??? Obviously, this played into a deep-seated fear I'd never end up with a soulmate (the fear that, ironically, had me seeking out this teaching in the first place) and that my safety was somehow derived from proximity to men. (#patriarchy)
Thankfully, I've been looking through the illusion, and have come to understand wholeness is where it's at. The more I connect to and rely on this part of myself, the more the "absence" I was seeking to fill has disappeared along with - honestly, still a little surprising - my desire to date.
If this vibes, reach out. I'd love to hear your journey with this. What relationship do you have with the part of you that knows, that protects, that comes through? Do you feel believed in, supported and provided for? Send me a DM or leave a comment. Jae