Making the Darkness Conscious

A spoken journal recorded five days before brain surgery. Unedited, unpolished, and honest about being scared and grateful at the same time.

Before you press play. I talk openly in this one about grief, brain surgery, and my own addiction/recovery, including the morning eleven years ago when I woke up with a plan to end my life. Nothing graphic, but it is direct. It also has a lot of swearing. If today is not the day for that, skip this one. No hard feelings.

If you are struggling: 988 is the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Call or text, 24/7, in the US.

On August 7, 2026 I had a suspected seizure in my sleep and the scans found a 4 cm tumor. Five days before the craniotomy I sat down and recorded this, mostly to hear myself think.

It is not a produced episode. I wrote an outline and abandoned it in the first minute. I recorded it lying down, late at night, and left in the fan that clicks on partway through. It is closer to journaling out loud than to a show, and I decided not to clean it up, because cleaning it up would have made it a different and less true thing.

What is in it: what actually happened that Friday morning, the parts of that weekend I cannot remember, telling a six-year-old the word tumor on purpose, doing in two weeks the estate paperwork I had not gotten done, eleven years of sobriety and what it has to do with any of this, and the Jung line about loneliness that I have not been able to put down since. Mostly it is about holding several true things at once without making any of them win or compete.

Wonders and Worries is the Austin nonprofit that works with kids whose parents are seriously ill. They have walked with our entire family for years and I do not know where we would be without them! If this episode moves you toward doing something, send it there.

In this episode, Chris returns after a few months to explore the concept of liminality—that threshold space between where we were and where we're going.

Drawing on wisdom from his coach and Gestalt therapist Barry Stevens, Chris reflects on his second Thanksgiving trip with Waverly to London, navigating the complexity of heavy joy—experiencing profound happiness while holding grief. He opens up about the challenges of dating again while grieving, the insecurities that resurface regardless of how much work you've done, and learning to trust his gut as the balance between head and heart.

This episode revisits themes from Episode 10 (Certainty is the Enemy of Unity), exploring how the desire for black-and-white answers collides with the reality that life happens in the gray tones. Chris shares vulnerable moments from the trip, discusses the "dinner party voices" in his head, and reflects on what it means to honor the process of not having all the answers.

Topics covered: Grief and the holidays, liminality, dating while grieving, insecurities and inner voices, the hopeful romantic vs. reality, heavy joy, one foot/one day/one moment at a time

Content note: This episode contains discussions of grief, loss of a spouse, and emotional processing.

In this episode, I speak out loud what’s true for me — today.
It’s not about politics or taking sides. It’s about the gap I see between what we say we stand for and how we really show up — in our communities, our faith, our families, and ourselves.

I talk about the tension I carry with how I was brought up, the pieces of faith that still live in me, and the parts that left a bad taste in my mouth. I share what I’ve gathered along the way — from Buddhism, recovery, the Four Agreements, Jung — the trail markers that help me live with curiosity instead of certainty.

This is about how we turn difference into a weapon, and how even love gets rationed and held hostage. It’s about how we lose the ‘We’ when we forget we’re human together, even when it’s messy.

This isn’t me telling you how to think. It’s just me telling you my truth — the fear, the hope, the shadows, the light — and an invitation to look at yours, too.

Thanks for holding space with me.

Keys: Integration. Presence. Connection.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung

After a long pause, I’m back on the mic—coming up on one year since my wife passed away. In this episode, I share what’s been stirring in me during this milestone month: grief that still sits just below the surface, memories that feel as sharp as ever, and the subtle shifts that show up when we’re not trying so hard to fix anything.

I talk about what strength means now, especially as a solo parent to my daughter, and how I’m learning to let her see my sadness—not to burden her, but to model honesty without shame. I get into the complexity of emotion, the moments that catch me off guard, and how I’m trying to make space for what’s real instead of what’s polished.

And for the first time, I speak about starting to explore dating again. It’s vulnerable, messy, and something I debated even sharing. But this podcast has always been about showing up with what’s true. So I did.

This isn’t an episode with clean takeaways. It’s a reflection in real time—on love, loss, strength, and the kind of courage it takes to feel it all without looking away.

If you're holding something heavy right now, you’re not alone.

In this episode of Making the Darkness Conscious, Chris returns after a month-long break to reflect on navigating the holiday season - from Disney trips to Christmas decorations that sparked joy and profound grief. With remarkable candor, he shares the weight of celebrating Blythe's birthday, the complexity of Facebook memories, and finding moments of pure connection with his daughter Waverly.

Rather than traditional New Year's resolutions, Chris introduces his three guiding words for 2025: Integration, Presence, and Connection. He explores how these intentions might help navigate the delicate balance between honoring Blythe's memory and remaining open to new experiences and relationships. Through personal stories and vulnerable reflection, Chris reveals how these words shape his approach to grief, parenting, and finding moments of joy amidst loss.

This episode offers a raw, honest look at living in the space between past and future, between grief and growth and finding ways to stay present even when emotions feel overwhelming. Chris's story reminds us there's no 'right way' to move forward - only our authentic path, taking one step at a time.

In this heartfelt episode, Chris reflects on his recent trip to New York City with his 4-year-old daughter over Thanksgiving week, which coincided with six months since the passing of his wife Blythe. He explores the profound realization of the importance of being present - both through experiencing moments of pure joy with his daughter and navigating the complex emotions of grief.

Through personal stories from their Broadway shows, the Rockettes, and walks through Manhattan, Chris shares how he simultaneously learned to hold space for grief and wonder. He discusses the challenges of staying present as a single parent while processing loss and how his daughter's genuine reactions helped him understand presence tangibly.

Key themes include:

• ​Finding balance between honoring grief while remaining open to joy
• ​Learning to be present through a child's eyes
• ​The impact of presence vs absence in parenting
• ​How past frustrations can overshadow present moments
• ​Creating safe spaces for emotional expression

Disclaimer: Chris speaks from personal experience and is not a mental health professional. This podcast represents his journey through grief, parenting, and personal growth. While he shares openly about these topics, his experiences should not be taken as professional advice. If you are struggling with grief or mental health challenges, please seek appropriate professional help.

The episode offers authentic, unedited reflections, including emotional moments and personal vulnerabilities. Some content may be triggering for those dealing with loss or grief.

In this thought-provoking episode, host Chris explores how he strives to maintain human connection and find unity in increasingly polarized times. Drawing from research on certainty, beliefs, and tribal thinking, Chris examines why conversations around politics and deeply held beliefs can feel so threatening and offers insights into building bridges across divides. Through personal stories and reflections, he discusses how our brains process challenges to our core beliefs, why changing our minds can feel like losing a piece of ourselves, and what it takes to remain genuinely curious about different perspectives.

Key topics include:

This episode provides timely reflection on maintaining humanity and fostering understanding, even when discussing our most profound differences.

Disclaimer: Chris is not a trained professional, and this podcast is not intended as advice. The content shared is based on personal experiences and thoughts, offering a genuine, unfiltered look at one person's journey through grief and self-discovery. When discussing political and social topics, the goal is to explore human connection rather than promote any particular views or positions.

Trigger Warning: This episode discusses grief, loss, politics (not specific politicians), and mental health topics. Listener discretion is advised.

In this insightful episode of Making the Darkness Conscious, host Chris explores the critical intersection of leadership principles across both professional and personal life. Drawing from his experiences as a widower, single father, and workplace leader, Chris unpacks how the lessons of accountability, growth, and grace apply in all aspects of life.

The episode begins with a raw and honest check-in about navigating grief at the five-month mark, sharing recent challenges in parenting and the importance of setting boundaries while managing complex emotions.

Chris delves into how leadership principles show up both at work and home, exploring:

• ​The delicate balance between accountability and avoiding blame culture
• ​How to authentically apologize while maintaining high standards
• ​Managing emotions while leading others
• ​Finding grace for yourself and others during challenging times
• ​The parallels between parenting and leadership

Through personal stories and reflections, Chris examines how these principles help navigate both the work and home routines, offering insights on finding, setting boundaries, and maintaining authenticity in all roles.

Disclaimer: This podcast contains discussions about grief, loss, and mental health. Chris is not a trained professional, and the content shared is based on personal experiences and thoughts. This podcast is not intended as advice but rather offers a genuine, unfiltered look at one person's journey through grief, parenting, and leadership. Some content may be emotionally sensitive - listener discretion is advised.

"Making the Darkness Conscious" is an intimate, raw exploration of grief, personal growth, and authentic living. Host Chris shares his journey through loss, recovery, and the complexities of single parenthood. In this episode, "Navigating the Depths of Grief: Part Two," Chris revisits his experience of losing his wife to brain cancer, offering a candid look at the challenges he faces months later.

Chris delves into the unpredictable nature of grief, discussing:

-The loneliness and longing that persists despite support

-Parenting struggles and concerns about raising his daughter alone

-The challenge of creating new traditions while honoring memories

-Balancing self-care with pushing oneself socially

-Anticipatory anxiety about approaching holidays

-Finding moments of growth and resilience amidst ongoing grief

With vulnerability and honesty, Chris reflects on the dualities of grief - feeling both sadness and joy, wanting connection yet needing solitude. He hopes to integrate past memories with new experiences, especially for his young daughter.

This podcast offers listeners a compassionate, unfiltered look at navigating life's darkest moments, reminding us of our shared humanity in the face of loss and change.

In this heartfelt conclusion to his three-part personal narrative, host Chris shares the most transformative chapters of his life story. From his move to California and early sobriety to finding love, marriage, and fatherhood, Chris opens up about the beautiful and challenging moments that shaped his journey.

Highlights include:

• ​The awkward and endearing beginnings of his relationship with his late wife, Blythe
• ​Navigating unexpected pregnancy, loss, and health challenges as a couple
• ​The joy of becoming parents and the struggle of facing a devastating diagnosis
• ​Reflections on authentic living, vulnerability, and the power of connection

Chris concludes with poignant thoughts on legacy, continuing to honor Blythe's memory and finding meaning in life's unpredictable path. This episode is a testament to resilience, love, and the ongoing nature of our personal stories.

Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of suicide, pregnancy loss, death, and terminal illness.

Disclaimer: Chris is not a trained professional, and this podcast is not intended as advice. The content shared is based on personal experiences and thoughts, offering a genuine, unfiltered look at one person's journey through grief and self-discovery.