Man Up / Man Down

Charlie Bethel is Chief Officer of the UK Men's Sheds Association, an organisation that supports community spaces across the UK for men to 'Do Stuff'. What does ‘Do Stuff’ mean?

Woodwork, metal work, electronics... basically making, fixing, upcycling. What does this achieve?

• 96% reduction in loneliness

• 75% reduction in anxiety

• 89% reduction in depression

With over 1,000 “Sheds” in the UK, the movement helps challenge loneliness for men and women across the UK. 

Although many of the meeting spaces aren’t actually sheds - with venues varying from disused morgues, to chicken farms to abandoned industrial sites. So what is the theory behind the sheds? 

As Charlie explains - if you put six men in a room and ask them to talk, nothing really happens. However if you put a broken lawnmower in the middle of the room and some  tools, it’s not long before the conversation is free flowing and reserved men are discussing health, bereavement or any other issues they have been bottling up. 

As we have seen across our episodes, these sheds help create purpose in someone’s life, who due to retirement or bereavement have lost their zest for life. People fix furniture, do wood work, metal working or build bird boxes. Some just come along for a cup of tea and a chat.  

The difference between women and men is that women seem to be able to socialise a lot better than men. Whilst David is generalising here, the sheds provide men a reason to socialise. According to stats from the US, 15% of men don’t have any friends. And besides sports, the pub is the other most likely other place you find men.

Both David and Volker were shocked to discover that while, suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 46, there is also another peak of suicide among men aged around 70. The idea itself came from Australia but has now spread to Canada, the UK, Denmark and Japan. Although Charlie says he is only involved in the UK branch.

The vast majority of sheds also integrate women and some are mixed as well. The challenge is that sometimes the dynamic can change but for most shed’s it’s working fine. It also helps ex offenders to integrate better into society; there are also sheds in prisons and hospices, to get people together and talk before they go, allowing for connections and making a positive impact in society.

If you are interested in opening a shed, you don’t need a property but the organisation can help you to set it all up. Find out more here: www.menssheds.org.uk

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In today’s episode we welcome Benjamin May, the founder of the charity The New Normal. Another highly inspirational tale for a number of reasons. Ben didn’t have the most positive start in life.

He was expelled from school at the age of 10 and ended up with a criminal record. Ben’s parents were getting a divorce and one of his teachers cruelly told him that “parents who get a divorce, don’t love their children”. 

Ben was obviously upset and planned his revenge. He waited for a little while, called the teacher at home, and left threats on her answering machines, in a voice that he didn’t think the teacher would recognise. Unfortunately she did, and 10 year old Ben was arrested and put in a cell.

At that point he was told that he doesn’t have any hope in life. The minute he went to secondary school, everyone knew who he was - he was the 10 year old that had been arrested. He was also diagnosed as being dyslexic, but wasn’t supported properly, and left school with poor grades.

Not knowing what he wanted to do, his mum recognised his creative side and suggested he enter the hair industry and he never looked back. Starting as a colourist Ben won many awards but never received praise from his bosses. He then became a barber on the Isle of Dogs, realising that he thrived on the conversation’s with customers.

Sadly Ben’s father died. However this tragedy sowed the seed for The New Normal.One day a new client walked into Ben’s barbershop. During the conversation Jack revealed his father had recently passed away. As it was still just two years since Ben’s father had died, he could relate.

The two started hanging out on a regular basis, going to gigs and football matches. Jack’s mental health took a downturn and he turned to therapy. During treatment Jack mentioned his close relationship with Ben and how helpful their conversations had been.

Jack’s therapists asked Jack if he and Ben had considered starting a talking group. They decided to give it a go. In May 2018 they launched the first ever Good Grief meeting. 

After booking a room and then posting on social media, they didn’t think anyone would turn up.

But they did.

That meeting formed the basis of the charity they founded, The New Normal. From a North London community centre to a global charity that reaches many parts of the world. The New Normal now hosts 25+ meetings a month. What they do is support different communities and try and combat loneliness.

The challenges people discuss is no longer just about helping those going through bereavement. The New Normal Charity now has groups focusing on people of colour, LBGTQ+, young carers, students and so on; some groups focus on mental health and wellbeing, one for people over 40 called Grey Matters, Boys and Girls talks. Ride and Run clubs. 

All meetings are online and anyone going through training and checks can run a group and anyone can be part of a group. What Ben and Jack envisage is to create spaces globally for people to speak and exchange. They have launched in France France and US and China are on the roadmap.

Ben’s whole working life has been about holding space for others, learning how to communicate and seeing the impact of simple, straightforward conversations. We can’t wait to hear what the future holds.

Please check out The New Normal Charity

On Instagram you can find them on @TNNCharity and @ldn_brbr

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Mick is the founder and CEO of Yodel Mobile, one of the world's leading app marketing agencies. 

Despite founding several successful businesses and winning industry awards, Mick was diagnosed with Dyslexia and ADHD at the age of 54, back in March 2022.

Back when he was in school in the 1980s, he was tested for behavioural ‘problems’ by the local authority, but didn’t receive a diagnosis other than ‘just having problems’. Mick always had challenges with spelling and writing from an early age but just accepted it and tried to work around them.

When his son was diagnosed with dyslexia 7 years ago, Mick felt that he could relate to a ot of the symptoms. As a result he had an assessment himself and was diagnosed with both dyslexia and ADHD.

For him it was a huge relief, understanding why there are certain elements of life that he struggles with. Over the years he would jump feet first into opportunities, while avoiding things he wasn’t that interested in.

At university he completed a Business Studies degree and found that certain elements of the course just clicked. He started working in advertising and realised that he had a creative flair.

While he has a huge amount of confidence in some areas, Mick also suffers with imposter syndrome - a common feeling among the neurodiverse. 

Discussing Volker’s son’s recent dyslexia diagnosis, Mick congratulated him suggesting that in many ways this is an advantage - while dyslexia does make some tasks a challenge it also results in innovative thinking, approaching problems from an angle others wouldn’t consider. 

For example, great thinkers such as Albert Einstein, Richard Brandson and many other entrepreneurs and innovators are dyslexic. It’s important for the school to support kids with those difficulties of course, and sometimes that can be an uphill battle as Mick describes as well.

While there is evidence that many people with undiagnosed neurodiversity self-medicate with alcohol and drugs to cope with the challenges, Mick never resorted to those. He manages his neurodiversity through reading or exercising. He admits that he suffers from anxiety and takes a natural antidepressant when life is particularly challenging. 

The main thing is he has learnt to not self-criticise himself and be kinder to himself, such as organising lunch with Volker ;-) It’s about self-compassion. Btw, we had that lunch recently and it was great to see you in person (Volker).

We hope this episode draws more awareness so parents know the warning signs and symptoms to look out for.

However the main message is - if your child isn’t engaged with school, it doesn’t mean they don’t have any prospects ahead of them. They just have different strengths and talents.

If you want to get in touch with Mick, please connect with him on Linkedin or go via his website:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/mickrigby/

www.yodelmobile.com

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This week’s episode was a special one for a number of reasons. Mainly because we welcomed Louise Chunn, the founder of our sponsor Welldoing. 

Secondly, we wanted to mark the fact that it’s Mental Health Awareness Week. And obviously we talk about mental health on here A LOT! 

Thirdly, David was in Portugal for a stag do, so was living the digital native dream. Recording from Home 2, the nicest co-working space David has ever used. He even had a soundproof booth to record from. Although this only helped amplify the squeaky plastic stool he was perched on, which Volker helpfully pointed out, when he heard it. 

Fourthly, this was the first episode that David had recorded since his Dad had died. David didn’t want to go into details, but it had been a very traumatic experience (that he may share in the future). However, he wanted to thank everyone who had shown support, and reached out during this period. It’s been an emotional time. 

However, while it was impossible to avoid the subject, David didn’t want this to overshadow Louise’s story, who was an incredible guest. And we’re not just saying that because her organisation sponsors the show. Louise Chunn is a prize-winning journalist and former editor of a number of magazines, including Psychologies, Good Housekeeping and InStyle. She has also written for publications ranging from The Guardian to Vogue. As a former journalist himself David wanted to hear how Louise had made the leap from journalist to digital and wellness entrepreneur. Particularlyas this had happened relatively late in her career.

After her third redundancy, as the internet overtook the traditional publishing industry, Louise realised she had to make a change. She also realised that any new career had to be digital, despite not being an early adopter of the internet. Like many great ideas, the concept for Welldoing.org came during a late-night discussion with Louise’s husband. Following Louise’s struggle to find the right therapist, when she needed one, he planted the idea of a platform that matches therapists with patients. Essentially a dating app for therapists and clients.

Louise spoke about the challenge of working with start-up boot camps. Saying that she got the opportunity to go to Silicon Valley at the age of 59 but felt like she was 109! Despite her reservations, the concept was obviously a popular one. She said the major shift in discussing mental health came when Prince William and Harry Became more open about their challenges and experiences.Louise then spoke about how middle-age throws up a number of challenges where you are facing redundancies and the deaths of friends, relatives and parents. Whilst she doesn’t believe that everyone needs to see a therapist, she said there will be times when life does get overwhelming or there may be something that has held you back from your past that you want to address but have never been able to discuss.

She said that the benefits of seeing a therapist are that it's someone you can trust, it won't go any further and you know you won’t be judged. While you have to pay for therapy, this is an important part of the process-it’s evidence that you are investing in something that’s incredibly important to you. 

David then had a rant about the reaction to Prince Harry’s book, stating that what he’d experienced even before his mother died would cause anyone trauma. Louise then said that in the last 12 months, there had been an increase in the volume of men using the site, particularly the paid-for matching service. Louise said that while the pandemic has been a factor, there were a number of reasons for people to use the service. She mentioned many of the issues that we have discussed on the podcast and the conversation turned to the pressures of social media and technology, which has its benefits but also has a very dark side. She said that it’s not only highly addictive but fosters constant comparison with others. Volker finally got the opportunity to speak. He touched on some points that Louise had mentioned, particularly how divorce can result in loneliness more for men. This is because friendship groups often revolve more around the female’s friends, so the man suddenly finds himself without a social life and male support. Volker also spoke about how suicide rates had increased in line with smartphone adoption. He also talked about how social media was everyone sharing all the positive things in their life. So the perspective is that you’re the only person whose life isn’t perfect. Louise spoke about how she became increasingly self-conscious and obsessed with social media metrics after opening a TikTok account to boost her profile. 

However, David and Louise also spoke about the benefits of Facebook which enables you to connect with people you'd lost touch with or live a great distance away. Louise said that she felt the smartphone was particularly bad as you never get a break from work. As the discussion turned to technology Volker and Louise spoke about how AI could be used to provide additional support. However, we then spoke about how everyone’s case is unique and that it’s the individuality of a human therapist that can’t be replicated.

Louise then spoke about the different ways you could use a therapist, with different approaches. She also clarified that she wasn’t a therapist herself. Louise then spoke about the different types of therapy and the theory behind them. 

If you are facing a challenging time and feel it would help to talk to a therapist (It will!) then take a look at welldoing.org.

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In this episode we welcomed Joe Horton from Guild of Dads. Joe set up the Guild of Dads podcast and brotherhood for dads in 2020 after he went through a period of great personal change and upheaval in his own life after his dads’ passing. 

He now coaches and mentors other professional men and dads who are at the midway point of life - to navigate this tricky time with greater balance, purpose, and thriving relationships. He also organised a monthly dads’ hike on the Ashdown Forest in Sussex aptly called The Guild of Dads Hike.

Joe lives a great life, but at some point a few years ago he asked himself ‘is there something else I should do’? Given he is a keen student of personal development, he thought there must be more in life, and more he could do. Listening to a podcast about brotherhoods for men, he founded the Guild of Dads, getting dads together to walk in the forest, but also he offers 1-2-1 coaching for men.

He read James Hollis who suggested that the first half of life is the ego journey, where you’re driven by materialism. The second half is the soul journey, where skills and resources are different. We often take a view on success being material values and money. All that we were told is to achieve and have success, and once we do, we often end up not knowing what to do next. 

We also touch on suicide. Middle-aged men are more likely to die by suicide than any other age group. Postnatal depression, addiction and workaholism, marital problems, loneliness and losing a parent all contribute to this. There is also the post kids no man’s land, and often we put on a few pounds and we don’t look after our mental health. That goes in line with abuse of alcohol or other self-medication. 

Volker argues that time isn’t ticking down, and that if we change our lifestyle and life to 120, we are only ⅓ through our life at 40. There is some excitement about the opportunities to live longer and have more opportunities to try new things, different jobs and meet new people. Isn’t it all about perspective and purpose?

Other people seem to put their marriage on hold until the kids leave the house. That can’t be a solution. A few people hit the wall and have a re-think in terms of what priority there should be in life. Often there is just work and life, and nothing else; life is revolving around kids and that’s all there is. But we have to look at life and prioritise ourselves, and it’s not a selfish thing to do. This is one of the reasons Joe put out those walks for men to get out and invest in themselves to recharge their batteries and share their story with other men.

According to Joe “Vision + Action = Meaning” - and these things need to be done regularly by men to create meaning in their life. Whether that is to build a she in the garden or going for a walk. Life is made of a lot of small ‘meanings’. Joe, who also suffers from depression, suggests that having that formula helped him to get through slumps.

Some people go through life with no self-awareness and just get on with life, not looking left and right. They seem to be able to just carry on without being stressed, unless they seem calm on the outside and feel different on the inside. Again, their meaning and purpose is different to others, and society has a lot of input on how we see and interact with the world. 

You can find Joe on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joe-horton-guildofdads/ or www.guildofdads.com 

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This episode was recorded back in February, the day before David and his family visited David’s dad. Sadly it was the last time David’s wife and children saw him.

However, on that day, which was the last opportunity for David to have a coherent conversation with his Dad, following some suggestions from Steve, David got to know a few things about his father’s childhood, which helped strengthen their bond. In short, David feels that he didn’t have any unresolved issues, despite a complicated relationship with his Dad. So David will always be grateful for recording this episode at (in hindsight) such a critical time.

But enough about David - let’s learn more about Steve. Steve spent his 20’s and 30’s working flat out as a Marketing Manager in three big organisations. Aged 40 he “fixed it” with his father (who had put him in a children’s home at the age of 13, following the wishes of Steve’s stepmother) and this transformed his life. 

He followed his heart and set up his own company as a leadership coach. Since then he has worked with over 20,000 people – most of them men, in more than 100 organisations in 20 different countries. He has given Ted Talks on Understanding Men and the relationship between Fathers and Sons. 

More importantly for him, he has radically improved his relationships with his wife, his children and himself.   

His TED talk brought tears to both David’s and Volker’s eyes. We read out a part of a chapter of Steve Buddulhph’s book Manhood, You and your Father. It’s showcases the truth on how important our relationships with our dads are. Particularly the relationship of middle aged men with their parents who are now in their 70ies and up to their 90ies. Generations that found it almost impossible to talk about their emotions and feelings. Their life was about survival.

And we never learnt from our fathers how to be a father. Steve, like many people his age, worked hard, had a corporate career and tried to be a good ‘bread winner’. At weekends he went out with his mates and got drunk, but they never spoke about anything important. Their conversations never had any depths. 

Steve subsequently saw a therapist who helped him to deal with his childhood. His mum died when he was 8, and he was put in a home at the age of 13. When he started working, he was hardly around for school plays or spending time with the kids, but on holidays when he could really focus on them. And when his father in law died, he was putting work commitments over his family commitments.  

Volker had a similar experience, and believes a lot of those attitudes come from us doing what generations before us believed in: hard work and providing for the family without considerations of feelings or what would be right, e.g. putting family commitments over work commitments. However, other families show more feelings, and some countries show more emotions too. Steve thinks that countries which index high for happiness usually have higher emotional connections between generations.

Following his therapy Steve went and saw his father, reconciling things with him, understanding how he grew up and what made him the way he was when he was younger. This led him to be able to forgive his father. Since then he has had a nourishing and fantastic relationship with his father. Without him fixing it, he couldn’t have opened his own business. He had bad relationships with his work colleagues which all disappeared after he fixed it with his father.

Steve and Volker, both from a leadership coaching perspective, come across the situation quite a bit in the workplace that men have problems with (male) work colleagues, and this is often related to their relationship with their father. Particularly if the relationship is with a superior, authoritative person. And we need more leaders in the workplace.

If you want to find out more, please connect with Steve on LinkedIn or visit his website www.corebusiness.nl

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This week we were joined by Andy Delderfield, the founder of Alcohol Free Runners. Although Andy and David only met a  little over a year ago through one of the co-founders of Oner Year No Beer, they immediately hit it off and made a firm  friendship. 

Andy’s story is that having travelled and finally settled in Spain, he began to enjoy the ex-pat lifestyle a little bit too much - spending the weekends drinking solidly and feeling like crap for the rest of the week.

As a result he was overweight and depressed and his relationship with his family was suffering.

He discovered the One Year No Beer Movement and after several hiccups has not had a drink in 4 years.

During that time he has become a lot healthier, lost loads of weight and now runs ultra marathons. During lockdown he  ran a marathon without leaving his house and has also completed the London and Valencia marathons. However his biggest achievement was a multi-day ultra-marathon across the arctic circle.

David at time of recording is on a streak of being sober, and the benefits seem to be immense. Energy, control, and better sleep. 

However, Volker loves his bottle of red on a Friday night, making homemade pizza. Since recording the episode he is trying to break the habit of ‘red wine being default’. 

As Andy pointed out, society fuels drinking alcohol. We grow up with it, the amount and drinks we are allowed as we get older. From beer to hard liquor and cocktails. However, at the end of the day it is a drug and a depressant. With alcohol free beers and now decent red wine being available, we can have fun without alcohol and still enjoy our favourite drink.

It seems that David and Andy had a different relationship to alcohol where they drank 6 pints on a Friday night, something Volker hasn’t done for many years. It’s not serving anyone to binge drink and if you have a problem stopping after a few drinks, then it is a time to evaluate whether drinking is still serving you.

The question is why we drink and whether we are in control. There are 4 C’s: Andy makes the suggestion that everyone should take a break of alcohol for 100 days to see if it still serves them and if they are in control. 

What alcohol takes away is our consistency of doing things. Self-compassion is important and with alcohol you might do things that you might regret. 

Connection is the last one, as we think alcohol is something we need to connect to people.

Recently Andy had a full health check to see what impact 4 years without alcohol had had on his body - such as lowering cholesterol.

Sadly he discovered he had prostate cancer. While that’s a massive shock, without the blood tests he wouldn’t have found out until it was possibly too late.

Because he’s caught it early the outlook is a lot more positive - although he is still facing quite a challenge. We wish Andy the best of luck and hope to have him on in season 2 to discuss his progress.

If you are interested in ‘Alcohol Free Runners’ or working with Andy as a coach, please reach out on the links above or email him: [email protected]

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Jason is a former CMO of a multi billion dollar global media business who decided to completely change his life as he approached his 50th birthday. Fed up with his lacklustre energy and lifestyle Jason embraced health & fitness. In a remarkable personal transformation, Jason lost 20kg in weight, while self correcting several ailments and gaining a lust for life he hadn’t experienced since his teens. 

As a fully qualified Coach and Personal Trainer, Jason now helps tens of thousands of middle aged men to live a better, healthier life through his fast growing social media fans and PT clients.

From an outside point of view Jason had a life that was to be envied. A corporate job with lots of travel, for a well known organisation. People were always excited to hear more about his work once they heard what he did.

But while he had a job and career that many would dream of, he reached a point where he realised that he was  no longer passionate about  it. He’d lost his zest for life and felt stuck and exhausted. After seeing a docter he was diagnosed with burnout and depression and prescribed antidepressants.

It was then he realised that while he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with the second stage of his life, he knew he didn’t want to carry on the same way. 

So he began:

• Going to the gym

• Changing his diet

• Trail running

• Cut down on sugar and fats

• Swimming and tennis lessons

In the space of a few months Jason lost 20kg, reducing his Body Mass Index (BMI) from “Obese to normal”, got rid of hypertension and improved his resting heart rate and VO2 max. He had never felt this good about himself.

Jason’s motivation was about ‘the person he wanted to be’, really focusing on a clean diet and eating lots of protein.

While Jason didn’t hire a coach to help him through it, he used self taught self development practice to help him to better himself. However, he now helps others to improve their life. Whether it is weight loss or diet change, or a combination of that paired with exercise. He always knew what he needed to do, create the WHY, a Northstar to follow.

Like most busy business men, Jason realised in hindsight that he prioritised his career and the role of the “financial provider” over his relationship with his family. Jason talks about how he went on a business trip when his father had been diagnosed with cancer - “because that’s what was expected.” As Volker suggested previously, he has prioritised work over family in the past, which he regrets. 

David on the other hand, was in a lucky position where he could spend his children’s early years as a stay at home dad. That wasn’t always recognised as a thing for a ‘man to do’. Luckily expectations are changing.

Jason says that one of the many benefits of his transformation is the amazing relationship he has with his son.

We finish the podcast with a philosophical question whether 50 is halfway or not. And Jason says his best years of his life were between 50 and 53. What a statement to make! Here is to midlife. 

To find Jason online you can follow his Instagram account @Jason_new_u_coaching or you can find him on Tiktok here: https://www.tiktok.com/@fit_in_midlife. Jason’s website is www.new-u-coaching.com

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We welcomed Roei Samuel who founded two companies, RealSport which got acquired and then Connectd. RealSport grew to a community of over 8 million monthly unique users across UK, USA & Australia and was acquired in 2018.

After spending time as an investor, he realised that  many of the frustrations he felt as a founder were also true as an investor and start-up advisor. There was a distinct lack of diversity and accessibility in investment opportunities for start-ups. All the same types of deals were going to the same group of investors - stifling innovation for both the founders and potential investors.

So he founded Connectd.

What we wanted to talk about today was his journey to becoming a 2x founder whilst having dyslexia and ADHD.

The power behind neurodivergent founders is that they build workplaces that understand that people’s brains work differently, and the power behind neurodivergent team members is the diversity of thought. 

He suggested that ADHD can give you a competitive edge when being a founder, as long as you can use the part that is hyper focused to your advantage. People just think people with ADHD can’t sit still but that isn’t true. 

Reoi was diagnosed with dyslexia at the age of 6. After the ADHD diagnosis he went on medication, just to get through the education system. However, Roei really enjoys studying, and wanted to become a diplomat, until he realised he wasn’t very diplomatic 🙂

He never thought that he would get a job in a traditional structure, and his dad was very similar, not fitting into those structures and looked for new things to do all the time. Often ADHD isn’t diagnosed and David has been waiting for 5 and a half years (at the time of recording) to get an official diagnosis via the NHS. 

Reoi started running bus trips for international students at uni, and he started podcasting and had a ton of energy to get things off the ground. Roei then started RealSport to share content on social media. 

To stay on top of things, Roei needed a really good COO, someone who is organised and structured to fill in the blindspots his condition creates. The key is to create optimal situations based on the things he can control. Building routines, habits and having tools that work and help him. Mindfulness is a key thing as it helps to focus on one thing at a time. For him it’s all about getting up at 5 am, coffee, not drinking alcohol, avoiding sugar and high processed foods. But also having a good night’s sleep is a building block for good mental health. 

Again we talked about not drinking alcohol, and the improvement on sleep as well as a higher tolerance to stress. It actually helps Roei to be more focused. When it comes to networking, he finds it difficult to not drink in social environments, relationships that revolve around a drink. Yet it is for a selfish reason to not drink, and it’s important to be true to one’s own values and convictions. 

Roei’s morning routine is all about getting up early, exercising, commuting to work and being at his desk for 8:30 in order to get on top of his todo list. Nothing like ticking a few boxes early in the morning and being ready for the day. When it comes to 9 am, then there are whats app messages coming in, slack etc.

Discipline is key for Roei, whether you take cold showers, or abstaining from alcohol or working through your emails. 

A fascinating insight on how to be successful as a neurodivergent founder. Thanks again for being our guest.

You can reach out to Reoi via www.connectd.co or Linkedin.

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This episode was definitely a sensitive subject to touch on but one that our guest, Andy Barham, dealt with, with grace and humour. 

When we started the podcast, the goal was to raise awareness of topics that men are embarrassed to speak about. Erectile Dysfunction is definitely one of those topics.

Andy Barham was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Thankfully he caught it early and beat it after having his prostate removed.

However one of the side effects of the operation was erectile dysfunction. While this is a common side effect in the early stages of recovery, Andy found that months went by without getting back to normal. 

After trying traditional ED medicine (the “blue pills”) he then progressively had to try more extreme methods to get an erection. The only thing that worked was self-administered injections into the penis.

Understandably, this wasn’t very practical. As he explains, there was no spontaneity with injections - you had to plan well ahead. Andy persevered with this, and has an understanding wife (who is a nurse), however he said that this wouldn’t be an option for someone who was dating.

He also described one particular evening when, after a few drinks, he and his wife felt frisky. However, due to his alcohol intake, his aim was slightly off and ended up injecting his thumb…

Andy then began researching erectile implants. As an engineer by training, Volker was highly interested in the mechanics of the implant, which Andy was more than happy to explain.

The way it works is that you have a third testical or marble sized lump, which pumps a liquid from a reservoir in your abdomen to the implant. Andy says this enables him and his wife to have more spontaneity. 

Andy can now last longer, and he would still get an orgasm (although the removal of his prostate means he doesn’t ejaculate). From his opinion it is even more intense, because you last longer, similar to wearing a condom. 

David was interested to hear about the psychological aspect of “not being able to perform.” Andy admitted that he had gotten very depressed, which wasn’t something he’d experienced before, even though he had gone through the stress of a marriage break up and other life stresses in the past.

Andy said that a major factor in getting through this process was the support and understanding of his wife.

However it was a slow process, trying different things (each one more extreme than the last) to get an erection. Countless hours of doctor visits, trying new medications and pumps, giving feedback, trying something new. 

Nothing prior to this ever pushed him over the edge, and it just shows how much pressure a non-functional ‘friend’ can put on a man! 

Whilst it wasn’t uncommon, 1 in 10 people who get their prostate removed, will get erectile dysfunction. However, as it was pointed out, if you are stressed and anxious, it is totally common for men not to be able to perform. And many men we spoke to, have a stash of those little blue pills ‘just in case’ to help them. The more people you speak to, more men admit that they have experience using them. 

Once you turn 70, 70% of men have problems with erections. During your 40ies we are looking at 5%. So the older you get, the more likely the “little chap” might need some assistance. 

Thankfully, as Andy has discovered there are a range of solutions that help you with it, whether it is the little blue pill, therapy if it is related to stress and anxiety or an implant.

We discussed how men just don’t ‘feel like a man’ if they cannot have sex, and there is a social expectation that you have to have sex on a regular basis. And most couples would, as the average amount of sex is weekly or more. However, if some couples don’t have sex every week, there are others that have sex a lot more often. 

We also discussed how it’s also a common expectation that men “are always up for it” which may not be true as we get older.

If you want to find out more about Andy, please reach out to him on LinkedIn or his Coloplast Patient Educator site. He likes helping others in a similar situation. His Book ‘You can stick that up your arse’ can be found on Amazon.

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