Mark Steadman's Escape Hatch - Brum Radio

Mark presents a compilation of the best bits of the story from the last 12 weeks, featuring. Stuart Langridge, Jessica Rose, Poppie Simmonds, Tom Lennon, Blake Woodham, Jamie Garner, Philip Ellis, Matt Smith, Ryan Parish, Daz Wright, Rob Kemp and Paul Hadsley.

Mark's producer Paul joined him live in studio to play the final chapter of Zombies on a Spaceship , and to talk, inevitably about kittens. The story so far You’ve successfully repaired the breach in realities that caused the Seamstresses - a race of matter-destroying killer arachnoids - to come out of hiding, by fixing a plot hole created by the Narrativo, a computer that feeds on decision and produces story. > In traveling to one of the alternate realities that was formed by this plot hole, you met a copy of your captain and brought her to your home dimension. Your original captain is with you at the computer terminal where you fixed the broken story, but what has become of her counterpart? > Is she still alive, or has she winked out of existence? And if she is alive, will she ever be able to make it back to her home dimension? These questions, and possibly more - or perhaps fewer - will be answered today. Opening scenario You stare blankly at the innocent menu screen on the ancient computer, and slowly get up from the chair. Spalletti straightens her back and you look at each other, exchanging wordless glances that say everything. > “Should we… go?” says Spalletti, and without a word, you turn and walk back to where you hope is the door. You follow a tiny prick of green light in the distance, and as you round on it you realise it’s an Exit sign. > You hit the panel on the door to open it and are instantly met by the shocked and furious face of a security droid. > “What the…” it stammers in its metallic monotone. “Where… I mean… like… where did you come from?”

Mark is joined by comedian Rob Kemp, to play chapter 11 of Zombies on a Spaceship. Check out Rob's YouTube project Left of the Podium - the show he does with Dave Pitt, celebrating the fourth best of everything - and see him at the Edinburgh Fringe (midnights at the Monkey Barrel). Here's the story so far: 36 hours ago you boarded the AMS Donald Trump, an abandoned ship whose crew have turned to zombies. You’d originally thought that a deadly gas you’d encountered was the cause behind their deaths, but you’ve subsequently learned of a much richer plot, featuring interesting characters and nail-biting cliffhangers. It’s really been quite the adventure, and something that would one day make a great Kindle Single, priced at just 99p. > It turns out that reality has fractured, and the beings responsible for mending the break - inter-dimensional arachnoids called seamstresses - chomp through inorganic matter, while their venom carries a virus that turns anything living into the undead. They aim to multiply and devour the splinter worlds and return the universe to a single, easy-to-follow timeline. > In the intervening time you could have sworn you blew up the ship, then jumped into an alternate reality via the means of an escape pod, rescued and then subsequently killed a one-armed robot, met the mirror copy of your ship’s captain and united her with your own captain, who you’ve brought aboard a shuttle which is now headed back to the AMS Donald Trump, where you hope to find the reason behind the split in realities. > Armed with only a jar of cadmium powder and a laser pistol, can you repair the break before the seamstresses destroy the mirror universe? And if you do, what will that mean for the friends you’ve made there? All this will be answered after this. And the scenario opens thusly: You arrive at the docking bay, and your shuttle’s console reboots into the operating system of the ship you’re about to enter. > You hear a “booong” noise and the screen shows the words “Narrativo 0.9 beta 3”. After a few seconds the screen is replaced by a grid of six icons, three dots and the words “Select story”.

This week Mark is joined by Moselele organiser and Eye on Moseley writer Daz Wright. They talk local community engagement, singing in public and of course zombies, as Daz plays chapter 10 of Zombies on a Spaceship. The story so far You are an Ensign aboard the Spacey McSpaceFace, and reality is falling apart. You've just been introduced to the Seamstresses, a horde of inter-dimensional killer arachnoids that eat away at realities that have diverged from their course. > Inside them the spiders carry a virus that eats away at organic life, while the creatures themselves destroy everything inanimate, boring holes through walls and slowly devouring the ship. > You know there must be three realities: you've heard them referred to as D1, D2 and D3. You're making your way back to your home reality with the captain you left behind, and the captain you picked up in this universe. From your home world you'll need to find out what's caused the spiders to come out of hiding, and reverse whatever decision was made, so you can bring balance to the spacetime continuum. Opening scenario: As you cross the threshold from one copy of the captain’s ready room into the other, you wonder if you’ll ever get used to the sensation of crossing dimensions. Also, what are the long-term implications? You try not to think about this, as the two Spallettis compare notes on their near-identical lives. > You gather you’re going to need some way of distinguishing the two captains by name, so for a first draft you opt for “Home Spalletti” and “Away Spalletti”, and figure you can circle back later if you think of something better. > “Listen”, says Home Spalletti, “we need to find out where our realities diverged, and which one is the broken timeline. Nicoletta -“ she looks squarely at the other captain, and you make a mental note of her first name, “you might have to face the possibility that your world is already history. It won’t take the Seamstresses long to multiply and chew up everything that doesn’t comply with their view of the universe”. > They continue talking as you all head from the ready room to the lifts, taking a trip five decks up to Operations. > “But if I’m still here in this world”, says Away Spalletti, “aren’t I just another aberration the spiders will want to wipe away? How long can I expect to outrun them before they end up turning me into… one of those things?” In the awkward silence that follows, you note that you’re surprised she doesn’t use the word “zombie”, given it’s already been established as canon. > As the lift doors slide open, you see a long corridor, lined with windowed offices, whose doors bear nameplates denoting the various different departments aboard the ship. > You discuss how the trouble started, and trace it back to the AMS Donald Trump which you set foot aboard, less than 36 hours ago. > “But how will you find it?” asks Away Spalletti, and just as she does so, from out of a door marked IT, bursts a thin, terrified man in glasses and a checked shirt, pursued hotly by a larger woman in jeans and a black top. Her eyes are bloodshot and her jaw is working constantly up and down. Now it seems the infection has made it to Pauline from HR. > As you begin to draw your weapon, your captain stops you with a quiet “no”, gently lowering your arm. “We don’t want to cause a panic; we don’t know how many other infected are in there, and if everyone stampedes, we could end up losing half the admin staff in two minutes.” Given your annual appraisal is due in two weeks, you can’t help but wonder if this would be so bad, but you take her point. Now you need to figure out how you can safely dispatch the zombie, without causing a panic.

This week Mark is joined by the original Geeky Brummie himself, Ryan Parish. They play chapter 9 of Zombies on a Spaceship, and solve the immortal question: geek or nerd. Here's the story so far: You’ve found yourself unwittingly bounced around multiple versions of a single reality. In the version you remember, you blew up a ship and took a robot home with you. In a dimension-hopping escape pod you ended up in a reality similar to yours in almost every respect. Up until very recently you were helping the ship’s captain fight off a horde of zombies whose infection is spread by inter-dimensional arachnoids. > You were in the middle of a plan to defeat a swarm of zombies before Blorp, the robot you rescued betrayed you and the captain, who he’s taken hostage and whose mouth he’s taped up. > You took control of the situation by laying down one of your weapons, encouraging him to do the same, and when he least expected it, you whipped out your second gun and shot off his gun hand. You ran over to the captain, ripped off the tape and in that instant she screamed “For God’s sake, don’t!” > In the split-second you look away, Blorp reaches for the gun you tossed aside, and shoots you in the head. You'll have to listen to find out the opening scenario!

This week Mark is joined via Skype by fellow podcaster, and fantasy author Matt Smith. Find his book Of Wood and Stone at jamesmsmith.me Here’s the story so far: You've been aboard a ship called the Spacey McSpaceFace, on what has unaccountably turned out to be the longest day of your life. There are at least three versions of this ship as far as you can make out. Your home dimension is D3 but for reasons you can't quite explain, you've ended up in D2. The people are mostly the same in each copy, although the decisions they take aren't always the same. > In one dimension you met a robot called Blorp, who saved your life when you traveled to D2 and were nearly killed by that dimension's version of you. Before he died he suggested you steal a jar of powder from the ship's lab, which you still have on you. > Whichever dimension you travel in, you're constantly under attack by zombies, a plague which appears to be spread by vicious-looking spiders. You tracked their nest to your home dimension, where you hooked up with your captain, who it turns out, keeps a doorway between dimensions, in her ready room. You always knew she was cool. > Rather than stay in your home dimension, you chose to go back to D2 and help your newly-found friends fight off the hordes, before they spread even further. And the opening scenario: As you turn to head out of the door marked "D2", Spalletti says "wait". > She turns to her desk, and opens the second drawer from the top, and fishes out a box of cigarillos. > "I gave up years ago" she says "but if this parallel universe works any way like I think it does, she won't have. Give her these from me, and let her know I'm rooting for her". > You take the box and head out through the door, and back to an exact copy of the room, only in reverse. The old familiar trans-dimensional nausea fades, and you hear sounds of distress coming from your earpiece. > It sounds like screaming, with the occasional shot from a laser pistol. What do you do?

Brum RAdio's own Phillip Ellis joins Mark Steadman to chat No Doubt and having professional opinions. He also plays chapter 7 of Zombies on a Spaceship. Here's the story so far: You're aboard a copy of a ship called the Spacey McSpaceface, which has been overrun by zombies. You've discovered a connection between the infestation and the sudden appearance of a swarm of spiders. > Captain Spalletti clued you in on a secret door marked D3, hidden behind a wall in her ready room. You chose to go through the door, knowing it could lead to a world of inter-dimensional killer arachnoids. > Is it possible the captain knew about the existence of the spiders all along? Should this story instead have been titled "Spiders on a Spaceship and Also There are Zombies?" And what about Blorp and that whole business with the cadmium power? Find out after this. And the opening scenario: You walk slowly into the doorway, seemingly cut into the wall of the captain's ready room. The frame looks heavy and made of some ancient wood, not the MegaHogony or HyperTeak you're used to. > As you walk through, you feel that old familiar nausea from your earlier adventures, and are immediately startled by what would appear to be an exact replica of the ready room, in reverse. > Straight ahead of you is the bookshelf you used to open the door. To the left is Spalletti's desk and tablet computer, and to the right is the door leading back out to the corridor, the lift and the command deck. What would you like to do?

Mark is joined in the Comfy Bunker by the Internet's own Jamie Garner. They talk audiobooks, and play chapter 6 of Zombies on a Spaceship. Here's the story so far: This morning you left your ship on a simple scouting mission, and brought back a medibot called Blorp. The ship you returned to is similar, but not identical to the one you remember, and is unaccountably infested by zombies. You and the medibot worked with the captain to disable the ship's lockdown and alert head office. On the way to the security station, Blorp was killed trying to defend you against your panicked doppleganer (the you from this alternative ship). After disabling the lockdown, you decided to make a new life for yourself on-board this alternate ship. And this week's scenario: Your exertions have earned you a good night's rest, but you feel you may have a lot of explaining to do before you can rest your head. You leave the security station and take the lift to the command deck, where you find a pensive Captain Spalletti pacing the floor, talking to her first officer. After a few moments she welcomes you over and thanks you for your help in getting her safely to the bridge

Mark is joined by Brum RAdio's very own Blake Woodham, co-pilot of the Brum Radio Book Club and the man behind Screen Brum. They talk book-to-screen adaptations, radio fan geekdom and more. And of course Blake plays the next in the continuing saga that is Zombies on a Spaceship. The story so far: You’re aboard a ship that looks and feels like the one you remember, but is somehow different. There’s been an outbreak of some sort of zombie virus, and you’re holed up with your captain and a robot you rescued on a previous mission. Someone needs to raise the alarm and alert Head Office that you’re under attack, but for some reason you can’t cancel the lockdown from anywhere except the security deck, so someone needs to crawl through the air ducts. You chose to fight. Here's Blake's opening scenario: Blorp crouches under the air vent and gives Captain Spalletti a boost up. He then turns to you and says “what next?” > Armed with your laser pistols, you gingerly open the mess door and look both ways before entering the lift to the command deck. On the way, Blorp apologises for the cruel joke he played on you, in which he pretended to play a short game of Russian Roulette with two glasses of blue milk, one potentially poisoned. You can’t help but chew over the thought that perhaps that particular game had yet to reach its conclusion. > As the lift doors swish open, you’re greeted by your mirror image. Only the uniform is different. But also, perhaps the look of panic is more prominent on your doppelgänger’s face. > Without a word, he aims his laser pistol straight at your heart. In a picosecond Blorp is infront of the beam, shielding you from its intense heat. The beam is reflected in Blorp’s shiny surface and ricochets off his body and straight into the heart of the alternative you, in a way you suspect isn’t technically possible because physics. > Nevertheless, your brother from another dimensional mother is dead, and Blorp is dying. His logic circuits are fried and all he can say is a series of numbers. What could they mean?

Mark talks to funny freelance writer Tom Lennon about 80s text adventure games, Enid Blyton and where it's possible to satirise the world right now. Tom also plays chapter 4 of Zombies on a Spaceship, and has some tricky decisions to make. Here's this week's scenario: You’ve been sat in some kind of interview room for an hour, being grilled by Officer Henson. As you talk, he taps away at his tablet computer, and pours glass after glass of blue milk from the jug, drinking each one greedily. > You take your jacket off and prepare to retell your story for the third time. As you reach the end again, he stares at you for a full minute, presses a button on his lapel and says “Carter, get over to interview room B; I think our guest needs to cool off”. He fiddles with his earpiece then after a moment seems satisfied. He turns his attention back to you, points a fat index finger in your direction and says “Right, here’s what’s going to happen”. > A few seconds go by and he hasn’t said anything, but you see the finger start to quiver. Thick, choking sounds emanate from his throat and you see the light in his eyes slowly diminish. His ragged breathing begins to slow, but even as his lungs take their final breath, you hear a kind of moan, not unlike the drone of a bagpipe rising from his chest. > Your first thought is that you haven’t had your last encounter with the undead. Your second thought is “crap, how do I get out of here?” Slowly, the former officer rises to his feet, unsteady but unstoppable. > What do you do?