Marriage Rules with Beth Wylie

"I just want to feel heard and understood." Have those words ever come out of your mouth? Well, I have heard them many times and I have watched as couples struggle to validate one another's perspective and feelings. I have heard every excuse as to why they just can not validate their partner's reality. I have watched as one couple held their breath waiting for validation, only to be left feeling dismissed and minimized. This is why this episode is important to listen to. Validation is literally EVERYTHING! Once validation begins to happen between the couple, walls start coming down and trust within the marriage firms up and validating in the future becomes easier and easier.

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

In my training with the Gottman Institute, I learned how to help couples bring up an issue softly. I feel (insert feeling) about (what is the issue) and I need(what would you like to change or happen). While this is totally cool, adding some positive context before you even bring up your complaint. Have a listen to hear me drop a pretty varsity level front load during this episode. Enjoy!

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

Ok, so I need you to really listen to me here. If you have something important and/or hard that you need to talk to your partner about, you absolutely need to invite them to a conversation instead of just starting up a that conversation. If we side swipe, we usually elicit a defensive response and we end up in a process oriented fight (we fight over how we fight), and that, is a GIANT waste of time! When we invite our partner to a conversation where we let them know what it is we are hoping to talk about, we allow them to prepare for that conversation which then enables everyone to show up as their best selfs, with the goal being to better understand one another vs winning.

The Invitation to a Conversation episode is part 1 of my conflict series.

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

Create a meditation practice in order to be aware of how you are feeling when you are feeling it, to be able to slow down your reaction to an event and to create a more positive thought process in your life and in your relationship. Have a listen while Beth breaks it down.

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

Affection for the safe of affection is pretty rare in married couples who have kids. AND that creates a lot of disconnection and assumptions that could be cleared up by:

1. Listen to this episode

2. Talk to your partner about this episode

3. Make a goal with an intention and some action steps to work on creating more moments of affection for the sake of affection.

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

The more opportunities we create for potential positive connections, the more positive connections we have. Distractions tend to steal those opportunities, and we fall prey to the habits we create around these distractions.

Pay attention to the amount of distraction you currently have in your life, and how often you tend to add more to the plate. Do you know what you might be afraid of if you did not have your go to distraction when you started having negative feelings? Listen as Beth talks about the importance of removing distractions so you can create as many opportunities for positive connection as possible.

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

My favorite tool to share with clients is the call it back tool. When you bring up a complaint in a harsh way, or you have a certain negative tone of voice or you just start a conversation with your partner with negative vibes, then I want you to call it back. This is done by being aware of how you just started this interaction and checking in to see if you are actually upset at your partner or if you are being lazy in your communication. If it is the latter, then ask your partner if you can try that again. If you are actually upset, then you need to have that conversation instead of being reactive and putting low energy vibes out there. (been in Maui awhile if you can tell). Take a listen to dig in a bit deeper and then make a goal to hear yourself better and call it back if needed!

If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here!

https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

We tend to ask why questions to our partner instead of making an I feel statement.

When we ask a why question, we are literally asking our partner to explain themselves....aka be defensive. Once that happens then the conflict has become process oriented (fighting about how you fight) and the complaint, feeling, issue never saw the light of day. Listen to the podcast and hear Beth talk about the different tools to use instead.

To buy my online course for couples click here.

https://mailchi.mp/bethwylietherapy.com/loveoverlogistics

I am a pretty big Sublime fan, so I often think of PMA - positive mental attitude when I think about bids to connect, emotional bank account, deposits and the positive perspective. The PMA idea is that if you think positive thoughts and keep your thoughts in a more positive direction, then overall your life will be positive. Not because you life got better, but because you thought about it more positively, you life felt more positive. When we focus on the good in our life, we are more often in gratitude. That is where I want you to focus. Think positively about your partner and see what start s to flow. Where energy goes, neural firings flow (meaning we can make new connections in our brain, but we have to take a lead role in doing so).

Man we do this so easily when we first date someone. We minimize their flaws and the red flags and maximize the event where he one time bought you a rose at dinner when the girl with the basket of roses walked by. After we begin to get serious and more committed we do the opposite, minimize the good and use the bad as a nightly highlight reel for one another. 

Research on meditation and the brain has told us that 80% of our thoughts are negative and most of them are repeats from the day before. We get stuck in a loop. Sometimes we then need to justify this behavior and negative feelings so we look for more reasons that our partner has ruined our life and we are sure to let them know about it. 

How do we then make the shift? Intentional positive thinking, as well as, scanning your environment for what is going right and then pointing it out. Begin by making a daily habit of writing out things about your partner that you respect, admire and love and you can also list out appreciations that you have. Then try to point out positives as they happen.

Aloha!

To take my online course for couples, click here  https://mailchi.mp/bethwylietherapy.com/loveoverlogistics

In this episode I talk about how to stop roommate syndrome from entering your relationship or how to avoid entering into it. There is a time in your relationship when your children are at a certain age that you have a pivotal decision to make. I talk about how to be intentional with how you as a couple spend your time and prioritize your relationship, yes even over your kids. Have a listen and feel free to message me with any questions!