Married and Connected

This week I sit down with Andre Paradis, ex Chippendales dancer turned ballroom dancer turned science-based relationship coach. Andre talks in depth about the difference between boys, guys and men, what men want and how to balance your relationship by understanding your differences. We deep dive into how a relationship is a lot like ballroom dancing. Who leads? How does that happen? What does that look like? What happens when there's conflict and you're on a negative cycle? How do you get off the merry-go-round? Andre tells you what that looks like and how to navigate it. Men, if you feel like you need help understanding women, or how to be a better husband, a better partner, a better man, this is the podcast for you as well! We talk about attachment styles, negative cycles and how to create a great relationship by stepping into your partner's world.

You can find and follow Andre at any of the following links.

Andre's story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33PM5ehssWM

Website:

www.projectequinox.net

FB Page:

Project Equinox with Andre Paradis

https://www.facebook.com/Project-Equinox-272490668761/

FB Private Group for Ladies - Free

https://www.facebook.com/search/top?q=dating%20and%20relationship%20insights

YouTube:

Project Equinox with Andre Paradis

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc-n26dzlCN0dcAXgubSjGQ

Instagram:

@projectequinox

You can find and follow Kameran here: 

IG @divorce.proof.marriage

Email: [email protected]

FB: www.facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential

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I recently polled my instagram followers on whether they repaired after an argument or just moved on with or without an apology from either side. 76% of the votes said they just moved on. 

The reason this is concerning is that the repair is the most important part of the argument and it's missing in the majority of marriages.

Repairing is fostering the connection between you and your partner after the argument so there is less negativity, resentment and lingering feelings or unmet expectations. Every time you repair after conflict, you're laying another brick in the foundational elements that help you handle larger conflict down the road. You're bringing your marriage back together.

After the argument when you've both calmed down, met your basic needs (sleep, water, food), are no longer in a defensive state and can listen to each other's point of view so you can understand, not just respond, you're ready to repair. 

Come together to have a conversation about what happened. Using an I statement "I felt (emotion word) when (circumstance) because (why did it trigger you). I need _________ to move forward. 

Using I statements helps you focus on you. This is important because every time there is a conflict, both parties have a hand in it. We can't change our partner, so we have to change our own behavior. If done correctly, it takes away criticism, blame and shame of your partner.

After both sides have given their perspective, talk calmly about the disconnect that happened. Was it a miscommunication? Was there an assumption that was made (or many assumptions)? Apologize for your part in the disconnect and if possible, help your partner get the need met that they stated in their I statement. Forgive and move forward after both of you feel reconnected.

• The goal here is to approach this with a solution-oriented attitude.
• Communication is 58% body language, 35% tone and 7% words. Make sure your body language and your tone are sending the same message your words are.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes this is harder than others, especially if you're dealing with a reoccurring cycle (in which case, I would suggest getting help). Remember that this is your partner who loves you, not your enemy and you're in this to understand and do things differently, not to judge and condemn.
• Take a break if needed but you must come back and try again later. This isn't going to be perfect every single time. My husband and I have started to repair many times only to find that we aren't as calm as we thought or one of us says something that triggers the other again and we have to come back later and repair both conflicts. 
• Disconnection is not caused by conflict. Conflict is caused by disconnection. The whole purpose of the repair is to bring that connection back together, not widen the gap. Keep things calm, low in tone, slow in process, and focus on building each other back up. There is no scorecard in connected marriages.

Email: [email protected]

IG: @divorce.proof.marriage

Facebook: facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential

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Julie Menanno is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. Julie’s mission is to make the insights and practical skills she uses to treat couples in in her private practice more accessible to a wider population.

Julie runs Bozeman Therapy and Counseling where she and a staff of therapists treat couples and individuals.

Secure Love is Julie’s first book and is a guide to getting unstuck from a negative cycle and finding attachment security with your partner.

In this episode, Julie and I talk all about anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment styles. Julie gives advice and tips on how to:

• identify your attachment style
• recognize what's happening in a negative cycle
• overcome a negative cycle
• know what to do in the middle of a conflict 
• create secure attachments in your romantic relationships
• parent your children so you create secure attachments in them so they have more successful relationships later in life

This episode is a must listen to if you're in a relationship romantically, a parent, a grandparent or plan on being in any kind of relationship in the future. 

Important links: 

Julie's IG: instagram.com/thesecurerelationship

Julie's Patreon account: https://www.patreon.com/thesecurerelationship

Kameran's IG: instagram.com/divorce.proof.marriage

Kameran's Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential

Link to monthly membership mentioned in ad: recognizingpotential.teachable.com/p/connected

$10 off Amare mental wellness products: https://amare.com/g10/145624

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Dr. Lindsey Elmore is an author, board certified pharmacotherapy specialist, pharmacist, yoga instructor, and podcast host of The Lindsey Elmore Show. 

In this hour long episode, you'll absolutely want to have a pen and notebook at the ready as Dr. Elmore and I talk all about how to create a better marriage through self-awareness tools, using personality tests to understand yourself and your spouse in better ways. We talk about perspectives, share stories that will help you and discuss the 4B's for women and 4 L's for men. We talk about supplements to help couples have less cortisol, more serotonin, and better sex! The last 10 minutes of the podcast are where Dr. Elmore recommends packs and talks about individual supplements for certain things. If you listen to this episode and want to try the supplements she talks about, head over to this link to purchase for $10 off! https://amare.com/g10/145624

Lindsey and I talk a lot about what's happening with relationships as it pertains to mental health, sexual dysfunctions like dryness, erectile dysfunction, cardiovascular disease, insulin resistance, cortisol resistance, and so much more. We talk about how this is killing relationships alongside the lack of leadership, respect, love and communication techniques a good marriage takes to thrive. The book that Dr. Lindsey Elmore references is called Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzer and Emily Gregory and can be purchased on Amazon or anywhere you get your favorite books. I highly recommend this book as well! 

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In this episode, I dig deep into some hard truths about saving your marriage. If you're looking for a place to start in changing the dynamic of your marriage, this is a great starting place. All of the advice that I give you are things I've done in my marriage or ideas I've given my clients and watched it work well in theirs. 

Some of the topics I address in this podcast episode are decision and commitment, freedom, disrespect, anger, attitude, leadership in men, what it means to be the man of the house, respect, fight styles, taking responsibility for what you can control, and so much more! 

At the time of this recording, I had one spot open immediately. That has filled and one spot starting in September has filled but I do still have one more spot for 1:1 couples coaching starting in September. You can email me with any questions- [email protected]

You can also follow or tag me @divorce.proof.marriage on IG or Tiktok

You can also join my free facebook coaching group at www.facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential

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Today's episode is all about the popular marriage advice we get from all those who have gone before us. 

When I got married the first time, I remember sitting in a circle while we passed around index cards and ladies wrote their best advice on the cards. So many pieces of advice were fantastic. So many of them weren't. So we're going to dive into a few of those "common pieces of marriage advice".

1. "Never go to bed angry."

2. Marriage is 50/50

3. "Stay together for the children."

4. "Just pray about it."

5. "Passion fades over time."

6. Communicate

7. Offering hope as a strategy. “Don’t worry, it’ll get better.”

8. Just get divorced/you deserve better. 

9. What they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em.

10. If you disagree and argue a lot, you’re probably just not compatible anymore. 

Any of these sound familiar? If so, you've probably been given some bad advice. Find out how to flip that script or the mindset around that advice to make it applicable to your marriage. As always, if you have questions, want to work with me or collaborate, email me at [email protected]

Also make sure you're following me on instagram @divorce.proof.marriage and in my facebook group www.facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential.com

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Of course you've heard about love languages. Who hasn't? But in this episode, I'm breaking each of the love languages down one by one on how to speak them and what to avoid because it hurts the person with that love language more so than those without it. Did you also know that kids have certain love languages? They absolutely do and it's one of the reasons we may not have felt loved as a child because we didn't get our love languages spoken. Dr. Gary Chapman came out with the research and a few books on the Love Languages. If you need to find out your love language, head on over to his website where you and your partner can each take a quiz to find out which is your primary and your secondary love languages. 

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Then come right back here to hear all about yours and your partner's! 

The love languages are all discussed in the episode in this order: 

Acts of Service

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Gifts

Quality Time

I would recommend taking notes on your love languages as well as your partner's for easy reference in the future. Need more info but pressed for time, head over to my IG and read all about the love languages @divorce.proof.marriage or you can find the info in my private facebook coaching group www.facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential

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Before I was a marriage coach, I was a teacher. This episode is for all the kids I've taught over the years but especially for the class of 2022 as I taught them in Kindergarten and then looped with them and taught them in 1st grade too. They graduated high school a couple weeks ago so here's a dozen pieces of advice for them. If you're 30 or 40 and listening, this advice applies to you too! 

1. The friends you make in college will most likely be friends you'll have forever. Choose wisely as they will be who push you up and help you create success or drag you down. 

2. Travel! Nothing opens your eyes and changes you for the better than seeing other cultures, geographic region and experiencing life outside your comfort zone. 

3. Don't worry if you have to change your major. Figure out what you're passionate about and how to monetize that so you aren't changing it 11 times like me. Go into college and major in what fits the definition of success for YOU, not because you're living into other people's definitions of success. 

4. If money, age and time weren't an issue, who would you be? What does your best self look like? Define success, independence, love, passion, career, and rich for yourself. What do those look like specifically? 

5. Knowledge and Connections will monetize repeatedly. Money spends once.

6. When you get lost or feel like your life is spinning out of control, go back to the basics. Go back to your roots and your hometown. It will keep you grounded, humble and help center you.

7. Wait to get married! Your spouse will determine 90% of your happiness in your life. Write out what you want in a spouse, get help from people you love and look up to for this. Base your choices for dates on that list and date with intention! 

8. Save money. If you don't do it when you're broke, you wont' do it when you have a salary. 

9. Have confidence in who you are and who you're striving to be. You don't have to do anything that will challenge your values or don't want to do (even if your friends are doing it). 

10. Boundaries. No is a full sentence and doesn't need an explaination. Respect it if you hear it. Use it if you need to.

11. Trust your intuition. If your gut says something isn't right, it probably isn't.

12. My personal message for you GEHS class of 2022 and anyone I've taught that will always be "my kids". 

If you found the content in this podcast helpful or useful, please screenshot this episode and share it on your social media. Tag me on IG @divorce.proof.marriage 

Email me at coaching@recognizingpotential for more information on coaching. 

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Episode 38 focuses heavily on Dr. John Gottman's research in answering the bids for connection with your partner. Your partner can bid for connection with you over 100 times in a single meal! Are you answering those calls, turning away or rejecting them altogether? In this short but powerful episode, I'm talking to you and giving examples of how you can be on the lookout for your partner's request for connection each day, how you can make those connections and how you can grow together in your marriage.

I also talk to you about one possible solution to growing the connection, strengthening your marriage and improving your conversation- my monthly membership, Connected. For only $27 a month, you get 40 connecting questions/conversation starters you can use to have conversations with your partner that deepen connection and give you something to talk about other than "How was your day?", the weather, the kids or other "business like" topics of marriage and every day life. I give you two coaching calls that offer tips, tricks and ways for you to enhance your relationship and you get FREE access to any workshops I'm offering that month! For April, I'll be doing a workshop on communication styles. On the first of every month, the questions will change to 40 new conversation starters. The coaching videos from the previous month will come down and you'll have 2 new videos posted so as your membership renews, so will your marriage! Sign up for Connected here: recognizingpotential.teachable.com/p/connected

It would absolutely make my day if you would rate and review this podcast! Also, if you have any specific topics you'd like me to cover, please don't hesitate to email me at [email protected]

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Today's guest is a wealth of knowledge and such an incredible gift to this world! Holly Smith is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Kansas City Metro area. On this episode, we take a deep dive into attachments- anxious, avoidant, anxious/avoidant and secure. We discuss the enneagram and how that plays into attachment theories, how your upbringing and parenting styles shaped you and are shaping your children's attachment styles as well! If you are wanting to better your marriage, there are so many fantastic tips and nuggets of information in this one podcast episode! If you are struggling in your marriage, please reach out! Therapy, counseling and coaching doesn't have to be a last resort. It is absolutely effective for maintenance on your relationships, to better one part of your marriage or parenting relationships, or even as an individual, to better yourself and your situation. Here are some of the references we made on today's episode:

The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage by Rob & Kristen Bell, available on Amazon

Holly's information:

Website: www.pca4u.com
Email: [email protected]
LinkedIn: Holly Smith, LCMFT

Kameran's information:
IG: @divorce.proof.marriage
Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/recognizingpotential
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.recognizingpotential.com

Support the show