In this podcast episode, Veronica shares the story of her marriage and how she managed to make her marriage survive and thrive.

STARTING OUR MARRIAGE AND UNDERSTANDING MY PAST

The first year of marriage went something like this: you stay in your lane and I’ll stay in mine. It was a complete game. We were constantly trying to win this battle and win the role of being the alpha. Our arguments sounded like: if you don’t like it, leave. I wish it was from him, but it wasn’t.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where my parents used to fight all the time and when they did, my dad would leave. My dad would do anything possible to avoid connection and vulnerability. I remember watching my mom feeling defeated. This was all they knew and what she modeled for us unintentionally. As a result, in my own marriage, there was no way I was going to get hurt or rejected. I decided that’s what my relationship would look like and I threatened him to leave so many times. Until I started thinking.

Veronica, what are you doing? This man loves you. Why won’t you let him in? I wanted to say sorry so badly but I didn’t know how to.

SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE

In so many ways I was attempting to control the situation, our marriage, and I didn’t know how to be vulnerable. To me, vulnerability meant someone could take advantage of you and it meant you no longer have control. That was a lie.

I was waiting for something to change. Because something had to change or else divorce was on the cards.

Then I thought, what if I change and I no longer want to be with him?

Those words are the words I hear from most women that come into my office. I say to each one of them: what if you change and your relationship changes with you? What if you and your husband have the ability to grow together? Why do you allow fear to imprison you?

Fear is an emotion, not a direction.

In my own marriage, I began to believe the lie that ‘we’re just in a bad phase, we’ll get out of it’ and other lies I told myself.

Ask yourself the following:

• What lies are you telling yourself?
• How is this impacting your relationship?
• Are you married to your roommate?
• Do you feel connected?

We can not rely on anyone else to meet our needs as we have to meet our own needs first. Know what they are and work on them.

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