Media Savvy Moms

Have you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes at Media Savvy Moms? Tune in for some fun chatter and silly stories with your favorite co-hosts.

Raising kids in a porn-saturated world is a tough business, and we're here for you. But this week, we're taking a break to put our feet up and get to know each other a little bit. 

So, plug in and listen while you're wrapping, baking, prepping for company, or scrambling around. And ...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 

Love,

Melody & Marilyn

(P.S.) This is our Season 1 finale. Stay tuned for a big announcement as we kick off Season 2 in January 2020!

Kid lingo, teenspeak, slang … whatever you wanna call it, we old folks are out of the loop. But what are they saying? Which words are just for fun? And which are cause for concern? Let’s talk about it!

 

We consider ourselves to be pretty cool parents. But our kids think we’re cringey or a little extra. Wait … are we even using these terms correctly? We are? Groovy! Yeah, we just ruined it, didn’t we? (*sigh*)

 

Language is always evolving. But it seems like these days, it’s evolving faster than ever. Add internet, social media, memes, digital devices, texting, and you have a linguistic cocktail that is bound to leave any parent in the dust. And it’s not just teens. Even our elementary-age kids seem to be in the know about slang and “meme culture.” Meanwhile, we are left scratching our heads.

 

In a world where sexuality and violence have saturated--well--everything, of course they have found their way into our language and slang as well. And so we are left to wonder: Are our kids talking about sexual and/or violent things right under our noses in the code-language of slang and memes? The answer is yes. And no. Okay, the answer is: sometimes. 

 

In reality, we just need to do our best to bridge the gap and create open communication--as always! After all, they are doing their best to figure everything out in this crazy world, just like we are. We love this quote from Netsanity:

 

“By learning our way around the tricky language of our teens we allow ourselves to not only build a stronger bond with them but also know when they’re in potential danger.” (emphasis added)

 

So let’s break it down. Today we will be discussing how ...

 

1. We’re not kids anymore (*sniffle*)
2. Some slang can hurt--or indicate distress
3. You can decode kid lingo: Use these tools! 

 

1. WE’RE NOT KIDS ANYMORE, WE’RE GETTING OLD 

-Can we even keep up? Slang is ever-evolving. 

-We’ve got so many stories about being on the outside of the conversation, we really don’t know where to start! LOL

-Marilyn has a thread going with her kids on facebook messenger, and they know that her default response to their memes is a crying emoji -- “That means I’m clueless,” she says.

-Why do kids use slang and codes? (1) to be sneaky, (2) to create their own identity or fit into social groups, (3) to express their independence. 

-Kids use codes to communicate with each other: text, slang, emojis.

-Recently there has been a shift to more visual forms of communication between kids like memes and gifs (not so text heavy).

-”Meme culture” is now a thing. Kids speak in memes. They tell us, “You don’t even have to see it to know what they’re talking about.” (i.e., You’ve been “Rick Rolled.” Google definition: On the Internet, a RickRoll is a prank where a visitor who clicks on a specific link is intentionally misdirected to a video of pop star Rick Astley's hit "Never Gonna Give You Up.")

 

1. SOME SLANG CAN HURT--OR INDICATE DISTRESS

-The old adage, “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” just isn’t true! 

-Words can hurt feelings and put our kids at risk. 

-We need to watch out for our kids and their friends using reckless language and be aware about when slang perpetuates sexual objectification. (See list below and tools in section 3.) 

-Teach kids to think about the language they use and memes they share.

-Teach kids to avoid brutal/racist/derogatory slang, and teach them the reasons WHY. 

 

Related: Survival Instincts: The New Language of Tween Girls (ParentsAware)

 

-Some kids are purposely modifying words or using language that evades filters so they can discuss violent or sexual topics online (like hooking up or suicide).   

-We need to teach our kids to be critical thinkers.

-Here are some specific categories we need to watch out for when it comes to slang and language/conversation in general:

1. Racism. Sometimes kids use racial slurs as a term of endearment, or tease each other with reference to race. Teach them this is not okay. 
   1. “wordporn” - beautiful handwriting (or anything-”porn” to describe things that are highly desirable or beautiful)
   2. TV shows with titles like  “Pawn Stars” (which is about a pawn shop) or “Chasing Tail” (which is about deer hunting) that have nothing to do with sexual content but are using sex in the title to get people’s attention. 
   3. “pimped out” - added accessories to make it look cooler (i.e., he “pimped out” his ride with a new paint job, big speakers and chrome wheels)
   4. “ear-rape” - terrible music that you hate (or anything-”rape” for things that bother you or are unpleasant
2. Sex. We have heard so many trends that tie sexual content into the mainstream, and it is really disturbing. We need to keep the humanity in these terms and not allow ourselves (or our kids) to become desensitized to their real meaning. Here are some specific examples:  
3. Drugs. Sometimes mainstream terms have their roots in drug culture, but no longer reflect that reference. These terms might not always be directly dangerous, but we need to be alert and teach our kids to think critically about why they are using these words. (i.e. Kids use the word “dank” to mean “cool,” or we might say “my brain is fried” because we are worn out, but both of these are actually references to marijuana.) 
   1.  “Deathpacito” - a pop culture reference to the song “Despacito” which is the Spanish word for “slowly”; essentially “deathpacito” is slang for “killing yourself slowly” and is often used by kids on public forums and through text because it is not a real word, and therefore not flagged by filters and parental controls 
   2. “Ana” and “Thinsp” - references to anorexia and eating disorders
   3. “Sue” - suicide
4. Self-harm. Kids might be texting or posting with reference to suicide as a cry for help. Or, even worse, some kids receive cyberbullying attacks where peers encourage them to kill themselves. Here are some terms to watch out for that are all references to suicide and self-harm:
5. Dark humor. Kids will sometimes use insults or derogatory names in an effort to be funny or because they are “just teasing.” Also, kids can become a “different person online.” Teach them that these things are not okay. Talk about these subjects openly. Teach them that there is always a real person on the other side of the conversation and/or on the other side of the computer screen. Teach them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. 

 

III. YOU CAN DECODE KID LINGO: USE THESE TOOLS!

-Language will continue to grow and change, and before you know it, the things we are talking about right now will be outdated! Even this show is only one point in time. For that reason, we want to teach you about techniques and tools to deal with these issues, rather than only giving you long lists of slang words and what they mean. 

-Here are some specific suggestions:

1. Ask your kids. If you hear a word--or see a meme--and don’t know what it means, ask the experts: your children! Kids like to feel important--like we’re interested in their life, and they LOVE IT when they know things we don’t. Remember, we always want to create a safe place, like a Construction Site, where we can talk to our kids about anything! And that includes crazy kid lingo. :)
2. Start a family group text. Create a thread wherever your family hangs out: on a text message, in a facebook chat, etc. Communicate regularly. Share funny stuff and serious stuff. Take selfies. LOL together. Share memes and gifs. Use it for “show and tell.” 
3. Follow “Ye Olde Speak.” Bark has a hilarious series on their blog and social media where they post about teen slang and define different words on a regular basis. It will keep you laughing and get you in the loop at the same time! 
4. Post a question in the Parenting in a Tech World facebook group. This private forum, also hosted by Bark, is a fabulous place to ask all your questions about raising the digital generation. We are in this group, along with more than 50 thousand other parents and members of the staff from Bark. Usually, when we post questions, people start replying within just a few minutes! Let’s all figure out this stuff together.

 

(Related: Want to protect your kids on social media? Try a 30-day FREE trial of the Bark app!)

 

1. Do a Google search. If you are curious about a specific slang word, you can always Google it. Or, if you want a list of slang terms, we have found some of the most effective search terms to be: “slang dictionary for parents” or “teenage slang words 2019” (insert the current year). 
2. Check out our link list. Want results right now? Explore some of the links below. 

 

Challenge: Learn a new slang term, and use it in a sentence when you’re talking to your kids. Then let us know how it goes! Email us at [email protected] or share on social media. Come find Media Savvy Moms on facebook or Instagram.

 

Links/Resources:

Urban Dictionary - a crowdsourced online dictionary for slang words and phrases (warning: some definitions might be vulgar and/or contain profanity)

Teen Slang Guide - Netsanity (updated for 2019)

The Teen Slang Dictionary for Parents - Very Well Family (updated Oct 2019)

17 slang words teens are using in 2019, and what they mean - Business Insider (Aug 2019)

Get hip to all the slang words and phrases your kids are using and what they mean, okurrr - USA Today (Feb 2019)

Parent Guide: Teen Slang Through the Ages - Bark (Jan 2019)

'It's lit': The ultimate guide to decoding your teen's text and speak - USA Today (Aug 2018)

Parents, Do You Know the Most Common Emojis Used in Sexting? - Educate and Empower Kids

Translating Slang for Parents (+ Text Codes) - Educate and Empower Kids

Parent Dictionary: Porn-Specific Search Engine Terms - Educate and Empower Kids

Does your family love to give and receive tech, devices, and media over the holidays? Are these things SAFE? What do you need to to consider before shopping? Tune in and find out!

 

Want to feel more educated when you’re shopping for tech? Not sure what’s safe for your kids--or how to make it safe? We know the feeling. We’re moms too. It seems like we’ve just gotten all our screens and devices figured out and protected … and then the holidays come around. Time to add more to the pile! And more to figure out! Ahhh! 

 

That’s why we invited expert Sarah Siegand, co-founder of Parents Who Fight, to the show! So let’s chat. Get some tips. When those kiddos rip open their presents and pull out their new games and devices, we want you to feel confident that you’ve done your homework and everything is under control. This episode is a great place to start!

 

Sarah Siegand is a mom of two boys living in Nashville, TN. In 2015, she and her husband Jesse launched a grass-roots campaign in their community called Parents Who Fight, which holds education workshops at schools, churches, and community groups to help parents learn how they can better protect kids online. They also do in-home consultations helping families install filters and controls on all their devices.

 

Highlights from this episode:

-If you are considering buying your children tech, first research if the device is compatible with your family’s tech safety goals. (Caution: “on sale” can also mean out-of-date and possibly not supported by your monitoring software, like Bark or Mobicip.) 

-Ask questions. Talk to real parents. Use parent groups on facebook to get answers, like the Parenting in a Tech World group we referenced in our interview with Titania Jordan from Bark.

-Take the tech out of the packaging. Set up your controls before you wrap it up as a gift. 

-Be clear about your expectations (boundaries) in regards to tech over the holidays. Be mindful of unsupervised time and visits to extended family of different tech rules. 

-”Instead of focusing so much on what kind of device to buy your child this holiday season, ask yourself if you’re ready to teach your kid how to use it well and to monitor the device regularly.” —Chris Mckenna, Protect Young Eyes

-Protect your kids with the Bark app! It scans all their devices and social media accounts and warns you about any dangerous content, just like a little guard dog on duty 24/7. Click here to sign up for a free 30-day trial (or go to the app store and use the code MEDIASAVVY at checkout). 

 

Challenge: 

Pick one device on your child’s wish list and research how to enable parental controls by Googling it or checking the step-by-step guide at Protect Young Eyes. 

 

Links/Resources:

A Parent’s Guide to Holiday Tech Purchases - article from Protect Young Eyes

 

Parental Controls for Every Digital Device - guide from Protect Young Eyes

 

Common Sense Media - website for parent reviews on video games and other media

 

Parenting a Tech World Facebook Group - facilitated by Bark

 

You Have Options: Alternatives for Cell Phones - article by Parents Who Fight

Do you believe you can change the world in just 10 minutes? This mom does! Find out how she is rocking her neck of the woods when it comes to legislative change and pornography. Want to get involved too? It might be easier than you think.

 

Melissa Blair is a mother of three, blogger, speaker, and activist. She is also founder of Campaign for a Porn-free Childhood, which advocates for Congress to initiate laws allowing parents and guardians the right to protect minors from pornography and indecent internet material. Melissa has actively pushed for changes in public policy in Texas and Arkansas, spent time on Capitol Hill, and visited personally with many of her local legislators and constituents. She is also the state director for Texas and National Projects Director for the National Decency Coalition.

 

The National Decency Coalition is an organization dedicated to making America aware of the dangers of pornography and the public health crisis surrounding the use of pornography. They work to pass state and federal resolutions and legislation which will help decrease easy access to pornography in all its forms. 

 

Highlights from this episode:

-At the root of public policy, this is about real people. It is about protecting our children.

-We need to share our stories. We can’t be closed and clinical. 

-Getting involved in the legislative process is easier than you think. Start local. Your representatives will be invested in what you are worried about because YOU are the voters, and they want to be re-elected.

-Gather your voices. Create a stir and the government will start to hear your concerns, and they will listen. 

-Be willing to get involved beyond public policy. Pornography is a 600 layered blanket--it’s not a 1 layered solution.

 

Challenge: 

3 THINGS YOU CAN DO IN 10 MINUTES TODAY:

1) Find out where your local government stands (For US, look up your state at nationaldecencycoalition.org)

2) Find your local policy makers (For US, Contact Your Elected Officials at usa.gov; For Canada, Find Your Members of Parliament at ourcommons.ca)

3) Send an email. Ask them what happens next. They will call—do not be intimidated. (See sample email that you can cut and paste below.) 

AND THEN AFTERWARD: Spread the word. Ask others to do the same. Make it easy. Include links and copy-and-paste content.

 

Links/Resources:

 

The Beginner’s Guide to Changing the World: 7 Tips on Creating Legislative Change (article)

 

Citizen's Handbook to Influencing Elected Officials: Citizen Advocacy in State Legislatures and Congress: A Guide for Citizen Lobbyists and Grassroots (book)

 

Talking Points About Pornography - National Center on Sexual Exploitation

 

Sample email:

Below is a message that you can copy and paste when you email your local officials. (Just edit the portions within the brackets to suit your needs.)   Dear [name of representative]:   I am writing to you as a concerned parent. We need your help protect our children from the crisis of pornography.   As of today, [your city/state/territory/province] is falling behind in this fight. Meanwhile pornography is fueling human trafficking, child sexual abuse, compulsive sexual behavior, sexual dysfunction, campus sexual assault, military sexual assault, prostitution and objectification at global epidemic levels.    Many other legislative bodies have taken aggressive action, recognizing pornography as a public health crisis, and taking measures to help. But what are we doing in [city/state/territory/province]?   Our reputation, responsibility and future is at stake here.  As a proud [Texan, American, Canadian], we are imploring legislators who have taken up honorable positions to uphold the integrity of their office by taking a stand to protect our most vulnerable.   [If your local government is considering a specific piece of legislation, such as the "Pornography: a Public Health Crisis" Resolution in Texas, then this would be a good place to include a plea to support it, and a description about what that legislation would include. For example:    We are asking you to help declare Texas as supporting the "Pornography: a Public Health Crisis" Resolution. The resolution recognizes many levels of pornography’s harmful effects on individuals and society and declares the need for education, research, prevention, and policy change. The 2018 edition calls upon state District Attorneys and the Department of Justice to enforce federal obscenity laws and Congress to address the crisis problem of children accessing pornography on the Internet.] We will be the first to fight for children in the digital age. Will you please stand with us and help protect America’s future?   Sincerely,

Could my daughter be struggling with pornography? Isn’t porn a ‘boy’ problem? If she is struggling, how do I talk to her about it? 

 

What kind of person comes to mind when you hear the term “porn addiction”? Man or woman? Boy or girl? Old or young? The truth is … any and ALL of these categories can be affected by pornography addiction. Society typically refers to porn as a “guy thing” or a “guy problem,” but this is a myth.

 

Over the years, we’ve been amazed (and frankly a little discouraged) by the number of people who still believe that porn is a “guy problem.” We’ve heard about households that have different rules for devices for their sons and daughters. And one parent actually approached Marilyn after a presentation and told her straight out that he didn’t believe it’s possible for girls to have a problem with pornography. 

 

As parents, we need to understand that our daughters are just as susceptible to the dangers of pornography as our sons. Girls can struggle too! And that does NOT make them abnormal. The best thing we can do for our girls is to provide them with a safe place to talk about pornography and addiction. If they need help, we need them to know that they have a space where they will be heard, loved, and understood, and NEVER shamed or dismissed because “porn is a guy problem.”   

 

It’s time to get real. Girls struggle with porn too. Let’s talk about it!

 

1. Remove the shame
2. Why do girls look?
3. How to talk to your daughter

 

I. REMOVE THE SHAME 

-The stereotype as a “guy problem” makes girls who struggle feel even worse: they might feel like “a freak” or “something is wrong with me” if they struggle with sexual addiction.

-“When I was eventually caught in college, the dean of students looked at me and said, ‘We know this wasn’t you. Women just don’t have this problem.’” (Jessica Harris)

-Statistics: 

According to a Barna study, one in five women ages 13 and older comes across porn weekly.  

According to Covenant Eyes, 60% of girls are exposed to pornography by the age of 18, 

18% of young adult women use porn at least once a week,

71% of teenagers hide their online activities from their parents. 

-Porn is designed to attract both men and women. We are human. We are sexual. We are wired to be drawn to pornography. 

-We don’t want to normalize porn, but we want our listeners to understand that females are not somehow immune from being attracted to porn simply because they are female.

-In fact, the industry is now targeting women:

“The porn industry has been going after men and children for decades. In recent years, they have been seeking women. The industry knows if they can infiltrate women, including mothers, there will be no more opposition to the business.” (Jessica Harris)

 

II. WHY DO GIRLS LOOK? 

-Sometimes girls have been abused; sometimes not.

-Some media is created specifically for girls to arouse sexual feelings, like erotica.

-One definition of pornography is anything depicted in pictures, video, writing, or any other media that is intended to inappropriately arouse sexual feelings. 

-Where is the line with media that arouses sexual feelings? Examples: Fifty Shades of Grey (erotica) and other “romance novels,” TV dramas and “soap operas” (novelas), sex scenes in movies, anime. 

-“The Fifty Shades of Grey book series and film franchise cultivates and normalizes rape myths, psychological grooming for abuse, and sexual violence. In the age of #MeToo, the messages of Fifty Shades are not only in poor taste, they are socially irresponsible.” (National Center on Sexual Exploitation)

-Differences between men and women means they’ll likely be attracted to porn for different reasons. 

-Women play the comparison game. We want connection.  

-Girls are looking for a way to define themselves -- this is especially dangerous with porn because the images are so unhealthy, skewed and unrealistic

 

III. HOW TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER 

-Some parents have different rules in the house (for screens and cell phones) for their sons and for their daughters--don’t fall into this trap!

-Here are some guidelines to help you talk to your girls:

1. Read personal stories from recovering women and parents who have also struggled with female addiction. Some examples we recommend are Jessica Harris, Crystal Renaud, and Lacy Bentley. See “Resources Especially for Girls” below for more information about their work and others.
2. Acknowledge the fact that girls struggle with this problem. Provide a Construction Site (a safe place in your home and family where you can talk about anything--including female addiction) and support your girls!
3. Be protective not accusatory when you’re talking to your daughter. Remember, we’re on the same team. Porn is the enemy--not each other!

-Don’t assume your daughter isn’t curious about sex. Access to information is everywhere!  

-“Parenting Mistake! 3 Words That Could Shame Your Daughter by Jessica Harris (Protect Young Minds) : “not my daughter” (Jessica Harris) 

-Here are some ideas to help you bring up pornography with your daughter in a non-threatening way:

• ”Guess what I heard … “ Put it in third person. Talk about another family (or even a news article) and how pornography came into the picture. Then ask what your daughter thinks about the topic.
• ”Tell me about it …” Treat your daughter like she is the expert. Our kids LOVE to feel like they know more than we do. Use that! Rather than lecturing, ask her what she knows about pornography. Then listen. 
• ”Something crazy happened to me the other day …“ Tell your daughter about how you bumped into porn by accident. (Parents: Hasn’t this ever happened to you? You think you’re clicking on something innocent and BAM! Pornography!) Then ask your daughter, “Has that ever happened to you?” 

 

Challenge: Check out one of the personal stories or articles on female addiction in the links below. 

 

Related Links & Articles:

“Raising Strong Girls in Today’s Porn-saturated Culture” (ParentsAware) 

 

“Porn addiction is not just a “boys’ problem” anymore” by Lacy Bentley (Educate and Empower Kids)

 

“When You Catch Your Daughter …” by Jessica Harris (Educate and Empower Kids)

 

“Parenting Mistake! 3 Words That Could Shame Your Daughter by Jessica Harris (Protect Young Minds)

“Dads Kill Porn” by Tim Rarick, PhD

 

Talking with Our Daughters about Masturbation by Dina Alexander (Educate and Empower Kids)

 

My Daughter, the Porn Addict: Four Tips to Help Your Child Through A Porn Addiction by Haley Hawks (Educate and Empower Kids) 

 

“How My 14-Year-Old Daughter’s Experience With Porn Brought Us Closer Than Ever” (Fight the New Drug)

Resources Especially for Girls:

 

Coaching Session with Lacy Bentley (Free 30-min session for our listeners)

SPECIAL OFFER: Do you have a daughter who is struggling with addiction? Or know a woman who may be suffering? Lacy Bentley,author, speaker and women’s recovery coach, is offering a free 30-minute coaching session exclusively for our listeners. Simply click on the link to sign up for your slot: https://calendly.com/lacybentley/savvy 

 

REAL Love Tribe on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/groups/reallovetribe/) 

An open forum for discussion about love after addiction, trauma, and those who are seeking to connect more deeply. Facilitated by Lacy Bentley, author, speaker and women’s recovery coach. 

 

Beggar’s Daughter (https://beggarsdaughter.com) 

Jessica Harris, porn addiction that started when she stumbled on porn at age 13. “When I was eventually caught in college, the dean of students looked at me and said, ‘We know this wasn’t you. Women just don’t have this problem.’” Dropped out of school, tried to become a porn star, has now devoted her life to telling her story, helping other women, and changing the conversation about female porn addiction. 

 

Dirty Girls Ministries (https://dgmcommunity.com/) 

Crystal Renaud, addicted to porn as a young girl, tells her story. DGM offers online recovery groups, online community, accountability, and a coaching/consulting network for churches and individual women.

 

Christian Women and Porn (http://www.christianwomenandporn.com/) 

Their book, “Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free From Pornography,” and a free download of their 30-page eBook, “The Misery of Porn and the Joy of Purity.”

 

The Grace Spot (https://thegracespot.com/) 

Free ebook “Restored” coming soon. Sign up on their website. The Grace Spot exists to educate all people on the reality of female pornography use and to break the stigma that only men struggle with this issue. Links to support groups (live and remote), filtering software articles and tips to help overcome female addiction.

 

With so many different levels of anime intertwined with our pop culture, where do we draw the line with our kids? How do we keep them safe? 

 

Pokemon. Digimon. Manga. Hentai. All of these things are considered “anime” … but what should we allow in our homes? Does “innocent” content lead our kids into darker places? How slippery is the slope? How do we have these conversations with our kids? Lacy Bentley is an expert on these issues, starting out as an anime-obsessed teen girl herself, and now working as a coach, mother, author, and activist who teaches parents how to keep their families safe! Join us as we tackle this tricky topic together and unravel many of the mysteries of anime.

 

Lacy Bentley is a women's recovery coach, international best selling author, and mom of 4 boys. She feels parents are the ultimate defense between kids and the harms of porn and Hentai. Lacy has a special offer you don’t want to miss! Check out the details below. 

 

For MSM Listeners: Free one-on-one coaching session with Lacy. Are you struggling with anime issues at your house? Not sure what to do? Lacy is offering a free 30-minute coaching session exclusively to our listeners. Simply click on the link to sign up for your slot: https://calendly.com/lacybentley/savvy 

 

Highlights from this episode:

-There is a difference between cartoons that have sexualized characters and anime that can turn quickly into pornographic content (Hentai). We need to teach our kids how to be alert and discerning when it comes to ANY sexualized content--in anime and everywhere! 

-When we notice sexualized content in cartoons (for instance, a sexy girl on Pokemon, or a boy’s eyes bugging out of his head when he sees a pretty girl) we can take the opportunity to talk to our kids. Take the time to teach kids the difference between healthy relationships and what they see in the media. 

-Try to lay down boundaries with your kids about what it is and is not ok without destroying the relationship.

-Let your kids be the teachers. They love to feel important! Ask them questions about things you don’t understand, and they will be more than happy to show you how smart they are. This is a great way to build your relationship, and you’ll also learn what you want to know. (Kids are way cooler than Google! Talk to them.) 

-Praise your kids when they do self-regulate. 

-Understand that anime is saturated in our culture and cannot reasonably be avoided altogether. Know the spectrum. 

-Some forms of anime, like manga (Japanese comics), actually have a rating system. Look on the cover for the rating, and know that “T” for teen and “OT” for older teen lean towards adult content. 

-Be aware: When our kids are allowed to cross age barriers in media--like anime--adult content and inappropriate behavior is likely to cross over into real life. 

-Here is a (very small!) list of some of the anime terms that have found their way into popular culture. For more terms and their definitions, follow the links at the bottom of our show notes.

1. Hentai - Anime porn (Japanese word for “pervert”)
2. Wifu/Husbando - Anime characters on pillows
3. Chibi - Small and cute
4. Senpai - A lover, usually older and often a mentor 
5. Yandere - A homicidal (crazed) lover
6. Tsundere - Someone who is originally mean, but ends up being sweet
7. Baka - Dummy. Idiot. Stupid. “Baka!”
8. Manga - Japanese comics
9. Yaoi/Yuri - Manga with homosexual love stories
10. Weeaboo - “Weeb” A non-Japanese person who is obsessed with Japan or Japanese things
11. Cosplay - “Costume play” Dressing up like anime characters
12. Loli - Young, innocent (usually female) characters 
13. Ecchi - playfully sexual, dirty humor (panty shots, nosebleeds, perverted situations)

 

Challenge: Create a “do-want” list for healthy sexuality as a family. (Instead of concentrating on the negative--what you don’t want--focus on what you “do want.”)

 

Links/Resources:

Five Things Kids Need Parents to Know About Anime (article)

Your Anime Vocabulary Starter Guide (article)

A Glossary Of Anime Terms You Really Have To Know To Be An Otaku (article)

What are the age ratings in manga?

What did you do when your child confided in you that they had seen porn? If you freaked out and lost it, then congratulations--you’re human! Here’s how to move forward after that initial parenting fail. 

 

We all want to be that perfect parent. The cool one. The one with a plan and a checklist. The one who hears bad news--like the fact that our child has seen pornography--and remains calm, then moves forward with a perfectly executed healthy conversation. But this is real life. And it doesn’t always turn out that way.

 

In reality, when we find pornography (or a child looking at pornography) in our home, feelings of shock, horror, anger, fear, sadness, betrayal are totally normal responses. So let’s not berate ourselves if we cried, yelled or mauled our child with the biggest protective bear hug in the heat of the moment.

 

Today we will be discussing 3 tips to help you move forward after the initial panic:

 

1. Pause and reflect
2. Mend the relationship
3. Hate the porn, love the child

 

1. PAUSE AND REFLECT 

-It’s ok to pull back, have space, and think for a minute. 

-Take your time--maybe even 24 hours--before addressing the subject. Just like Kristen Jenson said on a previous episode (A S.M.A.R.T. Plan for Parents), not everything has to be solved in the moment.

-It’s natural to want to cut off our children’s access to technology--wherever they accessed the pornography. But make sure you treat this is a short-term solution (non-punitive). In the long-term, we need to plan together for more lasting results. 

-Once you’ve discovered your child has a problem with porn, what’s your next step? Is it simply to prevent them from looking again? Or do you want them to understand why pornography is dangerous...

-Focus on moving forward. Dwelling on past mistakes is harmful.

-Ask yourself WHY it’s important not to look at porn (make your own list). For example, in our Bad Advice About Pornography episode, we gave these three reasons:

1. Porn is like a drug
2. Porn exploits human beings
3. Porn is an illusion

 

1. MEND THE RELATIONSHIP

-It’s ok to admit you made a mistake, apologize for panicking, go back and try again.

-You don’t have to be perfect.

-Your children will appreciate the fact that you are human and will learn that it is ok for them to be human too.

-There is so much mom guilt/parent guilt -- don’t give in!

-Give yourself a little credit -- just the fact that you’re listening to our show demonstrates that you care, and that is HUGE!

-Listen more, talk less (pause, don’t lecture).

-Talk for as long as your child is willing.

-Remain positive.

-Ask to follow up and revisit the conversation in a few days.

 

III. HATE THE PORN, LOVE THE CHILD 

-Remember that ‘love conquers all.’

-Take some advice from our friends at NextTalk - “Default to love.”

-With love, trust grows, and doors open.

-Be patient with yourself and your child.

-Understand that there will be setbacks. Especially with porn repeat offenses are common--this does not mean that you are failing!

-Discuss strategies together that can improve your child’s success.

-Remember that ultimately you can’t control your child’s actions--their desire to avoid porn has to come from within.

-Be prepared to stand by your child in recovery as long as it takes, whether it’s a few months or a few years.

 

Challenge: Share this episode on social media. You never know who needs to hear this message. 

 

Links/Resources:

I Panicked When My Child Confided in Me About Porn, Now What? (article)

 

Wondering how to start the sex talks with your kids? Join us as we chat with Dina Alexander, author of the 30 Days of Sex Talks book series, and founder of Educate and Empower Kids.

 

Dina Alexander, MS, is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids. She is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. Dina founded EEK after reading a simple article about teen porn consumption. As she tirelessly researched the unhealthy media, risky apps and other online dangers inundating our kids, she realized that she had to do everything in her power to warn and teach other parents. Besides raising her own children, it is her life’s work to help parents, teachers and community leaders raise strong, healthy kids who use technology for good in this new digital age.

 

Educate and Empower Kids (EEK) provides resources to parents and educators to encourage deep connection with their kids through media education, meaningful family communication and intentional parenting. We believe this must be done by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online pornography.

 

Highlights from this episode:

-Kids are at different ages and stages. We need to tailor the talk to their developmental needs. -Work on getting over initial awkwardness. Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. -Answer curious questions as quickly as you can. (We don’t want Google to answer for us!)

-Add your values to the conversation.

-Understand curiosity and establish yourself as the first, best source of information. We want our kids come to us for answers.

-Teach the difference between healthy sex and pornography.

 

Links/Resources:

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 3 to 7 (Book)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 8 to 11 (Book)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 12+ (Book)

Sexual Health: 4 Strategies for Easy Parent/Child Talks (Parents Aware Article)

Child On Child Harmful Sexual Behavior with Dawn Hawkins (Raising Today’s Kids Podcast)

Below is a handout from Educate and Empower Kids that outlines appropriate sex talk topics for different age groups. If you’d like the handout in .pdf format, shoot us an email at [email protected], SUBJECT: EEK Handout OR click on the link at the top of this post.

Tried to talk to your kids about sex? Epic fail? We feel your pain. A lot of our parents send in sex talk questions. The point of this show is to help us to remember to relax! Have a sense of humor! And don’t try so hard to be perfect! 

 

Tune in for some hilarious stories from parents--including US--failing miserably at the sex talk. In our head, it seems so straightforward. For instance, we’ll just show our kids a short video clip about the “miracle of life.” But afterward, by their horrified expressions you'd think we just showed them a preview of the Alien movie. Oops.

Have no fear. We have some pointers. 

 

Today we'll be discussing three basic guidelines for having successful sex talks with our kids:

 

1. Relax and remove shame
2. Just answer the question!
3. Have ongoing talks

 

In the end, if we’ve done these three things, then we’ve done a great job! The main focus of this episode is to take some time to laugh and to remind us not to be so hard on ourselves. 

 

I. RELAX AND REMOVE THE SHAME 

-Our body language says volumes 

-Practice saying sex/anatomy words so they feel comfortable and casual to help put your kids at ease (we talk more about this in Get Off the Fence)

-If you are uptight then your kids will be too

-Have a sense of humor

-Kids are innocent--they are genuinely curious, living in this new, amazing body and want to know all about it

-Help preserve the wonder kids have about their body

-If we are relaxed, it will encourage our kids to come back and ask more questions

-You don’t need to have awkward facts-of-life talks; instead have easygoing “oh by the way” conversations about intimacy with your kids

-Try having a question of the day if you need help getting the conversation started

-Even if you’re totally squirming in the inside, try to act calm and cool on the outside

-Why is all of this such a secret anyhow … ?

 

II. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!

-Don’t overcomplicate things

-If someone asks what time it is, do you tell them how to build a watch? 

-Use reflective listening; when your kids ask a question, ask them a question back

-There are age-appropriate resources; here are some great books from Educate and Empower Kids that we love:

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 3 to 7 (book)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 8 to 11 (book)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 12+ (book)

-Sometimes we jump to conclusions; instead, pause and think about the question through a child’s eyes 

-Don’t just fly off into a long lecture; instead ask your child more questions and have a back-and-forth discussion

-When children lead the conversation everything changes

-Ask your children what THEY think!

 

CALL FOR RESOURCES! Do you have some great books, video clips, or other tools that you use to help teach your kids about healthy sexuality? Please share! Click here to contact us or leave a comment below.

 

III. HAVE ONGOING TALKS 

-Talking about sex and pornography is not a “one and done” 

-You might notice that we touch on this theme (ongoing talks) a lot on our show: in our Construction Site episode we called it “Keep on Truckin’” and in our Rattlesnakes episode we emphasized the need to “Talk Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.” We are going to keep driving this home because it is so important to have ongoing talks with your kids!

-When kids learn about healthy sexuality from their parents it's an extra layer of protection against the multitude of confusing messages bombarding them in the media

-Use everyday moments to talk about sex

-In our interview with Kristen Jenson (My Child Saw Porn, Now What? A S.M.A.R.T. Plan for Parents), she challenged us to talk “shoulder to shoulder” while doing the dishes, chores, on a walk, etc. 

-Dina Alexander, founder of Educate and Empower Kids is coming on the show soon to talk about her books, 30 Days of Sex Talks! This is a great resource for talking to kids about sex!

-Be creative: Marilyn has 5 boys and decided to teach her boys about female hygiene with a little kit that included a tampon, a pad, a barrette, pantyhose, and other things boys might not be familiar with.

-If you don’t teach your kids about sex, then who will? Do you really want their friends--or the internet or porn--teaching them about sex?

-You’ve got this, parents! Take courage!

 

Challenge: Want advice on how to talk to your kids about sex? Send in your questions to our contact form or [email protected].

 

Links from this Episode:

You Mean it’s Not a BAH-Jina? (Article: Parents Aware)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 3 to 7 (book)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 8 to 11 (book)

30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 12+ (book)

In this episode we’ll be talking about kids trading nudes or “sexting” as the old people like to say! Why are kids participating in this risky behavior? And what can we do about it?

 

Recently we were chatting with a safety officer at a local middle school who relayed the following story (shared with permission):

 

“I was called to the office to deal with a couple because the school administrator had found nude photos of the girl on the guy’s phone. So I get to the office, and I know these kids, and I say: ‘What’s the deal guys? Are you having sex?’ And the girl goes off! She says, ‘Ew, no way! He has never seen me naked in person--just pictures! That way I can get a good angle and then I can touch it up and put on a filter!’”

 

There are many questions and side issues when it comes to trading nudes:

-Is it child porn? 

-Who can be incriminated? 

-Have you heard of “sexploitation”? This is basically blackmail with nudes. 

-What happens when adults get involved--like predators or adults posing as kids? 

However ... in this episode, we’re going to keep it simple and focus on KIDS sharing nudes with other KIDS.

 

In this context, “NUDES” are pictures of children sent to children (nude selfies). This is different than pre-made porn found on the internet. In today’s culture, kids don’t think of nudes as pornographic images. (How crazy is that!)

 

So … Why are kids trading nudes? And what can we do about it?

 

Today we will be discussing:

 

1. The Problem: Why Kids are Sharing Nudes
2. The Solution: Tips for Parents
3. Your Best Resource: Talk to the Experts--Your KIDS!

 

1. WHY KIDS ARE SHARING NUDES 

 

“Everyone is doing it”

-Kids’ perception in today’s world is that ‘everyone is doing it.” In reality, research shows that on average 1 in every 4 kids participate in this behavior.

-Titania Jordan from Bark told us that “Trading nudes is the new first base.” For today’s kids, it’s considered a normal, standard way of interacting with their peers.

-Since this behavior is so prevalent, and so many of our kids have access to digital devices, viewing nudes can also happen by accident. Just like kids can see bad words written on the bathroom walls at school, our kids might not go looking for these things, but they are exposed to them anyway. 

-Kids can be victims of circumstance--just doing their thing--and someone sends them an unsolicited nude picture.

 

Romantic pressure

-Romantic relationships can be a key motivator when it comes to trading nudes.

-Girls might have a desire to please or acquiesce or gain attention from a specific young man

“this boy wants me to send him 2 pics of me 1 in a bra and the other without a bra. I'm scared to do send them cause he might show people ...but I really like him.”

-There is a lot of pressure on our boys to ask for nudes when they are in a relationship because in today’s culture that is what they are “supposed” to do.

 

Social pressure

-Society tends to blame the girls when this happens.

-Trading nudes perpetuates the “boys will be boys” mentality.

-Boys are collecting and trading nudes “like baseball/hockey cards.”

-There are so many challenges for kids surrounding the decisions to send nude photos. Should they be flattered or offended? (Watch this video to hear teen girls talk about it!)

 

1. TIPS FOR PARENTS

-Be informed about what we mean by “trading nudes.”

-Don’t just get upset about the problem. Use the energy to motivate us to talk.

-Give your kids a safe place to talk about this in your “Construction Site.” (Create a safe place where your kids can talk to you about anything!) 

-Sometimes we slam on the brakes! Assume the best of your kids: If there are images on their phone and they tell you it was an accident or that someone sent it to them without their knowledge, believe them! These things happen. Be on the same team!

-Keep in mind your kids might be trading nudes … but don’t panic! 

-Don’t assume your kids aren’t feeling pressure to conform. Or they haven’t done so already.

• -Be sensitive: Your kids might be holding on to some guilt. 
• -Be a mentor: Help them navigate their feelings. Create a safe place they can come back to 
• -Be wise about timing when giving your child a camera-enabled device (and don’t be afraid to disable the camera!)

-Monitor the pics your kids are taking. If possible, share a cloud so you can see each other’s pics.

-If possible, screen your kids’ text messages--not in a creepy or sneaky way. Work together. Mentor. Be a team. Let them know you want to keep them safe.

 

Want an easy way to monitor your kids’ social media and text messages 24/7? Check out the Bark app! Click here for a free 30-day trial or use the promo code MEDIASAVVY at checkout. 

 

III. TALK TO THE EXPERTS--YOUR KIDS! 

-Give kids creative solutions to fight back against the culture of sharing nudes. For example, one group of girls banded together and agreed to send a photo of a raw chicken when they are asked for nudes. Another girl always sends a pic of herself in a T-rex costume when a guy solicits her for nudes.

-For young kids, give prescriptive solutions. But for older kids, let them problem-solve and come up with their own solutions.

-Make sure your children know they can always come to you and talk about these things.

-Role-play: Create a game plan for your kids if they encounter nudes. Ask them specific ques:

-What would you do if you see a nude photo on a friend’s phone?

-What would you do if a friend sends you a nude picture?

-What would you do if someone asks you to send a nude picture of yourself?

 

Challenge: Start an open dialogue with your kids in the car, at the dinner table, etc. Ask them, “What would you do if someone sent you a nude picture?” 

 

Links:

Teens talk about the pressure to share nude selfies (video)