Media Savvy Moms

One of our recurring topics on the podcast is 'my child has seen pornography’ or ‘my child is looking at pornography—what do I do now?’ Today—per the request of one of our listeners—we're tackling this topic from a faith-based perspective.

In the past we have recommended some great resources, like the S.M.A.R.T. Guide for Parents (from Protect Young Minds) to help us know what to do when our kids have seen porn. However, we recently received a request from a mom who also wanted to add some faith-based resources to her toolbox. We recognize how important it is for families to incorporate all their values into this conversation, and invite all our listeners to give us a heads up, like this mother did, so that we can tackle parenting and pornography from whatever perspective YOU need! 

In this episode we’re chatting with John Fort, who is a father, a specialist in addiction recovery, and also a man of faith.

John Fort, MST, is the Director of Training for Be Broken Ministries where he equips community leaders to assist families moving from sexual brokenness to wholeness. He oversees online training for Be Broken on Pure Life Academy and live training at the Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit, where he is a Co-Founder and Executive Team Member. John is a regular blogger on CovenantEyes.com and ProtectYoungMinds.org and is the author of the books; Honest Talk: A New Perspective on Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Father-Son Accountability: Integrity Through Relationship, and the Forbidden Scrolls fictional trilogy. John and his wife, Anna, live in Oregon and have two adult children.

Be Broken Ministries is a national non-profit ministry that serves anyone affected by sexual brokenness. The mission of Be Broken is to Encourage, Equip, and Expand the Christian Sexual Integrity Leadership Community. Be Broken serves people affected by pornography, or any other unwanted sexual struggle or stronghold.

Highlights from this episode:

-Build accountability with your children. 

-Relationships come first--before anything else. Love first. 

-We need to set consequences and boundaries that focus less on punishing and more on protecting our children.

-It’s important to recognize patterns of addiction in our children, as opposed to just accidental exposure or a bad habit.

-As we build strong relationships with our kids, we can help to meet their emotional needs, which goes a long way in the fight against pornography.  

-Kids are naturally curious about sex. Don’t be alarmed. Make a goal to talk about sex in a healthy way. Be your kids’ first, best source of information. (Want some tips? Check out the 30 Days of Sex Talks books from Educate and Empower Kids!)

-If your child is struggling with pornography, talk about their feelings first. Then get around to the actions and describing what actually happened. Remember … relationships come first.

Challenge: Download a feelings chart (easy to find online--just search for “feelings chart”) and talk about your emotions at the dinner table with your family.

Additional links/resources:

Restoring Hearts Counseling

Capstone Treatment Center

Love them or hate them, screens are here to stay. But when it comes to our kids, how much screen time is too much? How do we know? What do the experts say? Are all children the same?  

There’s no doubt. Screen time is a hot topic. While many schools are handing out free laptops, parents worry that kids are missing out on all the benefits of analog learning and outdoor play. Are we being over-protective? Or is there legitimate cause for concern? 

Realistically, the answer is both YES and NO. 

We need to stop thinking about screen time as “good” or “bad” and start thinking about our family time in terms of priorities. Remember the jar analogy? If we try to shove a bunch of big rocks, small stones and sand into a jar all at once, it won’t work. Instead, we need to identify the big rocks, put them in place first, and then fit the small stuff in around them. It’s the same way with our time. 

What are the “big rocks” in your family? Sleep? Exercise? Work? Together time? We need to ask ourselves: Is screen time taking up too much space and replacing some of these big rocks in our family jar? Or is screen time just part of the sand, filling up the cracks around our most important priorities? This is the key to establishing healthy screen time habits in our homes. 

Today we will be discussing:

1. The impact of screens on children and families

2. The links between screen time and pornography 

3. Screen time solutions we like 

I. SCREEN TIME AND THE FAMILY 

-We’re not against screens; we’re for smart screen use and pro-human connection

-American Academy of Pediatrics & World Health Org recommendations:

-Infants under 1 yr/18 mo): no screens

-Ages 2 to 5: max 1 hour of high-quality programming

-Ages 6+: consistent limits (shouldn’t replace sleep, physical activity and other healthy behaviors) 

-The upcoming generation, deemed the Glass Generation, is losing various skills because they are using screens rather than interacting in real life. Here are some examples:  

-Painting in real life vs. “painting” on a tablet: Screens actually do not develop fine motor, sensory, and interpersonal skills in the same way. 

-Playing dress-up in real life vs. digital avatars on a device: Digital dress-up is not the same as walking in heels, putting on clothes that are too big for you, talking with accents, and the pretend play the results from dressing like an imaginary character. 

-Talking vs. Texting: With text, we lose the subtleties of communication, like body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and vocal inflections.

-An embarrassing photo captured by Melody’s toddler reveals the reality of a child growing up in the digital age: Mom on her laptop, toddler taking pictures with the iPhone, and a messy room where a child is entertaining himself while mom is busy. We are not too big to admit this is our reality too! And we know it’s not this way all the time. But we need to be aware of it. Let’s be sure to unplug and enjoy our kids! 

-Sociological effect vs psychological effect — The Big Disconnect by Catherine Steiner Adair

-“… Nothing can match the power of our attention and our capacity to connect in affirming, loving, nourishing ways. Screens and tech cannot match it, but they can replace it—if we let it happen.” 

-Guidelines above focus on the formative years. Let’s consider what applies to tweens and teens. 

• During these years, it’s more subjective. Are your teens mastering technology or becoming a slave to their phones/screens?
• Sleep! This is a BIG DEAL for teens. Don’t let screens replace sleep! (More in solutions.) 

-“‘We’re in the wild, wild, west era of the world wide web.’ This generation will lead us through it, help us become more settled and civilized in it.”

II. SCREEN TIME AND PORNOGRAPHY

-Simple math: More time on screens = more chance of exposure to inappropriate content

-Too much time on screens sets us up for sex on screens

-Screens in the middle of the night = risky behavior (nudes)

-The Cardboard Butterfly Study: Porn is created to be more tantalizing and addictive than real people. The problem is, we can’t create real connections and healthy bonds with pixels and computers.

-Pornography has to be part of the conversation from Day 1. Get Off the Fence, and talk to your kids! 

-What are we NOT doing/learning if we’re absorbed in our screens:

• Human Interaction, body language, listening skills. These skills are essential to thrive and should be mastered in adolescence. 
• Communication via screens can make this task more challenging.  
• Relationships are happening online … Do love and trust truly exist online? 

III. SCREEN TIME SOLUTIONS 

Replace Unhealthy Habits

-Are you and your kids using tech like a big kid/adult pacifier? Is a screen your first choice to help you unwind when you’re stressed, to soothe you when you are angry or frustrated, or to entertain you when you’re bored? 

-Try to be purposeful about your screen time. Use it as a tool, rather than a coping mechanism. Don’t become a slave to your screens. Try to utilize them for practical needs--not psychological ones. 

-Identify patterns in your day where you turn to screens to fill a psychological need and try to replace those habits with healthier ones. For instance, if you usually go straight to your phone or TV to unwind after work or school, breaking that habit. Postpone your need for a screen for 20 minutes or so. Have a snack, read a book, take a walk, or talk to a family member about your day. Take control of your schedule. Don’t let your cravings for your tech take control of you!

-Try to create some times or spaces in your home where devices are off limits. (Have you seen this PSA from #DeviceFreeDinner starring Will Ferrell?)

-Get the screens out of the bedroom: video games, phones (This is not an attack on them or a punishment-- it’s protection)

Put People First

-Remember to put your priorities in order, and put people first: “People, Passions, Purpose”

-This is not just a kid issue. 

-When your kids get home, acknowledge them, try to make eye contact or shout hello

Create a Screen Time Plan with Your Family

-Have a family meeting to set boundaries regarding screen time. Meet with your family regularly to keep your guidelines up to date, and to follow up with each other. (This might be monthly or quarterly for some families, or every six months for others--whatever works for you!) 

-Write down your goals and guidelines. Do an online search and you will find several templates to create a plan or contract. (See link list below.)

-Here are some tips to consider as you meet together to create your family plan:

-Don’t just focus on rules and regulations. This is not a smack down--it’s a team effort. Focus on the positive, and have fun together!

-In Melody’s family, they begin the process by listing fun things they like to do as a family--both on and off screens

-INVOLVE THE KIDS! We can’t stress this enough! 

Challenge: Identify one unhealthy pattern in your family regarding screen time and replace it with a healthy one.

Links from this Episode:

Family Media Plan (American Academy of Pediatrics)

Family Media Standard (Fight the New Drug)

Petra’s Power to See by Educate and Empower Kids (book - Family Media Plan included)

GKIS Connected Family Screen Agreement (Get Kids Internet Safe)

Family Technology Plan (Better Screen Time) 

Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe by Dr. Tracy Bennett (book)

The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age

 by Catherine Steiner Adair (book)

Divorced or not … are your kids digitally safe when they’re away from you? Today we’ll explore this question and share some tips from special guest and clinical psychologist Dr. Tracy Bennett. 

Dr. Tracy Bennett is a clinical psychologist, CEO and Founder of Get Kids Internet Safe, and author of Screen Time in the Mean Time: A Parenting Guide to Get Kids and Teens Internet Safe. Throughout more than 25 years of clinical practice, she has guided thousands of families through digital injuries. Dr. Bennett also serves as adjunct faculty at California State University Channel Islands (CSUCI), where she teaches addiction studies, parenting, clinical psychology, and directed studies with an emphasis on screen issues. Dr. Bennett currently serves on the Youth Advisory Committee for Facebook and was the honored recipient of Global Ambassador in 2017 for Teensafe.

Get Kids Internet Safe helps families achieve screen sanity, prevent digital injury, and form deeper, more meaningful relationships. GKIS offers tools and strategies that keep the joys of childhood discovery alive for all of us in today’s overtasked world.

Visit Get Kids Internet Safe for your FREE copy of the Connected Family Safety Agreement.

Links from this episode:

Screen Safety Tool Kit (Get Kids Internet Safe) 

Live 360 (App)  A tracker that helps you keep tabs on the location of your kids.

Shared Custody Offers Opportunity for Screen Risk - Dr. Tracy Bennett (Article)

When it comes to parenting, people are full of advice--both good and bad. But what do you say when someone gives you bad parenting advice regarding pornography? Today we’re going to give you some talking points to handle those sometimes awkward situations! 

We recently had a mind-boggling experience in an online parenting group. A mother was seeking advice regarding her 12-year-old who was using online pornography. In response, several other parents recommended that she give him porn magazines to help him fight the urge to look at online porn. Wait … what? (Related: Parenting, Porn and Not-So-Common Sense) 

We realize bad parenting advice is not a new phenomenon. (Melody’s pediatrician actually recommended rubbing bourbon on her son’s gums when he was teething!) And people have their own ideas about a variety of parenting issues--from pacifiers to sleeping arrangements to curfews. But when it comes to pornography, bad advice can be very, very harmful to our children.

If someone is giving you bad advice--for example, recommending that you show your child pornography--and telling you that it has great benefits, you might feel like we did in this situation: “This makes no sense!” But do you know how to articulate that? Here are some talking points to help you express yourself in those tricky situations:

1. Porn is like a drug
2. Porn exploits human beings
3. Porn is an illusion 

I. PORN IS LIKE A DRUG

-When you are talking to other parents about pornography, you might want to focus on brain science.

-Did you know that pornography has the same effect on the brain as hard drugs like heroine and cocaine?

-Check out Pornography addiction: A Neuroscience perspective by Dr. Donald Hilton to learn more.

-Learn about How Porn Changes the Brain at Fight the New Drug, an organization dedicated to educating teens and young adults on the dangers of pornography.

-Porn is especially dangerous for kids because their brains are still developing, and they don’t have a fully functioning prefrontal cortex, the neural center for impulse control, problem solving, and executive functioning. Current research says this area of the brain is not fully developed until age 32! (The Dana Foundation, 2017)

-The book Brainstorm by Dr. Siegel talks about how children are gathering and absorbing information adolescents are sorting information.

-Our children’s brains are a like a garden that isn’t specialized yet, which makes them so much more vulnerable to weeds--like pornography!

Wondering how to talk about healthy intimacy with your kids? Check out the books, 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 3 to 7; 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 8 to 11; and 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+ from Educate and Empower Kids. 

II. PORN EXPLOITS HUMAN BEINGS

-We need to be willing to draw a line in the sand.

-When we take a stance against porn, we’re taking a moral stance against the exploitation of human beings

-It is fundamentally wrong to commodify and sell other people. This is what pornography is. And it's not fair to our kids if we don't help them make that connection.

-In the 1950’s Alfred Kinsey set out to educate the United States about sex, and Hugh Heffner volunteered to be his “leafleteer.” Judith Reisman’s work on Kinsey and Heffner should put some perspective on our popular culture attitudes regarding sexualization, objectification, and pornography.

-A few years ago, we heard Ed Smart testify on Capitol Hill about his daughter’s kidnapping. Elizabeth Smart made a direct connection between her abductor using pornography and grooming her for rape, and talked about how the encounters were worse and more violent after he had viewed pornography.

-We also came upon a study in which people were given quotes about women from convicted rapists and from men’s magazines. Then they asked the test subjects to label which came from which. Most could not distinguish the source.

-Dr. Mary Ann Layden’s work points out that the degrading effects of pornography lead us to a place that “we even stop seeing each other as human.” 

“There’s an interesting series of studies that actually highlights a bit of the phenomena of how this works. They were showing people just mildly sexualized pictures. They were men and women in swimsuits, men and women in their underwear, sort of relatively mild sexualized pictures and they showed them either upside right or upside down and looked at the processing in the brain, because it will display a phenomena of which part of your brain you’re using to process that picture that you see.

What we see with men, when people look at men, and look at them in their swimsuits or in their underwear, they’re using the part of their brain that processes humans and human faces but when we look at women in their swimsuits and their underwear we use the part of our brain that processes tools and objects and when you process a woman as a tool or an object you use. The rules that we use when we deal with tools or objects is if it’s not doing its job then throw it away, get another one.

So the feminists years ago said these men are treating women as sex objects and we thought that was a metaphor. It wasn’t a metaphor. It was an actual statement of reality, that they’re using the part of their brain which they use to process objects and things and there’s a consequence in the society when you start treating sex as a product and women as a thing.” (Mary Ann Layden in “Feminism’s self-defeating about-face on porn”) 

Want more tips? Check out the book How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography from Educate and Empower Kids. 

III. PORN IS AN ILLUSION

-Pornography teaches kids to have unrealistic ideas about sex.

-In our “Smooch Around Your Kids” episode we talked about Dr. John Foubert’s research, in which he calls pornography the “perfect recipe for rape”

-Pornography teaches our kids to believe lies like “pain is pleasure”

-Pornography focuses on physical appearance, risky behavior, and exaggerated aspects of sex

-Have you ever been to the circus and seen performers doing amazing things, like folding in half, or hanging by their hair--and doing it all with a smile? It’s not because they’re not in pain. It’s because they have trained themselves to smile in spite of the pain--to put on the makeup and the glittering clothes and the loud music and give a good show to distract you from the fact that they are in agony. It is an illusion. Pornography is based on the same concepts used in the circus.

-Unfortunately our kids are learning these lies too well. Recently a juvenile was arrested for strangling his girlfriend while making out in a parked car. As it turns out, they had started kissing, and then he strangled her because he had seen it done in porn and thought that’s what she would want. In reality, he almost killed her, and ended up terrified and called 9-1-1 for help.

-Melody has worked with betrayed wives for years. One woman who was sexually abused by her husband said that he used to act out things he had seen in pornography and then tell her, “but the girls in the porn liked it.” He could not process the fact that these girls were acting. It was fake. It is abuse. It does not feel good in real life.

-We need to teach our children the truth. We need to “pull back the curtain of the magic show” and teach them the reality behind the illusions:

-When we abuse people, it hurts!

-Real people don’t look like that (enhanced, airbrushed, etc.)

-Porn is not healthy sex, and healthy sex is not porn--these are two very different things

-Article: Teaching Kids to Interpret Media Illusions 

Challenge: Pick one talking point from this episode and share it on social media: 1) Porn is like a drug; 2) Porn exploits human beings; 2) Porn is an illusion. Educate another parent about why porn harms kids!  

How can we “expose porn as the enemy” to our children? What unique qualities and strengths do fathers bring to these conversations?  

Today we are interviewing one of our most favorite dads in the movement to end exploitation: Forest Benedict. We loved chatting with Forest for so many reasons. He is not afraid to get REAL. He is passionate about protecting kids from pornography. He is also a licensed therapist. Join us as we glean bits of wisdom he has gathered through the years as a father, author, clinician, and also through his own recovery from sexual addiction.

Several years ago we came upon a beautiful gem written by Forest especially for parents: “A Father’s Letter to Porn.” Originally the letter was a blog post, and now it a chapter in his book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Read Melody’s book review here.

“A Father’s Letter to Porn” is a battle-cry to parents in the fight against the plague of pornography. We thank Forest and fathers everywhere for protecting their children from porn!

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, is the author of the highly-acclaimed book Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Forest uses online therapy to guide sexually addicted individuals and couples through recovery, serving all of California. He is a husband and father who is in recovery. To learn about Forest’s recovery story, click here.

Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery (book). Recovery from sexual addiction is difficult, possible, and worth the effort. Forest knows. He’s been there. Once shackled by shame and secrecy, sex addiction therapist Forest Benedict writes candidly about his personal recovery journey, sharing many science-based strategies for successful recovery.

Related Links:

Watch the video adaptation of “A Father’s Letter to Porn” here. But be sure to grab a tissue, and prepare to be moved!

Dads Kill Porn (article)

We talk about protecting our children from pornography ... but if they've seen it, have we failed? What should we do AFTER our kids are exposed to porn?

Our world is saturated with inappropriate images, and chances are that as hard as we try, our kids are likely to be exposed. You are not a failure! But what do you do now? We can help with that.

Kristen Jenson joins us on today's show to talk about her S.M.A.R.T. plan, which she developed just for this purpose. It includes 5 steps to help parents after their kids have been exposed to pornography.

S - Stay calm. It’s critical to deal with your own emotions first!

M - Make a plan. Don’t confront your child until you’ve figured out a game plan.

A - Assist your kids to sort out their feelings: Porn is confusing to kids and parents can help kids figure out their feelings and triggers.

R - Regularly check in with your kids: How to keep the conversation going!

T - Train your family: Porn can hurt the entire family, and everyone needs to be involved in the family’s defense plan.

Click here to visit Protect Young Minds and download a free copy of the S.M.A.R.T. Plan.

Kristen Jenson is the founder of Protect Young Minds and best-selling author of Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today's Young Kids (for ages 8-11) and Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr.: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds (for ages 3 to 7). She serves on the Prevention Task force of the National Center on Sexual Exploitation. Kristen holds a bachelor's degree in English Literature and a master's in Organizational Communication. She is the mother of three beautiful children and currently lives with her husband in beautiful Washington state.

Links from this episode:

When Should Kids Have Cell Phones? (Protect Young Minds)

American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers (book)

We are mama bears! Hear us roar! Today we’ll be talking about some inspiring moms in the fight against porn and sexual exploitation. Listen up mamas. YOU are the first line of defense. You have the power!

Marilyn recently created an Instagram post on ParentsAware that inspired us to do this show. The core message was: STAND UP for WHAT you BELIEVE. She actually created this post after another parent challenged her for sharing her values and beliefs with her children. Below is an excerpt. Read the full post here.  

“… Children thrive when they have a clear vision of their parent’s values and beliefs—on all sorts of issues. It helps them grow in confidence and self-esteem.💪

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Then when it comes time to make their own way in the world👨‍🎓👩‍🎓 they have a solid framework from which to base their decisions—no matter what path they choose.

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The benefit of expressing core values and beliefs has been clearly documented🔎📘in child development theories for decades … ”

Mothers through time have led the way--instilling core values into their children and helping to protect them from dangers throughout the ages. We have the power to continue that legacy and to protect our children from pornography! 

We feel very strongly about sharing our values with our kids. As Marilyn put it…

• I see my part of my duty as a mother IS to share my values and beliefs with my children
• It’s up to me to give them a foundation from which grow and thrive
• It’s up to them to move forward and make their own life decisions as they approach adulthood.

In today’s episode we are discussing several inspiring women in the fight against porn and exploitation:

1. The collective impact of mothers on the world
2. Lessons we learned from our own “media savvy moms”
3. What it really takes to fight sexual exploitation as moms 

I. THE IMPACT OF MOTHERS

Mother Teresa is the picture of kindness, love, and charity—These are the antidotes to porn and exploitation. Here are a few quotes from this amazing woman: 

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa

“Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world.”– Mother Teresa

Another mother making on an impact on a global scale is Carolina Allen founder of Big Ocean Women, an organization that stands for Faith, Family and Motherhood. Melody had the opportunity to join these amazing women at the United Nations for the Commission on the State of Women. It was a pivotal experience in her work with the movement to end sexual exploitation.

II. OUR OWN MEDIA SAVVY MOMS--LAYING THE FOUNDATION FOR OUR WORK

Marilyn’s mom refused to accept that porn magazines--including Playboy--we’re being sold next to bubble gum machines (at eye level to children!)   

Her mother’s example taught her:

• Not to accept the status quo
• One voice can make a difference
• Our children need us to stand up for them.

Melody’s mom escaped communism in Cuba as a young girl. She knows the price of freedom and doesn’t take the ability to educate her children for granted. 

Her mother’s example taught her:

• To be fearless,
• To be shameless,
• It’s important for families to be open about everything!

Her courage and openness are some of the driving forces behind Melody’s work to educate parents and communities on the harms of pornography.

III. WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO FIGHT PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUAL EXPLOITATION? 

Now it’s our turn! Our generation of mothers has the power to stand firm in the face of pornography and exploitation.

It takes STANDING UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE and communicating that to your children

Judith Reisman (a pioneer in our field fighting pornography) said, in order to fix huge global problems like porn and trafficking, we don’t need a P-h-D; we need a D-A-D and an M-O-M: 

“I always said that the M.O.M. and the D.A.D. are the most important credentials. The minute you introduce PhDs and BA’s and Master’s degrees—that is when we start involving other people who have all been trained to believe a different way. And as a result, they are going to push their own agendas. Because they are ‘smart.’ They have the degree! They think, ‘You’re just a mom,’ or ‘You’re just a dad … What do you know?’ And I believe they know in their deepest soul that they’re wrong.” (from “An Interview with Judith Reisman”) 

Think about the foundational principles we keep coming back to in all our shows. These are the tools we need to fight porn and exploitation. As we apply these principles one day at a time we can definitely make an impact on the big impact on the picture. After all "the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world!" So ...

1. Get off the fence - Start talking to your kids about pornography today!
2. Beware of the rattlesnakes - Are your kids on digital devices? Warn them about what they could encounter and how to respond to stay safe.
3. Give your kids a construction site - Create a safe place where your kids can talk to you about anything under the sun.

Check out Fortify, a program specifically designed to help teens and adults reach long-lasting freedom from pornography addiction. (Free for teens!) 

This digital world is definitely intimidating, overwhelming, and isolating, but REMEMBER:

• You are NOT alone.
• You are doing better than you think.
• If you are listening to this podcast, then you CARE, and that is half the battle!
• Be patient with yourself, and remember to take this one step/one day at a time
• We are here to help along the way!
• Thank you for all you do!

Challenge: This week, find a mother and tell her what a good job she is doing. We need each other. Go team!

Overwhelmed with the idea of combing through every single text and app and email on your kids' devices to make sure they are staying safe? We have a tool to help.

The Bark app monitors text messaging, YouTube, email, social media platforms and apps and then sends automatic alerts to signs of cyberbullying, depression, online predators, adult content, and more. But what we love most about Bark is that they encourage a collaborative approach--parents and kids working together as a team!

Join us as we chat with Titania Jordan, Chief Marketing Officer of Bark.us, about this super cool tool to help keep families safe. She is so fabulous! Also, she is a mom, just like us. It was so fun to hear her story and learn how she got started in this business keeping families safe and teaching parents how to navigate the ever-changing digital terrain. 

**Special Offer for Our Listeners**

TRY THE BARK APP FREE FOR 30 DAYS

with our affiliate link: http://bit.ly/Bark-30-days-free-MEDIASAVVY

OR grab Bark off the website, Apple Store, or Google Play, and apply this code at checkout: MEDIASAVVY 

HOW THE BARK APP WORKS:

1) Monitor. Connect to 24 platforms to monitor text messages, emails, and social activity for signs of harmful interactions and content. Click here for an overview of what Bark monitors.

2) Detect. Get automatic alerts via email and text when Bark’s algorithms detect potential risks, so you don’t have to comb through every post and text.

3) Alert. Bark's expert recommendations make it easy for parents to talk to kids about digital dangers and other sensitive online issues.

About Titania Jordan: Titania Jordan is the CMO and Chief Parent Officer of Bark.us, an internet safety solution that helps parents and schools keep children safer across social media, text messaging, and email. As the current host of CONNECT with Titania Jordan, and former host of NBC Atlanta affiliate WXIA’s weekly television show Atlanta Tech Edge, Titania has the honor of covering the latest in tech news and talent across both the city and the globe.

Resources/Links Referenced in this Episode:

Parenting in a Tech World (Private Facebook Group brought to you by Bark--but you don't have to purchase/own the Bark app to participate!) Join more than 26,000 members--including Melody & Marilyn--in this virtual support group, which helps parents navigate the ever-changing landscape of raising kids in the digital age. 

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, by Sheryl Sandberg (book). Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In is a massive cultural phenomenon and its title has become an instant catchphrase for empowering women. The book soared to the top of bestseller lists internationally, igniting global conversations about women and ambition. 

"Mom and Dad are kissing?! Ew, gross!" Learn how modeling healthy relationships can actually help protect your kids from pornography.

The other day I was kissing my husband and my son came around the corner and said “Ewwww! Mom! That’s gross!” and hid his face. But it’s actually a good thing for our kids to see us being affectionate! Our kids might throw a fuss. But they also do that when we ask them to eat their vegetables!

Today we’ll be be talking about the contrast between healthy relationships and pornography--and teaching our kids to recognize the difference.

Three reasons to model healthy relationships in our home are:

1. Helping our kids to develop a healthier sense of their own sexuality
2. Helping kids reject pornography, and
3. Teaching kids about the complexity of relationships

I. “SMOOCHING” TEACHES KIDS ABOUT HEALTHY SEXUALITY

-The saying ”Do as I say, not as I do” is a farce! Kids learn by example.

-Laura Brotherson, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist, says: ”While kids may sometimes act “grossed out” by the love and affection you have for each other it actually creates a safe and secure environment for your children to know that their [parents] love each other… Children also develop a healthier sense of their own sexuality when they see love and appropriate affection displayed in the home.”

(On her website, StrengtheningMarriage.com, they actually  had a “Gross Out Your Kids” Photo Contest. Pretty cute!)

-It’s also more than just embarrassing your kids. Love (and sex) in their healthy pure form are about safety, security, bonding with another human being that you know will always be there.

-Try to stay engaged with your kids on this topic in their sphere too. Be interested in their relationships and the relationships their friends are having at school. Know what’s going on.

[Wondering how to talk about healthy intimacy with your kids? Check out the books, 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 3 to 7; 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 8 to 11; and 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+ from Educate and Empower Kids.*]

II. “SMOOCHING” TEACHES KIDS TO REJECT PORNOGRAPHY

-If we don’t give our kids sex ed, they are going to get it elsewhere--everywhere!

-Porn focuses on physical appearance, risky behaviour and exaggerated aspects of sex. All the ingredients one might look for in a healthy relationship are purposely left out of the script. Love, intimacy, kindness, etc. are replaced with violence and aggression.

-According to Dr. John Foubert, porn contains the perfect recipe for rape. He’s not suggesting that everyone who views porn will commit rape. But he is concerned that easy access to pornography is teaching young people that sex and violence go together.

-If our kids’ only exposure to relationships (affection) is pornography, they will only have one model to relate to and one example to follow. One horrific example was a juvenile recently arrested for strangling girlfriend in car--exposure to porn had taught him that’s what she wanted.

-It’s ok to tell our kids we have sex. Dr. Jill Manning, a psychologist, says “Teaching healthy sexual intimacy and relationships in the home is one of the most important value-based areas of teaching in today’s world.”

-Healthy relationships = respect (love, connection, protecting each other)

Pornography = disrespect (lust, objectification, exploitation, abuse)

-Teach your kids the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships so that when they encounter the opposite (confusing and titillating as it may be) they will know the difference.

III. “SMOOCHING” TEACHES KIDS ABOUT THE COMPLEXITY OF RELATIONSHIPS

-It’s important for us to be REAL around our kids

-In reality, relationships are messy, unfiltered and different in every home

-Affection in the home helps to create a safe, secure environment for our kids

-Listen to the podcast as we describe the different types of relationships in our families of origin and our marriages! Some are more demonstrative, and some are more reserved. And that’s ok! Whatever works!

-Every relationship is different and beautiful in its own way. We don’t actually have to literally “smooch” in front of our kids to have the great benefits we’ve talked about. What we’re really talking about is demonstrating healthy relationships in the home--whatever that might look like for you!

CHALLENGE: Find a way to talk about healthy relationships with your kids week. Find teaching moments in your own relationship with your spouse or in the media. Just start talking!

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Has your child ever bumped into inappropriate content on an app that was supposed to be "for ages 3+"? Ours have! The ratings system is broken. So what are we going to do about it?

Chris McKenna, founder of Protect Young Eyes, is one of the key players in a movement working to address this issue. The #FixAppRatings campaign aims to create a better solution that will keep our kids safe. Join us as we talk with Chris and learn how we can help!

About Chris McKenna: After a 12-year career in business advising with Ernst & Young, and six years in full-time middle school ministry, Chris is now the Educational Resource Manager for Covenant Eyes, an Accountability and Filtering Company. In 2015 he created Protect Young Eyes as a way to equip and encourage parents and students to use technology responsibly. Chris’ research has helped countless families around the country and the release of the Scripture-based Virtue in Media digital citizenship curriculum finally provides a faith-based teaching solution for schools. Chris is regularly featured on news, radio, and podcasts for his research.

About #FixAppRatings: No one is holding technology companies accountable for the impacts they have on our young people. Many apps popular with youth are incorrectly self-rated and include dishonest and generic app descriptions that deceive parents about the dangers kids face on these platforms. 

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation, Protect Young Eyes, Utah State Senator Todd Weiler, and child advocate Melissa McKay have started a movement to increase accountability in the current app rating system.

Visit fixappratings.com to learn more!