Medical trauma. Suuuuuuuuuuper fun topic, right?

I'm (obvi) not a doctor, and this isn't an official diagnosis. Or expert advice.

This is one long-running patient who is processing the (unknown, unseen) mental health effects of repeated surgeries and endless doctors who can't find anything wrong.

It takes a toll.

As I prepare myself for shoulder surgery - my third (!!) - this week, I've been processing some medical trauma (again: undiagnosed. And I recognize the term trauma gets thrown around a lot lately, but I do think it applies here. And it is a useful framework for understanding my reaction to the upcoming procedure.)

I kept thinking it must be severe anxiety, or total overwhelm, but the truth is I'm an expert planner, and once I knew we were doing this, I was ready. 

Logistically, at least.
Ready with frozen meals and button down shirts and post op meds.

Yet I found myself checking out at random intervals. 
Feeling both this desperate need to run and this panicked sensation of being frozen in place.

This was not a reaction to the upcoming surgery.
This was a reaction to past unprocessed traumatic experiences.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋