Be Your Own Damn Muse

I've been racking my brain for a phrase to compete with my favorite "Wellbutrin Wins," to similarly describe my experience with the anti-depressant Lexapro.

Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant medication I started a year and a half ago, helped quiet some of the constant panic and terror I felt about every day living. It also helped tune out my sense of everyone else's feelings and needs, so I could better center around my own.

Six months later, I worked with my psychiatrist to add Lexapro to the mix. It helped me land in my body, with my thoughts and emotions still vibrant and swirling around me, but no longer sweeping me away.  

In this podcast, I talk about situational depression ( 3 months of shoulder pain!), and seasonal depression (bitterly cold and early dark days of winter) crashing together to leave me thinking... "Why Monday?"

I don't know that medication will benefit everyone who needs it and tries it. 

But I do know that it still feels incredibly shameful and scary to talk about needing mental health support. And this keeps people who could benefit greatly from it from even considering it.

Depression and anxiety are already such incredibly lonely experiences. And help - whether medication, therapy, exercise, or a combination thereof - can take time to kick in. Staying committed to getting better, when everything already feels so hard, is a true act of courage.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Pssst.... now you can also watch the episode on YouTube !
#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Medical trauma. Suuuuuuuuuuper fun topic, right?

I'm (obvi) not a doctor, and this isn't an official diagnosis. Or expert advice.

This is one long-running patient who is processing the (unknown, unseen) mental health effects of repeated surgeries and endless doctors who can't find anything wrong.

It takes a toll.

As I prepare myself for shoulder surgery - my third (!!) - this week, I've been processing some medical trauma (again: undiagnosed. And I recognize the term trauma gets thrown around a lot lately, but I do think it applies here. And it is a useful framework for understanding my reaction to the upcoming procedure.)

I kept thinking it must be severe anxiety, or total overwhelm, but the truth is I'm an expert planner, and once I knew we were doing this, I was ready. 

Logistically, at least.
Ready with frozen meals and button down shirts and post op meds.

Yet I found myself checking out at random intervals. 
Feeling both this desperate need to run and this panicked sensation of being frozen in place.

This was not a reaction to the upcoming surgery.
This was a reaction to past unprocessed traumatic experiences.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

As a girl who lives by her to do list... I find the idea of surrender extremely uncomfortable.

How am I supposed to trust that the work I am doing, the work I am putting out into the world, the people I am meeting and connecting with - that it will all lead to the kinds of roles I want to play, and stories I want to tell?

I am not good with things I can't control.

This week I'm sharing about how I am rethinking the idea of surrender. So it doesn't reflect a lack of agency, but rather an amplification of my creative spark.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Loneliness is not being seen as we are.
Not being accepted for who we are.

Loneliness also gets created when we feel forced to hide who we are.

Art is about learning to express the full range of who we are.
And - learning to withstand that not everyone will understand or approve.

In that way, Art is about learning to know ourselves.
To approve of ourselves.
To come home to ourselves. 

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

As artists, we have brilliant imaginations that we put to compelling use.
Those imaginations can create bright fantasies, and irresistible dramas.

When we use them on ourselves, we can daydream about awards and recognition, reaching a wider audience, creating greater impact. Or we can tell a story of defeat, of impossible odds, of a world against us and no way up.

Sometimes, often, we tell both.

And as entertaining as they are, they can be debilitating. If we craft a story that strips away our agency, that make us a victim, that carries no future.

So - what kind of stories are you telling about yourself?

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

I live in a constant state of panic of being behind.
 
Behind in being 'discovered' as an artist.
Behind in being established in my creative career.
Behind in the traditional female pressures of marriage, kids, the house with the white picket fence.

I wake up with this incredible pressure to catch up, as though everyone else started life ahead of me, and I'm still trying to get to the beginning of things.

It's another flavor of my anxiety, I'm sure, and it manifests in my starting - and abandoning - creative projects. I'm always convinced the other project, the one I'm not doing, is the one I should be doing RIGHT NOW.

So I stop, and switch.
And immediately become convinced that no, actually, that was the one I should be working on.

All of which leads to paralysis. And total shut down.
And no projects brought to completion. 

And, in the grand paradox of things, my panic leading to the exact thing I fear most.
That I'm letting time slip away without creating. 

This week I share about that pressure, how I'm working with it, and what I'm actively choosing to start practicing believing instead. 

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Creativity is cyclical, like the seasons.

We cannot produce all the time. We must make time to rest.

But in a culture that prizes productivity and output above all else, how do we allow for the time and space? 

Thinking of rest as part of the cycle of creation allows me to indulge fully, to trust that I am resourcing and gathering ideas and fresh energy for the next bout of creative expression.

It allows me to honor my own internal rhythms, whether or not (most often not!) they conform to the rhythms of society, of the calendar year, or of my own expectations. 

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

We are witnessing new climate disasters every day, and it can be hard to wonder the point of creativity, of making anything, when the world around us is in such peril.

But art is how we process what is happening, digest it, and find new meaning in it.

Art is also how we dream of a better future. It's how we inspire each other to keep going. How we amplify a vision of living in community and respect for each other and our planet. 

It takes real imagination to see the potential of humans to solve all of these problems we've created. It's much much easier to sink into despair.

So put your creativity to good use, and help change the stories we tell about who we are, and who we could be. 

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

I imagine all humans struggle with rage - there is certainly ample reason to be angry in this world.

Just the act of being human requires loving people, losing people. Having your heart broken, being rejected. Getting sick, watching your body deteriorate (if you're lucky.)

These are all incredibly difficult things, for which there is no one to yell at. No one to blame.

So the rage, that deep sense of loss and frustration and powerlessness, needs a form of expression.

This is where creativity meets us.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋