There is no apostrophe in this title and yes that is absolutely incorrect but we do not make the laws of America.

And tbh, if we did, we wouldn't start with Melrose Place titles. So Burnin Love it is, even if the red squiggly line appears.

Big news - Jane sets Alison's apartment on fire and fade to black while she watches it burn. Bigger news - it's been a long time since Jane was boring. It just kind of snuck up on us.

Billy and Sam are getting together. Okay, fine. At least they're not inevitable.

Jake and Alison are now outed as lovers, but Jane is not having it. What? Sure, that makes sense with her story arc.

Kimberly is giving up her medical license to become Michael and Peter's secretary. She might have other plans.

Matt is in some of his hottest scenes - at a gay bar - picking up a prostitute - going to jail. BUT OOOHHH NOO we didn't get the blue jumpsuit. Next time.

Well, here's what happened - we finished the Models, Inc. 'Cast, with sadness in our hearts, thinking we would never again enjoy the entertainment of this arm of the fictional Melrose Place / 90210 / Models, Inc. universe.

Alas, building towards our final episodes of the entire podcast, probably still a few years out, we realized that we needed to identify which characters from Models, Inc. would be elevated into the final tournaments - exploring each season for the saddest main character, and most awesome guest star.

So, we have it - enjoy this flash back to the simpler times, when models didn't have cell phones.

How hard do you have to convince a police officer that he should "shoot to kill"? That's the high art Melrose Place tackled this week. The answer: not very hard. Especially if they're hunky but skittish park rangers.

Also, Mary points out the traumatic experience Sam has dealing with Jane and Sydney this week, as she rolls up, shouts "toot toot, sorry I'm late!" and is suddenly ducking bullets.

Taylor is still scheming in what is a relatively slow burn in the world of Melrose Place. We still don't know what she's up to.

Billy discovers Alison and Jake are sleeping together and he gets upset. Does he have a right to be? These are his two best friends sneaking around and lying to him for weeks in order to spare his feelings.

Also Matt is high and Kimberly saves Peter by having an outburst in court.

Look, because we* are completionist, we *have* to go back to past seasons and identify the guest star we'd most like to podcast with.  Of course then at the very end of this podcast, when we've watched our last episode but still keep churning out special episodes, we can have a proper tournament of season champions.

* I am obligated to say that "we" means "Teege"

This week, we'll discuss the season one guest stars to identify who we'd most like to join us in the podcasting studio.  Who would be your picks?

It's a traditional, single-elimination tournament, just like Wrestlemania IV, but with no one skipping to round two.

David / Donna / Steve

Terrance Haggard

Lucy Cabot

Kay Beacon

Dr. Stanley Levin

The Campbells

Keith Gray

Charles Reynolds

Why are we calling him Dick, now? Is this some pop culture moment from way back that we don't understand? Or was it meant to be a bit racy?

Peter and Amanda are arguing over whether or not Peter killed his first wife. Amanda, mystically, thinks he could never do something like that even though he was on probation for attempting to murder her.

Michael is helping Kimberly along, hoping she'll regain her memory, but mostly being a dutiful husband. It's nice.

Matt continues to be on drugs, and is kind of a hottie little drug user.

The story of the week remains with Jane - who is admittedly not boring this week. Throw in the comedy of errors with Sam slowly realizing that something isn't quite right with Jane and Sydney, and you've got yourself an actually entertaining story line. Hopefully it goes on for a long time.

Alison and Jake continue to secretly date. Hopefully this does not.

Taylor continues to be an intriguing new character. Far more so than Kyle or Sam. She clearly has a thing for Peter, and Amanda is starting to figure it out.

You can't get it out of your head - the image of Kimberly and Sydney, flowing attire flapping in the wind, casually eating ice cream while walking along the beach and plotting a M U R D E R of Michael Mancini.

Or as they say in My Cousin Vinny, Murder IN THE FIRST DEGREE!

But, did their ginger plot start with murder, or was it more of a slow build? Maybe the began by imagining what would happen if they just released a little air from his tires every now and then, requiring him to stop and fill them up more frequently. Perhaps putting one Macintosh apple in a bag of Galas, making him question his flavor profile?

In this month's robot remix, we asked robot to help us imagine what happened in the moments before the cameras arrived.

If you are as confused and dumbfounded as we are about the re-election of Donald Trump, then join us on this special inauguration day episode.

Mary and I work through each of the characters, with a remarkable ability to know how they voted on a secret ballot, to determine just how the election tilted towards Donald Trump.

This is a throwback episode, for sure.  But in order to be completionists, after the rousing success of the Tournament of Sadness at season three, we went back and revisited the first season.  Using an epic tournament style deliberation, we answer the question: which Melrose Place character had the worst season?

The D&D Dream Team

Who do you think had the worst experience in season one?

Melrose Place is back for another season, and so are we!

We come back to see what happened with the fact that Richard, while dead, was literally crawling out of the ground. His psychological warfare on Jane Mancini is epic. Also, who exactly is the villain in this scenario?

Alison and Jake are dating behind Billy's back, to spare his feelings. I can't wait to see how this turns out.

Peter is in jail, and his arrest apparently makes front page news in ::checks notes:: BOSTON - where Taylor sees it and decides to blackmail her husband into moving to LA immediately, given the things he's done to her in the past. They own restaurants.

Jo is officially gone.

Matt is on drugs.

Kimberly can't remember having dinner with Peter, and shockingly, her memory is the only thing that would save Peter from the death penalty over the murder of ::checks notes:: Bobby Parezi, not his first wife or the attempted murder of his second.

Okay, fine - so the incest was creepy. Let's try to jazz this up with two former fiancés who always seemed like a better brother and sister than they did future spouses.

However - is the Folgers ad too boring without the incest overtones?