memoirs of a whiny ***** on the internet (formerly known as my personal pensieve)

Original recording 20200306. I was working everyday for a month ish sometimes starting somewhere and ending elsewhere. I learned being tied to a corporate inbox induces a lot of anxiety. I also learned that even though I am responsible, I don't enjoy always having work stuff on my mind when I go home. I do, however, enjoy tormenting myself about audio, overlays, etc, trying to make myself and my twitch better. My heart has to be in it or a task becomes mentally overwhelming. Typically, my heart is my compass. I am unfortunately a very emotional person. I am still practical, btw: but I have to feel strongly to take action. I talk about the 'rona, my agitation with people not washing their hands enough and/or properly, being frustrated with myself for window shopping when I shouldn't be, money, being worried about disappointing others, trying to find balance in work and being able to stream, loyalty, doing things my heart isn't in or I feel I have no natural talent for and am also am not learning fast enough (imho) when the field is faster paced. I probably won't feel comfortable financially to try full time come September (and as of now: May 27 am working on learning alternative income sources), but I want to still strive for Full Time. I am no therapist. Some origin story stuff near the end. I am just sharing my feels in hopes it is entertaining or relatable, but mostly to track where I was at whatever point in time. I hope we can all work through challenges we are facing. Let's be good to ourselves <3.

Jan Timeline

Emo - super emo - Got sick - Got sicker - Finally got a little better - Saw seventeen - Saw friends get married

Need to do a lot of things:

Stretch more, learn guitar~

Inspired by Andrea Boccelli's interpretation of Ave Maria.

Trying to embrace my journey

this year

And not dwell too much on

the Possibility

I will have bad luck

because it is my animal year D:

"Omg health is so important

Especially if you don't have health insurance."

No truer words.

This episode was recorded

PRE

#corona

#covid19

#c19

Everyone wash your hands thoroughly for twenty seconds, stay safe, and let's keep social distancing to help move the isolation train on its' way. <3

Went to the seventeen concert

@saythename_17 instagram

#NowSVT

#OdeToYouwithSVT

#세븐틴

Let's just call this episode

#아주Nice

Takeorey x Bellinissima

For selective hearing

@takeorey instagram

His top 30 #kpop songs of #2019

https://selective-hearing.com/takeoreys-top-30-k-pop-songs-of-2019/

http://selective-hearing.com

https://www.facebook.com/SelecHear/

http://feeds.feedburner.com/selective-hearing/kNfM

@selec_hear Twitter

@selechear instagram

https://www.mixcloud.com/selechear/

https://soundcloud.com/selective-hearing-254874192

https://www.youtube.com/user/selechear

I like #bts #behindthescenes

stuff

and broll,

so for me

Uploading an unedited podcast

Is totally my style.

Plus, I never edit my stuff.

The one time I tried,

I deleted the whole recording on accident.

I need to be better with my phone.

세븐틴 정말 고맙습니다

"고맙다"

너무 너무 기쁜해요.

It was "아주nice" 🥰

Thank You for coming to our city.

I always worry about logistics

And overall health

So I am glad no one was exhausted

From the 11/13

And 승관님 생일축하해요!

Glad you made that money

And enjoyed our energy

No one likes performing for a cold room.

I am all about supporting

Because you need to get paid.

Seventeen is a 13 piece group from South Korea.

All kpop groups in mainstream media

are from South Korea.

I am a fan but not a crazed super fan

So IDK their blood types

Or favorite foods

I read one likes Brian Puspos

Which is cool

It is #SeungKwan #승관 #생일 birthday

Jan 16

Concert was Jan 15

So when they did goodbyes

The fans sang to him

Kind of

Lol it was jumbly

But it got across.

Very nice moment.

I wasn't disappointed.

I am so grateful they came to Houston.

I always miss the carat registration in march

(Official fan club)

Admittedly a little hard to recognize some

Outside of #Vernon and Woozi.

When people change hair sometimes

It's hard for me

I have a thing for (long) hair

(#Jeonghan had long hair at debut)

#Woozi was back to black hair

But he is very distinctive.

But if it's just by face

I feel Woozi and #Mingyu have similar faces.

I am familiar with songs

But have not memorized

So the song with hangul lyrics

On the wall

Written like a nice letter

Or a poem

That was nice

Because I could sight read

And sing along

Yes I can read Korean.

Comprehension

Sometimes takes more time though.

I was surprised

at how many songs

I had NOT heard

Because I buy their music on itunes.

And at the end they changed into glasses.

YES!

it made them more real!

Like after 12h in contacts,

of course,

you want to rip them out

and wear glasses.

I will guess

That is the logic behind it.

If you guys were there

I was the girl basically in bondage

And seeing the first accessory change,

I felt i should have bought the harness I was eyeing on ebay.

Bandage faux corset

(Doesn't tie up, it has hooks in the back)

And interesting hot-pants with three zippers

That lead to one large pocket lol.

We had a super fan on my left

(Whose bias is clearly Jun)

*I like #Jun too,

I let her scream for the both of us*

And a beautiful pixie haired fan to our right

Who we should have asked for her ig

But I didn't want to be creepy.

I kind of wanted to hang out with her after.

I am reallly into hair.

I got shy. DANGGIT

(we both didn't say something

But also acknowledged

how pretty she is.)

Also she had a suggestion

To start a wave

To get the band back out

And I was like

'man, that's a good idea'

So I yelled to the people up front

But they didn't hear us.

Near the end

There were issues with suspenders

I interpreted it as

Them being derpy

playing

having fun

Then kuya allen rey pointed out they were having suspender issues lol

At some point in concert

They were chatting and playing on stage

'Do you want to fight?'

And I commenced chanting

'FIGHT! FIGHT!'

XD

No one fought.

Am I the only one who feels like

Vernon's look is slightly #1D #OneDirection?

Omg and that red suit?

And his color of mic?

Like a tiffany blue

(Mint green)

Love it

We were s102 DD seats 16-17. THANK YOU FOR TREATING ME!

S2 E1

episode00036: the episode that was supposed to be the first of the year

but

I need to learn how to change dates for anchor drafts.

Biggest takeaways:

🌸I had ugly feelings regarding a friend (sort of), but I was brave enough to to tell him about them.

🌸I leaned on some friends

who gave perspective.

🌸An ex was peaved,

but said

your feelings are ok to feel.

🌸No bridges were burned.

🌸I didn't lose a friendship.

🌸The person I am seeing knows a little more about the things I have been worrying about.

(Ps he knows about the excursion; #transparency.)

🌸I am glad I am able to label and itemize (someone else's word, not mine) my feelings.

I was experiencing envy after an excursion with a friend.

I have been exploring alt structured relationship models with friends in such relationships.

The last friend

We got to know each other

more intimately

emotionally and physically,

but

I ended up feeling envious

of the connection he has with his partner

and moreover

that I do not have that connection with him.

Not to say that I don't value our friendship.

I was experiencing feelings I didn't expect

and also felt pretty horrible having.

The past few weeks

(I am bad at math,

I think it's been two ish weeks)

have been physically exhausting.

Dad's birthday lunch is exhausting because

I physically feel drained after family events.

After the lunch is when I realized my feelings.

Also,

before my cycle lands

everything is emotionally intensified.

I knew logically

this wasn't that bad

but it FELT VERY INTENSE.

I am mid cycle now and,

even though I was crying a lot yesterday

not necessarily about this envy feeling,

I feel much better

and wanted to do this episode

with the feelings still fresh

but with me mostly OUTSIDE of them.

I felt horrid.

The emotions were ugly.

Even though

I didn't exactly find a strategy.

I found a limit/boundary.

I wish I was mature enough

to watch their cute couple stuff

in an ig story

but

yea no

I can't

and I acknowledge

that is pretty shitty.

But I discovered a limit.

And we all have different limits

and what we can handle.

I can control what media

I chose to consume.

Pps I was about to delete a bunch of apps and decided not to.

Have been adjusting notifications

for a while

(discord is always busy.

Not mine but others' lol)

and that likely added to my anxiousness.

I guess for all of us going through something

Maybe there is no real strategy

And you have to wait

For the feelings to pass

Or flow through you

Like a breeze

Or a storm.

I think that's ok too.

But reaching out and asking

for help

For perspective

Suggestions

Advice

We are all more similar than we seem to think.

Thanks for listening to me reflect on this (for me) horribly emotionally and physically draining experience.

I am glad I can see my feelings better now.

Maybe it made you feel better?

Have a good day

Try a soundbath!

More minimizing. For real this time. Why? I am living the scenario, "if you had to hand wash clothing and linens, would you have as much or would you let go of some stuff?" I am in the "let go" camp for this one. Also, it's interesting that washing machines have prop 65 warnings and even more interesting when you DM or email companies asking about what is it that might cause cancer or other reproductive harm, they tell you to refer to the prop 65 website. It isn't the most useful website. https://www.p65warnings.ca.gov/products-places Why can't they just tell us what the chemical is and what kind of exposure to said chemical 'could cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm.' A washing machine did not fall into any of those categories. Anyway, as this is likely the last audiodiary entry of 2019, I wanted to list recommended books/audiobooks and podcasts that I enjoyed and/or played/read more than three times. I am currently listening to Tony Robbins' Money: Master The Game. I def have to listen a few times to have it really sink in, but it makes the topics of money and retirement more approachable and less intimidating. Also, Molly Burke's It's Not What It Looks Like. A differently abled young woman living in a ableist world. If you thought you had a good grasp on accessibility it might open your mind to challenges you may not have even thought of. She is funny, bright, and real. I love when authors narrate their books. I bought both the audio and digital copy of The Try Guys' The Hidden Power Of Fucking Up. It was on heavy rotation for a while. Digital copy has cute photos of the guys. The Minimalists' Essential. I am probably not correctly citing these books. (One of the Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn, offers writing workshops to help folks find their writing style, but I think about citing now that I am writing recommendations on books and podcasts). The Minimalists, Paula Pant's Afford Anything, NPR's Wait Don't Tell Me, NPR's It's Been A Minute, The Artist Athlete, and Hideaway Circus are podcasts I always enjoy. Other audio books on the list: Adam Grant's Power Moves, Gabriel Wyner's Fluent Forever, Chris Voss' Never Split The Difference. Book I haven't quite pushed past the intro but very interested in: Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton's The Ethical Slut (3rd edition). I highly value minimalism, zero-waste, creativity, aerial, realness, accessibility, meaningful relationships, personal growth and personal finance. Thanks for listening to the audio diary. We will continue in 2020. Til then I hope we all keep on keepin' on in our personal journeys. Stay hydrated!

Vegas happened basically right after Dallas. Talking about blues grass band The Dead South, doing Vegas somewhat affordably, heart health and THANKSGIVING. Aside from history I hope we take a pause and think about what we are thankful for vs what we don't have. I am grateful for the opportunity to hang out with Momo and see a band she loves and learn about The Dead South and Blue Grass via experience. We weren't able to see Le Rêve, Atomic Saloon, Miss Behave Gameshow, Absinthe, Zumanity, or Opium but you can only do so much in so many evenings. Let's be real. I am human, not bionic lol. We had a great time, got to stroll along the strip with beers in tow, and enjoyed each other's company. That is what holidays and traveling with friends is about. Togetherness. Having fun together. Learning new things about each other. Rolling with each others quirks. So grateful. Thanks for listening to my ramblings and experiences. I hope they give you a different perspective, a few chuckles, or both. Thank You! See you next episode! Ps this one is pretty long.

Personal finance youtube videos, moderate frugality, minimalistic approaches to budgeting, personal finance, and travel.

Am I still paring down?

Yes.

Did I notice the Marie Kondo merch?

Yes.

Maybe she just likes tuning forks and crystals, y'all.

I was a huge fan of rose quartz as a kid.

Did I recently buy stuff?

Yes.

Base layers and rain pants.

Xmas is covered,

Base layers, rain pants, Laphroig Select, and the Vegas trip.

In Dallas recording from my homie's couch,

plans totally didn't go the way I had hoped,

but tickets to a concert were resold so yay.

Jay Park is #Sexy4Eva

tour or not

Hopefully m

I will see him next time.

Reselling tickets is stressful, especially when you didn't purchase the tickets.

This week of travel

is going to ruin how I eat usually

ie like

IDK how the food is sourced

and also

eating lots of pre packaged foods.

I see a naturopath

and keeping this in mind

for my next visit in January

because

lots of things show up

in my body scans.

I purchased travel insurance for the Vegas trip.

People say don't

but I am flying with an airline

where we got stranded for a day when we shouldn't have had any issues.

We bought our tickets

and the airline over sold the tickets.

We missed the connecting flight due to this

and no one told us where the gate was for the connecting flight.

Today

I am hanging

with a college friend in Dallas

and my GodCat Shinji

and in Vegas

I will be hanging with

a college friend from Canada.

Her and I met at our exchange program in Korea.

First trip away from her kids since they were born so I am really hoping she has THE best time.

We were messaging each other acknowledging we are having issues packing going out clothes.

Me it's more like I have one bag.

Do I WANT to being heels?

Also, I learned last time: makeup isn't as necessary.

Like, I thought it was like in Asia everyone wears their makeup and I felt the need to wear makeup. Then our trip happened for Big Bang and it just didn't seem like it helped more if we did or hurt us if we didn't.

Sooo maybe no makeup?

Maybe just lashes and lips?

Idk?

The rain pants I returned to REI

are the Talusphere S Petite

And bought the XeroDryGTX XS Petite.

(I prefer the lining)

Realized

A lot of personal finance gurus/icons

are very approachable human beings.

Going to look up some audiobooks

(I commute a lot)

Look up Annie Margarita Yang "How To Save Money On Low Income"

She goes into the why and offers solutions/methods.

Found an amazing article titled, "From Hoarder to Minimalist in 27,478 Insanely Hard Steps."

I love articles about a person's journey and not just lists of what to do with out why.

She has the why she has questions she asked herself to get to a toss or keep answer for herself.

Step 4 of the Listicle.

I read part of her question walk through.

And further, you can apply this to memories that you maybe do not have good vibes from.

Honestly I find it amazing.

I LOVE IT.

So happy I found this article.

Did I give it applause?

HECK YES. ALL THE APPLAUSE. Do I want to print the questions and tape it all over the walls!?

YES.

I wanted to share if people want a useful resource/exercise.

https://medium.com/@jessibowtf/from-hoarder-to-minimalist-in-27-478-insanely-hard-steps-bbf12397981e?source=linkShare-14659ee706d9-1571792091

Very first: sorry for the pops. I was speaking directly into the mic. Sorry! Things I need to elaborate on or didn't happen in the episode: dad has Parkinson. I went to social media for assistance as I have no knowledge base and two friends came In with GREAT resources. I can't copy and paste but for those seeking there is a Houston Area Parkinson Society and the United Way of Greater Houston has links to support groups for care givers and receivers with Me tal and Behavioral health challenges. I feel my parents don't care enough a out their health. They have resources to be able to make small actionable steps into habits that improve their quality of life. But Dad doesn't do oral and written exercises that have been suggested. Reason being: it makes him feel dumb. He takes people's time and effort for granted when they make time to help him. His pride gets in the way. What is pride when you can't stand on your own two feet? He was able to stand and walk on his own in 2014. The past few years his health has greatly waned. Part is him and not wanting to try. Part is mom. A lot is their lifetime of not great eating and exercise habits (or lack thereof). Things compound over time. A lifetime of poor eating and activity adds up. I want them to care more about themselves, their mental health, their diet, and being more active in spite of it being difficult. Our friend passed. He was proactive about his challenge (diabetes), was active DAILY, Cared so much about his friends and their businesses, and also himself. Yet he still passed. It bothers me when someone is taking charge of their health, doing what they can to improve their quality of life, and is overall a really wonderful human and they pass away. There are so many folks out there that don't try or don't care enough. I want my parents to care more. To TRY. People do not change for others. Rom-coms lie, ya'll. I knew this as a 16 year old: people change for themselves. People change because they DESIRE change. They have to want it for themselves.

So obviously I wanted to do this closer to say, June versus it now being the cusp of August. Maybe not so obvious, but I really wanted to! Main inspo being my mom taking Dad to the hospital and today not being a day they had a check up. Me throwing out kabocha I think tasted off because of my own human error in prep. A charge on the one card I have that is pending but shouldn't even be pending in the first place because it should have not even been authorized. Finances: pretty rad. Supporting my artist friends and fandoms monthly even if it is tiny amounts. I believe in sustainable support. I spend up to 150 in groceries a month (up to), I can support people I believe in monthly for a few bucks. Mentally in a good place. Seeing my parents and trying to find support groups for mobility and senior care on facebook of all places because reddit has nothing for this. Streaming more on twitch and hoping to meet requirements for partner. Hoping everyone finds sustainable habits to prolong the best quality of life for themselves. We all age. But we can try to live our best lives for as long as possible. Health is so important. Mental, physical, all of it. I hope we all do what we can to adjust to life changes and have the best quality of life. Cheers everybody! I'll see you next time!