memoirs of a whiny ***** on the internet (formerly known as my personal pensieve)

Health is cumulative. What you put in/on your body over time can positively or negatively affect you. Cancer on the other hand, from my experiences, is something like a random strike of lightning that gives no fucks about anyone, how well you take care of yourself, or medical history. My parents are aging and most of my 'free' days/time are spent at the house or running errands. My Dad isn't in the greatest health and doesn't have control over most of his facilities. His heart is remarkably okay though. The last few months in particular I was asked, told usually, last minute about appointments etc. I get it. Filial piety. But at the same time my life is more than work, my *seemingly* never ending donations, eat/sleep/laundry. I have goals and aspirations I am working towards. Step by step. It is also stressing me out that my mom constantly yells at him, using "I need to get his attention," as an excuse. Like all day long. She knows what he is and is not capable of, so why yell at him to do stuff you know he can't do or yell at him when he can't match your pace WHEN YOU KNOW he can't go the same speed? One day I won't be there to help pick Dad off the floor,put him in bed, go on never ending errands for Mom because she keeps adding stuff to a list she made up but never answers texts in a timely manner, or last minute drives to doctors appointments that eat up an entire, "day off." I am mostly tired of not being listened to, not having my opinions considered, and being asked last minute for everything. Takeaway: if you are in a family where your opinions are AT LEAST considered and valued: Know not everyone has that. Cherish it. Parents: tell your kids the "why" behind everything. Explain everything. Last time I checked: no one likes, "because I said so," as a reason. No one likes a dictator. If you are trying to change your life with some lifestyle/diet changes. Small changes are still changes. Nothing wrong with sustainable steps in a new direction.

I should do a blog post. I am going to NYC for a winter holiday. Every other time I have been to NYC was also during a winter holiday. I was freezing, shivering, and distinctly remember my beautiful cashmere long (heavy) coat DID NOTHING to help me from the cold. So, fully acknowledging my inability to retain heat and my living in Texas for over 90% of my life, this time around to avoid cold and/or soggy feet, shivering, and walking forever in heavy clothing: I decided to be super proactive. I really wanted to make the items in my closet work for me BUT I had been contacting friends from the NE US (who have been experiencing unusually harsh weather recently) and asked other Texans who have traveled recently or during winter and decided my clothing would either not be satisfactory OR in order to be satisfactory I would be bringing a lot. I want to minimize the amount of what I bring and also not wear too many layers that add weight. Walking around with 10lbs+ on the back gets exhausting. I did that in school. #NeverAgain if I can intentionally avoid it. Long story short: shopping my closet didn't work. As a native Texan who rarely goes somewhere with an ACTUAL winter I didn't have clothing with appropriate tech. My cold clothing works for Texas cold. I spent money upfront (and A LOT OF TIME for the boots) but I am at peace with my decisions. Why? Being miserable during a trip is terrible and fucks it up for everyone else, too. Like the time I lost my phone in Japan. Yea. You spend more time trying to find the thing(s) to make you comfortable, or that you lost, instead of fully enjoying the trip. Like extra shoes if yours break or get soaked or a waterproof jacket if it starts pouring. I will create a post on what I bought in hopes of helping other southern gals, but yea. My thermals as thin as they are, even rolled up, still take room. So I decided to buy a thicker (but lightweight jacket) that is warm, waterproof, has a hood, and has the pockets I originally hunted for even though it was a bit steeper than I would have liked. I don't have to do more layering this way. I plan on wearing two long sleeved base layers over a UNIQLO heattech bra top. I am all about eliminating a garment when I can! Bras take up a lot of space. The jacket doesn't explicitly say it is windproof... lol so we will see. 😂 Stay safe and warm out there, friends!

So a little background. I started in pole a few years back. And before starting: I did a lot of google-ing/research before eventually going to S Factor. I stopped for a multitude of reasons: the main being at some point my dad was in the hospital a lot and there just wasn't time with his hospitalization and my work schedule. But in my research I found Axis. And honestly they were what I wanted (They have aerial and a dedicated flexibility class) but it was a matter of distance/time/$$. So, yeeeeears later, while in a depressed funk, I decided to take the dive and try them out. I had my heart set on loving pole classes, but realized how much I enjoy, and also more easily grasp the concepts of, lyra and cube. Without listening to my broken, broken heart 💔, I wouldn't have realized that. So kind and talented. They don't realize how much it helped me deal with my depressed funk. Update: I have not yet gone back. Budget is still tight (I have a NYC trip in a few weekends) and typically Jan-March are slow in my industry so I am trying to stack cash for three months of monetary obligations (bills wait for no one). Axis is SUPER affordable for what they offer. It's niche and aerial classes in other cities (for example) can go for 66/class or 63/class with a $300+ multi class pass. I want to take classes at a few NYC aerial/circus gyms but the place I reeeeeeeally want to go to has a class pass, which would be fine if I were native, but IDK if my travel buddy would enthusiastically join me for a drop in flexibility class for 66. I would want him to join me for the class since we are traveling together. Just sayin: I LOVE AXIS and will come back. In the mean time I do my best to incorporate daily stretching. But yea: listen to your heart/gut. Access your situation. Weigh your options. Make a plan of action. I think that works with most passions. Results don't happen overnight, everything takes time to develop.

I met up with a friend I had not heard from or seen in a while (outside of social media). He is in a good place in his life with career, money, relationships. I wanted to catch up. And maybe it was because my cycle was about to hit and I was super in my feelings, in combo with the impeccable timing: but he gave me this little pithy nugget that really resonated with me. Also I think it was mentioned in an episode of the 10% happier podcast. "Don't do damage." Basically do what you need to do. #YouDoYou but don't trample all over people or go OUT OF YOUR WAY to do damage. In this world of hate filled/racist campaigns/robo calls, and random or not so random acts of violence I wish the world would focus on more positive things and work to build each other up and do less damage to ourselves and this singular ball of gas we live on. I admit I have done shitty things as a younger person but The present me won't go out of my way to fuck other people's shit up. People can live their lives how they like. You can't change people. You can change yourself. And change who you surround yourself with. Also, who has time for that? No, seriously. I LITERALLY don't have time for that. Always be safe and mindful of yourself, your surroundings and those around you. But don't fuck shit up just to fuck some shit up.

So I will do an episode dedicated to my journey of alternative menstrual care another time but, yes, I use a menstrual cup. Today's mind dump is about my musings on retirement. I honestly am striving to learn more about what options I have available as I simultaneously combat my mountain of debt. I live with aging parents. I have seen a wide spectrum of 70. I don't want to be 70 without options, access to transportation, or resources necessary for surviving old age. Aging is a natural process. Most of us don't think too deeply about it until we are knee deep in it. #YoungForever. My mom consistently last minute asks me to take them to appointments. I am a crutch and taken for granted. Filial piety has it's moments. They haven't thought about a lot of what ifs. And that is most of the pyre that fuels this post. They haven't thought about what happens if I am not here. They haven't thought of alternative methods of transportation if Mom can no longer drive. Mom is like, "we'll cross that bridge when the time comes," In regards to most questions. I don't expect anything. Part of the reason why I am trying to get rid of excess is because I am playing with the scenario of this house being sold. And a scenario of me leaving and not leaving a mess of stuff behind. This is a long ways along, but I want to be able to leave with peace of mind. Less stuff = less stuff to manage or worry about or maintain. I live in a world of folks downsizing from massive houses for one reason or five others. Less stuff, less consumption, more money to invest, and most importantly: more freedom. Less burdens. So yea. Still trying to figure it all out. I don't want to be super unprepared for retirement. Also I am super proud of the line, "preparing for a future that likely has NOTHING to do with the person I'm having dinner with." Bc it's true. Anyone who has things to accomplish: don't feel bad about not being able to go on dinner dates. Nothing wrong with prioritizing a future that likely has nothing to do with them, anyway. 💁🏻‍♀️ Live your life for You, first. You are the only one, at the end of the day, who is responsible for and invested in yourself and your happiness/prosperity.

#tindertales and networking via dating apps. So when I first entered the foray of dating apps I had explicitly wrote I am on for "networking" and then networking was considered an ugly word. Which I never really understood. Maybe it was imagery of boring mixers where everyone eats hors-d'oeuvres chatting with the same people from last week's/month's mixer, not really making new connections or friends or anything really gets conjured up. Ps been there done that. And that was without a "good job" or career path. I later removed the ugly word but already knew by then (without reading or watching videos btw) that social media is what you make of it. Fuck all the people that think I am weird to utilize it to network versus catch stds/date. It not that weird. Best example being my trip to Japan during Golden Week 2014. But that will be another mind dump. Today's mind dump I delve more into utilizing dating apps for growing my friend group and reflecting on how practical it is. The more people you know the more likely someone has resources, experiences, tools to share that you don't have or that you seek. And you probably have experience, resources or tools that someone in your friend group also seeks. But without these apps and new friends I would have not been exposed to new podcasts, art styles, financial suggestions, vacation partners, food porn, etcetera. Always be safe. But sometimes #NoNewFriends isn't always the best policy. I know I have already eaten my words on that hashtag. Early post bc I made time to sit down and listen without outside noise, I needed the sugar in my system to chill out, and I wanted some alone time before work. Pps Happy Halloween and be safe! More treats than tricks, you know what I mean?

When I recorded this it was after meeting someone from one of the platforms I stream on. And meeting him at this place I was super aware of all the plastic involved and the likelihood of them not recycling. There are a lot of things with food biz where if it is possible it is definitely more challenging to be eco friendly and in a world of convenience there are lots of consumers not down with paying a premium for more green conscious packaging/items. Anyway It got me to thinking of why I even started on my minimalist/zero-ISH waste journey. And it is still a journey. And I still fuck up or feel bad like when I don't bring my utensils but on a whim decide to eat out. I am still making adjustments in my life and I still prefer to eat out for poke versus make it. I personally do not believe or strive for a completely zero waste life. For my lifestyle and current routine I do not foresee completely zero waste. But I do strive to be less wasteful. And do my best to not introduce more plastic into the house and not to be dependent on recycling programs since there is no guarantee recyclables get recycled. But anyway. This is about a 25minute listen. Save it for when you are stuck in traffic or driving 30miles. Thanks again for listening! Hope in some way it helps you or makes you chuckle. It's easy to be negative and react. I know from personal experience. Still working on it, don't worry about it. Let's go into the world and do our best to be our best selves. No one is living your life for you but yourself.

I have tons to resell. In fact I was trying to re go through things the other day in hopes it would be more enticing for shops to buy. For those looking into resell options, here is my personal account of the process. My opinion is my own and maybe we ll value time differently. But man I am tired of investing time for five bucks a pop or less trying to flip my super cute clothing.

I really am not sure if I mentioned it before but I seriously have a lot of debt for a person that makes less than 30k a year. Upside: plowing through it. But I had to change. I got on a debt management plan vs the juggling act I was doing for the past year+. And I made changes to how I spent and how I thought about money. What I was doing before wasn't working so I had to change it up to get results I wanted. I think that last bit can be applied to most aspects in life. I missed two weeks, but you will hear why in next week's episode lol. Thanks as always for listening to my rambly thoughts. Until next time!

So I stream on a few platforms, and to be super real it is in hopes of these folks following me to twitch. I am no where near going full time, but I do try to do a schedule. Mostly to train myself for when I do go full time. So on one platform I stream on people have been singing, and although irl I have no issue bursting into song, for whatever reasons it is very uncomfortable in stream. So I address that. I also cover encouraging others since in stream others talk about passions they are not sure of sharing or a desire to do a stream too. #DoYouBoo! Every experience is an experience. Even if the result isn't what you hoped for you learn something. You can adjust and try again or just realize that maybe it isn't for you. But we should at least try first and figure it out.