memoirs of a whiny ***** on the internet (formerly known as my personal pensieve)

I realized I was clearing my throat a lot during this recording. I was probably still getting over it. So I lost my voice for four days. I was freaking out. That was a big part of me not recording lol. I had never lost my voice for that long. Meal prep: there were things showing up in my bio scan at the naturopath I am seeing. Due to that I decided to eat even cleaner. For example, the organic chicken thing. I know, I know. Here is more info on organic chicken: https://foodprint.org/eating-sustainably/food-label-guide/food-label-guide-chicken/usda-organic-chicken/. And better labels to look for when purchasing chicken in the us in general: https://foodprint.org/eating-sustainably/food-label-guide/food-label-guide-chicken/?gclid=CjwKCAjwr8zoBRA0EiwANmvpYJ5S_m18SmXLyqVPAyZED-dSb5GaWYoAe6Y7O3SmJXYbL_AGnChvfBoCoEsQAvD_BwE. Seafood: https://www.ftc.gov/sites/default/files/documents/public_comments/guides-use-environmental-marketing-claims-project-no.p954501-00152%C2%A0/00152-56693.pdf. Specifically what I was going by when looking for salmon: https://www.seafoodwatch.org/seafood-recommendations/groups/mackerel?type=atlantic&location=imported#tab=seafood-watch. If you are interested in my #zeroishwaste journey I have a twitter @zeroishwastelyf, instagram @myzeroishwastelife, youtube myzeroishwastelife, and domain myzeroishwastelife.com. Admittedly I will be more communicative via instagram if you want to reach out. Thanks for listening! Until next time! (I will upload within the next two weeks instead of two months). 🤞🏼

So I do live a more minimal/zero-ish waste lifestyle. I have been really good about what I do and do not bring into my life: products mostly, people included. But that doesn't mean I don't ever want STUFF. My birthday is coming up and I have curbed the enthusiasm for a ball gown. That is an actual problem I have. I like ballgowns on my birthday. I want a lunya silk gown and robe, shaquda body brushes, leahlani face products. But I keep it in check. The lunya robe and dress would be about 5 days of work if I made 100usd/day. Or like 5 external hard drives. I usually reframe in hard drives or microphones lol. Or fitness equipment. Like stall bars range 300-500usd, an indoor aerial rig is 300-700usd ish, and a lyra is usually 300-500usd when I look. So is the silk worth it right now? No. Is it worth it generally speaking? YES. Do I still want it? YES. Can I wait? Obviously, yes. I am focused on my debt, funding my roths, getting that credit score up, and minimizing my possessions. I need to get that emergency fund up, too. My dad is improving but definitely the unplanned situation from last week and my dad's condition make me really think about how I am lacking in emergency funds. I have dresses I can wear for birthday shenanigans. I don't feel deprived. I am doing things for me. People sometimes don't understand my schedule and how much time I don't have for other things/people. But just because I lack a lot of free time doesn't mean I feel depraved or have fomo. If I prioritize you I see value in you and your company. For those who don't see the value in what you are trying to accomplish in your life: maybe they are not worth your time. If they don't give a fuck about the shit you are trying to accomplish, they aren't paying your bills or living your life. You are living Your life. No one else. People that give you shit about trying to improve yourself probably aren't real friends. Let's try to be compassionate and empathetic to others and ourselves. Thanks for reading/listening! I am @bellinissima at twitter/twitch/discord/instagram. See ya soon!

I have been gone off the podcast for two weeks. What happened? Three bills were paid off. Woot! 🔥 Again, I have a long way to go with my credit, but Yay for progress, ya'll. I was thinking about "theming" my days. I remembered it mentioned in a podcast as well as an instagram post I made in attempts to create clever hashtags to essentially theme my days. I also remember my friend Fae writing me to create a schedule for my Dad to help him "know what to look forward to." I remembered the patterns I have noticed, eating habits, shopping habits, work out habits, and made a schedule for myself. It took a lot of time up front, and my schedule is less erratic now that I don't pick up a bunch of random gigs anymore, but I am glad I have less to think about. I have something to refer to to keep me on top of my schedule. Like a way to measure if I am taking too long showering or grocery shopping, etc. I feel like this is a good exercise. It helped me see what little time I have for other people and other people's bullshit. Like visually see what little time there is for other people. I don't feel it is limiting. I am focusing on the things I care about and want/need to do for myself to grow and become stronger (meditation and workouts for example). I am aligning my daily life with what I am about. Or trying to be about. Big Ups to my Homie Fae for making me more aware with her advice and suggestions throughout life. 🙏🏽 And everything she and her family have done for myself and my parents.

I have a long way to go. If you thought of the Cassie song, me too. Just thought about it. Went from 40k ish to now 14k ish. Of course there were missed payments along the way, various aprs, etc. I was juggling multiple payments on multiple days. Monthly. It was mentally exhausting and just added all sorts of anxiety. The feeling of drowning/suffocating in debt and the juxtaposition of the world carrying on in spite of my situation was constant. And then I found help. I got on a debt management program. And now there are less payments to juggle monthly. Basically no strange numbers calling incessantly all 24h of the day. I have peace of mind and I am slaying that debt! I was not sure of getting on a debt management program at first. I had heard of programs many times and it felt like a program that was being sold to me, like something I might not need and might be not legit. I was introduced to one and was still apprehensive. It took me a while to fully commit. And yea it sucks. Admitting that you made poor decisions to a stranger. Later realizing maybe if I chose this strategy earlier I would not have felt so awful for so long or I may have made way more leeway into my debt. Being transparent about ALL the debt. I was ashamed. In hindsight how I got into this mess was so dumb. So on top of the multi payments (pre debt management program), the phone anxiety, the overall feeling that people were after me, there was that shame I was harboring. So not only payment wise, but mentally I have also come a long way. So I feel for people that feel ashamed of their debt. How they landed in it, how it feels in it, the drowning/suffocating feeling, depression, anxiety. I get it. There is help. And we are the hardest on ourselves. Shit happens. The main thing is to learn from it and figure out a strategy to better ourselves and situation (without causing harm). Basic takeaway: I flushed out one bill of multiple. I celebrated with Snoopy happy dance gifs. I didn't bake a cake, go out for a fancy dinner, buy a ballgown, or set off fireworks. Staying in line with trying to save more in order to put what a save towards extra payments, I cooked a lot lol. So I have food for the week and possibly into next week. (I made a LOT of salad 🥗.) From the beginning of this debt to where I am today I changed my attitude towards money and how I interact with it. I keep lots of reflexes in check. I keep goals in mind before purchases. Like, is this thing worth xx hours of my freedom? Bc time is money. Is this thing worth xx hours of my time/money? The debt management program helped put my mind at ease. In addition to the debt management program, I also set up additional ACHs to four creditors for five different bills either weekly or bi-monthly. And for those who noticed I mentioned a podcast with actionable steps to help improve your financial life in 2019: Paula Pant of Afford Anything (website and podcast) is an awesome human. And her Dec 31 2018 podcast is really great. 💪🏽🔥 I just heard this episode for the first time last week so I am going to start going through the list! Link to that particular episode: https://affordanything.com/169-one-tweak-a-week-in-2019-easy-improvements-to-your-financial-life-in-2019/ 🌸👋🏼Let's be good to each other and especially to ourselves and I'll see you guys later! Pps as of this moment the best way to contact me is instagram.

So I made a promise to myself to take better care of myself. Skin, physical health, overall health. Admittedly, I am heavily focused on skin care. Been able to stick with more natural ingredients without compromising too much.

Anyway.

Part of that is becoming physically stronger, because being bendy isn't just about the stretching. You have to be strong enough to support yourself.

I decided to take advantage of a park I live walking distance from (if I have time for a leisurely stroll lol, which I did that day), and the fact that they have some gym equipment indoors.

I did my workout. Stretching, some machines, no rollers so I have yet to properly roll myself out. Idk where my roller went! D:

Weighed myself.

Thought about it but did it anyway.

Still disagree with what it told me.

I don't weigh myself

Bc it can turn into a weird obsession with me

And me constantly disagreeing with a device.

But the thing is my goals are not weight based.

I want to be stronger and bendier.

I just know I sit usually around 120-122lbs so like 55kg ish.

And I doubt I gained muscle weight any time recently.

Or "happy weight" for that matter, since I am single lol.

I walked in light rain, worked out attempting to wait out rain, but ultimately walked in the rain in my UNBEKNOWNST to me: ragged shoes lol

Went home took a nice bath and mused over the coming week. I get to see Cirque Du Soleil's Luzia TWICE.

Pps by the time this is uploaded (which is a week after the recording) Some of the acts were different and I had never seen slack line performed until two days ago.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I was really glad bestie enjoyed it! 🥰😊

I was a bit worried especially since she bought the tickets. It was a late birthday/xmas/빼빼로/Valentine's Day/white day/black day (these are real, please google) gift 🎁 💝

White day

https://us.jnto.go.jp/blog/valentines-day-white-day-in-japan/

Black day

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-blackday/black-day-for-love-big-day-for-noodles-idUSSEO18852320080414

Main takeaway

🌸Bubble baths are great

🌸Baths in general are great

🌸Meditation can happen anywhere

🌸You don't need to be in a certain place

🌸NO ONE has time for self care/meditation/working out/meal prep

But it just has to happen

You have to carve out that time.

We need to enrich ourselves.

And baths are relaxing: We are all super stressed!

Yes it is a bit wasteful with water and heat

But I think something like a thirty minute soak does more for oneself than it hurts the checkbook.

Take care of yourself.

You are the only one who can take care of you at the end of the day.

Self sufficiency is something not everyone can or will do. Some people outright refuse.

But it is definitely sexy.😊

So as I finish my drawn out 1h+ long solo #ValentinesDay lunch before work lol 🍣🍚🍵

Love yourself first

Let's be good to each other

And to ourselves

Thanks for listening!

Even more thanks if you read this lol

I'll see you next week!

Love, appreciation, and gratitude can be celebrated everyday.

If you are mad about singles awareness:

Go out in the world

And let someone know how much you appreciate them in your life.

Or your dog, fish, plushies, etc.

This episode is a bit more ranty than the last few. So just a heads up. I have been working on making myself, I guess for lack of a better way to say it, a more optimal me. I have been googling foods beneficial for skincare and flexibility as those are my target areas. I am not trying to loose weight. And even though flexibility is a lot to do with physical conditioning, diet assists with that. Like anti inflamitories may be good things to look into. I rub just about everything in Tumeric anyway though, lol. I think I am not the only one who window shops for things they think they need to achieve goals. Although some things may aid in the journey (like crash mats or mats in general for exercise) I had to think about what I had already that could be used. This is not just for the fitness situation. When you apply for jobs you have to recall all your experiences and abilities. If you feel you are lacking usually you read, get training, find a mentor, etc. to bridge that gap. Based on what you can do now and what you have access to, you find a strategy to get to that next step. I was looking at what I have now. I searched for "Japanese diet" for skincare and based on blog posts I decided I to add more seaweed to my diet. I still have hijiki, which I use in soups. I have nori. I will eat that up and then focus on not seasoned seaweed. (I want to stay away from anything that may have salt added). I have matcha. I will drink at least one cup a day. I have been waking up earlier and going to sleep easier. I will set aside an hour window and do some stretching a few days a week. I felt the difference between lots of hydration and sub par hydration. I drink more water now. It took that day after drinking lots of water: where I barely drank water- to realize the difference. Some posts suggest take baths regularly. I usually shower but I can add a bath here and there. I actually love baths. Very relaxing. A lot of little things I can do today. I don't have to go buy more. I have been window shopping and holding stuff in the virtual cart, sure. But, I have been doing a lot with what I have. I hope we can all get super real with ourselves and figure out what we can do with what we have: skills, experience, insight, objects. Let's try our best to be kind to each other, the planet, and ourselves! Thanks and see you next time!

Streaming the other day was successful. No fuckboys or weird harassing comments. Weird and freaking awesome! Shoutouts to Ranma0005 for dropping into the stream btw. And he runs a tournament called Texas Showdown. If you play fighting games: def need to hop on that and register. Also if you like dbz you can follow him. Zendaisushi and wyld7 are bros from eme and biff is one of my convention bros and mac was a viewer retained from last week! So happy you all came by to chat. Also Kuya wes! Being more conscious of my skin and decided this year we are going to be better about taking care of my skin. Also learning and growing in knowledge applicable to streaming and investing into my IRA accounts. Hope we are all learning and growing. Not all of our goals are going to be similar to others. What matters is we do stuff for ourselves that enriches ourselves without hurting others or ourselves. If you are wondering about the spelling of the spa I went to it is akyish. They are pretty active on ig. And the facial at the time of this recording was $85 before tip btw

I am very aware of my ignorance. I have started asking some friends about what they are doing, and some regulars I feel close enough to to ask. It seems we are all similarly ignorant and not comfortable starting the conversation. Possibly because of our ignorance and not really sure of how to start a conversation or what to google. So before I recorded the body of this pensieve, I was feeling very uncomfortable still. I really had no idea of where to start and what to google. I had, here and there, googled terms I had heard from "The Stacking Benjamins Show" podcast. All in hopes of trying to expand my horizons and learn some stuff. Some of the stuff I googled, the jargon wasn't absorbing. I was annoyed I wasn't understanding the stuff I was looking up. But I have recently, in these first three weeks of 2019, looked up Paula Pant's blog. She is a guest on "The Stacking Benjamins Show" and has her own podcast, "Afford Anything." (Also, for the circus/aerial/artists out there she was a guest on "The Artist Athlete podcast.") I looked up the blog, signed up for the free pdf, started digging around, but yesterday I opened an email from her. "[Day 6 of 7] -- I Don’t Know How to Invest and I’m Afraid of Making Expensive Mistakes." Now, reading that doesn't make me an overnight genius. And I don't magically understand everything, bc near the end I wasn't absorbing that material, but I did understand better. And now I know exactly why I am very much in a Roth vs a Traditional IRA. It is a few baby steps in the right direction of educating myself. So I guess the takeaway is, for those of us who basically haven't thought (a lot) about retirement and are thinking about what that really means money wise as well as visualizing what everyday life will look like, better late than never. #CantStopWontStop. You have to think about it. We all do. Outside of money, what do you want to do everyday? Is it a sustainable lifestyle? Do you have enough for unexpected medical needs? Again, I have seen a wide range of 70+. My parents have a lot going on. Idk if this is a mirror, foreshadowing, or maybe I will be ok since I have fairly ok health imho. We share genetics so obviously I worry. I need to set financial goals or milestones. I need to get more educated. And I need to keep going. I can do it. You can too.

So, first off, HAPPY 2019! We made it! I will include what I purchased in the description. Ps keep in mind I obvi didn't fit all this stuff in a bag. I wore my jacket, only had one pair of boots. I bought the Ethique samplers but at the end decided instead of all three samplers, I chose a face soap, shampoo, and conditioner and packed it in a tin. I also broke a little piece of feminine soap and placed it in the tin. Spoiler alert I purchased a $300 jacket but decided to return it because it didn't explicitly say it was windproof. By luck I found a 3-1 jacket from Marmot and express shipped it. That is the one listed below in my list of purchases. Layer situation most days: base layer pants, fleece tights, windproof pants, for the bottom. heattech bra, base layer top, merino top jacket OR heattech bra top, base layer, merino base layer top, jacket. I did many returns. So this whole thing has been a lot of time invested in getting clothing that performs. I would rather pay up front to ensure my warmth and comfort than pay on the back end with cough meds, days not working and making income, and doctors visits. Seeing that the weather is still 30F to 66F in the same day somedays, purchases are still getting a lot of use. I still sleep in the thermals. Still going through the Ethique sampler. This list doesn't include stuff I had before the trip, like my deodorant paste, my Hesta menstrual cup, and my Thinx period panties (which I have gushed about in a previous episode for ladies curious about them) as I was anticipating my cycle. And my Hello Kitty Hat. Yea I spent a lot. My ticket was WAY less than all the stuff I bought to ensure I didn't freeze to death. Yes, about a 1000USD+ if we include tax and shipping. Proof that everything adds up lol. That doesn't include the time I spent hunting all this stuff down. Here is the list: Costco

Kid thermal set 6.99 + tax (x2)

Adult thermal top 6.99 + tax

Adult thermal bottom 6.99 + tax

Rei

3x Socks and gloves 97.77

Locks 10.77

Jacket 164.03

Rei merino pants 47.69 + tax

Rei merino top 47.69 + tax

Rei waterproof windproof pants 61.99 + tax

Rei silk top 54.07

Sierra Trade Post

Merrell Tremblant tall polar waterproof boots 99.99 + tax

MiiR 32oz insulated howler 24.99 + tax

Uniqlo

Heattech sleeveless bra top (x2) 19.99 + tax

Alexander Wang heattech bra (x3) 19.99 + tax

Amazon

Wet bags 12.99 + tax

Insulated snow pants (decided not to bring) 29.40 + tax

Diaper bag 19.99 + tax

Bag sternum strap 5.97 + tax

Fleece lined leggings 12.99 + tax

Ethique sampler hair 15.50 + tax

Ethique sampler face 18.50 + tax

Ethique sampler body 16.50 + tax

Trader Joe's

Argan oil 7.57

Etsy

QuUAOrganicHairCare

Rose salve and Bergamot facial moisturizer 21.30

ButterMeUpIrganics

2oz sunscreen 10.95

SkinFoodByAB

Lavender + honey organic lip balm 14.00

SkinFoodFix

Femme soap 5.75

LandofAahsPerfume

Yuzu & satsuma and smoke & mirrors 33.75

🚨Spoiler Alert: 3:30-11:45 ish is me praising Thinx and my move from conventional menstrual products to period panties, a cup, and reusable liners. Not in that order btw. I am pretty much Thinx + Hesta (brand) cup all the way. Pps Hesta for whatever reason no longer sells their cup anymore. This trip to NYC (ps at the time of uploading: I just came back last week. I skipped last week's upload bc of work/unpacking) had me really thinking more about multitasking garments. I have always liked multitasking items and utilitarian bags. I have less but I feel not less enough. Ideally I want to be able to up and leave without looking back/having regrets and still have all the things I want/need/love in my bags. Think the large zippered blue/yellow Ikea bags. Like four or less of those. That is the goal. That, And my newly purchased Away carry on. (My stuff *laundry and coffee/snack gifts* expanded on the trip, anticipated that happening.) So I need to get out of my head. Get over it. And really think about what matters/is useful. What serves me and my current lifestyle. I don't need all the things I have. And I want to have them responsibly recycled if they cannot be bought or repurposed.