Men in Charge in Brief(s)

In this long-awaited “pants” episode, Kevin and Tony use the late Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s dim-witted remark to a soldier as way of addressing the similarly dim-witted remarks of those who are against pants mandates in this country. Matching that foolishness are this weeks segments. First, Emily Wellingtonford (chapter 9!) wishes to bring Edmonton nightlife to Coronach, while Archie, her lover/captive, flees into November night. Next, Roger Basement interviews Father Blemish, an unfrocked priest, who reviews (harshly) his clerical colleagues' pulpitry, and finally, on Pox & Phlegm, Marjorie Taylor Greene reappears to upbraid former V.P. Mike Pence for his failure to be hanged on January 6th. Well, you go to an insurrection with the V.P. you have, right?

In this episode, Tony and Kevin discuss the need to cover themselves with glory, because no one else will. To forward that effort, the show starts with “The Men in Charge Talent Search,” a shabby effort to lure the local populace into working for Men in Charge for free, after they’ve paid their “audition fees” into the MiC vanity press account. Next, our hosts give us a sort of homage to film director Roger Corman, who may be alive (or not (check your Schrödinger’s box to be sure!)) in a radio drama called “Strike, Cassowary! Kill! Kill!,” about an avian/human love affair and white guys who like to shoot things. After that, we have a visit with Nana June, a farmer who cooks up devastating sound effects to punish her irritating engineer. Finally, Kevin and Tony are musically audited by “Moragh van der Werff, Professional Radio Comedy Sketch Show Music Consultant,” who wants to set our hosts straight on how pathetically injudicious their interstitial music choices have been for years now. A talent search is clearly in order…

In this episode we learn that by winning the minority vote, writer Ann Porter imposed that terrible title upon us. (But Kevin and Tony still want you to buy Men in Charge cologne…) They soon leave this lamentable topic and move on to “European Complainers Society 2,” in which the absent virtues of pork products are discussed in a complaining tone, as is Teddy Roosevelt. After that, we move to the fifth (5th) segment of the series, “A Man Called Bamby.” Our heroes voice-over characters Michael and Amber remain trapped in the bar (they’re only voice overs, after all), and Mr. Giuliani, mob boss and hair-dye fetishist, threateningly appears. Finally, the show introduces a new, prequel series: “Bruno Calamari, Norwegian Political Operative!” How did Sheriff Coors become Sheriff Coors? And why are zip ties so darned hard to use? This new series begins to partially answer those questions…

In this episode we learn that by winning the minority vote, writer Ann Porter imposed that terrible title upon us. (But Kevin and Tony still want you to buy Men in Charge cologne…) They soon leave this lamentable topic and move on to “European Complainers Society 2,” in which the absent virtues of pork products are discussed in a complaining tone, as is Teddy Roosevelt. After that, we move to the fifth (5th) segment of the series, “A Man Called Bamby.” Our heroes voice-over characters Michael and Amber remain trapped in the bar (they’re only voice overs, after all), and Mr. Giuliani, mob boss and hair-dye fetishist, threateningly appears. Finally, the show introduces a new, prequel series: “Bruno Calamari, Norwegian Political Operative!” How did Sheriff Coors become Sheriff Coors? And why are zip ties so darned hard to use? This new series begins to partially answer those questions…

Kevin and Tony make the arch but essential distinction between confessing to whatever idiocies they may or may not have committed and providing an exculpating justification. You could learn something from this, Listener. But if you don’t, you can still attend carefully to this episode’s segments. First we have a return to “Pox & Phlegm,” with a special guest: Florida congressman Matt Gaetz, who has no excuse for anything, whether it’s “teen dating,” cocaine use, or lying unconvincingly. Next, a commercial for “Melania’s Mousse & Fuss Hair Salon,” which reveals what really goes through the FFLOTUS’s head, and why. Finally, the fourth (4th) in the meta-neo- noir series, “A Man Called Bamby,” in which Michael and Bamby board the train that has been chasing them and are then treated rudely by a teenage girl. Naturally, there’s no excuse for that sort of behavior, but she doesn’t care.

Tony and Kevin complain, as a couple of older white guys always do, complain about other species get away with stuff regular humans like them can’t. Why do animals commit murder? Why do they so often die at each other’s teeth and claws? Why do they even attack humans just for invading their habitat and poking at them? The answer may well be clear, Listener. After a cheap segue to unrelated segments, we have a new “Adventures of SkyHighMan” (#7!), in which our Dog Food heir, Wendel (Wendy) Henderson goes after a criminal mastermind named The Overthinker, because that’s all their parents could come up with. Next, we have a commercial for “Thoughts and Prayers Legal Services.” With all the killings, this sponsor is making a killing! And yes, that’s in very bad taste! Finally, we return to “Johnny Hambone, Library Bouncer: Podcast from the Hammock” (#6!), in which Johnny, still on work release to help his former cellmate, Big Nell, in her struggle against the extortionate white suburban moms’ syndicate. Listen for the helicopters…

Brian Lindsey—yes, The Brian Lindsey—returns this week for another hard-hitting interview, in which Kevin and Tony ask him which Men in Charge segments he’s enjoyed most over the years, and who’s taller. He anticipates enjoying the first segment, when we hear the orders from corporate about Men in Charge “Tattoo Guidelines,” and how Kevin needs a chip in his head, not just in his arm from the vaccine. Next, Tony and Kevin air “Failed Narrations,” which by definition weren’t supposed to be aired but now, unaccountably, they are. Thirdly, you’ll hear the first of what should be many in a series, “Hamster Sheetcakes,” in which we meet an enterprising entrepreneur (same word, actually!), as well as some hamsters with very fine fine motor skills. Lastly, Roger Basement interviews a sad sack of a less entrepreneurial business owner, with “Discount Landscaping.” Learn how cruel and capricious Nature can be as you adjust to the new chip in your head!

Tony and Kevin invite the mysterious Brian Lindsey—the unacknowledged master of solo Twister—to explain why listeners tune into only the very end of each Men in Charge episode. After that, our hosts explain how each of the segments for this episode is unrelated to the episode’s title. First, “Cajun Chef and Sniper”: a Cajun Chef TV show is enlivened—or deadened—by the unaccountable presence of a sniper in the rafters. Next, Roger Basement interviews two brothers who write incriminatingly “Fair and Balanced Blurbs” that they paste onto the dust jackets of books in bookstores throughout Lower Heights. Third, a public service announcement for “Sticky Wicket Surprise Pricks,” a British program for vaccine awareness that surprises citizens with a sudden prick. Finally, a return to “Family Dentistry—with Timmy!”, wherein our family of dentists gathers for Sunday breakfast after church, which they religiously fail to attend. Find out why, by yourself, and win!

In this episode, Kevin and Tony take derisive issue with frightened young white men in polo shirts who fear being replaced by better people. Next, Scott tells us about the first segment, “Basalt Adventures,” a commercial he wrote on behalf of a new MiC sponsor, but his explanation was unaccountably beside the point, about the moon and stuff. Don’t believe anything he says. After that we have an extended segment about Kevin’s escape from the Lower Heights Child Labor Force Camp, along with a few fellow intrepid campers, through the sewer, where they of course encounter several prominent media figures. Finally, Tom Selleck—grumpy grandpa mustache himself—tries to persuade the financially vulnerable that they need a reverse mortgage. Trust him, or he’ll hit you with a stick.

Tony and Kevin (and Scott!) begin listing all eleven things that are wrong but halt on Carson Daly, about whom more than eleven things are wrong, so the whole question became overwhelming. They then went on to list what was wrong with the two segments on this episode: “A Man Called Bamby, part 3—the extended version”—in which Mr. Bamby and Michael the bartender/novelist peer through the window into the bar as Mafia Goons Aiden and Largo consult their boss’s mother, Mrs. Giuliani, about how to protect themselves from her son’s wrath, and Bamby’s voice-over persona tries to flirt with Michael’s voice-over persona while lying flat in a near coma, talking to himself. Next, in “Mr. Skids Saves the School Bus Children,” the unreliable, drunken old lout, Mr. Skids, takes a couple of surly teenagers on a bus trip to the Art Museum, but he doesn’t even wake up enough to fall asleep at the wheel. Is this a job once again for 9-year-old Billy? Isn’t it always?