Men in Charge in Brief(s)

This first episode of the season starts with ontological questions: What does it mean to be “Kevin”? Can anyone be Kevin, even Scott? Naturally, they get all the answers they deserve. Meanwhile, Tony and Kevin are out of the Sewer and the Earthen Bunker, where they were quarantined, shivering in the chill until the swine flu pandemic provisionally faded. We say “provisionally” because Americans are “thinning the herd” by flinching from the scary, scary vaccines. Well, more food for the rest of us! There’s lots of herd-thinning too in “Auditioning for Men in Charge,” which takes you behind the scenes as hopeful actors audition for a mere walk-on radio part. Next, “Bad Nancy Drew” (4!) returns: upon their release from prison, Aunt Sally and Gordon Holly plot revenge against Bitsy and Francine! Then, unaccountably, another game show, “Three Truths and a Lie,” in which a difficult contestant exploits the emotional fragility of the host, thinning the herd of hosts!

Chapter 10 takes its succession number seriously, following upon Chapter 9 almost too closely. On Phobos and Deimos respectively, the abandoned Eugene 2000 and Lt. Schickelgruber argue about which one of them is the more marooned. Then, in a dusty Martian diner, Commander Train, with and Ensign Zinn debate with Sammy Kahlua (Martian wet nurse) about the treacheries of ethics and cuisine in a tug of war over a duffel bag full of doomsday weapons. Finally, on board a stolen landing craft, Cadet Trepanier, ex-Ensign Nemesis, and Lt. jg. Lindley struggle over communication problems that should be taken to HR. Meanwhile, on board the Vanguard, Captain Major and Cadet Billy watch as the previously liquified Captain Casey begins to gel into semi-human form. And new sponsors? Yes. Open your wallets here for “Atomic Jelly Bags” and “Gritty Rainbow Gasoline”!

At long last, we now return to the unprofessional antics of the Earth Space Force in the futuristic future: 1992, when the rocket ship Vanguard travels to Mars to put down a Martian rebellion against Earth’s noble empire. As we catch up with the crew, Commander Train and Ensign Zinn, forced to hitchhike on the Red Planet, are picked up by—you guessed it—a Martian wet nurse named Sammy Kahlua. Meanwhile, Lt. jg. Averill Chesterfield III is marooned on Phobos with the spiteful robot Eugene 2000, trapped in a shallow chasm and menaced by fanged chasm creatures! Further meanwhile, Cadet Cindy and Lt. Schickelgruber, who is still strapped to his gurney and without his pain medication, head off in a stolen landing craft to rescue as many of their lost crew members as they care to. And hey, bloggers: Does this episode adhere to Aristotle’s unities of action, setting, and time? Well, yes, if by “unities” we mean “discontinuities”...

In this episode, Tony and Kevin explain why it’s so important to storm the Capitol if you object to, well, to Reality. Petulance fueled by hallucination can be the New Patriotism if we’re willing to be idiots. Moving to the episode’s sketches, in “Unclogging the Spam Filter 14,” we delve deep into Kevin’s past to find out why his mother had to abandon him when he didn’t past a swimming test. Next, in “What’s New with You?” Roger Basement interviews a man who dabbles in Child Psychology—to no avail—what we might have learned from the pandemic. Finally, in “Little Debbie,” we go to a supermarket and listen in on an assault by a violent box of sugary carbohydrates. We are all the Capitol being stormed, apparently…

In this episode, Kevin and Tony examine what happens when you drop two or more American quarters down into a storm sewer, or worse, into Canadian parking meters. In the former case, you can always climb down into the sewer to recover them, but in the latter, your coins are lost forever: hoarded by Canadians to fund Socialism and thus impose health care and other services that in America would be considered antithetical to freedom. So, stay out of Canada, and attend to today’s segments. First, we have back-to-back returns of “Bad Nancy Drew” in which Francine and Bitsy labor to keep their innocent Aunt Sally—and their English teacher, Mr. Holly— incarcerated. Those are followed by a return to “Bingo Night at the Kushners!” Tonight’s gathering at Jared and Ivanka’s includes National Crank Award winner Marjorie Taylor Greene! Finally, Tony and Kevin peddle “Pledge Week Swag,” with more stuff, which, if you buy it, will be another 50¢ down the drain.

You might mistake this for a conclusion of Chronicles of the Schmalkaldic League 3, and if you made that mistake, you'd actually be right. What is the "Revelation of the Huzhon Frisee," who is Baron Keith Random and why does he look so good in board shorts? Find out who gets macerated and who is spared in this startling conclusion!

The most interesting book ever to come out of Johanna Gutenberg's print shop in Heidelberg was the Complutensian Bible--a living, walking, hard candy-hating book of sacred scripture. Agents of Holy Roman Emperor Charles V immediately target the Bible for their own, chasing it to the demilitarized zone of the Hungarian plain where the fierce and intelligent cabbages called the Huzhon Frisee live. Called upon to rescue the Bible and confront the plans of the evil Margaret of Parma and Count Crimsyn, Grimhilda the Psychosomatic Poisoner and Aldo Krasplasian, Hungary's King of Puppets team up with Johanna Gutenberg and "Junker Jorg," the League's disinformation specialist. That's a lot of exposition!

In an episode notable perhaps only for the length of its title, Men in Charge take you back into the "Habsburg-punk" era of the Schmalkaldic League, 16th century Europe's last, best hope against the machinations of the Emperor Charles V. This episode, "Genesis of the Complutensian Bible," introduces a walking, talking book of holy scripture, a miniaturized inventor of the European printing press, King Gustavus Vasa's invention, "the Macerator," and intelligent, hungry vegetables--the Huzhon Frisee! Or maybe you've been relying on these episode descriptions and little too much and we're lying. You'll find out.

A lot of Big Boy thinking went into this episode, one in which the title is actually relevant to its contents. What is “Big Boy” thinking? It’s the kind of unaccustomed exertion that stretches men’s minds, perhaps for the first time, all the way outside of their private circumstances to truly examine the State of Things. So, Alden and Largo, underemployed Mafia Goons, are prominently featured in this episode. First, they cross the street to force “Spunky McBeef’s Pizza Arcade” out of business.

A lot of Big Boy thinking went into this episode, one in which the title is actually relevant to its contents. What is “Big Boy” thinking? It’s the kind of unaccustomed exertion that stretches men’s minds, perhaps for the first time, all the way outside of their private circumstances to truly examine the State of Things. So, Alden and Largo, underemployed Mafia Goons, are prominently featured in this episode. First, they cross the street to force “Spunky McBeef’s Pizza Arcade” out of business. Alas, their Big Boy thinking come all too late. More Big Boy thinking shows up with part two of “Bingo Night at the Kushners.” Jared and Ivanka hope to restore their fortunes by holding Bingo Night at their new home in Lower Heights, but Kayleigh McAnany neglects to bring the sheet cake because, you know, she lies. Then we return to the misfortunes of Alden and Largo for “PallMallMark PAC,” where they are manipulated into lobbying for Big Greeting Card to increase the number of Federal holidays. It’s all way too much for them to figure out.