Mental Mastery

Life has made me ask the question of why a lot this year. Why I am the way I am. Why I care. Why I get frustrated with certain things.

What I’ve learned is that it’s not what I want to know why about, it’s how I ask myself. 

Do I ask myself from a place of frustration or a place of exploration? Am I open to exploring or puzzled at the reaction I have?

Seeking the why is the 2nd level of exploration. The first is appreciating and understanding that something needs to be discovered. It could be the pursuit of a new hobby, a new relationship, writing a book, or a new job. 

Why is a very powerful word. How you ask why is just as important as the question itself!

My challenge to you this week is to ask why about 3 things. 

1. Why are you reactive to certain situations?
2. 1. What is it about that situation that creates the reaction?
   2. Is it a logical or emotional reaction?
   1. Hobbies. Work. Family. Travel. 
   2. What is your why for those things?
3. Why do you do what you do?
   1. This one is the harder one because you may not know
      1. We don’t just explore for the fun of it. There is something there drawing us to it
   2. There is always a reason behind the further exploration
4. Why do you care about exploring why?

This week make those 3 questions become real and let’s see where it takes you. Be open to where you may go with it

I had someone reach out recently and the main question they wanted to ask was if I would talk about how to “be a better me”. When I read that in the email it caught me off guard at first because it didn’t make sense. Then it hit me.

This person was searching for something. They were looking for a foolproof way to “be better”. But be better at what? Being better, isn’t that just a state of self-imagery? A place that you look to see if you are different but in a progressive way?

We have all wanted to be better at some point. Better at our relationships, better in school, sports, better parents, etc. But what in the hell is being better actually? What if you are better now but just don't see it?

So in an attempt to provide that answer let’s do a little searching. Better is being more than you were yesterday. If that is how we are going to define it then how do we measure it? 

I struggled to come up with a topic for today. Why? Well, I didn’t prepare properly and I, historically, Can generally put something together at the last minute. I tend to function best under pressure. But what happens when that doesn’t work out. There are many times that I just can’t slap something together. What then? What happens when your “go-to move” isn’t working?

For me, those times lead to frustration. Deeper struggle. The key to progressing forward is what I have learned to do with that struggle and frustration. I like to double down on that feeling. I hedge my bets on the process and make myself dive deeper. 

I use that as fuel. Fueling me to drive harder and to dig deeper. Sometimes I have to dig a really deep hole in order to find the motivation or the answers. The deeper that I dig, the harder it is to come out of that hole but in the end, I always find but I’m looking for in there.

The struggle is what shapes me and yet it’s the thing that we tend to try to avoid, myself included. The saying goes “embrace the suck” but how often do we truly embrace it? Leaning into it is something I have talked about before but it is much easier said than done.

How do I get through the struggle:

1. Breathe - It will all be alright. The sooner I get my heart rate settled and my mind slows down, the sooner I can nail whatever it is that needs my energy
2. Awareness - Assess the pitfalls of the task. Acceptance of the harder parts of whatever I am going to do allows me to have a plan for when they happen
3. Self Talk - Very important for me is to look in the mirror, sometimes literally, and remind myself that I can and I will. I have fought through harder stuff before and emerged from the smoke. This time is no different
4. Double Down - Really invest me into whatever is needed to complete the task

The word struggle is a word that when we hear, we cringe. We know the context. We know what it means to struggle. 

We work very hard to ensure that our children and family don't feel the struggle. Sometimes we even put ourselves into compromising situations to make sure that those we care about don’t struggle. As a society, we have an extreme aversion to discomfort. 

What if I told you that the struggle is what you need? We are all “from the struggle” whether that is your upbringing, college debt, losing a job, or a failed relationship. The struggle is what shapes us and helps us realize what is really necessary. 

Struggling, and subsequently, surviving a struggle makes us feel accomplished, powerful. It makes you feel like you actually matter.

I want to tell you a little story, a historical one. 

Let’s talk about the year 1519.

This is the year that Hernán Corté and his men arrived on the shores of Mexico. His expedition consisted of roughly 600 Spaniards, 16 or so horses, and his 11 boats. Their goal there was to capture the magnificent treasures that they had heard stories about and conquer the lands. 

In a twist of unprecedented events, Hernán announced to his men to “Burn the Boats”. This sent a clear message to his men. There is NO turning back. They will either accomplish their goal or die trying. They will either win or they will perish. This created a massive rally of his men behind him and within 2 years they succeeded in the conquest of the Aztec empire. 

What should you take away from that? He sacrificed their “comfort” in the conquest. He gave up their safety net because his desire to succeed was so great. SO what should that tell you about your “comforts”

Comfort wants you to stop. Comfort tells you it’s too hard. Too hot. Too cold. Too tired. Too everything. Comfort never encourages you or tells you “go one more”. Comfort tells you it’s ok. You get a participation medal for the attempt. You tried hard. 

Comfort wants you to “try”. Trying doesn’t accomplish anything for anyone. Fuck trying hard. Get hard.

Although these might make sense from the perspective of holding on to a life preserver, they minimize the likelihood of success.

The same holds true in personal relationships. We fear rejection or other undesired outcomes so we float around and don’t take the necessary risk needed to find and sustain deep, fulfilling relationships.

There are times in our life when we need to make decisions even when we are unclear about which path to travel. We gather as many facts as we can, measure the risks, and then use our best judgment and the insights of others to guide us forward. Once we make our decision, we have to be willing to stick with it and not allow fear and second-guessing to derail us. Instead of focusing on the what-ifs, concentrate on the task at hand and the steps needed to be successful.

Safety nets and escape routes can protect us from pain and injury. But they also tend to reduce the effort, focus, and commitment that we invest in a process. Once you have completed your discernment process, you have to be willing to burn the boats behind you and trust your inner voice to pursue your dreams. Never look back.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable, burn the fucking boats!

Noise. Ear pollution. Chatter. Distractions. They are all around us 

Noise is a constant in life. If you are like me you can handle a lot of it, hell even thrive in it at times. 

What do you do when you hit that tipping point and it gets to be too much? My default reaction is to freeze and do nothing. 

I need a list of “rules” to follow to help me navigate these times. I am sharing them with you!

1. Recenter
2. 1. Remember the things that are your life support. The vital things that keep you going and fed. Remember the “essential” things in your life when COVID-19 hit. Do those things
   1. I am not talking about breathing as in guided meditation, although that may be your thing and it may work. I mean everyday life kind of breathing. The breathing of the fresh air outside. Go for a walk. Take 10 minutes and give yourself a bit of space to find that peace. Walk, run, yog, whatever you are into but make it happen
3. Breathe
   1. Go out of your way to show gratitude to everyone. The person holding a door, the gas station attendant, the school bus driver, the credit card bill lady on the phone. The more gratitude you show, the more grateful you earn. 
4. Thank you

Your X-FACTOR is something that sets you apart from others. It is your “superpower”. Oftentimes we do not know what our X-FACTOR is until later in life. Your X-FACTOR is the thing that you can access and use daily to grow, make an impact on someone, or progress toward more success. 

Understanding your X-FACTOR and accepting it is the key to growth. Did you know that once you understand what it is, you can leverage that for good? 

We all know of a sports star or “famous” person who has that X-FACTOR. Jordan, Favre, Sean Connery, Will Smith, Elon Musk, etc. They all have something that makes us recognize them, in a good light. You have that same ability!

What is the one thing that you can fall back on when times get tough? Is it your ability to make people smile? Is it the fact that when it gets tough you can really focus and execute? It could be the thing that helps you to prevail in tough situations and really take advantage of that superpower

The issue is that we don’t all accept that it is something that we possess. Sometimes we don't think it’s possible that we have that. Other times, we know what it is and can really roll with it. Your job is to identify what your X-FACTOR is and find a way to leverage that to help others, grow and be successful. 

We all have it, what’s yours?

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

― Theodore Roosevelt

Let’s break it down a bit more:

1. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better”
2. 1. Meaning: It is not about the people who armchair quarterback. Who point out the shortcomings of those trying something. 
   2. There will always be those who sit back and point at the gaps or errors we make in life. They have a place because without them, we may not always find the fuel to press on in the dark
   1. Meaning: The person who deserves the recognition and support is the one grinding. The one busting their ass to achieve some mission or goal. The one who fails and drives forward. The one who gets knocked down and valiantly stands back up. THAT is the one who deserves the credit
3. “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds;”
   1. Meaning: The person who knows the joys and pains of the process. The one who passionately believes in the pursuit of their path. They are the one who knows the excitement of success and at the very least, if they fail, they will do so with dignity for they put the action into place to dare greatly. 
4. “Who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
   1. It is very easy to sit back and “sharpshoot” others. Whether in their parenting styles, career paths, hobbies or anything they pursue. In the end, you are wasting your energy sharpshooting them. 
   2. Speaking of wasting time, you are absolutely wasting your time by being in the arena looking at those in the crowd and making your next move based on your perception of what you think they want you to do or what they say you should do. 
5. Final Thoughts:

Checking your ego allows you to explore a bit more. Your EGO is trying to kill you, whether by restriction or excessive allowance 

Apology opportunities are a great example of an inflated ego. Our ego wants to maintain a place of dominance. We need to operate from a position of tolerance. 

Operating with a chip on your shoulder. Thinking that people do not understand you, your past, or your experiences. That is what feeds the ego.

Sit down ego, not today...

Is it possible to be too rigid? What happens when we aren't as rigid?

Courage

• Anyone can have positivity but everything is going right. Anyone can believe when things are going right.

• It takes true courage To find that positivity when things are going wrong. It takes true courage to make the moves in the decisions to help you find that positivity

• The real challenge of growth comes when you get knocked down. When you have to start over again. That requires all the courage you can muster 

• The last chapter of your life has not been written. It doesn’t matter what the previous chapters were, you get to write that last chapter

• You have to believe that you can make a difference. You have to believe that you can apply the change that you want to see

Instead of asking why, ask why not

The first step before anyone else in the world believes it, you must believe it