Messy Marriages Podcast

Why is character in important?  Character is the set of capacities needed to meet the demands of reality.  Your internal character structure is made up of four parts that work together to create a strong foundation. Growth occurs by understanding and expanding your capacity in each of the following areas.

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Because God commands a husband to put on love toward his wife and a wife to come across respectfully to her husband (Ephesians 5:33), I have found it fascinating to think of the many ways of applying this instruction to the married.  I believe all of us can grow and take ground in the 19 principles we discuss on the show.

Host: Marc Lucas

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Biblical forgiveness means you release your spouse from a debt owed to you. Forgiveness is not contingent on how you feel about your spouse. It is a choice to no longer blame your spouse for an offense. First Corinthians 13:5 details this in a most straightforward way: Biblical love “keeps no record of wrongs” (NIV). Biblical love doesn’t justify wrong, nor does it ignore wrong, excuse it or pretend it doesn’t exist. All of those types of responses to wrongdoing would lead to enablement. Rather, biblical love acknowledges and addresses the wrong and then forgives and releases it. 

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1. Remind each other of the desire to come out stronger on the other side of the trial.

Trials can either make us or break us as individuals and they can also make or break our relationships. We must choose to encourage each other through a strength-building season.

2. Determine to forgive quickly and easily.

I know that some couples need to talk about every issue in detail. This is how they work through difficulties. And I get it. But ya’ll, at the Woj house, there is not enough time in the day to talk about every issue in detail. We often have to simply forgive one another and get over it. Period. When I’ve poured over the Bible and what Jesus said about forgiving, I could never find a clause that says something like “Forgive one another after you’ve received full explanation of the feelings involved.”  Or “Forgive one another once all the trials have resolved.” No, the Word simply tells us “Forgive one another.” The quicker you forgive, the stronger you can live.

3. Accept the differences in your individual responses to sorrow and suffering.

People grieve at different times in different ways. We can’t control how we feel about issues, but we can control how we react to those feelings. However, we are all human. If your husband feels angry over unfair circumstances and you don’t, allow him time to process his feelings in place of condemning them. If your wife cries uncontrollably over what you feel is small in the bigger picture of the trial, give her the freedom to grieve in her own way. Recognize that you are two different people travelling a path together.

4. Remember to share both the burdens and the blessings.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to beat discouragement is to encourage someone else. Whenever I can find a glimmer of hope to be thankful for in the midst of our daughter’s terminal  illness, I try to be purposeful to share it with my husband. 

5. Spend time alone together whenever you can.

I wish I could give you an exact science to this statement. If only the perfect schedule for marriages existed, right? But we all know it doesn’t work that way. Whenever you possibly can, block out the distractions and connect with each other. Have dates. Drink coffee. Sit on the porch swing. Snuggle by the fire. Carve out time for each other between the necessary tasks of managing a difficult time in life. At times, it may be as simple as sharing a piece of chocolate over the kitchen sink or a brief kiss above the chaos.

Guest: Rachel Wojo

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In your marriage, who or what is the chief object of your affection? To be honest, you can’t always tell my list of priorities starts with God, followed by my wife. You might mention my hobbies, like pickle ball. Or if you spent the day with me, you might say my phone was the chief object of my affection. 

But Scripture says if I love my wife like Christ loves the church (see Ephesians 5:25), then the love I have for her is measured by the sacrifices I am willing to make for her. I want to show her she is priceless. 

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Most of the time, we talk about how to make relationships healthier, accept one another’s imperfections, and take responsibility for ourselves within the context of the lives we have.  But what about relationships that are deeply and consistently unhealthy, despite all our deepest longings and efforts?  Relationships can end in various ways, some much more devastating than others.  How do you control yourself as you navigate a situation that is beyond your control?

Guest: Cinthia Hiett newest book 'Wars to Peace'

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Empathy is important today simply because there is such a lack of it.  When we lay down ourselves and pick up the life of another, we let others know we love them and we're not unaware of what they are going through.  

We can develop a greater level of empathy by entering into the suffering of others in the following ways:

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From Messy to Maintainable: How to Stay Communicative and Organized in Your Marriage

1 - Create Consistent Traditions that Serve Multiple Means - Saturday Coffee, Walk, Connect & Discuss during a Family Review Time. 

2 - Leaning in honestly/openly on each others strengths.

3 - Create a Joint Family Calendar - via iCloud, Gmail, reduces errors and event overlaps while increasing accountability AND awareness for ALL members.

4 - Identify the Lead Social Coordinator - Who heads up which event. We BOTH get emailed but one person is the LEAD. I handle School and he handles sports. We still check in on STATUS of things.

5 - Hearing vs. Listening - Know best times of day AND best ways to communicate it. Do I have his 100% attention, (avoids repeating info) get confirmation, then start with what I need, then discuss. I repeat what was decided as FINAL CONFIRM. Saturday office time together.

 6 - Quiet Time Together - Front Porch Happy Hour, Poolside with Fancy Drinks. Kids have quiet time. 

7 - Rest as a Ritual - Nap taking, sleep mask, headphones, mediation app) lavendar spray, ozone machine & exhaust fan on. Kids can play outside so quiet house or games as treat. When younger graham crackers & milk inside Thomas the Train tent. Taught kids respect and self control. 

Guest: Danielle Wurth

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Your relationships operate similarly to your bank account. Healthy relationships depend on the right balance of deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are actions, like spending quality time together, offering sincere praise, listening and talking honestly with each other, and sharing positive experiences together. Withdrawals are holding boundaries, saying “no”, and offering constructive feedback when needed.

As you make appropriate deposits and withdrawals in your relationship with your spouse, he/she will feel valued, loved, supported and understood. When this occurs, intimacy can take place and the path to partnership is fostered. 

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The attitudes you and your spouse hold toward different circumstances will affect your marriage in a myriad of ways. Good, bad, or clashing attitudes set the stage for how you’ll work together to tackle a problem–or not. That’s why it becomes essential to give your marriage an attitude adjustment from time to time.

It’s a good idea to check in on your attitudes from time to time, and from one situation to the next. The way you look at and approach challenges is largely defined by your attitude toward them. If you want to succeed as a couple, then you’ll need to cultivate positive attitudes in the face of life’s unpredictability.

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