Middle Fingers Up

After taking some time away to look after my own mental health and navigate the absolute roller coaster of perimenopause, it feels really good to be back having conversations with real people about real life.
And we're starting with something that touches every single one of us. Grief.
My guest, Shermin, lost her daughter, Manal, at just 18 and a half years old.

 Since then, she's become certified in grief coaching and trained in trauma-informed practices, hoping to help others better understand grief and how we support those experiencing it.

This conversation isn't only about loss. The mourning period ends, the visitors leave, and everyone else goes back to their lives. The person grieving is still grieving.

We talk about the expectations we place on grieving people, the difference between moving on and moving forward, and why our communities can be so good at showing up for the rituals but struggle with what comes afterward.

We also question something many of us have been taught: that mentioning someone who has died will make the grieving person sad. Maybe saying their name, sharing a memory, or asking about them is exactly what they need.

And we get to meet Manal through her mother's stories. She is so much more than the loss her family experienced.

We all experience grief, but we don't all experience it the same way.

I hope this conversation gets us thinking about how we show up for one another. Not just when someone dies, but in the months and years that follow.

Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do is simply keep showing up.

Connect with Shermin:

Instagram: grieving_mom_yyc, menaal4life

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

PART 5 OF A 5-PART SERIES

Okay, here we are. The final conversation in this series with Moses Farrow.

We've talked about the story, the system, the language and the impact.

And now we're bringing it all together. We talk about what happens when you start seeing things differently.

Moses talks about false narratives, the layers of pain that can come with separation and loss, and why so much of that pain can go unrecognized.

We also get into some bigger questions about what we do with what we've learned.

- What does it look like to question what we've been taught?
- What does it mean to do our own learning?

And: Where do we go from here?


Connect with Moses:

Website: MosesFarrow.com  

Instagram: @mosesafarrow

YouTube: Adoption Deprogrammed

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

PART 4 OF A 5-PART SERIES

In Part 4 we're getting into the impact.

We talk about adoption trauma, identity, loss, truth and some of the things happening in the world around us.

Moses also shares some really personal stories about the loss of three siblings.

We also get into some bigger territory, like how are some of these things connected?

Connect with Moses:

Website: MosesFarrow.com  
YouTube: Adoption Deprogrammed 

Instagram: @mosesafarrow

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

PART 3 OF A 5-PART SERIES

This time, we're talking about language. The words we use and the meanings we attach to them.
Take gratitude, for example.
When we talk about adoption, words like saved, chosen, lucky, grateful, better life and forever family come up a lot.

Moses says: “Really pay attention to our language.”
So that's what we're doing. Just talking about it. Asking questions. Looking at some of the words we might not think twice about.

Why do we say it that way?

Connect with Moses:

Website: MosesFarrow.com  
YouTube: Adoption Deprogrammed Instagram: @mosesafarrow

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

PART 2 OF A 5-PART SERIES

In Part 1, Moses Farrow and I went back into the history of adoption and started unpacking the “better life” narrative.

In Part 2, we move from the story to the system. What happens behind the scenes?

We talk about how easy  child removal has become over years  through poverty, missionary work, White  saviorism, cultural bias and the role of hospitals, churches and social services.

I also bring in some of what I witnessed during my years working in mental health and child welfare, because some of these systems are closer to home than we might think.

Moses says:

“Adoption didn't start off as a child welfare solution. It started off as a trafficking solution.”

So I wanted to slow down and ask:
If this is an industry, what does the system actually look like?

We're peeling back another layer.

Connect with Moses:
Website: MosesFarrow.com  ( articles discussed in EP available on website)

YouTube: Adoption Deprogrammed

Instagram: @mosesafarrow

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

PART 1 OF A 5-PART SERIES

Okay so we thought we were talking about 'adoption'.

But the more Moses Farrow and I talked, the more I realized there was so much more we needed to understand. I got the sense based on the feedback from Moses' previous time on the pod, that you wanted more of this conversation too.

So we decided to do a 5 part series. 
In Part 1, we're going back into the history to understand how we got here. How did we get to a place where "adoption is the option?" What were we taught to believe about children, mothers, families, race and what makes a “better life”? And how much of all of this do we move through every day without thinking twice about it?

This 5-part series is about slowing down and unpacking just that. We're going into the history. The systems. The language. The impact. And eventually, some much bigger questions about humanity and our future.

I'm not coming into this conversation pretending I have all the answers. I'm learning too. And honestly, there were moments where I found myself thinking…
Do I really want to unpack this?
But if we're committed to pursuing the truth, we have to be willing to look at the things we've been taught to believe  and ask how we got here.

This is Part 1. And we're just getting started. This deserves more time.

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

Boy moms… this Gup Shup is for us.

After a recent conversation with my teenage son, I found myself reflecting on something I’ve been really intentional about while raising boys:
creating a home where disagreement feels safe.
IMO,  so many boys grow up learning how to keep the peace… by staying silent but not necessarily how to communicate through conflict.

Especially in a lot of South Asian homes where boys are deeply loved, protected, and prioritized — but sometimes unintentionally taught that speaking up, pushing back, expressing frustration, or holding boundaries feels disrespectful. And because vulnerability is often discouraged in boys, we sometimes only allow emotion once it comes out as anger. So sadness becomes irritability. Overwhelm becomes shutdown. Hurt becomes rage. And emotional expression becomes acceptable only when it shows up loudly.

Later, I see so many adult men struggle with speaking up, communicating honestly, holding boundaries, or balancing the emotional pull between their relationships, their mothers, and their partners.

And honestly, I want something different for my boys. I want them to be able to stay connected to the people they love without losing themselves in the process. I also think when we talk about men’s mental health, we often start the conversation once boys have already become men. But sooooo much of it starts earlier.
We know suicide rates remain incredibly high in men. We know many men isolate their thoughts, suppress emotion, avoid vulnerability, or cope through distraction, overworking, substance use, or anything that helps “take the edge off” instead of  actually processing what they feel.

And I can’t help but wonder how many boys first learned that emotional discomfort should stay inside

In this MFU Gup Shup, I’m reflecting on emotional safety, “good boy” conditioning, parenting with intention, boys and emotional suppression, and why emotionally safe relationships in childhood matter more than we realize.

I don’t believe boys  magically become emotionally avoidant men overnight. And also, I’m not trying to raise “good boys.” I’m trying to raise emotionally whole men.

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

Some conversations stay with you because they answer questions. This one stayed with me because it opened more of them. Patty is back on the podcast after Episode 165 because honestly… we weren’t done yet. I love talking with  Patty because whenever we get together – on or off screen, we ask about the things we have been wondering about. 
Last time we talked about the emotional world of children of immigrants. The guilt. The obedience. The pressure. The ways so many of us learned to survive by being “good.” But underneath that conversation was something bigger around identity, belonging, and what it means to raise children across race and culture.
So this episode became two Brown women sitting together thinking out loud. Curious about interracial relationships. Curious about biracial identity. Curious about the “in between” worlds so many kids quietly navigate every single day.
Patty is an Indian psychologist, writer, and mother who raised two adult Black and Brown daughters in the U.S. and this conversation went far beyond the trap of “love is love.” We talked about the reality that interracial relationships are not all experienced the same way.
Because when a person of colour is in relationship with a white person, there are historical, societal, and systemic power dynamics there whether we name them or not. And part of the responsibility of the non BIPOC partner is not only understanding those dynamics themselves but helping their families understand their role in it too.
We talked about what it means to raise children who may constantly be navigating questions around belonging, visibility, identity, and worth. Kids who may not always have the language for what they’re experiencing but are absolutely feeling it.
And I keep thinking about this idea that whether our biracial kids talk to us about it or not, better believe they are living in an “in between” world. And we as parents are responsible for helping guide them toward wholeness instead of fragmentation. That there is no ‘half, quarter, but wholeness all around.
This conversation is layered, honest, curious, uncomfortable at times, and so so  human. As you know, here at MFU, it is not about having all the answers, but about talking, building our own data. We are just scratching the surface. 
Just two women sitting together trying to ask better questions.

 We would love to keep this convo going, please reach out with your thoughts, feelings, experiences.

 Follow Patty@pjtemple7

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

This episode felt special to me.

I sat down with Harvi — a soon-to-be high school graduate heading into psychology — for a conversation about growing up as children of immigrants, and honestly… it became so much bigger than I expected.

We talked about the invisible weight so many of us carry: the love, sacrifice, and survival behind our parents’ journeys, alongside the pressure to achieve, be grateful, stay “good,” and keep everything together.

And while preparing for this episode, I realized I didn’t want this to feel like a typical interview.

I kept thinking… what if Harvi and I approached this like we were writing a guidebook together? Not one with perfect answers, but one that tries to make sense of the complicated space between immigrant parents and their children.

And somewhere in the middle of preparing for this EP, the title became clear (LOL)
We Turned Out Fine… But Also, Did We?
A guide for immigrant parents, their children, and everything we’re still figuring out in between.

Throughout this conversation, we unpack:
-what our parents carried through migration, survival, and intergenerational trauma
-how pressure can sometimes be disguised as protection
-the “good daughter” role, how our mothers pass what they know down through their day to day,  and how it shapes identity
-the myth of balance and why busyness often replaces peace
-mental health stigma in South Asian and immigrant communities
-achievement-based self-worth, perfectionism, and emotional suppression
-what it means to unlearn survival patterns that were once praised
and the complicated space between empathizing with our parents while still being honest about the impact certain things had on us


What I loved most about this conversation is that it never became a blame game. It became about curiosity. About trying to understand what shaped our parents… while also being honest about what shaped us.
Harvi brought so much wisdom, honesty, and gentleness into this conversation, especially as someone still living these experiences in real time. Huge shout out to this young, wise soul!
So whether you’re a parent trying to do better, a child of immigrants trying to understand yourself, or someone somewhere in the middle of both — I hope this episode makes you feel seen.
And maybe even gives you language for things you’ve felt for a really long time.

Instagram: harvi.gilll

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.

This episode is dedicated to our bodies.
The Brown ones. The bloated ones. The strong ones. The “why is my head filled with negativity about my body" ones.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we  were taught to fix our bodies  before fully living in them. How little we learned to trust our gut, to understand the connection between mind and body. And how hard it is now to tune in.

This week on Middle Fingers Up, I sit down with Andrea: a South Asian mental health professional and content creator based in Australia --to talk about body image, fitness culture, the flat belly myth, BMI, hormones, and the exhausting experience of trying to achieve a beauty standard many of us were literally never built for.

We talk about:

-striving for a whiter ideal(even when we think we aren't. )
-why generic health advice often fails Brown women
-and how our  body becomes something we monitor instead of something we build a relationship with. 

One of the biggest takeaways?

We may not be able to stop people from commenting on women’s bodies. Those aunties, guys and society...But we can stop turning those comments into our identity.

Also: maybe the goal isn’t a flat stomach.
Maybe the goal is finally taking up space without apologizing for it. The tummy is the new black.

Listen now if you’ve ever:
avoided the photo,
changed your outfit 14 times,
or believed your worth increased every time your body got smaller.

Middle Fingers Up to all of it.

Instagram: andreasamtani

Support the show

If you like what you hear please click on "subscribe" or "follow" -  It's free and you will get notified when the newest episodes are posted!  Check us out on Instagram, X, and YouTube @mfupodcast. Give feedback, middle finger recommendations as well as random thoughts to [email protected]. Thank you for listening!

In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.