Midnight Wisdom

19:20 08.10.2023 I decided to record myself writing with my webcam and Rode Mic. At some point I acknowledged how really angry I was at my dad, being in the hospital, starting smoking again, not calling any of us when he was alone and only sending us angry shit. I didn't tell any of my friends or colleagues about this and was carrying it with myself for two weeks almost without venting at all. I blew up in a voicenote I was sending him.

I got in touch with my rage for the first time in my life. A real anger that was clear and didn't care much for other people's nonsense. That I always accommodate for people's feelings instead of my own. I left the apartment, saw Yassine, my housemate, in a bar with some other neighbors. I insulted him in front of everyone (I spilled two liters of water in front of both of our doors in the apartment as payback a flooding he did before), I left them, went and took the train, shared my anger with whoever I could online, drove to see Felix in Hermanstrasse, went to bar, drank whiskey, met and girl and we went as a group back home with her. She's coming over in half an hour again.

It's been such an intense week. One of the fastest I've experienced because just a second ago it was Sunday from last week. I went from a full moon that made me feel I could write the world if I kept writing (but then I went to a full moon circle event that was garbage), and now I have that urge to write but no inner soul to write from. It's a disgusting place to be in.

I called in sick on Friday (this rage episode was on Thursday), and then I went to volunteer with the kids on Saturday. Yunis lost his shit, bit me, and started attacking people and throwing things. My hands got scratched trying to hold him. I feel hurt from that, and I'm not doing so well today. Bought flowers with Sien in the morning. Was good to just talk to someone.

Sex education season 4 is out. That's awesome. I love it. But a lot of past characters are gone and that's a little shit. So far there is no bigger overarching narrative like the 'bad principle' in season 3. So that makes it lose some zast.

I should start going to the office again. I am using someone's help to become a beat81 coach. I want to go back to focusing on finishing books before doing all the rest of the things I keep saying I should do.