Midnight Wisdom

25.09.2022 23:48 I’m feeling good as a person. The internal world and outer are matching better. The math of things is a bit clearer. From art, people and money. I want to train skills more often. Frisbee, balancing and juggling. The ADD is better managed. Brain.fm is helping. I haven’t been eating things in a way that spike my glucose. Consistent in Calisthenics. Now to find peace in a writing habit and learning. Things can move, I can die. It’s fine. Where would I go anyway? It’s all so much larger than what I am and could ever think it is anyways.

23:25 18.09.2022 Sunday. I write to myself with spoken words. I wake. I share my dream with you. I share my dream, oh what a wonderful dream it was. I share it with you. What do you dream next?

Sunday 23:47 11.09.2022 got back from London. Friend to my left helped me with internet. Full moon two nights ago. Glucose Revolution. Laith, Sara and Mousa are awesome.

04.09.2022 18:84 Sunday in London leaning on a wall with some graffiti. Pink, white, stripes of blue, black and some grey, and then yellow at the bottom. “It’s not what you think.” “So you’re not talking to a pretty lady?”

Aufgenommen 27.08.2022 21:00 Hochgeladen 28.08.2022 22:22 Ich habe entschieden, auf Deutsch auf zu nehmen, weil es wichtig ist dass ich mich höre. Ich habe die Aufnehmung heute auf dem Weg zum Beat81 strength and Cardio gehört. Schon ein paar Sachen gelernt. Ich habe im Fitnessstudio eine übergewichtige “unsolicited advice” gegeben. Davon schon was gelernt. Dann habe ich mit meiner Mutter gesprochen.

Recorded 24.08.2022 20:39 Uploaded 28.08.2022 22:06 It was negative energy I felt after I spoke with my uncle (ammo in Arabic) Ziad. We spoke for an hour and a half, and it became clear to me the man loves himself his thoughts first and foremost. He insults people, creates problems, makes bad decisions, and complains about how unhappy he and his wife are although it was there decision to move into our house in Palestine. I sent him a message telling him how it still hurts me that he shouted at my mom, someone who took care of his daughter when she was studying in Dubai without asking for anything in return. He sent the voicenote to my sister and all of his siblings. And his justification was “inta jarahtny bi hay il kilmeh”. I learned this after I sent him this voice message. I lied when I said that was all I said to my brother. I spoke to my mom about this yesterday while I was walking home after the gym (will upload a recording while going there) and she told me how we’re similar like that. That we think being honest and justifying and justifying and justifying is going to help us. Some people will not and won’t listen to justification. We should not open ourselves up to people as though that is a solution. Still, I’ll say it here, my uncle is a narcissist. I disliked our conversation, I disliked his sense of morality and rationale, I disliked his pride, and I dislike him. I think it was after Ammo Khalid’s death that the family lost it’s sense of “we are for each other”. I want to explain how my uncle is wrong. My sister and my mom said “ikhtisir Khalid” I have the sense that he needs to know that how he thinks and what he does is wrong. But he is an ignorant soul that is suffering. I do not need to suffer myself to suffer them more. Cutting useless threads is my job. If he was ever going to change he would have done it a long time ago. Thanks for talking Mama. You have such lovely wisdom and I am fortunate to be privy to your voice in that privacy before sleep.

Recorded 23.08.2022 Tuesday 8-9 PM Uploaded 28.08.2022 22:02 I decided to take a walk and enjoy the night, that doesn’t happen so often. I spoke of the Tau Te Ching. And the conversation evolved into my anger. And such it is with people you recommend Vivobarefoot shoes to. I listened to this this week. Most of it.

22:21 Sunday 21.08.2022 I came back home, showered, talked to my housemates about being shirtless or not being shirtless in the house. I seemed to have been overestimating all the situations that happen at home. I did laundry, checked amazon for things I want to get, downloaded books, dead breathwork for 25 minutes (amazing) and recorded this. I ate chips yesterday night and it was surprisingly cloudy. Incredibly. Yesterday was a full day too actually, I forgot to mention what happened. Another time.

22:38 14.08.2022 I was happy about the 12th of August. I thought I like days that show a clear progression since my birthday (12th of June). I’m focusing on keeping perspective. On not losing myself to the constant and fast movement around me. Taking a step back from it all in my own way and reassessing, healing and moving on from things I have been holding on to for so long, thinking that I can fix those things by holding on to more. I am grateful that I am allowed to share my voice with you, you are what keeps it alive. I am fasted. I have done a hot yoga session today (1.5h), I took a 45 minute walk. How are we basing our decisions on what stays or not? I’m glad this recording stayed.

Recorded 08.07.2022 at around 6 pm in front of Netto. This episode is about me after Vipassana, seeing Deena, seeing Waad. And I’m here now thinking: “it’s interesting what I said and the place I was in then. I’m somewhere else now. That sex can put us in childish places, and that thinking someone else could ever be a solution to you is wrong.