Friday night after a long week, took it completely for myself. 

I got a new pocket microphone that I set in front of me but I was pointing it to the tv and not to me, so that gave more focus to the game audio and not me. 

Smoked a big bong hit and played Metro: Last Light. Fun game. 

Communists living in the metro underground after nuclear fallout. 

I reflect about a lot but I haven't listened to it yet.

I'm creating a type of suffering in myself I don't need to experience.

I hurt myself with my anger. I hurt myself with thinking the world we are in will collapse soon. I feel like we're not doing something so fundamental right. I can't point my finger on it. And that doesn't help at all. 

As if I can find and hold an answer. And once I do everything is going to be okay. 

That's not true.

10th of June. 2 days till 24. 

I woke up early, in a time period where it's always bright. And I hate the lack of balance in that. I hate a lot of the patterns I've been going through lately, of thoughts, in work, with the phone, with things. 

I see this rage reflecting into damage that goes straight into me.

I cut my hand breaking a plate. 

Fuck everything.

I didn't even care to record something about how I felt about turning 24 soon. Who cares really. I am what I am.

Anyways, I'm going to be in Hamburg then. Let's see what I feel then.

It's the 6th of June 2020. And the main circulating topic in my being right now is my back. It's been hurting for so long now. 3 and half months of not moving properly, not being able to stretch completely and wholeheartedly, not being able to exercise completely, getting tired quickly and feeling a damn stinging pain at the core of being so often. 

At first I prided myself for being able to handle the pain as I tried to work it out by stretching and massaging the area. 

Now I'm just sick of it. 

I talk about other things too. I'm going to listen to this one tomorrow morning.

01.06.2020

They pass, they change, they fade. But I'm still me.

I met some wonderful people, Eric and Charla. 

I'm here.

24th of May 2020. I noticed I tend to try to internalize different states that I find relevant to where I am at the moment. Right now, it's presence and being able to hold on to larger amounts of tension without being fazed by any of it. Without flinching. Let freedom reach its form because of your ability to contain it. 

Internalizing the state. Pure of being. Of awareness and truth. 

I write it down, I react to it no longer. I remove my shackles, and I find myself pure with momentum, pure with force.

"Keep your attention. Boredom is a lack of attention." 

"It's fine."

"It'll come back to you."

"I don't know what I won't."