Midnight Wisdom

I felt like I did something irreversibly bad. And I couldn't bring myself to think it came from anything that I actually did. It made me think of the direction I'm taking, and where I am. As someone who's always trying to follow a true path, what does something like that even mean?

I don't get to any answers really. I just really feel alright with whatever as long I'm true to my intelligence.

I mentioned a few things I could potentially be afraid of but I missed a few.

That's one of the heavier ones I can think of.

A few other fears:

1- not being able to settle in a place I can call home soon.

2- having to go back to Jordan because I couldn't renew my visa or find a job to keep it going.

But I'm alright with either.

If I have any advice, just look at what makes you afraid.

Recording on the lsp4 and I'm still getting used to it. Not the best choice when going walking around without a lavier mic. I wish I had something that can record me on spot without all the hassle. 

Yeah. 

10.08.2020

How do you inspire loyalty in people?

:)

07.08.2020 

Johannes left on the 6th. Another friend came on the 7th. I came back from a hiking trip with the boys from the 31st to the 2nd. 

I reflect on leaving the job, next steps, and contraband substances like truffles.

It's life, there's mistakes, it's alright.

Best,

K

28th of July. 

I had my "End of Probation Chat" at 6:30 pm Tuesday 28th of July. I went in with a solid frame of mind, after 2 weeks off to re-calibrate and doing two solid days of work. I re-framed the situation and went in knowing exactly how I'd ask for a raise. 

I was let go.

From someone I was fiercely loyal to but didn't completely fit with. I over-estimated him, his boss, and how much I could have learned from these people, they're just weak, preoccupied and selfish with themselves like most others, or at least I saw a side to them that I didn't like and I was alienated very quickly afterwards.

It's a fun game. I recorded this directly afterwards. I took a long walk, found a beautiful graveyard, sat down on a tree hunk and talked.

What a narrative I had in my head, and what a narrative I have now.

But what makes these illusions different from reality? I was there, working, every day. Almost like a dead person but doing my best to keep what I feel is valuable about myself alive. I wouldn't have quit willingly, but now that the bandage is taken off, I'd never willingly put it back on either. 

I would have endured if I was still in it, but now that I'm not I'm very glad for the freedom.

Who's to say anything is an illusion? All I know is that I shouldn't have worried or thought about any of it so much. Or cared to prove anything to anyone in any way. Or to make anyone like me for any reason. Everyone liked me, and that clearly helped my case (sarcasm). The one person I thought should like me really did, but for all the wrong reasons, and I didn't see it coming from him. I guess I assume people I trust trust me back and know me for who I am. Anything he wanted to say I would have listened, he just didn't. And I don't think that's on me.

I remember asking him for three days off when my toe almost broke, I was nervous to even ask, and he didn't help in making me feel good about it, and then he only gave me two. He didn't bother to ask me directly afterwards why I thought I needed it, or to empathize and listen in any way. I then went out and got two weeks for my own. No wonder.

I'm not complaining though. What happened happened as it needed to. And I'm glad it did.

Hope he enjoyed it. 

26.07.2020

I almost forgot to say that.. for the longest time I had anger. And I'm not angry anymore. Wonderful how I forgot to mention that.

I almost forgot what it was, to be here, real, me and myself.

I wish I talked about my finances more. Instead of just saying "I'm broke." or "I have till then and then to be broke"

I will talk about my finances.

To see something, not articulate it in that sense, but to know how to dance with it further. To transform and elevate that dance. I took two weeks off for a toe injury. I dated and broke up with a poly-amorous girl and now I'm dating another. Put the energy into reorganizing my room. and therefor myself and my life.

P.s me and my roommate spar often. And he punched my bicep and it went numb. I really like that move. Punch the bicep and then directly in the face. Fighting is so wonderful. I'll get back to it in August again. Sustainably and properly. With a hardened hard against idiots who damage unknowingly. Idiots who think their fight is real. Funny thought cause it could apply to myself. Everyone's fight is their fight. But I will fight with a full heart.

Best,

Your Khalid

15.07.2020 Recorded on my new lsp4.

I had to admit I might be a bit mad when I listened to the first few minutes of this. I had the recorded next to me in the bathtub as I stood in cold water. Then I started shadow boxing in the bathtub. 

I went through in my head about things that I've been thinking about. 

How love brings out the worst in people, and how lovebirds can go to being distant fiends in a single breath. Not that I particularly loved this girl, but I can see how she traps herself in her own delusions. 

A part of me wants to show her how wrong she is, a part of me wants to make it clear to her what I feel is wrong about her, and her insecure persian roommate who talks too much and barely listens. Both trapped in a cycle of gossip that I wasn't even involved in but was the eventual subject of. 

I guess I'm pissed I'm seen in a light I know I'm not, but I guess things like this are natural when it comes to matters of the heart.

So let her be herself. And I'll continue being the best of myself. I do not owe anyone anything. I don't need to try and change what I think is wrong about her. Who really knows if anything really is wrong. It's up to her to reflect. I guess I just know she won't do that the way I would. Of course that's the case. no one reflects like I do. And that's also my own opinion. 

I know the fallacy of my own thoughts, and what troubled me the most is that I thought she knew that. She was vulgar and objectifying on more than one occasion, and then suddenly, I was the one who was arrogant and only thought that the version I saw things were right. She really didn't get me at all. 

All because an I sent a voice message to her roommate 2 weeks after I stole the girl he invited to Cristina's birthday party saying "You stopped being yourself to get a girl attracted to you, and that's wrong. It doesn't matter if Cristina, you or In__ left me and never talked to me again. All that matters is being true to myself, and that's what you should try to find too. Be okay with letting people go and stop texting them over and over again expecting that will benefit you somehow." 

I waited 2 weeks before sending that because I wanted to see how'd he react. He kept texting In__ and texting her and texting her. And when I sent him that message, I was on a walk with In__ in the part when she told me "Oh, Mo's calling me." After we parted ways I sent him a message asking him what he was up to now? And sent Cristina a voice message trying to mend the relationship.

Funny how she can be hypocritical like that and not see it. The weakness I see in people surprises me sometimes.

Friday night after a long week, took it completely for myself. 

I got a new pocket microphone that I set in front of me but I was pointing it to the tv and not to me, so that gave more focus to the game audio and not me. 

Smoked a big bong hit and played Metro: Last Light. Fun game. 

Communists living in the metro underground after nuclear fallout. 

I reflect about a lot but I haven't listened to it yet.

I'm creating a type of suffering in myself I don't need to experience.

I hurt myself with my anger. I hurt myself with thinking the world we are in will collapse soon. I feel like we're not doing something so fundamental right. I can't point my finger on it. And that doesn't help at all. 

As if I can find and hold an answer. And once I do everything is going to be okay. 

That's not true.