#107: Do You Say No Enough?

Welcome to the Mindset for Life podcast. This is Bethanie, your coach from Dr. B coach.com. Coaching with power, purpose and practical tools to help you show up with confidence.

Welcome to the podcast. So excited to have you with us. Today we're going to talk about saying no, in fact, the question today is, do you say no enough? Do you need to say no more often? Do you feel like your time is sucked away and you have no control over your opportunities or your time? If that's you, it's definitely time to think about saying no much more often.

There was an episode some time ago about you saying no too much. And that episode was about saying no to yourself, saying no to the things that you care most about saying no to your priorities. But today's episode number 107, we're talking about saying no much more often. So if you don't say no to other people, you are in fact saying no to yourself.

And you might be saying yes to things that you really want to do. These are great opportunities, great things that you want to go participate in people you want to be with. But in the end, it's not really what you want long term. So you get caught up in this whole time suck.

There's no time left, you're exhausted, you're overcommitted, you're overwhelmed. And you're wondering where to draw the line, how you can really stop the madness. And now it's time to start saying, No.

Today we're going to talk about this, gonna give you a couple of tips to help you say no to the things that you want to say no to give you a little courage on that. And we might as well dive right in.

Our time and commitments change as we age.

I just want to give you a little bit of background about myself as a person. I grew up with many, many options and opportunities. I was very blessed, very fortunate in my young life. I was in music, I learned piano from third grade onward. And I was in band, I got to play the trumpet, the flute, the tenor saxophone, and a bunch of other instruments too, when I was still in public school, so I had a lot of opportunities. As a result, I wrote music. So I composed music when I was a young person. And when I was a senior in high school, I wrote a musical. This musical had a lot of songs and a lot of speaking parts. And I wrote all the songs. And I recruited all my friends to be in the musical. Lots of people at my church came and made a nice, big audience. And I played the piano for all of those songs.

So I accompanied all of those songs too. I was pretty involved. I just did a lot of stuff. And I was also a science kid. So I took chemistry and physics and all the things that I loved. Early in high school, I took biology, in junior high, and there's just a lot that I was doing. I was not into sports, I was not a sports person. And that probably would have really made my time crazy and out of control. Because as you know, music activities take a lot. But I can speak from a place of knowing when I say it's easy to sign on for the next thing and the next thing until pretty soon, you want to do everything. You just want to do it all.

And when you're in that space, you don't know what you should choose and what you shouldn't. You're just going to say yes to all those activities. And in my young life, I felt that was okay, because there were very few actual responsibilities. But as an adult, that's dangerous.

We can't say yes to every single thing. If we take on every work project, if we take on every presentation opportunity, if we take on every chance for advancement or something new and special, we're going to be exhausted.

The other side of that coin is that if we say yes to everything, no one else gets a chance; no one gets an opportunity. No one gets to test themselves or shine or grow or contribute. So there's that too. And that's really important to be thinking about when we're choosing to say no. If we give someone else the opportunity in an area that we really need to get out of, that's such a good thing for them. So it can bring us a little bit of courage there.

Why do we say yes too much?

Well before you decide how to start saying no, let's just look at one or two maybe of the top reasons why you personally say yes all the time. Or maybe you say yes more than you'd like to say yes. On the positive side of saying yes when you really mean to say no.

Are you afraid to miss out on an opportunity? If you're chasing a particular avenue in your career or your life, and some opportunity comes along, and you're thinking, "Whoa, I need to do this," you might say yes when you know you don't have the time for it. And it's really bad timing for you generally. But you're chasing opportunity.

Has that ever happened to you? It's definitely happened to me. In fact, I'm always looking for those opportunities that are going to line up with what I want to do professionally. So when one of those opportunities comes along, I try my very best to take advantage of it or to engage in it, unless I already am just maxed out. And sometimes I actually have to say no, and I don't get to participate. And then I just have to let that go. And the good thing is, that opportunity will be helpful to someone else. That's a good thing.

Sometimes we say yes, when we should say no, because we don't want to hurt people's feelings, or we don't want to disappoint someone else. Maybe we're afraid we will seem kind of selfish, for not giving to a project or something like that. Maybe by taking the time we need for ourselves or our family life, we do feel selfish, when of course, that's the complete opposite. You've got to recharge or you have nothing to bring into those projects later.

Maybe we're afraid we're going to offend people, or we really do just want to help other people. So we say yes to their requests, when we really just don't have time for it. There's also that possibility that we want people to like us, and they're definitely going to when we're helping them out. So if we have the time and the space, we could say yes. We'd like to say yes.

We avoid saying no when we are feeling like the other person is kind of mean, like maybe they're bullying us. They expect us to do something. They're demanding we do something. And it's really hard. And we just don't want to get into a conflict with them. So we're just going to not say no, we're gonna say yes to that. There are just so many.

And the last one I just want to share is the people pleasing possibility. We just like to make people happy with us and feel pleased.

There are so many. Did anything stand out for you? A couple of those definitely are my bells that ring. And I hope you'll identify your own and just really figure out: What are my triggers? Just saying yes when I really should say No; when you can identify that, it's going to help you see it coming. You'll be ready for it. Much more prepared to have the courage to say no, when you ought to.

Now that you have some kind of idea, what resonates for you, or what comes up for you? That is your reason that you might avoid saying no.

How to say no.

Let's think about ways that you could actually communicate the NO and say you're not going to do something.

The first one, of course, is the obvious just be direct. No, thank you, I'd rather not participate. Thanks for the invitation, I'm going to pass this time, whatever it takes, right, be direct. That's all you have to do. Now, if you're stalling, if you're delaying the answer because you're feeling really awkward about it, you don't really know what to say, just get to the point and find a way to communicate. Because the longer you take to say no, the the harder it is, and it just really makes it difficult for you. And it also makes the other person go longer getting their hopes up that you're going to do this thing, whatever that might be. So don't delay if you know it's a no, don't stall.

The other idea is to own your decision, which means you made it you don't have to explain it or defend it. You don't have to give 30 reasons why your answer is correct. If you're going to say no, then you can just take that ownership and say, "I choose not to do this." And thank you very much. I know this is painful for you, for me to say no. For me to say no to this opportunity or whatever. I'm just going to choose to opt out this time.

There's this thing people do where we start to make excuses for our decisions. We try to explain why. That is an invitation for the other person to give us 50 reasons why we should change our mind. If you give a lot of explanations and reasons and rationales when you have to say no, I want to encourage you to let that go stop doing that. You can be direct in on your decision and you don't have to give lots of reasons why. So letting that go helps it to be more clear, more concise, more effective.

The other thing is, offer an alternative if you can. Suggest someone else who can do the job or another way to achieve the goal that can help the other person really feel like you're not just saying no, but you're also still caring about them. As you think about saying no remember, it's all about focusing on what you care most about, and being able to do it within the limits you have available. You can do this, give it a shot. Think about it this week and here's to the best version of you that we know is coming out.

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

#106: How to Set Priorities for Your Time

Welcome to the Mindset for Life podcast. This is Bethanie, your coach from Dr. B coach.com. Coaching with power, purpose and practical tools to help you show up with confidence.

We're gonna talk about a mindset to set priorities around your time.

What if there were these road signs in your life? Like you're driving around and you see a stop sign or a green light. What if in your life, these signs just sort of popped up in the corner of your view? What if you could just see exactly what the right choices were? And you didn't have to think so much about it? Wouldn't that be amazing.

And of course, that's not going to happen, because life doesn't work that way. In fact, if we had signs popping up all the time, telling us exactly what priorities to set, and how to manage our time, it would drive us crazy. Most of us would be super frustrated that we didn't have any choices at all. And of course, life is all about choices.

Choices about what we do with our time, who we spend our time with, what we make important to us in our lives, and about the priorities we decide are most important for us. Well, I have news for you today. What you are spending your time on right now in your life in this season tells the whole world including you what your true priorities are.

That's right, whatever you are spending all of your time doing, that tells us what your priorities might be.

I used to think that I was just too busy all the time, I would be studying, reading, doing some kind of learning activity. And I would also be doing something like working full time, maybe I was taking care of my family trying to raise my kids. Pretending and trying very hard to have a clean house, but failing miserably. And telling the story that I just didn't have enough time for all of this. And I could never quite measure up.

In fact, I think I lived in sort of this fight or flight constant state of overwhelm, thinking, I couldn't control all these things in my life, because they were all important. I needed to do all of these things.

Fast forward several years, many years, and I'm a lot older, and I have a lot more life experience. But I've learned a lot too. Perhaps you know what I'm talking about when I think about my priorities. So when I think about the way I spend my time, and I decide what I want to do with my time, if I look over the day, I can honestly say what my priorities are. If I want to sit and watch YouTube videos all day long, then leisure and loafing and relaxing and watching crazy stuff, that's going to be my priority.

But if I want to get up really early, and I go for a walk, do a little bit of stretching, take care of my physical exercise first, and then I get the dishes done. And then I run upstairs and do some of my work, make a few phone calls, connect with some people, and take care of my dog. And also spend time with my husband on the phone at lunchtime. All those things tell me that I have a lot of priorities. But I'm gonna do them in a way that helps me to touch those people that matter. Have that face time that I care so much about as an extroverted person. I'm also I'm going to break it up.

So I have a lot of energy and I can really manage my energy. One of the best things I could possibly do for myself is to exercise or walk first thing in the morning. Then get it done so I can check that box. But also it sets the tone for my whole day gives me a ton of energy makes me feel amazing.

What are your top priorities?

What you think about how you want to get up in the morning? What do you want those first 15 or 20 minutes to look like for you? Do you want to relax and leisurely get up out of the bed and calmly kind of ease into the day? Or do you want to leap out of bed and have your guns blazing (metaphorically speaking) and jump into action and be super energetic? Attack the day like you have all sorts of energy?

Whatever you choose, whatever method you choose to start the day, that is one of your priorities.

And another priority would be whether you plan things before starting them or whether you just jump right into them. Today I was talking to a most wonderful human being that I've known for a while now. And this person was telling me what they were up to. They were sharing all kinds of trips they were going on and business endeavors they were doing. And this person wanted to know how they could set more limits, how they could figure out what to say no to.

And when we were talking, it kind of became clear. Well, what we're spending our time on, that is our top priority. So even if it feels like someone else is making all the choices, or you have to take advantage of all these opportunities, the truth is what we choose to do with our time and where we choose to put our best effort is our priority.

What do you want your priorities to be?

What do you want to look back on a year or two from now, and be able to say for yourself? 10 years from now, maybe 20? At the end of your life?

What do you want to look back on and be able to say, That's what I was all about? That's what I cared most about? And you could tell by the way I spent my time?

If you truly value something, if it's important to you, you will spend some time on it every single day. That's right. If you never get to that one thing that you say you care about, or that you believe that you care about, chances are it's not a priority for you.

Once you line up what you really care about, you kind of figure it out, decide what your top priorities should be for you to be happy. And by the way, when I use the word "should" on that, I'm kind of using it lightly. It's self imposed, we choose what we need to have as our top priorities. So if you're saying I "should" do this, what you're really saying is, that's what I want to do.

That's what I feel to do. But for some reason, I'm not doing it, I'm doing something else. Whatever it is you should do to put your priorities at the top.

Think about the road ahead, and what your focus really is. What are you trying to achieve? What are you running after? And what makes you happy? What is most important to you? Now, what's important to you about those things you're doing right now in your life?

Now, once you've been able to answer those questions, your mindset gets focused on designing your time around those things you care most about. Because time is so limited, you cannot waste it, and you cannot work 25/8, instead of 24/7, you just can't.

So we're gonna have to find the courage to disappoint a few people, we have to follow through on those things that are your top priorities, but also make choices. And that's where we end up doing that disappointing that I mentioned. Other people will decide for us what our priorities are. Maybe it's our mother, maybe it's our friends, our spouse, our co workers, our manager, our neighbors, our children.

All of these people want us to be a certain way. And maybe it is part of who we really are. But we cannot just live bouncing from expectation the expectation that other people have. I'll share one with you that's kind of on my mind. From my past long ago, when I went to college, I had to go away from home.

It was a long ways away from my home. And I hadn't really lived that far away from the great state that I was born in. So that was a new experience. And when I got there, for the first time in my life, I felt totally free of other people's expectations. I did not grow up in the time where there were cell phones and computers everywhere. No, the only way I was going to hear from people at home was if they called me on the telephone or sent me a letter.

And I wrote a lot of letters. I got letters in the mail constantly. And I wrote letters all the time. It's quite a letter writer.

So when I was growing up, other people's expectations were constantly expressed. Oh, we really hope you're going to do this. Oh, we can't wait for you to do that. For some reason, a lot of people who knew me expected me to go to college. And many of them expected me to become a band teacher. In fact, when I actually did become one many years later, lots of these people told me, Yep, you were always going to be a band teacher, you told us that. We are not surprised.

But when I went to college, I thought, I'm going to choose what I really want to do. And I'm not going to let everyone else's expectations set my priorities for me. I could choose whether to sleep in or get up early. I could choose whether to exercise or not. I could choose whether to go to church or not. And I could choose what I was going to do for my college degree for the rest of my life for my career and all of those things.

And of course I did end up choosing, after several degree changes and lots of elective classes. I did choose to become a music, major music education. And with my 180 credits, I graduated with a bachelor's degree and became a music teacher. But it was nice to have that space to decide what my priorities would be.

What about you? Have you had those experiences where you really think you're living by everyone else's priorities for your life? You feel tossed around by priority after priority or emergency after emergency, whatever it might be? How can you grab the reins and start looking at what matters most to you?

Maybe it's actually the things you're really doing. But maybe it's not. Whatever it is, if you can start looking at it a little more objectively and intentionally and start realizing what does make you happy, what you really do want to achieve what is most important to you, some of that other stuff is just going to fall out of your life, it's just going to fade away.

And if it is a priority and needs to be done, you'll find a way to fit it in, and then it'll leave you. So as you're thinking about the road ahead, your focus for what you're trying to achieve,

#105: A Mindset to Know that You Matter

This is episode number 105, A mindset to know that you matter. This is the mindset for life podcast. This is Bethanie, your coach from Dr. B coach.com. Coaching with power, purpose and practical tools, to help you show up with confidence.

Welcome to the Mindset for Life podcast, I'm very excited to share with you today the topic, which is about how much you matter. This is about a mindset for knowing that you matter. And how can you do this? That's pretty crazy, right? Because don't other people help us to know that we matter or make an impact or make a difference in the world?

I'm going to challenge that notion today. In fact, I think it's our job to decide that we matter and to know that we matter. It's not other people's job to tell us or to convince us of how much we matter. And when we decide that we matter as much as other people, we can show up more authentically and better than we ever could before.

So today we're going to talk about how you matter and how to develop a mindset to know that you matter. We're just going to jump right in.

We all want to be seen, known, and loved.

I was talking with someone earlier today who wanted to be seen just wanted to be noticed, acknowledged and appreciated at work. And when I was talking to this man, it was pretty obvious that he did not feel like his work made much of a difference. In fact, he wanted to know that he mattered. He started looking for other jobs a few months back and toyed with the idea of leaving his position to go to a new role. And he also kind of had his fingers in way too many situations happening in his life, because he wanted to feel like he mattered.

After we discussed it a few times, that's what came out in the conversation. I could not have known that unless we explored it. And he didn't realize it until he hit on an either. Really all those things he was doing were just ways to try to get some feedback, try to get some knowledge about himself.

Don't we all do that? Sometimes, we just look for ways to know that we exist. That we belong, that we make a difference. That somebody sees us, that they care about us. It's the greatest feeling in the whole world to be truly seen, known and loved for who you really are. And in the roles that we play, there are so many opportunities to get this kind of feedback. The question is, how can we develop it for ourselves so we're not just people pleasing all the time, looking for affirmation and feedback?

Notice where you influence, and take note.

The first thing I'd like to suggest today is to look at all of the ways that you influence. There are so many things that you do in your daily life that influence situations, people. If you have a pet, even. You can think about the family dog. We have one.

He's about what a year and a half old. Before that we had a dog that was 13 years old, when he finally finally passed away. They overlapped a little bit. So we still had our older dog when we got the younger dog, and with any of those animals, they cared. They wanted to follow us around the house. Sure, they thought we were going to give them treats and play with them. Yes, that's true. But they also really just wanted to love us.

The older dog that I'm talking about was our Golden Retriever named Buddy. He was the sweetest dog ever. And he would just go under my desk when I was working and put his head on my shoe. And just love me while I was just doing my work ignoring him. He was so full of love, and he never really seemed to ask for anything. And if you're not familiar with this, I just want to say that golden retrievers have this shape to their mouth. That sort of looks like a perpetual smile. It's so delightful. When you look at a golden retriever you think they're just smiling at you, even though that's just the way their face looks. It's the shape of their mouth. So that's just how it is.

But if you want to know that you matter. All you have to do is look at your pet. If you have one, look at the animal that just wants to be by your side or be near you. And you can know. Now our dog that we have now that year and a half. He's a different breed, very different type of animal.

The other evening he went out in the backyard, ran around a little bit. He likes to run really fast from one end of the yard to the other and just run, run, run. And all of a sudden, he was just standing in the middle of this semi-dark backyard, just the porch light is on. And it's really dark outside otherwise. And he's just looking at me from the middle of the lawn, with one of his back legs kind of hunched up in the air, and just whimpering a little bit as he's standing there.

And he wants me to come out and check on him, I can tell because he looks like he's a little bit injured. I think what happened was he was leaping over things in his speed and the way he likes to do, and the sprinkler box in the ground was open, I think he tripped over it, or might have slipped and got a leg stuck in there or something. Because he was fine the next day, but it was like he twisted his leg or something happened.

And he just wanted to be with me, he wanted to feel the mama love right there. And in that moment, I thought, I definitely matter to this dog at least right? I feel like I matter. But there are so many other situations. There are so many other conversations with people, business transactions, interactions, even with complete strangers, where I can look.

And I can think about how I made a difference or how I had an impact, or how I matter.

And one of the ways to capture that is to simply make a note, write it down, pay attention. By the end of the day, it's possible that you've either reflected on a past situation, or thought about a current moment where you mattered. And you can capture that.

It's our job, it's really our job to have self confidence to feel good about ourselves to have self worth. And to know that we matter. So to do our job properly, we've got to pay attention and start making note. So this is one of the ideas.

Get feedback.

Another idea is to get actual feedback. You can ask those people closest to you in your life how you've been helpful to them, how you've been involved in their activities, what you've done that made a difference. And those people who are close to you will give you good feedback.

They will be able to say, Well, I really appreciated it when you did [whatever]. I like the way you do [whatever], you know, whatever example is going to come to their mind. My family members are awesome at giving feedback when I ask for it sometimes, it's how I matter. But sometimes it's also like, What you should stop doing mom, that would be awesome, too.

So so be careful. When you ask for feedback, you will get both kinds of feedback. And that is just another way of finding out how much you matter. Someone who gives you some kind of critical feedback, also is sharing the fact that you matter to them in that feedback. Because if they are noticing something that they really wish was different, it's it's out of love, it's because they care. If they did not care, there would be zero feedback, it would be apathy, that's kind of the opposite, right? So feedback is good. Slightly negative feedback might be hurtful. So we wish we didn't get it.

But it could be also a sign of how much you matter, how you're making an impact somewhere in some way. Feedback is the second way.

Seek spiritual guidance.

A third way to know that you matter can happen in those still quiet moments. And I'm a spiritual person, I'm a faith going person, I pursue any kind of spiritual insight I might get from my higher power. I want to know if I am pleasing him with my actions. And I want to be the kind of person that I can become. And I want to continue to develop my strengths, my abilities. And I want to whittle and hone my weaknesses and work with what I've got.

And I've got to have some kind of spiritual input to guide me for that. So this is another way to have know that I matter. It's also a great way to know that you matter.

You can, you can pursue that through stillness and reflection, through pondering and thinking about your experiences, what you have read what you've thought about. And you can also pursue it through prayer, meditation, a lot of conversation with people that can talk positively and really thoughtfully about things with you in that spiritual side of things.

There are many, many ways to get spiritual insight about yourself. And I want to encourage you to pursue that your sense of who you are in includes a whole spiritual dimension, even if you're not a religious person or a spiritual person, this idea of contributing to things that are greater than just what we can do ourselves, or mattering to the larger scheme of human beings. Those are what we call transcendent ideas, bigger ideas, and those all fall into the spiritual domain of your life.

Also purpose and direction that fits into the spiritual domain. So it's definitely worth taking all these kinds of input and insights about yourself. And to notice, all the ways that you matter.

What gets in the way....

What we run into trouble with is when we start to think we don't matter as much as other people, or that we matter way more than other people. If we, if we think we don't matter as much as others, then we might go around in a perpetual state of feeling not good enough, we might actually not contribute and make a difference, we might hold back so significantly, because we think we don't matter. Or we're not good enough, we might even kind of fake it thinking, Well, I'm going to fake it till I become better, when really faking it is this superficial way of sort of looking good enough, but not really being who we could be or who we are.

And that is called, "need to be seen as." So when we're feeling like less than other people.

This is episode number 104: Three ways to lift your mood (instantly).

Welcome to the mindset for life podcast. This is Bethanie Hansen, your coach. And I'm here to talk about three ways to lift your mood. Why would you want to lift your mood?

Well, there might be a reason; maybe you're going into a difficult meeting or conversation. Or maybe you're just trying to get through the work day and you can tell that your mood is low. Whatever the reason, lifting your mood is going to help you to perform better, and the things you do in work and in life. It'll help you show up in your relationships positively. And it will even help you feel great about yourself.

Whatever is happening in your life, in your work or in the world at large. Lifting your mood can have beneficial outcomes for you.

Strike a "Power Pose"

So the first way to lift your mood is simply to stand tall, raise your arms in the air, like you're making a Superman shape, or even the why and the YMCA song and breathe deeply. You can stretch your body out in this way. And you can feel all your muscles stretching, and you can get some oxygen flowing to your brain.

And that will help you to just move things along in your body and your mind. Breathing deeply stretching your arms out is an instant mood elevator. In fact, I believe it was Amy Cuddy, who did some research on this. And it's called a power pose.

When you put your arms in this large Y shape or V shape, like putting them out in their full extended strength, it makes you larger, it also helps you to feel power. Physically, it tells your brain that you're in charge.

And it can lift your mood instantly. If you're going into a job interview, or a difficult meeting, and you have a restroom or a bathroom, you could go into if there are people around, you could do this in private.

And you could just breathe deeply while you have that going with your arms. And you've already taken it up a level. So you've lifted your mood with just one simple action called a power pose.

Now, if you want a variation for that, one way I like to do this is to put my hands up in the air, my arms are straight, and I'm walking through a doorway. Because I'm five foot seven, I can touch that doorway easily. And I will just push my arms backwards just a tiny bit to even stretch them more. And it makes me feel alive and amazing. It's invigorating. And it also elevates my mood a little bit more. So there's your tip number one, lift your mood by stretching your arms all the way out and breathing deeply.

Listen to Energetic Music

The second way to lift your mood is probably my favorite number one way is music. Music can lift your mood and weighs almost nothing else can. Unless you choose not to listen to music, right again, do that because it's not reaching you anywhere. The the best kind of music, in my opinion, is 1980s Pop. And that just tells you what your I love.

So certain 1980s pop songs I can put on and they bring energy to me no matter where I am or what I'm doing because of the beat. And because of the message in the music, so they're happy. And even if they're breaking up with someone or they're singing about a negative subject 1980s Pop generally has a positive vibe to it. So the beat is a certain tempo that enlivens your soul and just brings energy to you. You know, the beat of the music really does have something to do with the energy that you get from that music.

You have a heartbeat that might be around 80 or 90 beats per minute during low activity levels or something like that. And if you start to exercise, maybe your heart, heart rates gonna go up to 120 Beats Per Minute 130. If you get music in that zone, and you just start listening to it, pretty soon you're moving faster, because it's pushing you to increase your physical activity. And it's helping you increase your heart rate just a little bit which of course brings you a sense of having more energy.

The other thing about music that I love that I want to encourage you to think more about, most people tell me they don't think about the lyrics. I love thinking about the lyrics and if I can find a song that has upbeat music and the lyrics are positive, like the theme song to my podcast. I really will use that song much more than others. I like to feed my brain with the message that the music is giving me as well as my body with the tempo and the upbeat sounds of the music.

As a musician myself, this is a language that I speak that I really love to hear it If you're not really into it, I encourage you to give it a try. Check out different songs that might uplift you. And that might have the potential to bring you more energy. And if nothing more, you can always listen to my podcasts over and over just to hear the theme song, because that Danny Gokey song New Day is a real winner.

It brings you that sense of freshness, talking about the future and how you can always have a fresh start. But it also has a peppy beat. And I don't know if you've ever seen the video that has dancing in it. But if you haven't seen that particular version of the Danny Gokey video for new day, I encourage you to check that out. It's super fun. And it also inspires activity brings a little more energy right there.

Drink More Water

And the last tip, tip number three today to increase or lift your mood. And by nature of lifting your mood, increasing your energy a little bit, is to drink more water. Yeah, you heard it water.

I'm not a heavy water drinker, I have to intentionally drink water, I have to think about it, I have to fill my cup and have it nearby and think to drink the water. And sometimes I have to put flavoring in it or what lemon in my water just to get myself to do it. But when you have low energy, sometimes that can come from actual dehydration, like you're not drinking enough water.

And you can feel just physically exhausted, totally drained, and not even able to move forward. If you ever have that experience of just working through the day, and suddenly feeling a big slump in your energy, start with the water. Drink a lot of water, especially cold water. Let's see if that gives you more energy and refreshes your body and helps your brain get moving.

And if that doesn't work, well then I would recommend putting on the wonderful music or stretching and putting your arms up in the air. And pretty soon you've elevated your mood lifted your mood. And you've also given yourself a burst of energy.

Well, I'm curious what works for you? What kind of things do you do that help elevate your mood, or bring you more energy, whatever that is, feel free to share it. There's a form on my website, DrBCoach.Com, I would love to hear from you about what's working, and what you're doing to lift your mood or elevate your energy. Feel free to stop by and share it with me.

And if this podcast is helpful to you, share it with a friend, post it on your social media platform, get the word out there. We all want to be better versions of ourselves. No, that doesn't mean that we have to be like other people or we have to change. In fact, quite the opposite. We're becoming more of who we really are. And when we stop comparing ourselves to other people and stop competing with them for all kinds of things. That's where real confidence comes from. Knowing who you really are learning about your strengths and abilities and living them.

Once we do that. We we can't be stopped we have so much we can do. The world is available for us and we can move forward. We have options and opportunities and we have places to give and contribute because we are unique and we have traits that show it. So share out, help others in your social circle. And here's to being the best version of you this coming week.

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

This is episode number 103: Shorten your suffering. Welcome to the mindset for life Podcast. I'm Bethanie Hansen, your host, and I'm here to help you shorten your suffering today. The word suffering seems a little bit odd at times, I don't use that word in my vocabulary very much. Some people do. Perhaps you do. Maybe you don't. Regardless of how familiar that word is, we all suffer.

We might suffer other people's attitudes; we might suffer limits placed on us from the outside world or people around us. We might suffer from world events that are happening, that are far removed from us. Or we might suffer from them as they are literally impacting us. And we're involved in them.

We might suffer from the loss of other people; we might suffer from uncertainty. We might suffer from so many things in our lives that literally impact us every minute. But we can shorten our suffering.

And it doesn't mean that we're bad or wrong to try to do that. In fact, it means that we're intentionally trying to find something else to focus on. I used to think that if I was really happy in a negative situation, that other people would think I was out of touch with that situation. And that probably does happen. Maybe you've experienced that too, where either you or someone else was trying to be joyful or happy when it was a tough situation.

I've had my own share of difficult situations in life. And I choose intentionally. There's an option where I can review the events over and over. And I can sit in that horrible situation, and I can keep experiencing those same emotions. What we know about neuroscience is that our mindset of being stuck in a place mentally comes from replaying the same thoughts and the same emotions are going to happen.

Pretty soon those thought habits take over. And we have this whole habit of feeling those same feelings and thinking those same things. And then we behave in similar ways over time.

Somewhere in my life, when perhaps I was younger, I started to latch on to this idea that I could actually choose to focus on different thoughts. And over the course of my life, I have also learned that there are many other people out there, either through their research or their philosophy, who have discovered the same thing.

We can look at a situation and see what is negative, how it's impacting us. How it's hurt us. And we can feel those feelings and we can think those thoughts and we can experience them. And it will cause more suffering.

It increases our suffering to do that because every time we think about it, we are literally experiencing the chemical rush of emotions that fill our bodies with that negative sensation, whether it's sadness, or despair, or anger, or frustration, or a whole host of other feelings. And yet, there's always something in the future. Either something that is a lesson learned, something that will contrast with the experience we're having now, or something good that will come out of the experience.

Focusing on the Future Shortens Suffering

Regardless of what that thing in the future is, we can choose to believe something better is coming in the future. Something will come out of this, we're not sure what it is. But it's always going to lead to something that could be beneficial, or could be good. I like to lean on that side of things.

So my goal is to decrease suffering by focusing on the future. Now, living in the present is important too. We need to experience what's happening right now and live in reality. And be very sensitive to our own experience and others. And feel what others may be feeling with empathy, and understand what others are experiencing. And yet, looking towards the future can give us a brightness of hope.

It can help us to just pick ourselves up from this place that we're at, and see that there's somewhere to go. And even if we don't know where that somewhere is it simply opens up the idea of possibility.

When we're thinking about a fresh start, a new day, or somehow moving forward with something. This is critical to our mindset. Having the space to think of anything other than what is already happening is the only way to go. If we're thinking about what's already happening, we can investigate it. We can analyze it, we can do a retrospective on it. We can determine the impact it's currently having.

And when we look to the future, we can start to see what's next. What could happen. Where we could go. The door is wide open.

Choose to Be Hopeful

I want to just recommend today that in thinking about shortening your suffering, one way to do that might be to also look at the future with hope. We can also look at the future with a negative lens. We can project the failures that could come in the future based on whatever the present is; we could project how bleak the future might be based on whatever's happening now.

And we can also project all kinds of other negative outcomes. So we literally have a choice, we can choose to project something positive, or we can choose to project something negative. I choose the positive. I don't know if it's something inherently part of my personality, or if it's just something I keep cultivating over time. But I want to intentionally choose that.

And the reason for that is that there's something I can do with the positive, it opens doors and possibilities. And when I focus on the negative, it makes me feel really awful right now, it increases my suffering. But it also makes it hard to see anything different in the future, but more suffering.

So let's take stock right now. Where are you suffering right now? Are you suffering in your relationships? Are you suffering in your work situation? Are you suffering in your physical health? Are you suffering in your living conditions? If there's any area that you're suffering, in right now, you're really struggling with a situation or a person or an environment, let's think about what might be coming in the future.

There have always been people in my life that I could easily love, because they were just so likable and easy to love. But I've also experienced my share of people who are challenging, and I'm sure I've been that challenging person to others as well. And when I face a challenging, challenging person, to me, who is challenging me, that person doesn't always present themselves as challenging to others. We all have different personalities and different perspectives. So someone who I might find challenging, you might not agree that they're challenging. Anyway, a person like that in your life could be your best teacher. Dealing with a person that you disagree with, or that you have a little friction with, teaches you so much about how to be patient, how to really listen, how to learn what that person's perspective is, and how to slow down and just understand.

You can't assume. You have to get question oriented, curious, and you have to learn things, or you'll be stuck in suffering for a long time. Or you'll have to just leave the relationship. And if it's a person in your life, maybe you're related to them, or maybe it's a co worker, and you don't plan to leave your company anytime soon, or your school anytime soon. That's something you have to come to terms with, right?

What if it's a physical situation that you're suffering with? Well, there are chronic illnesses, and there are conditions that we can't change right now. And they might last the rest of our lives. Maybe it's even a chronic illness that will eventually lead to one's death. We don't know, right? But there're a lot of things that we could be facing that are suffering oriented. And while we're having that experience, that too, could be our teacher.

I know it's a difficult thing to put a happy face on suffering. And that's not what I'm really asking you to do. What I'm suggesting is that we shorten that suffering, we're going to live with that experience. But what if we use that experience to grow and learn and figure out? What can I do because of this experience? What are the things I still can do, even though I'm not able to do all things I used to be able to do? What are some new interests I might take up that I haven't considered before, that I could still be capable of doing with this physical condition?

Or if it's something I can change, like, maybe it's something about my physical appearance, and I do want to change it, I can get to work. It can be motivating to me to actually spend the time. And then what about our environment, when we have an environment that causes suffering, and we think it's because of the other people and their stuff, or what they do in the house? There is actually a lot more about that, that we can control. And we can clean up our space we can weed out or whittle down.

There are always former parts of our lives that we have moved on from and we can let go of them now. So whatever's within our control, we can take charge of it and we can get it in orderly condition and we can take stock. Have things and clean it out and really beautify our environment.

Then if it's other people in our environment that also have the stuff or the clutter or habits we don't like, we may be an influence on those people through what we choose to do with our own situation. We can also choose to rearrange the furniture, even if we don't think people around us will like it, we can try that out. And there's a new experience right there.

This idea of focusing on the future, to shorten our suffering, and trying options, those things can help us at the very least have a different experience.

Recognize Your Feelings, Experience Them, and Choose

Now, maybe you are a parent or a partner or a teacher to someone with a severe disability or a disabling condition of some kind. When we experience those kinds of situations, we may feel that we are suffering, and we don't want to talk to anyone about it. Because we also feel guilty about that suffering.

#102: Do You Say "NO" Too Often?

Do you have a mindset to say no, far too much?

If you’re busy saying yes to everything but feel overwhelmed, like there isn’t enough time to get things done, you might be saying “no” to yourself, too much. We’re all saying no to something, all day long. It’s the opportunity cost of choosing. When saying yes to something, we say no to something else.

When you say no to taking a break, exercising, visiting family, and taking the time you need to be at your peak state of wellbeing, you might be saying yes to others’ demands and expectations. This can create a thought loop of feeling like we’ve been taken advantage of by others, or that others expect too much.

It you’re putting everything else and everyone else first, and feel like there isn't time for your own priorities, today’s episode is for you. It is healthy to take good care of yourself and focus on your needs and wellbeing. Today, learn about three areas to help increase your wellbeing and happiness: rest, social connection, and self-compassion.

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

If you have a lot on your plate, and you want a tip for managing stress, this is your episode! Today, listen for encouragement and a strategy to try.

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

When You Hit 100 Episodes, Celebrate It!

Thanks for listening to the podcast. We're celebrating episode 100 today, by counting down the top 5 all-time podcasts in the Mindset for Life series.

5. #83 How to Let Go of a Challenging Situation https://drbcoach.com/83-how-to-let-go-of-a-challenging-situation/  

4. #48 How to Wake Up Happy https://drbcoach.com/48-how-to-wake-up-happy/

3. #56 How to Use Your Emotions and Make Decisions https://drbcoach.com/56-how-to-use-your-emotions-and-make-decisions/

2. #80 You Know What Assumptions Do... https://drbcoach.com/80-you-know-what-assumptions-do-podcast/

#1 Fear and Confidence https://drbcoach.com/confidence-and-fear/

Enjoy!

New Day, performed by Danny Gokey, (P) 2021 Danny Gokey, under exclusive license to Capitol Christian Music Group, Inc., was written by Ethan Hulse, Coby Wedgeworth, and Danny Gokey. Copyright © 2019 Better Than I Found It (BMI) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) All rights reserved. Used by permission; and EGH Music Publishing (BMI) / Be Essential Songs (BMI) / Colby Wedgeworth Music (ASCAP) / Fair Trade Music Publishing (ASCAP) / (admin at EssentialMusicPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

You may have heard this one: You can win, or you can learn. Are you learning?

Thanks for joining me today to talk about THAT kind of learning.

I've always loved learning, especially as a younger school child. Not everyone loves learning. In fact, sometimes stretching to understand, and experiencing the discomfort that goes with it, is a very tough experience.

Someone might say that you're naive to try to appreciate a hard situation and learn from it. But when you have two options--to choose negativity of the failure, or to own it and choose to learn from it, the power and resilience is yours!

We can handle just about anything, with a learning attitude. Join me for today's podcast.

Are You Staying Stagnant?

Being comfortable is a really great thing. It feels good to be comfortable.

Like your favorite sweater. A soft pair of slippers. Your "chair." Or the way the driver's seat is set up for you in your car.

Your comfort zone is a safe space that makes us feel goof, familiar, and relaxed. We don't have to be too alert, try unusual things, or stretch.

But in the comfort zone, we also have expectations. This invites judgement, accusation, and disappointment.

In the comfort zone, we start to live in the land of expectations and disappointment. And pretty soon, we are stagnant.

Being stagnant feels "samey" all the time. Like eating the same foods all the time, a pretty bland diet.

As I coach others, it seems they typically want to find a zest for life again. That one thing that will fuel their excitement for life.

Yet it seems that we also want to stay comfortable.....

If you're feeling stagnant, from being in your comfort zone too long, today's podcast is for you.