Breaking up with friends is hard to do. Watch me try.

If the payoff is grand enough, you can endure any friendship.

What's the first lie you remember believing? Here's mine. And it broke me.

Watch what happens to my grandmother when I find her rage button.

A story about arming a kid with an animal brain and a bike.

This is a story about spit, relatives, and regret.

Remember the days when thinking a thought meant doing a thing?

You didn't have the time or ability to say to a thought, "You're bad." You simply said, "Welcome, new thought," then carried it out.

Why?

Because you were a kid and didn't yet know that some actions can create a new county of hell on Earth, your county, where you have to live now, and pay taxes, and vote every November for the Devil.

Do you ever feel accidental? I do. Do you ever feel like a miracle? I do that too. We're all so close to not being here at all.

Are we accidents? Miracles? You tell me.

But first, here's how I almost got killed by the biggest dumbest boat in history.