Modern Mental Health & Relationships | Overwhelm, Boundaries, Overthinking

If you lived to be 78, the average age of death, how many years do you have left? That might sound morbid, but I think there is something powerful about helping us to prioritize and be intentional with our lives and relationships when we are reminded of its brevity.

Many of the things that we want for our lives require us stepping outside of our comfort zone. Most things that are worth doing and having (from a good relationship to scaling a mountain to finally owning that dream lake house) come through intention, hard work, and some discomfort.

What is important to you? As Mary Oliver surmises, “Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one and precious life?”

If you want help identifying what is important to you and how to be more intentional, here is a free resource for you!

Child sexual abuse is a significant health issue with lasting impact for survivors. Over 90% of perpetrators are someone that child knows and is familiar with.

We are all responsible for teaching our children about their bodies, boundaries, and creating as much safety as possible within our own homes and communities.

This week’s podcast is all about how to talk with your children about their bodies, ok versus not ok touch, body boundaries, and helping you as the caregiver identify grooming behaviors.

Resources & Further Reading:

https://www.cfchildren.org/wp-content/uploads/resources/child-abuse-prevention/docs/all-ages-sexual-abuse-prevention-conversation-guide.pdf

https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-can-i-protect-my-child-sexual-assault

https://www.safeaustin.org/get-help/child-safety/

https://bravehearts.org.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/what-are-the-signs-of-child-sexual-abuse/

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/can/CSA-Factsheet_508.pdf

https://childmind.org/article/10-ways-to-teach-your-child-the-skills-to-prevent-sexual-abuse/

On Instagram:

@cacoftexas

@jennaquinnlove

Books:

Let's Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect: Teach children about body ownership, respect, feelings, choices and recognizing bullying behaviors

My Body Belongs To Me From My Head to My Toes

Body Boundaries Make Me Stronger

Yes! No! A First Conversation About Consent

Body Safety Book for Kids

Next Steps:

You can find me at jenalley.com or follow me @jen.alley.therapist on Instagram.

Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss an episode.

Leave a review so more friends can join us!

Share this episode with a friend.

Thanks for listening!

We all have behaviors and symptoms that we don't feel serve us and that we wish we could stop doing or get rid of. Whether it is sabotaging relationships despite wanting closeness, overreacting in specific situations, or experiencing anxiety, hyper-vigilance, people pleasing, or any other symptom or behavior, somehow they make sense or have coherence within our systems.

When we are triggered or have a symptom or behavior that is consistently coming up, it is important to practice curiosity instead of judgement, use "It makes sense..." to explore instead of feeling like we shouldn't be doing it or having the feeling, and practice compassion for ourselves/for the part that is struggling, and finally, look for experiences that are a mismatch to what we are expecting to have happen. Our brain learns through experiences. The most important first step, though, is to recognize that the repetitive symptom or behavior has deeper roots than whatever is happening in that current moment. Therapy may be needed to help you uncover its origins.

Next Steps:

You can find me at jenalley.com or follow me @jen.alley.therapist on Instagram.

Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss an episode.

Leave a review so more friends can join us!

Share this episode with a friend.

Thanks for listening!

Trigger warning: This episode includes dialogue around sensitive issues including childhood abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, rape, suicidal ideation and suicide. Please take care of yourself and seek appropriate help if you need support.

Did you experience childhood trauma or abuse? Adverse childhood experiences are defined as traumatic events that happen between ages one and seventeen.

They include:

• Physical abuse


• Sexual abuse


• Emotional abuse


• Emotional neglect


• Physical neglect


• Mentally ill, depressed, or suicidal person in the home


• Drug addicted or alcoholic family member


• Witnessing domestic violence


• Loss of a parent to death or abandonment by parental divorce


• Incarceration of any family member for a crime

Research shows that these experiences have a profound impact on both mental and physical health throughout the lifespan. The CDC shares that 61% of adults had at least one ACE and 16% experienced four or more ACEs. Last year alone, there were 3.5 million reports of child abuse reported in the United States.

I am so grateful to author and activist Bess Hilpert for sharing her story of childhood abuse and trauma as well as the healing journey she has been on. Bess is passionate about bringing awareness to the impact of ACEs and is making it her mission to give permission to others to share their story by sharing her own.

Resources:

Finding I: A Journey of Repair by Bess Hilpert

Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire

FindingI.org

Subscribe to Bess's newsletter

Sponsor for today's podcast: RealtyIT

Next Steps:

You can find me at jenalley.com or follow me @jen.alley.therapist on Instagram.

Please be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss an episode.

Leave a review so more friends can join us!

Share this episode with a friend.

Every couple (and relationship) has conflict. Many times, we don't act how we want to or may feel like we turn into a different version of ourselves when conflict happens. For example, we may rage or withdraw, we may shut down or move into people pleasing.

Often, when we have an oversize reaction to the situation at hand, it is because of information from our history or family of origin that is getting tugged on (even if we aren't aware of it).

This episode dives into Terry Real's work (he is the founder of Relational Life Therapy). We explore the parts of us that often take over during conflict or when our bodies and brains are perceiving something as unsafe, and we talk about what we can do to have healthier, more constructive conflict and connection with our partner.

Resources:

I want to be closer to my partner! - this PDF download gives research-backed actionable ideas of what to do and what not to do in your relationship to nurture the relationship. It also includes a curated list of further reading and podcast episodes by experts in the field of romantic relationships.

Terry Real's Time Out Rules

My New Website: www.jenalley.com

Today's sponsor: https://realtyit.com/ - They specialize in websites for real estate but can also create custom websites for companies in any industry. They just created my new, custom website from scratch. Check it out here!

Do you feel like you and your partner have fallen into routines of co-managing but you are missing that connection and spark? Are you wanting to feel closer to your partner? If so, this episode is for you.

Using research from the Gottman Institute's Love Lab, we will explore both the do's and dont's to a healthy, happy relationship.

We know from the Gottman Institute that emotionally disengaged couples divorce an average of 16.2 years after their wedding. BUT we also know from their research that connection, trust and happy relationships are made in the many small interactions and moments of our lives. The great news is that with intentionality, we can use these small moments and interactions to warm the relationship back up.

I want to feel closer to my partner! I have created a free download for you that has specific and practical ideas for creating more connection and intimacy in your relationship. It also has links to additional resources that will be helpful for you to read and listen to.

Additional resource: Sound Relational House

Be sure to follow me on Instagram @Jen.alley.therapist

What does cleaning, organizing, and identifying your core needs have to do with mental health? As it turns out, there is a lot of evidence to support that organization, rhythms, clean spaces, and routines can help our mental health and wellness by providing structure, consistency, and focus in our lives.

Between being a wife, a mom to two school age kids, my private practice, and my podcast/blogging/creator endeavors, I have many balls in the air. On one hand, I like variety and pursuing various interests. But what I have realized in my own life and see among my female friends and clients who are also moms, women often carry the mental and physical load of the household. The result often ends up leaving moms scattered and not tending to their own physical, mental, and emotional needs. Additionally, it can leave parents, particularly moms, feeling like life is a game of whac-a-mole, focusing our attention on whatever pops up next. Of course, this is generalized as there are some dads who also carry more of the mental and physical toll of the household, but this role still falls predominantly on women.

Identifying our non-negotiables, or fundamental needs as Chelsi Jo (podcast host of Systematize Your Life) calls them, helps us to prioritize the things that will help us in the busyness of life. Examples of non-negotiables or fundamental needs include tidying, date night, personal time, exercise, a certain amount of sleep, and meal planning. Creating a structure for those needs and rhythms and adding them to our calendar can be a game changer so we actually make time to do the things that will help us to thrive.

What are your non-negotiables? What are the structures and routines that decrease your stress and help your mood, ability to focus, and life to run more smoothly?

Resources:

Systematize Your Life Podcast

A Slob Comes Clean Podcast

App: Day One Journal

Help me figure out my non-negotiables!

Stress is an inherent biological response to a perceived threat, triggering a cascade of chemicals and hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol throughout the body. This evolutionary adaptive mechanism, designed for immediate problem-solving in moments of danger, can, unfortunately, lead to a perpetual cycle of stress in modern life.

Types of Stress:

Acute Stress: A physiological and psychological reaction to a specific event. Once the danger subsides, the body returns to a relaxed state.

Severe Acute Stress: Occurs when an event is perceived as life-threatening, potentially leading to conditions like PTSD and other mental health issues.

Episodic Acute Stress: Results from frequent episodes of acute stress, impacting physical and emotional well-being. For instance, constant worry or crisis situations can contribute to this form of stress.

Chronic Stress: A sustained feeling of pressure or being overwhelmed over an extended period, draining psychological resources and adversely affecting mental and physical health.

Common Manifestations of Stress:

• Anxiety


• Irritability


• Anger


• Overwhelmed/feeling fear or dread


• Loss of interest


• Racing thoughts


• Difficulty concentrating


• Physical symptoms like headaches, body pain, and upset stomach


• Tension


• Clenching/grinding teeth


• Changes in libido


• Restlessness


• Withdrawal


• Substance use/abuse


• Overspending


• Panic attacks


• Sleep and appetite changes


• High blood pressure


• Chest pain


• Fatigue


• Weight changes


• Hormone fluctuations


• Exacerbation of mental health conditions

A.Z. Reznick identified a specific stress response cycle comprising four phases:

1. Resting Ground State


2. Tension/Strain Phase


3. Response Phase


4. Relief Phase (Physiological and Psychological)

The Nagoski sisters, authors of Burnout, suggest methods to complete the stress response cycle, helping our bodies recognize safety. Failure to complete this cycle can result in the persistence of stress continuing in our bodies.

How to Complete the Stress Response Cycle:

Our lower brain communicates through movement and sensation. Examples of ways to complete the stress response cycle include:

• Yoga


• Deep breathing


• Tai Chi


• Brisk walks


• Progressive muscle relaxation


• Laughter


• Creative expression


• Grounding techniques


• Meditation


• Emotional release (e.g., crying)


• Physical touch (e.g., long hugs)


• Sensory experiences (e.g., )


• Breathing exercises (e.g., belly breathing) R


• hythmic activities (e.g., rocking, dancing)

Practices for General Stress Management:

• Regular exercise


• Balanced nutrition


• Effective time management


• Realistic goal-setting


• Adequate sleep


• Leisure and recreational activities


• Nurturing social connections


• Minimizing substance use


• Learning stress reduction skills


• Practicing mindfulness

The Ultimate Goal:

The aim is not to eliminate stress entirely but to complete the stress response cycle. Developing an adaptive and flexible nervous system allows for a smoother transition between safety and danger, promoting overall well-being. Recognizing stress as a natural part of life, adopting coping strategies, and nurturing a healthy lifestyle contribute to achieving this goal.

Resource: Podcast episode: Brené Brown with Nagoski sisters on Burnout

Emotions get a bad rap in our society. However, emotions help us to understand ourselves and our world better. Our emotions help us understand who we are, what matters to us, how we feel toward our relationships, and what we need. They give our lives and experiences meaning. Without our emotions, we wouldn’t be ourselves.

We are constantly experiencing emotions and sensations in response to our ever-changing environment which translate into feelings, predictions, and behavior. In other words, we really can’t get away from our emotions!

Understanding our emotional world better then helps us to be in the driver seat instead of being unconsciously driven by our emotions. A lot of my work with clients is to help them learn about their emotions and to see that they are giving them information about how they are doing in the world. In our society, we learn to judge or criticize or brush off our feelings as they are seen as unimportant or even a nuisance.

Emotions are giving us really good information in real time about how we are doing with what is going on in the present or how we are doing when we are thinking about a relationship, something that has happened or something we think might happen. We are constantly encoding data and taking in information about what is happening around us. Much of this, obviously, lies beneath the surface of our awareness. This data includes memories, sensations, meanings, images, behavior, and affect.

When an emotion comes up, it is layered with much of this unconscious data from our history. Let’s imagine that when you were a child, you ate chocolate chip cookies at your grandmother’s house. It was a place that felt safe and nurturing for you. When you eat chocolate chip cookies now, you always have a warm sensation and feel soothed (but you might not have any understanding of why that is if you haven’t spent time making sense of it).

Emotions aren’t good or bad and won’t kill you (although many of us feel scared of them, especially the ones that feel harder to process). The best way to move through them is to notice what is happening (I am having an emotion), be curious about the emotion (instead of judgmental or critical), name the emotion, and then practice compassion toward that emotion. This will help us to process through the emotion much more quickly and helpfully. Adding resistance to the feeling only causes us more suffering!

Being with someone we trust as we experience a difficult feeling can also be super helpful. All of this can be applied toward parenting or being with a loved one when they are having a hard feeling.

I highly recommend Dr. Marc Brackett’s book, Permission to Feel and Atlas of the Heart by Dr. Brené Brown. They also have a great podcast together. Brené Brown also has an HBO special on emotions.

You might also print out a handout that details feelings. We know that the more we are able to name the specific feeling, the more it can calm the amygdala when we are experiencing fear or a strong emotional response. It also helps us understand HOW we are doing. Brené Brown has a helpful PDF of 87 human emotions and experiences and I also love the handout from the Center for Nonviolent Communication which helps us identify our emotions, the story we are making up, our unmet needs, and our request. Here is a guided meditation to help you name your emotions.

If you would like a daily tracker to help you identify your feelings and check in with yourself each day, click here. Finally, here are three of my favorite people to follow on Instagram regarding modern day parenting: @drbeckyatgoodinside, @maryvangeffen and @attachmentnerd.

Teaching individuals to observe their own minds and stay attuned to their inner workings is one of the most important skills I teach as a mental health therapist. Our lives often slip into autopilot, as highlighted in a 2010 Harvard study suggesting the average person spends nearly half their day on autopilot, their thoughts adrift. Curiously, the more we operate on autopilot without attention or awareness, the less content we tend to feel.

It makes sense that we go about our days on autopilot as our brains prefer automating routines to conserve energy. It's a gift in many ways, enabling us to function effortlessly in familiar settings. Yet, if we move about our lives entirely in this automatic mode, we lose touch with the present and it becomes challenging to cultivate awareness. Without this awareness, connecting with ourselves or nurturing healthy relationships becomes difficult, and our pursuit of happiness is hindered.

Mindfulness, the practice of purposeful presence, offers us more than just happiness; it aids us in moments of struggle. Consider a scenario where a morning meltdown unfolds—my child in distress, and my own frustrations bubbling up. Amidst this chaos, awareness granted me a crucial pause—a moment to observe the situation and my emotional response. This space allowed for a different, more thoughtful reaction, steering away from automatic, reactive behaviors.

Understanding the distinction between the mind and the brain is important. According to psychiatrist Dan Siegel, the mind is an embodied and relational process that regulates energy and information flow throughout our body. Remarkably, our minds can influence our brain's structure through experiences. Positive experiences, like offering kindness instead of criticism (if taken in with awareness) can rewire our brains, fostering growth and self-regulation.

Siegel terms this ability to perceive the mind of the self and others "Mindsight." It is powerful tool for understanding ourselves and our inner worlds with more clarity and it helps us to integrate our brain and enhances our ability to relate to others.

Developing mindsight isn't an instant transformation but a gradual process. Starting with mindful exercises and exploring our emotional landscape, we can chart a path toward deeper self-awareness. It's a journey where curiosity, openness, and acceptance pave the way for personal growth and more harmonious relationships.

Practical strategies, like the Wheel of Awareness or BASIC (Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Images, Cognitions), offer structured approaches to cultivate mindfulness and awareness. However, the initial stages might feel overwhelming or disconcerting, a common response when diving into one's inner world. Grounding techniques and seeking support through therapy or community can ease this transition.

The STOP method—Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed mindfully—serves as a powerful tool in moments of stress or overwhelm. It allows us to pause, observe our thoughts and emotions, and proceed with intentionality.

Exploring awareness and mindsight isn't just a personal endeavor but an opportunity to foster these skills in our children. Reflecting their inner worlds back to them, helping them navigate emotions and thoughts, contributes to their mindsight development.

Remember, this journey toward greater awareness isn't about achieving perfection but about embracing the process of self-discovery and growth. It's about carving out moments to observe, to reflect, and to respond consciously in order to know ourselves better, to improve our self and emotional regulation, to improve our mental health, and to improve our relationships.

Resources:

Guided Meditation (Dan Sigel)- Wheel of Awareness

Dan Sigel Books - I especially recommend The Whole Brained Child, No Drama Discipline, and Parenting From the Inside Out for parenting books

Brené Brown’s list of feeling words

NVC List of Feelings/Needs