Mr Morton's Barmy Book of Bonkers Bits: Funny Stories for Kids

Granny Wars: a hilarious kids storytelling podcast episode about family, rivalry, and the most dangerous question a baby can ask

When a new baby is on the way, everybody has questions. Is it a boy or a girl? What will you call it? Will anyone sleep ever again? These are the ordinary ones. The ones everybody thinks about.

But there is another question. A much more dangerous one.

What will the grandparents be called?

Sophie's two grandmothers-to-be get on brilliantly. They go for coffee together. They swap recipes. They once spent an entire Saturday choosing curtains and came back even more cheerful than when they left. So when the baby news arrives, everyone is delighted. Hugging. Crying. Cheering. And then, at exactly the same moment, both women say: I shall be Granny.

And that is where the trouble starts.

What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about family rivalry ever told. There are WhatsApp battles with increasingly unhinged display names. There are branded baby gifts, towering competition cakes, and lullabies that escalate from a gentle hum to a full choir with a man called Dennis who looks absolutely terrified. There are campaign leaflets, tote bags, rosettes, and an actual debate staged in the sitting room with a folded ironing board as the podium. And then, somehow, things get considerably more serious than that.

This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love family chaos, for parents who will recognise every single moment, and for anyone who has ever watched two people compete over something with absolute dedication and zero self-awareness. Children will love the escalating absurdity. Grandparents will feel personally seen. Parents will feel exhausted just listening.

• Episode length: approximately 14 minutes
• Ages: 4 to 400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, family gatherings where this sort of thing has happened

Press play. The grandmothers have just said Granny at exactly the same time. Dad has just taken a very big breath. This is going to take a while.

More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Three Billy Goats Buff: a hilarious kids storytelling podcast episode about trolls, vanity, and catastrophic protein shakes

Everyone knows the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. Three goats. One bridge. One troll. A lot of trip-trapping. The goats won. The troll lost. Everyone went home.

But that was then.

Because once you have defeated a troll under a bridge in a dramatic and very public way, people remember. Word spreads. And the Three Billy Goats Gruff decide that Gruff, while solid, while heroic, while undeniably a serious word, is simply not enough anymore. What they need is to become something bigger. Something bolder. Something impossible to scroll past.

What they need is to become Buff.

What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about vanity, social media, and the particular madness of trying to impress someone who will never be impressed. There are protein shakes made from things that should never be combined. There are muscles appearing in the wrong places. There are internet trolls doing what internet trolls do. And there is a chicken who ends the whole thing in a way that nobody sees coming.

This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love fairy tales twisted sideways, for families who enjoy clever comedy with something quietly true underneath, and for anyone who has ever tried too hard to look impressive and made everything considerably worse. Children will love the escalating absurdity and the deeply satisfying ending. Parents will recognise everything the goats are doing and feel personally called out.

• Episode length: approximately 13 minutes
• Ages: 4 to 400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, after school wind down

Press play. The Three Billy Goats Buff are live under the bridge and taking questions. The chicken has just arrived. Nothing will ever be the same.

More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Pencil That Drew Tomorrow: a funny kids storytelling podcast about a magic pencil and catastrophically bad decisions

Oliver Pike has forgotten his pencil again. This is not unusual. Oliver forgets quite a lot of things. PE socks. Reading books. His coat on a day when it is snowing sideways. But pencils are the main one. So when Mr Spindle hands him the last spare from his drawer, a battered, tooth-marked, slightly bent thing that has clearly survived several arguments, Oliver does what any irritated ten-year-old might do. He draws something in the margin of his maths book that he probably should not have drawn.

The next morning, Mr Spindle arrives at school looking noticeably different.

What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about wish fulfilment gone spectacularly wrong. Oliver discovers that whatever he draws becomes real the next day. He starts sensibly. Then he starts thinking bigger. Then he stops thinking altogether. And by the end of the week he is being called Britain's youngest entrepreneur by adults who have never met him, his face is on a billboard over the bypass, and someone wants to know whether he would prefer Tokyo, New York, or Dubai for the launch.

This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love magic with consequences, for families who enjoy clever comedy that builds to glorious chaos, and for anyone who has ever wanted something badly and then discovered wanting it was the best part. Children will love the escalating mayhem and the deeply satisfying ending. Parents will recognise the particular horror of getting exactly what you wished for.

• Episode length: approximately 14 minutes
• Ages: 4 to 400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, after school wind down

Press play. Oliver has just picked up the pencil. He has absolutely no idea what he is about to draw. Neither does Mr Spindle. Although Mr Spindle is about to find out.

More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Boy Who Sneezed Through Time: a funny kids storytelling podcast about hayfever, headteachers, and accidental time travel

Milo Crumb hates spring. While everyone else goes misty-eyed about fresh air and new beginnings, Milo goes misty-eyed for a completely different reason. Spring puts yellow dust on everything. Spring makes his nose feel as if someone has tickled it from the inside with a feather dipped in pepper. And this spring is the worst yet.

The problem is Mr Grindle. The headteacher has one rule above all others. More important than no running. More important than no chewing gum. More important than the mysterious and never-explained ban on satsumas. No noise in the corridors. And Milo is standing right beside him with a sneeze that has been gathering itself all morning and has now decided it is in charge.

What happens next takes Milo somewhere he absolutely did not expect to go. Several somewheres, in fact. Each one stranger than the last. Each one containing a version of Mr Grindle that is somehow both familiar and deeply wrong.

This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love time travel, ridiculous authority figures, and the deeply satisfying idea that a sneeze might be the most powerful force in the universe. Children will love the chaotic leaps through time. Parents will recognise the particular dread of trying very hard not to make a noise at exactly the wrong moment. Everyone will enjoy the ending, which arrives with the help of a new headteacher, a jar of menthols, and a school that finally learns to breathe.

• Episode length: approximately 15 minutes
• Ages: 4 to 400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, hayfever season

Press play. Join Milo and his catastrophic hayfever in a kids storytelling podcast that is funny, surprising, and unexpectedly moving for a story about sneezing.

More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Wafer Bones: a funny kids storytelling podcast about biscuit skeletons and snack crimes

Bea Hart has a system. She eats the chocolate off KitKats and discards the wafer inside. Not in the bin. Not on a plate. She drops the naked wafer fingers wherever she happens to be. Behind the sofa. Under the coffee table. Once, disastrously, into a shoe.

Her brother Max, who takes biscuits very seriously, is horrified. The wafer is the whole point, he says. But Bea disagrees. The wafer tastes like chewing a very thin bit of ceiling.

Then one night, after Bea eats the last KitKat in the house without asking, she hears a sound from the hallway. Crunch. Click. Click-click. Something is being assembled. One piece at a time. Slowly. Carefully. At the top of the stairs stands a small skeleton made entirely of wafer bones. Her wafer bones. It lifts one arm and points straight at her.

This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love a bit of gentle spookiness, sibling rivalry, and the particular horror of biscuit crimes coming back to haunt you. Children will love the creepy wafer skeleton and the twist about Max's involvement. Parents will recognize the passionate biscuit debates that happen in every household. Everyone will grin at the ending that suggests maybe Max was not working alone.

• Episode length: approximately 11 minutes
• Ages: 4 to 400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, biscuit negotiations

Press play. Join Bea and the wafer skeleton in a kids podcast episode that is funny, slightly spooky, and perfect for families who argue about the correct way to eat a KitKat.

More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Operation Sprout: a hilarious kids storytelling podcast episode about one epic kitchen showdown

Eight-year-old Maisie Muddleby has never eaten a Brussels sprout—and she has absolutely no intention of starting. Not even if it tap-dances, sings, or wears a tiny crown.

But one evening, a very green, slightly smug sprout appears on her plate. And Dad, armed with a notepad and mysterious “official” forms, begins behaving in ways that are… suspiciously serious. Strange whispers, invisible teams, and escalating kitchen chaos follow as Maisie faces her biggest challenge yet.

This funny children’s audio story is perfect for a kids podcast, bedtime stories, car journeys, or any time you want absurd humour, suspenseful fun, and heartwarming family antics. Children will love the playful nonsense, parents will recognise the delightfully ridiculous stakes, and everyone will grin at Dad’s unwavering commitment to the mission.

• Episode length: ~15 minutes
• Ages: 4–400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, dinner-table negotiations

Press play. Join Maisie, the sprout, and Dad’s imaginary spy team in a kids storytelling podcast that’s ridiculous, warm, and surprisingly suspenseful.
More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Accidental Axolotl – a kids storytelling podcast adventure

Meet Axel, a well-meaning axolotl with a knack for chaos. When Tilly Mudge steps away, Axel decides to tidy his tank. What could possibly go wrong? Everything.

Thermometers topple. Castles collapse. Gravel streams across the tank like a tiny underwater avalanche. Pip and Pop, the ever-suspicious shrimp, react with panic. Colin the snail offers his slow, measured advice. And Axel? Well, Axel tries his very best, which somehow makes everything worse. A heater swings, flakes fly, and a thermometer ends up stuck to his gill like a medal for very bad behaviour.

Through bubbling clouds, frantic fixes, and underwater mishaps, Axel proves that even when disaster strikes, persistence, courage, and a little bit of chaos can make life… delightfully unpredictable. Kids and grown-ups alike will laugh, gasp, and cheer in this nine-minute story of mess, mayhem, and underwater heroics.

• Episode length: ~9 minutes
• Ages: 4–400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, or quiet moments in the chaos of everyday life

Press play and dive into Axel's tank, where shrimp argue, snails judge, and one axolotl accidentally creates a masterpiece of mess, mischief, and laughter.

Discover more wonderfully bonkers stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Koala Who Couldn't Cling – a kids storytelling podcast adventure

Kevin Koala is a perfectly normal koala in every way—except for one thing. He simply cannot cling. Trees, fence posts, signs, even Ranger Bev's leg—everything slips from his grasp. No matter how hard he tries, Kevin just slides, and everyone around him can't help but watch with laughter and disbelief.

But when a little sugar, peppermint, and fizzy mint lemonade enter the picture, Kevin's world changes. Suddenly, the slippery koala is blasting off, bouncing through the treetops, sticky, sparkling, and absolutely triumphant. It's a story of persistence, chaos, and discovery, told with humour, absurdity, and heart.

This funny children’s audio story is perfect for kids storytelling podcasts, bedtime stories, family listening, or car journeys. Filled with sticky situations, fizzy burps, mischievous sugar gliders, and plenty of laughter, it shows that sometimes all you need is a little creativity—and maybe a lot of sugar—to find your footing.

• Episode length: ~13 minutes
• Ages: 4–400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, family chaos sessions

Press play and join Kevin, Kylie Kookaburra, Wally Wombat, and a sticky, syrupy, sugar-fuelled koala in a kids storytelling podcast packed with laughter, chaos, and pure delight.

Discover more hilariously bonkers stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Luna has started noticing the change jar getting lower. Not quickly. Not all at once. Just slowly, like a puddle shrinking in the sun. Coins come out for bus fare. School things. Plasters. Shampoo. And the jar keeps getting emptier. She tries not to count. But she notices.

One evening, while Dad is making cheese on toast, Luna asks the question that makes the whole kitchen go quiet. What if you keep having to use the jar because of me?

Dad stops grating at once. He puts the grater down very carefully. Then he says something unexpected. Oh dear. You have upset the change.

What follows is one of the gentlest, most magical fun kids stories about worry, money, and the way a good parent can turn anxiety into wonder. Dad lifts down the jar, holds it to his ear like a seashell, and listens. Really listens. Then he announces that the coins are complaining. About being kept still. Because change is called change because it likes to change.

He tips the jar onto a tea towel and begins to listen to what each coin wants to become. This funny bedtime story turns into something deeper as Dad explains what happens to treasure that never becomes anything. Pirates burying gold that never turns into bus fare or books or biscuits. Dragons sitting on mountains of coins in gloomy caves getting grumpy. Wishing well pennies waiting at the bottom, soggy and cold, for wishes that never come true.

But coins that go out and become things? Those are happy. And the happiest change of all is the change that gets to look after somebody it loves.

This kids storytelling podcast episode is for children who worry about money without knowing how to say it. For parents navigating tight budgets whilst keeping their children feeling safe. For families who need bedtime stories for children that handle difficult things gently. The relationship between Luna and her dad is beautifully drawn, full of warmth and the particular magic that happens when a parent protects a child from worry by making scarcity feel like purpose.

Perfect for calming bedtime story time when you want something that settles softly, for family listening during quiet car journeys, or for audio stories for children that trust kids to understand difficult things wrapped in kindness. This bedtime story podcast episode is funny and magical and deeply, quietly comforting.

More fun children's stories with heart at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Episode length: approximately 11 minutes
Ages: 4 to 400 (though older kids will feel the deeper currents)
Best enjoyed: bedtime, quiet moments, when someone needs gentle reassurance

Press play. The change jar is getting lower. Luna is starting to notice. And Dad is about to turn worry into wonder.

Mum's Marathon – a hilarious kids storytelling podcast adventure

In this uproarious kids podcast episode, Mum has signed up for a marathon—but she simply can’t run past anything that needs fixing. Not wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Her legs refuse to keep going if someone, somewhere, might need help.

From rescuing cats stuck in trees to herding rebellious chickens, fixing fences, delivering packages, and even dodging runaway gnomes, Mum’s “training” turns into a spectacular parade of chaos, animals, and good intentions. No obstacle is too small, no animal too stubborn, and no neighbour too helpless for her helpful streak.

This funny children’s audio story is perfect for a kids storytelling podcast, bedtime stories, car journeys, or family listening. It combines absurd humour, escalating suspense, and warm-hearted chaos, showing that sometimes you just can’t fight your nature—even at the finish line.

• Episode length: ~9 minutes
• Ages: 4–400
• Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, chaotic family mornings

Press play and join Mum, Gerald the cat, a flock of rebellious chickens, and a very determined goose for a kids storytelling podcast packed with chaos, courage, and unstoppable hilarity.

Find more absurdly fun and heartwarming stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.