I started this podcast in June when life really felt out of control but I've since learned that if I let go and accept what is instead of trying to force the outcome I want, life becomes so much easier. I don't need to have all the answers to question what my purpose is so cutting myself a break is the first step in self acceptance and growth.Sure 2020 has been one doozy of a year but without its challenges, I might never have come to a clearer understanding and appreciation of what makes me tick. Without the bad things that happen in life, I would never really appreciate all the good and for that I am eternally grateful for 2020 vision.

Being thankful for what you DO have instead of focusing on what you don't have is an important reminder especially at this time of year. After a rough 2020. I'm ready to really focus on improving my health starting with the right attitude of gratitude. I've spent way too much time frustrated with the progression of my disease, inadvertently focusing negative attention on my shortcomings instead of manifesting what I Do want, a healthy body. I'm a long way from getting the results I want but I'm on my way filled with gratitude for all the friends and family along for the ride.

Death is part of life but when someone dies of the same disease I have, I am immediately reminded of my own mortality. I am really working on not being fearful, not even letting my mind go to those places of dread and anxiety especially when I'm not feeling well. I realize that I am blocking my own healing by ruminating on my symptoms actually making those symptoms worse by focusing on them. I am trying to live in a place of ease and acceptance that I am doing the best I can instead of fighting and resisting my MS every step of the way which may be keeping me in this state of illness. I'm a strong believer in what we put our attention on expands so I need to visualize myself healthy before that will actually begin to happen.

Is it possible that a little fear could actually be good for our systems? I was an adrenaline junkie in my youth and still seek out opportunities to get that rush these days although it's getting harder to do while in lockdown. I have done it but you don't need to jump out of a perfectly good airplane to get a thrill. There are ways to jumpstart your body with an adrenaline rush if you're creative. My advice is to always push past your fear so you can live your best life.

Between the pandemic and the election I have been an emotional wreck for months despite all my efforts to stay calm. Saturday was a watershed day for me as everything finally came to a head and I spent the day laughing one moment, then crying the next. Anyone who knows me would've been surprised to see me in that state but it is a liberating feeling to really embrace my emotions fully. I'm really going to try and stay in that state of emotional honesty going forward because keeping it all in only makes me sicker.

Nothing like a global pandemic with no end in sight to ratchet up underlying anxiety issues. I come across as a cool cucumber to most people who meet me because I try and keep my problems to myself but the combination of so much time on my hands and the unknowns of Covid have me really examining why I react to conflict the way I do. I was an intuitive, sensitive child who internalized the stress of my family dynamic. I would guess that many others with MS or any other autoimmune disease can look back on their childhoods to make some critical connections between how they were raised and the symptoms they now experience. I don't believe it's ever too late to be a better communicator with my friends and family so I will continue to question why I get emotionally charged when challenged so I can continue to learn and grow.

It's taken me a minute to graciously accept and appreciate the outpouring of prayers that are always offered up for my health challenges with MS. I have come to welcome these well wishes for what they are, understanding that my resistance to prayer has more to do with my own feelings of inadequacy. If prayer can make me feel better, bring it on.

Rather than always thinking about what I don't want to happen, ie. an accident in my pants because of my neurogenic bowel and bladder, I'm trying to focus on what I DO want in my life. The best way that I have found to get out of my head and appreciate my body for what it can do as opposed to what it can't do is meditation. On this podcast, I share a little of an excellent meditation from an amazing meditation teacher, Emily Fletcher, who founded the Ziva meditation community. For years I thought that I lacked the focus to meditate "correctly"but Emily has made this life changing practice easy and accessible most notably because she stresses  that its ok if your mind wanders, something that always happens to me. I feel like I have more time on my hands than ever before yet my mind races at all hours of the day and night with self doubt and recrimination. Meditation helps me appreciate this broken body I have allowing me to appreciate my life even while dealing with exasperating MS symptoms.

Everyone who is eventually diagnosed with MS has their own horror story about how painstakingly difficult it is to even get this disease definitively identified. This podcast explains why that is the case, what symptoms to look out for and what options you have for getting to the bottom of these symptoms. Because the symptoms are so different in every person, it is critical that you don't compare yourself to others with MS. My recommendation is that you do take your symptoms seriously and do not get discouraged in what for many is a long and arduous journey.