Mum As You Are

On the rush to get out post lock-downs and do all the things. To be busy filling a calendar, organizing play dates and stressing about Christmas before we've had a chance to take a breather. I talk you through the concept of the 'psychological bends' and a reminder to go gently and slowly with yourself :)

I think every single woman I know is functioning on this fear that she isn’t doing enough right now. 

If you’ve never heard of the cartoon is called ‘You Should’ve Asked’ by French artist, Emma, pause and go have a look now.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Emma (who, rightfully is so prolific they don’t need a surname) visually captures the concept of mental load. I describe this as all the tabs I have open in my brain at any given time - all the mental work, the organising, list-making and planning and life admin that needs to happen for ourselves and our dependents. Feminists note that the real crux of the burden of mental load is equality (or lack there of) in distribution of household labour.

In Emma’s comic there is a visitor (Emma) around for dinner. The mother is feeding the kids and making the dinner while the father sits with the guest instead of helping. Dinner then boils over and the father questions what happened. The mother explains that she was trying to do everything and the father says “you should have asked for help.”

Emma explains that by expecting to be asked, the father is setting up the dynamic where the mother is the manager. The expectation is that the mother is then responsible for knowing when things need to be done. Mental load is always having to remember.

Creating systems

Is there a ‘perfect’ way to organize life admin? How can we make things more manageable? 

A few synchronicities that have come up for me this week around the idea of embracing the in between. That phase of parenting where you're coming out of one season, but not quite ready for the next one. Knowing you need to rest, but feeling restless. Nervous to even look at a 2022 calendar and make plans, but feeling frustrated or stuck about not feeling inspired or creative yet. 

I share a few tips about how to go slowly and be patient with yourself. 

A beautiful book I love for eating and nourishing yourself with the seasons is by my friend Tracey Pattison, Priestess Your Plate, https://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/0648870618/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=247&creative=1211&creativeASIN=0648870618&linkCode=as2&tag=ebowe-22&linkId=3e517126818faab1818e6891a98e105e

Creating comfortable family traditions and reducing stress with gift giving

It’s that time of year again. A month until ‘Bowe week’ – the crazy week in my family where we ended up with our wedding anniversary, plus the two kids’ birthdays all falling within the same 7 days. No, I didn’t plan it that way!

My oldest daughter’s birthday is a month before Christmas, and the SECOND it’s over she will want to put the Christmas tree. In fact, she’s already asked to put up the tree and we haven’t even made it through Halloween yet.  She’s that person who loves Christmas more than life. There’s a version of me in the past which finds this so unrelatable. But children are here to teach us right? So I reframe it as endearing. So endearing that I bought her this birthday card that has a care bear next to a Christmas tree saying “me on November 1st”

It’s sweet, because it reminds me of one of my dear friends who is obsessed with Christmas. This is where James Brown comes in. Circa early 2000 and something when we started the tradition of tree trimming at Al’s house. Back when none of us had kids. Al had a cat called Jo-Jo (as in “Get Back, JoJo” from the Beatles song) but he ended being referred to simply as Joey. We used to wrap him in tinsel and ‘help’ him put baubles on the tree. I actually struggle to listen to that Concrete Blonde song ‘Joey’ without getting a bit misty eyed. It’s kind of embarrassing when there’s no context for it…

It’s no secret that I used to hate Christmas. The panic buying, the ‘just be cheerful’ police who don’t understand mental health, and the ick factor of being ‘a good girl’ so a random old dude gives you presents and asks you to sit on his knee. Don’t get me started on the music.

Al saw it as her personal mission to convert Christmas grinches, by gently introducing the idea of creating your own traditions. James Brown’s Funky Christmas album is where it started. Forget Mariah, forget Buble, for me, James Brown’s Santa Claus going straight to the Ghetto is where it’s at.

While searching for the Bluey album on vinyl, I thought I’d search for this specific James Brown Christmas album while I was there. You can find the screen shot on my blog at www.doctorerin.com.au/blog but I’ll describe it here.

Basically, if you search “james brown funky christmas’ you’ll be directed to fishpond. In the top section with the search categories you’ll see that this album is listed under ‘massage tools’

Is James Brown considered a ‘massage tool?’

I mean, I have an anecdote about Barry White (it’s G – rated, I might share it one day). I can appreciate that many women over 35 have a thing for Boyz 2 Men, but I absolutely couldn’t keep a straight face if someone tried to seduce me to their music.

At one of my first jobs, I shared an office with someone who had delightful sound alerts that would appear whenever she got an email or a text. One was James Brown yelling “woowwww I feel good” and the other was “get on up!” suffice to say, that’s a ‘no’ from me about the possibility of James Brown being a relaxation or massage tool!

You can absolutely make your own traditions. Something we do is “want need wear read” for birthday and Christmas. With the add on of a sister present for birthdays (because our kids’ birthdays are 2 days apart) and we do a STEM present. Even if our kids ask for the most commercial, gender normed crap they are also remembering the value of women in science and technology!

Nervous or excited about going back into the world?

This week’s episode is a five minute chat about the difference between nervous and excited and how we can help kids (and ourselves) lean into working with our psychophysiology. 

How validating the physical sensations or nerves and explaining that EVERYONE feels like this can be so powerful for kids.

How over-reassuring that "you're ok" just becomes, at best, white noise and at worst, an unhelpful safety behaviour where kids starts to rely on constant reassurance as a distraction from feeling their feelings

Want to build connection  and cut through the small talk phase quickly? Share self-compassion for your flaws.

I share 5 of my 'fatal' flaws that have been the biggest sources of growth. 

I share a type of ancestral trauma that comes up for me - one that's common for people in helping/healing/caring roles. I share the distancing technique I use when this uneasy feeling comes up. 

In short, someone has to go first, and I have to say, that it’s mostly served me well. It’s allowed me to develop relationships with my mentorees that have spanned years. It’s what’s allowed me to cut through weeks of small talk to find people I actually want to connect with in my parenting journey. It’s what will fuel me when this book on detoxing from social media comes out and a hundred people are lined up to tell me how wrong I am!

Your truth is your truth. Allow people to take it or leave it. It is a precious thing for people to find the right people to help them quickly. Give people the chance to find you and keep coming back despite all your flaws :)

I have a dislike of baby showers. So much so that I refused to have my own. In my girls’ baby books there is literally a blank section where I’ve written ‘sorry, it’s not Mummy’s thing’. It’s not that I dislike celebrating pregnancy and babies, it’s that I’m that awkward introvert who hates party games and doesn’t take board games seriously. The last baby shower I went to was maybe 8 years ago now.

After guessing the mamma’s belly measurements (ha! Imagine trying to get me to agree to this when I as pregnant with my 5.0kg baby belly) we were all asked to give the mum a piece of advice. Everyone took turns saying things like “get your baby into a routine on day one”, and “sleep when the baby sleeps”. It was my turn and I shrugged and said “don’t listen to any bad advice”.

Knowing exactly what skills you need for your career path or your particular parenting journey can be surprisingly tricky. It takes time to get to know someone and know what ‘might’ be a good fit for them.

Have you ever met someone who seems to align with your values or has what information you think you need, and you get all excited asking them for advice? You wait with baited breath to see what wisdom they will impart, and then they offer….well…nothing amazing really.  The pressure to offer something that sounds wise and insightful is too much so they end up saying anything.

I think this is where storytelling comes in. People are just better at telling stories than they are at on the spot advice. Instead of asking for advice consider asking: “tell me the story of what it was like having a baby who didn’t sleep”, or “tell me how you go to this point in your business”. Good stories have a dilemma, obstacles to overcome, and often, a guide or helper along the way. Someone who helped you see something in yourself, taught you a skill or gave you confidence to change your mind about something. When you listen deeply to these stories, the golden nuggets will be there to be extracted.

I’m about to embark on the nerve wracking process that is final edits and a cover for my upcoming book, Motherhood, Mental Health & Social Media. There’s a reason most people never actually write a book, or sort of write one then hide it in a cupboard. I’m entering a stage of feeling really exposed and having to make decisions based on other people’s advice and nervous about getting it ‘right’.

And yet, I’ve come such a long way from even the process of deciding on my first logo. I naively outsourced the final choice to family and friends on Facebook. I wouldn’t ever do this again. Like, ever. While I ended up with something that was OK, I ultimately didn’t love it and allowed myself to enter analysis-paralysis by asking too many opinions. I chose a hydrangea flower and people said:

“It looks like a tampon ad” (my mother in law)

“You don’t want petals falling; that indicates decline and decay, at least in gerontology” (my BFF; this was actually useful to consider)

“Are you a florist now?” (a bloke I went to high school with)

Were any of these people my ideal client? No. Did I ever consider consulting someone who was not just a graphic designer but someone experienced in making images to covert my ideal client base? Also no.

Engage the opinion of people who are actually IN the arena you need help with :)

First up, no, this is not a pregnancy story. 

Instead, I’m going to share with you my terrifying experience with a doll in the Eighties. A story my Mum brings up any chance she can get.

It was 1988 and I was five years old. There’s an ad for a sweet, crawling doll who cries when she falls down with a theme song set to ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’. It sounds like a horror movie already.

Nevertheless, I decided this doll is what I wanted for Christmas.  What you need to know about me is that I’ve always been a bit scared of dolls. And clowns and store mannequins. The dislike of clowns and mannequins becomes obvious when I share that a clown once pointed a (toy) gun at me at. Oh, and a store mannequin’s hand in Kmart randomly fell on my face and almost broke my nose when I was a toddler. It’s ok, I still love Kmart.

I don’t really know why I wanted a doll for Christmas. I suspect I was ‘trying on’ the idea of being like other girls. Being a girl who didn’t own any dolls was kind of my identity for a while, but then I thought I could change my mind.

I remember the doll in the ad looking cute.  In reality, it looked more like the baby crawling across the ceiling in Trainspotting. For the last 30 odd years my mother has been telling the story of how she procured the last ‘Oopsie Baby’ in town only for me to hate it the second we put the batteries in. I’m telling you, this doll was terrifying. I have proof here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alyzRezJIio

For over 30 years I’ve heard:

“It was the last one left on the shelf. I had to fight another mother for it”

“I knew you wouldn’t like it but you insisted”

“You shouldn’t believe what you see on TV”

Upon researching, I’ve discovered the correct name for this doll is actually Oopsie Daisy, and I wasn’t the only person terrified of it. There’s a certain trauma bonding that I’ve experienced as a 38 year old woman in discovering that this particular doll is known for being terrifying. Turns out they were poorly designed and were recalled one month after Christmas, due to their heads falling off, limbs detaching and the hair falling out!

Of all the toys to choose in my first foray into dolls, I naturally chose one of the worst.

The point is that it’s OK to change your mind. Even if it doesn’t work out. Maybe you want to try out what other people are doing in your industry because you think that you should (hello, Tik Tok videos). Or because you’ve come so far with something and feel it’s a ‘waste’ to not keep going. Or, you worry that you’ll let people down.

I was going to keep working with Borderline Personality Disorder and self-harm until I had kids and didn’t want to anymore. Then I was going to keep teaching Hypnobirthing until I decided I no longer wanted to work outside business hours. Then, I put a solid 4 years into birth trauma work before deciding I didn’t want it to be the ‘main’ thing I do anymore. Despite training as a Clinical Psychologist and working in private practice since 2009, I’m currently not offering counselling either.  Have I disappointed people? Absolutely.

However, I’ve avoided burnout. I’ve changed my mind lots of times about things in work, my mental health and parenting and lived to tell the tale 😊

I dare you – change your mind about something and see what happens. Surround yourself with supportive people who have insight and humility to realize that brave people change their minds all the time.

This week on the podcast I share my thoughts about why meditation is supposed to suck. The Calm app recently hit over a hundred million downloads yet I’m concerned people expect meditation to be this lovely, calming experience. 

I want to normalise and validate how bloody difficult, annoying, triggering and even boring meditation can be. I sign up for those Oprah and Depak 21 day challenges only to fall behind, decide I cant do it and quit. It's normal. Guided apps can definitely help, but there's other things that 'count' as meditation and I'll share some ideas. 

Forgive me for being a bit behind the 8 ball, but I’ve only just realized that Bennifer aka Ben Affleck and Jlo are together again. It took me down memory lane back to when they got together the first time. I told my husband they were back together and I was actually impressed that he knew who either of those people were. Jokes aside, I’ve been with my husband for 22 years nearly and I thought some of you might be interested in how that has shaped my business and my mental health. It was the eve of 1999. I definitely believe in love at first sight, because we locked eyes from across a room and that was it. I mean until I saw his identical twin and that had some awkwardness. We were friends for a year first. We both had other relationships. I’d accepted that he was going to move away for uni and we went to one last party together. Whether it was the threat of the Y2K bug, the shooting star we saw, or the fact that another drunk bloke who was vying for my affection challenged him to a dual…we ended up together and haven’t looked back. Something I’ve found so useful in navigating tricky times is to revisit what I call anchor relationships. It might not be 20 odd years but find those people who knew you before you had your business, had kids – back when you were all insecure with pants that were cut too low and eyebrows that were too thin – or was that just me? We need people who can hold the best version of us while we awkwardly re-engage with in-person interaction. When we trip over a word, explain something poorly or use micro expressions that could be misinterpreted. One of my favourite games to play with clients over the years is a little something I call “does someone really hate you, or do they have diarrhea?” Put simply, when someone gives you a funny look can you 100% know that the grimace you saw is about you? How do you know it’s not them thinking about an appointment they forgot, a reaction to something behind you (like a car not slowing down enough) or even something internal like the cramps that let you know you need to find a toilet – and fast. In researching for my book about social media and our mental health, I’ve come across a reasonable amount of research indicating that this whole non face to face interaction with people is impacting our social skills. Dr Sherry Turkle is someone you might want to look up if you’re interested in this. she had a study indicating that middle-school aged kids are struggling to read non-verbal cues, probably due to the amount of online versus offline interactions they were having. A strong protective factor for me being able to quit social media is that I remember what true joy, happiness, feeling understood and love felt like before social media and mobile phones. My husband and I have a relationship that pre-dates these things. I used to have to ring him up on the family phone – not knowing if he or his identical twin brother would answer. Beforehand, I’d play out all the scenarios in my head that might lead to embarrassment or awkwardness. Once I got over the awkwardness we’d talk for three or four hours. I love that I am still married to someone that I used to spend hours talking to, uninterrupted. About the moon, what shade it was and how we felt about it. These days it’s more of a five minute conversation about the consistency and colour of one of our children or dogs’ poo. If it’s not someone you can find as a positive anchor it might be something. Like the music you listened to during peak development periods. Economist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz used data from Spotify to demonstrate that the most important age range from women developing musical tastes was ages 11-14. He argued that songs from this era of your life are potentially the ones that will continue to impact you the most. I wonder if this extends to other interests? That maybe the hobbies you enjoyed at ages 11-14 is where you might find joy and true fun instead of scroly fake fun? www.doctorerin.com.au