Mum As You Are

Overall, most people have been intrigued and inspired by my decision to quit. I’ve gained a smaller, but more engaged community that feels both enriching and manageable. I feel there is a definite pull from a community of women who are looking for that reassurance that they too can scale right back or even quit and still be OK.

I’ve shared plenty of upsides before. My head is clearer and my sensitive soul is less affected by the compassion fatigue that is seeing what everyone is doing all the time.

Something I’ve had to grieve though is the realization that quite a few relationships have not survived without social media. It’s two fold. On the one hand, I get it – a ‘like’ or a DM is a quick way to keep in touch with people. We like our routines and conveniences. However, it has, at times, been mildly triggering for my childhood wounds. Particularly around female friendships where it becomes apparent that there isn’t an equal exchange of energy. Going 6 months without social media will definitely reveal relationships where perhaps the other person isn’t as invested as you are.

If you’re using social media for business and have some sort of ‘expert’ role, withdrawing this part can activate feelings of “I’m only worthwhile if I’m useful or productive”. This is one of those tricky false beliefs that I know many of us in helping/healing roles need to watch out for.

The big gift of quitting social media is time. Before the 2021 lockdowns I knew I had more tasks in my business than I could actually achieve in the time I had.

According to Parkinson’s Law, how much you need to give to a task depends on how much time you actually have.

With lockdowns, I’ve cut back from 10 hours a week to just two. Rather than throwing in the towel on my business, I use two hours to just maintain consistency. A couple of mentoring clients here and there but mostly I’m using that two hours to throw together a weekly email, 10 minute podcast episode, answer a few emails and squeeze in a tiny bit of writing. Instead of stressing about all the things I ‘should’ be doing, I instead focus on very short, clear, achievable goals.

Work expands so as to fill the time available for completion. My conversion rates from my blog and emails are really strong, so this is where I dedicate my time. If I have ‘extra’ time and energy, I’d put that into course creation, because again, that will eventually be passive income and my conversion rates are high. 

Whether it's mothering or work, I'd say put your energy where you get the most benefits

When you think you don’t know what you’re doing (with your business, with your kids or anything else) I want you to remember “Who Jackie?”

If you’re not familiar this phrase, allow me to indoctrinate you into one of my favourite pop culture references.

What goes on behind the scenes of writers’ rooms for songs, movies and TV fascinates me. During the run of the 1990s sitcom, Roseanne, Roseanne Barr was known for her unusual hiring practices. She would apparently hire people instantly without really interviewing them or checking their prior work. Sometimes this worked out – some very prolific TV writers began with being hired on Roseanne. Other times, not so much.

One day a writer named ‘David’ appeared in the writer’s room and suggested a plotline about Roseanne having a long lost sister. When someone else pointed out that Roseanne already has a sister, Jackie, he apparently responded “Who Jackie?”

If someone managed to get hired as a writer for a successful TV show without even being able to keep track of the main characters, well, you need not doubt yourself.

The world needs what you have to offer. This is what I’ve had to remind myself of this week as it gets more and more difficult to actually get any work done.

I’ve finished writing my book about motherhood, social media and mental health, and, to be honest I’m at the “maybe I should just hide it in a drawer” stage. It’s a very normal stage – deciding that you hate what you’ve created before anyone has even seen it. In fact, this is exactly what I did with the first 3 novels and a bunch of children’s books I’ve written. True story.

Just yesterday, I was watching James Corden interview Lorde. They seemed to speak less about her music and more about the fact that she has quit social media. What she said took me right back to the mission and the message of my book – that the experience of reading about the world all of the time didn’t give her time to really think about how she felt about anything.  That she needed more time – because constant input from other people disrupts the creative process.

Give yourself time to create without the constant stream of wondering what everyone else is thinking or doing. Be cautious about ‘researching’ what other people you look up to are doing – it can mean that you’re simply avoiding the discomfort that comes with creating something.

A source of whimsy for me this week – finally purchasing a set of Grapat to make mandalas with. It’s not for the kids, it’s for me to nurture my mental health. We use it together of course, and I hope it will be an investment in joy for many, many years to come.

One of my signature strengths on the VIA character strengths is appreciation of beauty. I find that when I return to activities that honour my signature strengths, I feel better which is why I’ve recommended this questionnaire to anyone who will listen.

Grapat: https://www.toypark.com.au/collections/grapat?gclid=Cj0KCQjwg7KJBhDyARIsAHrAXaFlrxnpFbhdqDI_pwTs0cqpYEDCGuKcQv69FYBUhDjGcTI88f_ASbQaApi-EALw_wcB 

Signature strengths test: https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register

Lorde talking about quitting social media: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RDynGSecOw 

Who Jackie? https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/flashback/most-infamous-story-from-writers-room-shows-roseanne-could-be-an-insane-place-to-work/news-story/9fb062c916f574396c6e9dc1abacb48a

Here’s 6 things getting me through:

1. The sun

The sun on my face. Though in an effort to up my vitamin D, I’ve developed new, winter lockdown freckles. Yes, you can indeed get freckles even if the UV index is 2.5! Time to finally buy that sun lamp I think.

2. Finding delight and whimsy

This weekend I moved some of my potted bulbs so they could get some more sun. In the process of moving a pot, something rattled onto the deck. It looked like a rock but it was actually a tiny, frozen frog! I’d never have thought that the sound of a frog hitting the deck would sound like the rattle of a pebble. Once the sun hit, the little frog sprang back to life and hopped back into the weeds.

When I struggle to find whimsy around me, I remind myself of whimsical memories. ZiZi, the purring sofa at MONA, the guy I used to see on my way to work who carried a gigantic carrot and any time I tell people the story of how I was bitten by a pig the week before my wedding. I’ve learned from nearly 16 years of telling this story that it makes people laugh.

3. Water

Long showers. Jumping in puddles. Drinking more of it than I think I need (because I never drink enough in winter)

4. Fun movement

I’ve fallen out of love with anything resembling a ‘work out’ or pushing through at the moment and that’s ok. Walking and hula hooping is enough for my energy right now.

Movement for me will also soon include fulfilling my childhood dream of owning a drum kit. An electronic one, because (1) I have a 3 year old and (2) neighbours and (3) Watching Mark Ronson’s Watch the Sound has convinced me electronic drums might be as good as the real thing.

5. Keeping vitamins in check

Adding to my never ending list of things I haven’t done yet – like getting my iron levels checked, it’s just easier to take vitamins. This tired feeling that we’re all feeling isn’t going anywhere for a while yet.

6. Radical self compassion

This is the one I struggle with the most. Being kind to myself when I say I won’t yell at the kids, and then I yell. For waking up each day saying I’ll be more patient, and for not having the energy or emotional resources to be patient in the way I wanted. For not moving the needle very far at all in my parenting at the moment, but for being good at repair.

A quick moment of acknowledgement for all we have to grieve. In this brief meditation I'll take you through some statements about what we've lost in this period of parenting in a pandemic. Some will be relatable, others not so much. You can add your own. The goal is not to force gratitude, look for silver linings or compare ourselves to others who have it worse. Just to acknowledge. I'll then take you through some suggestions for somatic activation - ways to get your nervous system to move big emotions. 

Do you have stress “tells” – little quirks that show when you’re overwhelmed, anxious and stressed?

In poker, a “tell” is a change in behaviour that reveals a person’s inner state, and gamblers look for clues about who is holding or good or bad hand depending on their nonverbal behaviours. There’s also evidence that this is how you win ‘rock, paper, scissors’.

Something I learned recently that delighted and bemused me was that there is a Rock Paper Scissors League. Instead of memorising moves and using statistical wizardry, players need a sophisticated ability to predict their opponent’s behaviours.

When I get stressed, sensory information usually becomes way too overwhelming. I tend to experience colours and sometimes smells in reaction to sound anyway. I took a very scientific looking test on the internet and it came back with a result of 98% for me likely having synaesthesia https://synesthesia.com/blog/synesthesia-tests/.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia

When I’m stressed, the kitchen clock ends up in a drawer. The sound of the dog licking her paws becomes loud. I usually stop listening to music and podcasts, and without realising I’m doing it, I’ll usually stop wearing perfume. Everything in the fridge will start to smell ‘off’ and I get agitated with the kids for touching me all the time.

I usually need to turn down sensory information – showers in the dark, soothing lavender and finding a sunny spot to sit quietly. However, I’d noticed my usual strategies weren’t working as well. With lockdowns also comes monotony and a sense of dread.

What’s been working better for me is to actually switch it up and seek extra sensory input – getting on the kid’s swing set and listening to LOUD electronic music with lots of layers and reverb. It worked a treat.

Something that’s been well received in my work with helping people with stress is a six senses approach. Basically, it means picking one support aspect for each of your five senses and then some ‘other’ component. Think of these like a HITT workout for your brain and your nervous system.

If your usual soothing coping strategies aren’t working, switch it up and try safe stimulation seeking instead (or vice versa).

Here’s some ideas:

Revisit a comforting video from childhood – for example the pinball machine animation from Sesame Street https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd7VK5DdrvM

Move your vestibular system – a swing set, hammock or rocking chair or spin circles and make yourself dizzy like skids do. The swaying motion plus music with a distinct right and left input settled my nervous system right down

Use a tennis ball to find and release knots in your glutes and hips. Women in particular store a lot of tension in their hips/pelvic bowl area

Switch the smells in your house. I’ve noticed that in our house, the usual ‘soothing’ lavender and Ylang Ylang we’ve had going the diffuser was no longer serving its purpose. It’s become too familiar with lockdowns, so instead we’ve switched it up for citrus + peppermint or chamomile. I also switched out our usual hand soap to a lemon and eucalyptus one

I never drink soft drink, and I don’t typically endorse drinking cola, however, this past week I drank coke from a glass bottle and it was really, oddly satisfying!

Between you and me, my brain feels like syrup lately. Emails take longer to answer, writing blogs or sections of texts are taking multiple attempts and I’m finding that I’m walking away from podcast interviews feelings like I didn’t hit my points very well.

Sometimes I need reminding of the ‘draw down’ period. As in, post lockdown I need to avoid the temptation to “get back into it” and instead pull back and defrag my brain. Collect kindling, rake leaves, prune the roses, repot my indoor plants – these are a few of my draw down activities. Methodical but not ‘must do’ activities. The repetition and the movement and having just one thing to focus on is helpful.

I’m reading a book at the moment called Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday. It’s reminded me that anyone in history who has had any long term success hasn’t just worked non-stop. That they have prioritized stillness, rest, hobbies, long walks and periods of waiting for the right action or decision to appear instead of being ‘on’ all the time. So I started Googling what influential people in history do with their down time. Meryl Streep knits, Michelle Obama runs, and Jacinda Ardern has been known to DJ.

Winston Churchill famously used to spend hours engaged in oil painting and brick laying. He could reportedly lay up to 90 bricks an hour while chatting and playing with his daughter. The Dalai Llama repairs watches, Pope Francis dances the Tango. Saddam Hussein wrote romance novels (really!) and Donald Trump reportedly likes to tear up bits of paper.

Women coming together to engage in repetitive, rhythmic work has no doubt had calming effects on the nervous system in times of poverty and war. Without wanting to apply Golden Age thinking to what would likely have been horrific work conditions in history, we know that singing and community is what traditionally has contributed to resilience.

If you’re feeling a bit ‘blah’ (and I know so many of you are) I’d encourage you to step back and see if what you need is not to rush and force work outcomes, but to draw down. Research what your ancestors did with their time – what did they do with their hands instead of scrolling their thumbs up and down?

As I mention in this week’s podcast episode, the art of learning by touching and manipulating materials with our hands is often missing in our daily rhythms.  In terms of looking after our nervous systems, it’s worth considering where we can incorporate more kinesthetic sensory input.

Shadow Comforts. What are they? 

Where does the term come from? 

How do we tell the difference between numbing and relaxation.