Musings w/Musings

I’m sitting in math class struggling to stay aware of my surroundings. That is mostly coming to realization that I am in math class. I need to be aware that I am in math class. I need to pay attention because I do not know what to do. I am about to freak out because I have a test this weekend.

By the time this expisode is recorded the math exam will be done.

So yes, as I continue, I am sitting in math class and my thoughts drift as they often do and I am thinking about why am I here? Not in a depressive state type of questioning; just in an aware of where am I in the world. My rap sheet of grievances is long. It all starts with my birth, but once again I diverse. My brain works like the multiverse.

I am in math class and want to know why am I here? Not my purpose. Just why am I here in this life, at this moment, on an unknown quest? I know that I am supposed to be writing but to who. My own group of people or is it to my culture. I am here for the US or the collective? Though I wasn’t asking about that. I was wondering why am in this math class, taking this math for the 2nd or 3rd time wishing I was somewhere resting in a vacation rental.

I’m not. I am laid back on my couch writing about how I mulled over questioning my purpose for being here at this time and place.

Mookie Toujour💜

Hey, so I don’t intend to make this a long note and it isn’t a long audio. This episode is the intermission. Usually you want to let the audience know that there will be an intermission but sometimes life gets away. That is a true intermission and so is this intermission.

Well, here I am after the fact. Glad you stayed or arrived.

Mookie💜

Purpose: reason for existence

Lately I have been questioning my purpose. What exactly is that? Did my purpose evolve from the hopes and dreams I had for myself. I was never given a plan for my life. I wasn’t guided in love, finances, education, or my career. Once I decided what I wanted to wear on any given day to school it was probably a wrap. Maybe it could have been when I started being philosophical about questions that were posed to me about myself. Things I didn’t want for myself. Struggles I didn’t want to inhabit.

What is my purpose? What am I called here to do? I feel an internal timing that no one knows about but me. I live with an authority where my main goal is to protect and provide for my children without being unethical or immoral and to do it with honesty. Their foundation must be built on honesty and not my feelings about a situation or people.

Are my children my purpose? They are my task, though not necessarily my purpose. Before them I existed and for a time they were, and in some way still, my reason to continue to exist. When I say task I don’t mean a burden because children are their for you to protect to bring them to their highest good for greater purpose of the collective.

Is learning my purpose? Am I here to learn by fire and when I am not consumed to be the garden that provides for all. I give them my remedies and solution. Am I here to feed and shade? I find myself at a loss as I look back at the many trials of life and how I manage to keep going.

I find comfort knowing that I can help people even if I don’t know my true purpose. I just know that I must keep going in whatever that is in front of me even without a guidepost.

Mookie Toujour💜

Friendships are beautiful thing. Especially when they are true. I don’t know if my pessimism gets in the way of me determining if I have had any true friendships because none of them have remained steady. I’m the outsider in the friend groups. I could point to my chaotic upbringing and constant moving during the early years of my life. I know how to start friendships but its the enduring that is often lost.

Growing up in a large family and not experiencing the same level of freedom that others have had in their youth leads me to feeling like the elder or protector in the friend group. Living in this energy makes it hard to maintain friendships. Not because I necessarily want them to end but because a dynamic changes that challenges a view of who I am or what I will do to maintain it.

….In essence I stay too long.

Healing that part of me right at this time in my life is hard. I have to reinterpret what it is to be a friend. How can I show up as my authenticate self and not be afraid of the responses after living in a peculiar safety? Ima go back to saying whatever is on my mind. No more expectations. I don’t have as much energy as I did before to chase connections. I have to let them come to me.

How do you show up in your friendships? What is your friendship style? Are you living your authentic self?

Mookie Toujour💜

A limit is a point or level beyond which something does not or may not extend or pass. How do you know when you have reached your limit.

We all have limits that we are aware of. Most of you that will read this note or listen to the cast are closer to my age than further. Meaning you are old. We are all old. The settings are already set to adult only. Eighteen plus, so if you have reached 18, you have reached old with some caveats of course. Life comes at you fast.

Knowing our limitations help us become better people overall. Helps us to walk away faster and attempt another journey or 2. Help us to come to mediation quicker with someone else. Getting to mediation is not pretty either. You have to admit that you cannot do something you earnestly want to do. That this is outside your capability.

The most exciting thing about knowing your limitations is realizing how many things you have tried to do already. That our trying to do anything isn’t limited. You can keep going to venture into something new. Only your mind can truly stop you outside of physical limitations.

Knowing our limits stops us only in the one thing we already tried. It doesn’t prevent us from going further with something new.

What are some self limiting behaviors/beliefs that you personally exhibit?

Are these behaviors part of your nature or were they nurtured by someone else?

Mookie Toujour💜

Try then try again…

Some of us want a settled love. An enduring love. A love that grows from the seed to the harvest to the turning of the soil. Some of us contantly seed, only reaching the sprouting stages. Quite a few us are seedlings wanting to be care and for, nutured. With our being worth the harvest. We want the excitement that comes for reaching that high.

The sun was never close enough.

Stars not always seen,

The moon sometimes in the shadows…

Does this type of overreaching lead us to be late love consumers on an endless seedling season? We are always looked as strong and resilient seedling based on our will to live and not truly get that full measure of love. Love doesn’t supply oxygen or physical nourishment but the loss of it always takes your breath away and curbs your need for sustenance.

I’m not sure why I name this poem Blocking My Blessings and in some way I do. I felt like I was, though my spirit said this one will have you cross the line of reality.

Blocking my blessings

I have this warped idea of love

Mookie Toujour💜

When I was younger I was able to party more easily because there were no hidden fees. Any exclusiveness was front and center. The cost at the door determines what your double would be. Ten dollars at the door definitely meant you were going to double that once inside. For women you usually got in free and so your double at that time meant the drinks would be around seven or eight dollars.

Also clubs was were fun. You go in to go to the dance floor. That was always the plan. Today is more like everyone wants to look cute then sit down. No one is used to wearing heels to the club because now people are wearing tennis shoes more often than not. The art of balancing on a vaulted shoe while walking or dancing feels lost.

This isn’t the hidden cost I write of. It is all of the fees and surcharges. I now hav

* MookieToujour💜

I love to rest but I also love a good time. Dancing releases so much pent up frustration for me. I become so much more jovial when dancing.

I went dancing recently at this club-a rooftop bar. Women are there sitting like it's a brunch. Smiling about little comments or super small talk. Men are sitting on their phones or dapping each other up a for what - iono. The music was loud. You had to scream your drink order out.

Its amazing what sound panels do. I couldn't hear much from the door.

Dancing by myself was great. A friend and I came together. We are both dancing by ourselves, but together :). I only dance with men not for them - well ya know.

Then I went dancing at the Southern Feedstore… we originally went for food but i heard music. I go order some food and the head back to the dance floor. I start sashaying my hips to the rhythmof the music. A guy approachesme and extends his hand. I say yes because I came to dance! Boy did we dance. He was an excellent lead. I kept up with him.

It was the most amazing dance I've had in a while. I was dancing Semba! He asked how long have I been dancing Semba. I said I dont, you are a great lead. The dance was so sensual. I felt like I was in a movie the way I kept up. People were looking and clapping. It was amazing. My friend said I was cheesing so hard.

The night ended great without a date. He was not in my age range. Check out the shoe for the first half of the night.

* Mookie Toujour 💜

*I can’t remember where this art work is from. If it is yours I can change it.

I decided to share this writing from 2000. I typed it out. A picture of a section is below.

“When is the age we stop living life? This unconscious state of living drives me cray. People stop living mentally; not physically or being brain dead medically. Trying to maintain a conscious state of mind drives me crazy. The reason people only use 10% of their brain is because [they] get tired of thinking. Sometimes I don't feel like I am a part of this world. I try to force people to think by not thinking all the way through myself. Trying to be a humanitarian, I hurt myself by losing my brainpower because I want other people to think. I've thought these same thoughts when I was younger and decided not to spill.

People say thinking is too hard. How about not thinking is harder. If you forgot how to tie, buckle, or strap your shoes you would be a Pandora box ready to blow open. You would be ready to take it out on other people.”

Do you go back to your past writings to see if you have changed? Do you still carry some of your core beliefs from adolescence? How have you changed or expanded your viewpoints?

* Mookie Toujour💜

July 29 is the beginning of a personal legacy. It isn't celebrated by anyone but me. I love this date for the many opportunities that were presented to me. It is the date that Beyonce released an album on 29 July 2022 - Renaissance. I actually channeled that date on twitter. I added to my bio before the date was released.

The numbers two and nine equal eleven which by numerology is a master number for building…

I hope I am able to remember it for always. Not for the heck of it but what happened on and after that day. The July 29 of a particular year that hard-launched me into adulthood. I was ready. I wanted to be wherever July 29th was taking me.

Did I have hard moments come about after July 29th? Yes! They don’t surpass the pains I experienced prior to July 29th. I don’t every wish to return to where I was before then. I only wish to have the flat stomach of when I was 19. July 29 reminds me of the chance I took on myself . How I became the master builder of my future.

Do you have numbers that resonate with you?

* Mookie Toujour 💜