My Notebook of Symbols

— It’s better. Will be in shape. Won’t eat so much before sleep. Nothing after 6 or 7 pm max…

He’s trying to keep the hours away from the pill time. The pill is toxic. It affects his mind. It makes him shiver, afraid of everything… With food the effects magnify – the only option is to drink at night – so he changes his nights.

So he thinks.

— Better this way. Healthy life-style…

He feels down… Over a year already – the regimen, the pill, the work, the nights spent alone… Why?

He takes butter and cheese and bread and sits, – as if nothing, – for the first time in months – eating the fat which is making the pill especially toxic…

One… Second… Third… Tenth… More bites, more slices, maybe 10 or so slices with butter and cheese…

He is dizzy. He doesn’t care. This was not a hunger. This was a protest – against everything.

For caring too much, for thinking too much, for loving too much, for crying too much, for feeling of fear, guilt, dizziness, tiredness, – all mixed up; for foul taste in the mouth, for world being unfair, vast, unclear, that care not of him…

Drill down to the core of the earth – you are nothing! Drill down to the molecules, atoms, particles, – nothing! Up, the skies, universe, space – you’re nothing!

Somewhere in between you are – stuck!.. So small for the universe, you think… So vast for the universe in you… Dizzy… Why?

Protesting, against those nights that are no more the nights he loved. With someone next – his love, his friends, his sex partners, his room, his bed – not anymore…

Protesting for living the life of a refugee… Weird stance to live… Self-imposed refuge, reclusion… Or perhaps, inevitable to be here to work, work, work – to pay for the house and the bed he hates…

He protests… His nights were different… He used to feel nights…

Thank you for joining me in this journey towards emotional healing, finding oneself and remembering what makes us happy. The topics covered in these podcast episodes are: #Emotional Healing #Finding Yourself #Follow Your Wings #Happiness is a Choicr #Meditating Meditating #Peace of Mind #Psychological Journey #Reminiscences Reminiscences #Thinking Aloud #Thoughts Thoughts #Leap of Faith #Short Stories #Short Story Series #Blogging Everyday #Thinking Along Writing #Finding Inner Self #Therapy Therapy #Art Therapy #Psycho Flow #Read at Night #What to Believe In #Why to Live #What Makes Life Beautiful #Imagination Imagination #Creativity Creativity #Inspiration Inspiration #Life is a Story #Faith Faith #Uncensored Uncensored #Symbols Symbols

— Are they afraid?

— What do they think about?

— Do they think of it at all?

— Do they find it beautiful?

— They see the sun, those who look at sunset…

— Can’t they be meeting sunrise with similar fascination?

— Why is that considered romantic at all?

— Why do they think of the sunset at the seaside?

— Why do you protest about the sunset?..

People contradict each other and they question the sunset glory which is often portrayed as so enigmatic, romantic, beautiful…

He looks at the grey city. Tens of high-rise buildings. Smog, clouds, mist, rainy late-Autumn weather. He now imagines the scene without all the constructions… How he misses rural views now…

Colors… Sunset colors… How beautiful they are with warm, juicy, homey, sweet feel. They can even make the ugly cityscape look nice.

It’s no longer the imagination of the sun being eaten and then reborn, or it visiting the lover under the sea, or at the end of the world… It’s about the nature now, the blue planet with amazing, thin, fragile layer of atmosphere making yet another turn. There, one more…

— End of time? End of order?

— Freedom? Absolute liberation?

— It’s going down…

— Night is coming…

The light is gone.

Absence. All subconscious emerges. Night’s coming. So beautiful, warm, perfect, and then… Gone!.. Dark.

Silhouettes. It’s gone. No more colors…

He’s back home. Warm fireplace, light at home, all lit up, we’re fighting darkness.

There. Regardless. We are warm. There’s light. We’ll wait for the sun. But we shall not remain in the dark meanwhile.

Shadows, fire, lights, – where humans are. They don’t sleep. They are awake. It’s the planet that never sleeps. Not anymore. Turn, turn, there, we’re lit, lights, streets, homes – let’s go out!

Thank you for joining me in this journey towards emotional healing, finding oneself and remembering what makes us happy. The topics covered in these podcast episodes are: #Emotional Healing #Finding Yourself #Follow Your Wings #Happiness is a Choicr #Meditating Meditating #Peace of Mind #Psychological Journey #Reminiscences Reminiscences #Thinking Aloud #Thoughts Thoughts #Leap of Faith #Short Stories #Short Story Series #Blogging Everyday #Thinking Along Writing #Finding Inner Self #Therapy Therapy #Art Therapy #Psycho Flow #Read at Night #What to Believe In #Why to Live #What Makes Life Beautiful #Imagination Imagination #Creativity Creativity #Inspiration Inspiration #Life is a Story #Faith Faith #Uncensored Uncensored #Symbols Symbols

— By you, God, “Gmerto Shenita” – He heard this once said bu the Patriarch, the shortest of all prayers, the most powerful…

— By you…

— By you…

— By you…

He keeps repeating. In front of him are the two candles, one’s a bit longer than another, both are half burned…

— By you…

— By you…

— By you…

Home he is in, the home of EZ, empty now, cold now, He’s alone. He turns on the speaker his love gave him as a present…

— By you…

— By you…

In front of the candle there are two chocolate balls, with peanuts inside, dark chocolate coating. One is a bit bigger than another. They took those this summer from the resort… Kept in the fridge since then, – sweeties…

— By you…

— By you…

— By you…

At home, but not at home, Both happy and sad. Alone and not alone.

He pours coffee into Berlin Cup, the big red Christmas special from Starbucks. Just yesterday he had a reminder on Google Photos with Berlin photos from 5 years ago exactly… The very photo in the cafe he bought the cups…

— By you…

— By you…

He took the cross with necklace lying on the shelf. He put it on.

— By you…

— By you…

— It’s so cold outside! – He’s got message from his love.

— I’ll keep you warm, always, baby!… – He answers

— Of course!..

— By you…

— By you…

— By you…

It’s like dusk outside. No, not evening yet, but those clouds, rain, – late Autumn..

One thing this house has always been – very intimate – just like dusk…

Thank you for joining me in this journey towards emotional healing, finding oneself and remembering what makes us happy. The topics covered in these podcast episodes are: #Emotional Healing #Finding Yourself #Follow Your Wings #Happiness is a Choicr #Meditating Meditating #Peace of Mind #Psychological Journey #Reminiscences Reminiscences #Thinking Aloud #Thoughts Thoughts #Leap of Faith #Short Stories #Short Story Series #Blogging Everyday #Thinking Along Writing #Finding Inner Self #Therapy Therapy #Art Therapy #Psycho Flow #Read at Night #What to Believe In #Why to Live #What Makes Life Beautiful #Imagination Imagination #Creativity Creativity #Inspiration Inspiration #Life is a Story #Faith Faith #Uncensored Uncensored #Symbols Symbols

— Sometimes I’m afraid these thoughts are too chaotic.

— Don’t be!

— They may not have any sense to somebody else…

— There will be one!

— I doubt it, myself, these notebooks, these thoughts…

— Perhaps, but so, what?..

— The doubt is all about the fear of being mediocre…

— Challenge mediocracy!

— I wanted it to be outstanding, great, unique!

— Be authentic!

— I’m not sure… I’m afraid not to finish…

— Don’t be!

Nights are becoming the longest, he thinks with 22nd of December quite soon, in a little but more than a month… He thinks of the new year ahead. Never has he hoped for the new year more than this time. Never has he remained so loyal to himself, his love, his aspirations, than this year, he admits all of a sudden…

Nights will be the longest. He’s afraid of the long nights, perhaps for the first time.. Yes, for the first time, he’s afraid – how will he meet New Year? No… Not alone… He wants together – with every single member of the family – and he wants to go to his love – next morning – he wants to be there with him. And, the turning point, solstice, new year, it will turn the time to the summer, to sun, to warmth, to love, to his family as he keeps the closest people in his heart. He and his love… Together…

Wait for the turning point. Why? It’s solstice! Even Christmas is symbolically set to that period. A New Year is that period. It’s exactly 12 years that it will be – next year – that they met – he and his love.

He realises there’s something to turn indeed – the solstice, 12 year cycle, the New Year… It’s turning! He and his love – going through the 12 years – towards the solstice, the turning point – all is so logical then…

He smiles. He believes again.

— Doubt?

— Not anymore!

— Winter… Long nights….

— Let them come!

— Love him?

— More than ever!

— Loves you?

— Forever!

— Together?

— Forever and ever and ever!

We’ll turn towards the summer, turning a chapter, beginning a new one, loving, trusting, believing, making plans, fighting, supporting, rising!..

Towards the summer solstice afterwards then! It will begin – wait for the winter solstice, live to the New Year…

He smiles.

EZ, easy, like Sunday morning, baby!

Thank you for joining me in this journey towards emotional healing, finding oneself and remembering what makes us happy. The topics covered in these podcast episodes are: #Emotional Healing #Finding Yourself #Follow Your Wings #Happiness is a Choicr #Meditating Meditating #Peace of Mind #Psychological Journey #Reminiscences Reminiscences #Thinking Aloud #Thoughts Thoughts #Leap of Faith #Short Stories #Short Story Series #Blogging Everyday #Thinking Along Writing #Finding Inner Self #Therapy Therapy #Art Therapy #Psycho Flow #Read at Night #What to Believe In #Why to Live #What Makes Life Beautiful #Imagination Imagination #Creativity Creativity #Inspiration Inspiration #Life is a Story #Faith Faith #Uncensored Uncensored #Symbols Symbols

— No, I have not seen a lot of sunrises…

— The orange, then red, then bright yellow, – all big, bright…

— I know. It’s making all clear, all alive again…

— The fuss starts…

— The change of stance, they cycle, the rhythm again…

— Let’s wait…

— There…

You see the disco that soon becomes too bright to look at, then too hot to enjoy… It can burn if you are close. Some tiny atmosphere is between us and the sun…

— Time to go to the field – the boy and his father are on the path to the crop field.

— Time to sleep – the tiger-mum and her cub are on the path from the night hunt, back to the cave…

Africa… He’s read so much about it… All the wilderness, all the adventures… Rivers… Waterfalls… Jungles… Animals… Heroes… Mysteries… The life so simple… As the sunrise, there, the ball, the disco, the big bright yellow sun… Something pure, sometimes brutal, sometimes evil, but all so human; crystal clear… No… Not kind… Just… Just natural…. Sunrise. The disco rising in the sky.

Africa. Rising.

— How can I learn or perceive all the physics, origins, history, reasoning, mechanisms, – it all has become too complex a system… There’s a theory that evolves, the theory which is all about the rules evolving, hence the theories evolving, meta-laws, meta-theories, theory of everything, all the concepts, meanings – shall I ever try to think there’s any future to general education? Or if there is any future to it, perhaps the whole idea is to scrutinize, criticize, evolve, develop, change, make it all different!.. Again, again, again and again… Creative destruction… Evolution…

— Go ahead! Change! Criticize! Burn! Ashes to grow into something new, better, higher, brighter, smarter… Again, again, again and again…

Rise… From ashes… Re-orient! Towards the rising sun – just like the sun is changing the point of ascent, depending on the time of the year… Yes, there are rules; yes, they evolve; yes, it develops; yes, it’s something new…

— Do not expect the same day to repeat with the sun rising. Expect all new, expect something unique…

— Gooooooood Morniiiiiing, Baby!..

— Gooooooood Morniiiiiing, America!

“Watch, now, how I start the day

in happiness, in kindness.”

/ Mary Oliver / Why I Wake Early /

— Brand new day, – Sting sings…

Rising!

Thank you for joining me in this journey towards emotional healing, finding oneself and remembering what makes us happy. The topics covered in these podcast episodes are: #Emotional Healing #Finding Yourself #Follow Your Wings #Happiness is a Choicr #Meditating Meditating #Peace of Mind #Psychological Journey #Reminiscences Reminiscences #Thinking Aloud #Thoughts Thoughts #Leap of Faith #Short Stories #Short Story Series #Blogging Everyday #Thinking Along Writing #Finding Inner Self #Therapy Therapy #Art Therapy #Psycho Flow #Read at Night #What to Believe In #Why to Live #What Makes Life Beautiful #Imagination Imagination #Creativity Creativity #Inspiration Inspiration #Life is a Story #Faith Faith #Uncensored Uncensored #Symbols Symbols