Klaus is back on his hybrid bullsh*t and Sheriff Ellen Degeneres accidentally shoots someone. Damon is dying from a werewolf bite so Elena feels bad and kisses him. Cheyenne and Nichole celebrate the season finale by getting drunk and going on multiple tangents including: why couples shouldn’t workout together, adult themes of suicide in The Incredibles, and vampire doms on Tumblr.

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Klaus gathers his team of goddess girl bosses to perform the much awaited ritual. The Squad fumbles the bag over and over while trying to save Elena’s life and forget to save Jenna’s. Nichole compares the new Bridgerton season to Euphoria and Cheyenne thinks everyone at the Grammys looked like a clown.

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Klaus would be so close to executing his plan to become a vampire-werewolf hybrid if it weren’t for these meddling kids. Damon force feeds Elena his blood but feels bad about it. Caroline and Matt hide in a dungeon together and Elena is prepped for the sacrifice. Cheyenne and Nichole talk about the illegal slay drug celebrities use and learn the meaning of pizzle.

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Damon and Stefan are upset because Elena is showing signs of self-sufficiency. Jenna finds out that vampires are real and Klaus has a body reveal. Cheyenne and Nichole play a deranged round of Smash or Pass. 

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Mystic Falls High has another Decades Dance. Klaus is still stuck in Alaric’s body. Bonnie pulls the ultimate prank by dying. Nichole and Cheyenne dive into the cesspool that is the Snapchat Discovery feed. They also sing a lot (sorry.)

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Elena becomes a homeowner. Bonnie steals the spotlight by deciding to sacrifice herself. Katherine is switching teams faster than a bi girl on tiktok and Alaric gets body-hacked. Nichole played Flappy Bird at Dave and Busters and Cheyenne was impacted at a young age by Jenna Marbles’ boob tutorial. They put their heads together to answer the age old question: would you bang your own doppelganger?

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Elena’s girls' night goes south when Luka gets set on fire. Caroline sings Eternal Flame by the Bangles. Katherine LARPs as Elena. Cheyenne finds out she looks way hotter as a man and Nichole discusses the current state of the cryptocurrency market.

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Damon and Alaric throw a dinner party and serve up some murder. Stefan opens up about his bad boy past and Elena stabs herself. Cheyenne and Nichole fall to their knees in front of their podcasting equipment in regards to Rihanna's baby bump reveal and discuss the horrifying nature of influencer families.

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Elena and Stefan almost die during a baecation. Bonnie and Jeremy roofie Luka and then makeout. Nichole and Cheyenne beat the dead horse that is the West Elm Caleb story, review Netflix’s Cheer, and unpack how scary it is to pump gas.

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Jules tries to recruit Tyler into her wolf pack and Caroline gets tortured with a water gun in a trailer. Damon takes a bubble bath with a hot news anchor. Cheyenne is mistaken for a rapper and Nichole hates what white men have done to weed.

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